Family dynamics - what would you do?

[Chungai]

Sorry it's long - I've kept it brief as poss.

20 years ago my parents moved from 2 hours away to 4 hours away in the opposite direction, close to where my sibling lives.

I had settled in my current town with my DH in our jobs by this point, and we and my parents would visit each other a number of times a year.

Now my DPs are older and they don't like visiting us. I think they've come once in the last 5 years. Same for my sibling. So we have to do all the travelling. I suppose it makes sense for us to visit them given they've both close. My parents are old and find the travel tiring.

My sibling is great face to face when I see them but makes no effort to plan to see me. All the effort sits with me. They are well off and often travel abroad in the holidays meaning it's hard to find a time to see them. They have a big house but currently say they can't put us up. They do have a spare room but it's small and cluttered.

My father physically abused my mother on the day of our arrival the last time we visited to stay with them. I think the stress of us coming to stay precipitated this so I don't feel that we can stay with them any more.

We last visited at Christmas, and stayed in a cramped hotel where it was hellish tbh, the kids went totally hyper, the room smelled, none of us slept well, and it was miserable as we were stuck in a pitch black room in silence every evening.

We are planning to visit at Easter. My siblings is saying they might go away. I messaged my parents and my mum said it would be nice to see us. Nothing more.

We are struggling to find an Airbnb that's nearby and in our budget. We considered camping but the weather could be foul. It just feels like so much work and expense (looking at £500 for accommodation plus food out and maybe £100 petrol) when they don't seem bothered. I've spent hours agonising over various accommodation options.

My parents never call me or ask me to visit. I just feel really upset and like none of them give a shit about seeing me or my DC.

I'm not really sure how to resolve this. Is this how family visits will need to be from now on? Should I say something or just suck it up?

I think your last suggestion is an excellent one - get your sibling to bring your mum somewhere half way so the three of you can spend time together. Everything is harder when people get elderly, a specially with men who can’t do the things they used to be able to do and hate admitting it. It’s sad for your kids but you can’t force a good relationship if your parents aren’t capable of having one.

Thanks everyone for all the responses. I really appreciate all the points of view.

I've booked an Airbnb in a nice looking place not too far away, on the seafront. Just for two nights. We'll treat it as a break with a sprinkle of family.

Thanks - I will also suggest this when I'm down there. This will be much easier to arrange and can be just for the day. Just need my sibling on board...

I’m sorry your family dynamics have gone this way. It would make me sad too, especially knowing my mum was being pushed around by my father. There’s not much you can do about that, sadly.

I was wondering if it would suit you better to travel to your parents fairly early in the morning and then leave after lunch. Then travel to somewhere else that you would enjoy visiting and could get decent affordable accommodation.

Have you tried telling your sibling honestly how you feel? Do you think they would be receptive? If they’re just a bit oblivious/ self absorbed they may not realise the situation is hard for you.

Some people hate having visitors, many MN posts over the years about this and how they do not want to host. I’m fine hosting but many are not.

My divorced parents lived on the South coast it was a 3.5 hour to see my Mother and then my Father retired to the Isle of Wight so it was a ferry as well. I bumped in to a neighbour and we chatted about being away and she said she remembered the time we would be off down South all the bloody time. DH parents were also divorced, his Father eventually retired to Spain and his Mother is in London. It was a PITA and loads of travelling.

Contact women’s aid to talk about your Mother, it’s unlikely she will leave him unfortunately. Let’s hope she outlives him so she has some peaceful years. You really should have reported it to the police especially as she had injuries.

Thanks maybe I will talk to them. When I see them our wider family is there so we rarely get the time for one on one conversation. The last time we did talk it was about the violence from my dad and I had to specially arrange a visit.

I wouldn’t be supporting my kids to want to go somewhere they witness domestic violence and their mum capitulating to a toxic family dynamic.

I would be telling them it’s not an acceptable way to behave and ensuring they grow up valuing decent behaviour over blood ties.

Your Dad sounds deeply unpleasant and I wouldn't be taking or myself anywhere near him in your shoes. Your mother is clearly in a long term abusive relationship. You cannot make her leave and it isn't your job to fix them. Unfortunately, due the the dysfunctional nature of their relationship I think you need to accept they will never be the parents /grandparents you want. I just wouldn't bother in your shoes.....you never know that might be the kick start your mother needs to leave.

My PIL live 2.5 hours away and make bugger all effort to see us. When we go to see them they also make bugger all effort, and SIL is there all the time so our DC never get to spend any time one on one with PIL. So, we rented a cottage near by and done the holiday but with popping in - that back fired, as despite SIL never once in 20 years having made me even a cup of tea in her own home, would rock up at 9am and spawn camp in the rental until 6pm, expecting a full maid/nanny service. Then we went for DH popping down for the day with one or two of the DC and taking PIL out for lunch, as a surprise before SIL could pop over.

Then it dawned on DH that PIL were never going to be interested and backed right off. SILs kids never even bothered showing up for FILs funeral, by the way, so they backed thr wrong horse.

OP, you say,”I think what I actually want is for my family to act like they want to see me and my kids and make some effort.”. But clearly, it stresses out your father - not everyone can cope with ND children, and it must be harder for them if they don’t see you very often - and your mother has to bear the brunt if his stress. Your sister clearly isn’t that fussed about seeing you if she is “probably” going to be away at Easter when you’re there. So why put yourself through this? Why not wait until the summer and find somewhere you’d like to go that isn’t too far from your family, so you could have a holiday and see your family a couple of times too? Both you and they might find this a whole lot less stressful.

They've not seen any violence? They don't have a clue about it.

The worst they've seen is my dad be grumpy and a bit shouty. Admittedly that's not great but they've also seen me stand up to him, calmly, when he's spoken aggressively.

That's really sad.

I think I will do this in future. Reduce visits to maybe once or twice a year and make it a holiday.

Unfortunately all my holiday is booked for this year so if I do see them over summer it will be a weekend only.

Sister always suits her family first. Her DH works long hours with little time off so when they do have a few days eg over Easter they generally go away. But won't book anything until last minute.

I think I will have a conversation with my sibling about whether they're actually bothered seeing us (in slightly nicer terms). Obviously it's easy for them, they are close enough to pop in as and when it suits them. My parents have never missed one of their kids' birthdays and always see them. For mine they haven't even bothered to phone on the day some years. I guess out of sight, out of mind.

You seem quite resigned to being the least important child with the least important grandchildren. I really wouldn't put myself out any more. The slighting of my children would be the final straw for me. Your dad is an abuser, your mum is a victim but also an enabler of his behaviour and your sibling is the golden child.

Make the motto 'out of sight, out of mind' apply to your feelings for your parents and sibling and concentrate on making your own family happy.

You're right.

Sadly DH is also the least important child with the least important grandchildren on his side.

It's hard to come to terms with. We're not perfect but we're kind, loving people doing our best.

I would start putting the ball back in their court a bit more.

Maybe plan a holiday somewhere closer to where they live (e.g. 3 hours from you and an hour from them) and suggest meeting up somewhere close to where you are staying for the day/afternoon e.g. stately home or similar. Maybe even doing a short break together e.g. center parcs. If they don't seem keen then leave it - with the ball firmly in their court.

I had similar with my parents - always the one to travel/had to stay in a hotel/no meals offered and they couldn't even be bothered to turn off the TV and stop watching it when I arrived. If I could go back in time I wouldn't do it again (well not as much), especially now with facetime etc.

Thanks and sorry you had similar.

Things like stately homes, center parks etc address off the menu due to my mum's mobility. I do think that makes it harder to suggest things, I agree that would be a great compromise and make it easier to meet half way.

I think I need to have a conversation with them. What are their expectations, and what are they willing to do.

I'm very sensitive to making suggestions as they will historically say yes then be stressed out resentful over it.

This sounds like your really trying but it's making you very unhappy, personally I wouldn't go back with the children, its too toxic. Would it be possible to arrange that your mother stays with you for a holiday. At least you'd get to see each other, sounds like she could do with a break from her abusive husband, or would he put a stop to that.

It's not your job to handle their feelings. It's something that's really hard to accept when you've grown up in a dysfunctional family, but it's true.

You're right.

But I feel like I have an additional duty of care over my mum.

We all walk on eggshells trying to take into consideration my dad's stress levels and what we can do to mitigate them because it's my mum that will suffer.

My sibling is admittedly less considerate and aware of this, but equally they can easily dip in and out.

I came out of a similar family dynamic, the difference being that my parents got divorced, but I recognise only too well the overwhelming pressure to protect mum so I know how difficult this is and how hard it is to stop. But long term it is really bad for your physical and mental wellbeing to try and carry that weight (and the fact of the matter is that you can't, not really). Please put your wellbeing first.

Don’t go. I’m nc with mine and they would love to have me visit. Yours don’t even seem to want you to visit. So why go? Duty?