Family dynamics - what would you do?

[Chungai]

Sorry it's long - I've kept it brief as poss.

20 years ago my parents moved from 2 hours away to 4 hours away in the opposite direction, close to where my sibling lives.

I had settled in my current town with my DH in our jobs by this point, and we and my parents would visit each other a number of times a year.

Now my DPs are older and they don't like visiting us. I think they've come once in the last 5 years. Same for my sibling. So we have to do all the travelling. I suppose it makes sense for us to visit them given they've both close. My parents are old and find the travel tiring.

My sibling is great face to face when I see them but makes no effort to plan to see me. All the effort sits with me. They are well off and often travel abroad in the holidays meaning it's hard to find a time to see them. They have a big house but currently say they can't put us up. They do have a spare room but it's small and cluttered.

My father physically abused my mother on the day of our arrival the last time we visited to stay with them. I think the stress of us coming to stay precipitated this so I don't feel that we can stay with them any more.

We last visited at Christmas, and stayed in a cramped hotel where it was hellish tbh, the kids went totally hyper, the room smelled, none of us slept well, and it was miserable as we were stuck in a pitch black room in silence every evening.

We are planning to visit at Easter. My siblings is saying they might go away. I messaged my parents and my mum said it would be nice to see us. Nothing more.

We are struggling to find an Airbnb that's nearby and in our budget. We considered camping but the weather could be foul. It just feels like so much work and expense (looking at £500 for accommodation plus food out and maybe £100 petrol) when they don't seem bothered. I've spent hours agonising over various accommodation options.

My parents never call me or ask me to visit. I just feel really upset and like none of them give a shit about seeing me or my DC.

I'm not really sure how to resolve this. Is this how family visits will need to be from now on? Should I say something or just suck it up?

Duty, and wanting a relationship with them. I wish I could just not care.

I feel a bit anchorless and lonely, tbh. I have some good friends but they all have great family relationships one way or another. I feel like that's missing in my life.

My parents never call me or ask me to visit.

of course they don’t. Because your dad would have to cut back on physically abusing your mother.

It is astonishing you don’t see this

Why can't you Premier Inn and get two rooms? They do interconnected so kids would be ok

Look for the cheapest on route

They are not that bothered with having a relationship with you. Your sibling and her children are the more favoured ones whilst you and yours are the scapegoats.

Duty visits are shit, stop doing those those immediately. Drop the rope. And they’ve shown you and yours no real care. They can’t even be asked to visit.

Your mother has chosen to stay with her abuser for her own reasons and she will in sll
likelihood never leave him. She gets what she wants out of their codependent toxic and abusive relationship.

You’re also going to have to let go of any and all residual hope left in you that they will change. This is who they are and they’re not for changing. Drop the rope here.

Then you need to find something else to fill that space up with - travel, hobbies, new friends, a pet instead of being in this bubble which just constantly reminds you that you don't have what you want. If you focused on other things you might be surprised how you feel and how happy they make you. You're never going to get the family of origin that you want so stop chasing it and focus on what you do have and make that your happy place.

Sweetheart, you feel like it's missing because it is missing. The problem you've got, which I'm sure you know on some level, is that you aren't going to get those relationships from these people no matter how hard you try. If you could, you'd have them by now, because you've tried really hard. That much is obvious. I'm not saying never see them again, sometimes that's the right thing, sometimes it isn't, but try and let go of the idea that you can make these relationships good.

Put your energy into your kids. Break the chain going forwards. It's the best thing we can do.

FWIW my family relationships now consist of a very low contact relationship with my mother where there is the odd text message, and no contact with any other relatives at all, so I do understand what this is like, because it's weird. Especially when I see what people with healthy families get. But I don't have a healthy family, so for me, this is the best option.

This is sound advice. I've tried so fucking hard, and I have now fostered a nice group of friends and some new hobbies, which as the parent of kids with SEN isn't always easy. We don't however have any friends as a family really, so time with my children is just our nuclear unit.

I realise now my desires relationship with my family is a fantasy - I think I'm finding it hard because as a child I was close to my parents and as close to the golden child as I could be. It just feels very unfair that others have good, functioning relationships with their families.

My mum was abused by her dad and her mum was mentally ill and she never processed the trauma of her own childhood. She tried really hard to do better than her own parents, and she did. But man hands on misery to man. I tell my children I love them every day and accept their love back. Hopefully I'm going some way to breaking the cycle.

To add insult to injury, my DH has just found out that his parents and siblings are having a surprise birthday lunch for his mum. We have not been invited.

Thanks for acknowledging that. It's helpful to read. Xx

That's so sad and I'm sorry. Focus on you and be the best family ye can be and comfort yourselves with knowing your children will never feel the pain you both do and that can be a gift xx

Why do you want a relationship with a man who is a domestic abuser? I wouldn’t want my children within a ten mile radius of your father

Logically and from a distance, this is straightforward and easy, but in reality it can be really difficult to disconnect (speaking as someone who has done it), especially in a family with DV. Children can be trained throughout childhood to feel like they have to protect the abused parent. Taking a step back and withdrawing that support, which TBH may only exist in the child's head anyway, can feel impossible. It means accepting that the abused parent is responsible for themselves and that the situation is entirely out of your control.

I can see that but I still don’t get why you’d want your children around them

I don't want them round him, really. Honestly when we're there he barely engages with us anyway so it's quite easy to ignore him.

But he lives with my mum, and I do want a relationship with her.

Maybe just you go up if you want a relationship with them? Would be easier and safer all round?

Yes, I understand about the stately homes and center parcs idea being off the cards - exactly the same reason for me. Once my brother did drive them and we met for lunch half way between our houses - however due to the roads etc./suitable places this was only done once as it took me (and them) almost as much time to get the half way location as going the full distance!

The only answer is simply dropping the rope and not going as much I suspect, unless you really want to. If you would rather not go at Easter then your sibling has given you the perfect postponement excuse, not that you need one. I do regret all the money and time and angst I spent now out of obligation for people who seemingly weren't that fussed about seeing me. Once a year would've been fine.