Family dynamics - what would you do?

[Chungai]

Sorry it's long - I've kept it brief as poss.

20 years ago my parents moved from 2 hours away to 4 hours away in the opposite direction, close to where my sibling lives.

I had settled in my current town with my DH in our jobs by this point, and we and my parents would visit each other a number of times a year.

Now my DPs are older and they don't like visiting us. I think they've come once in the last 5 years. Same for my sibling. So we have to do all the travelling. I suppose it makes sense for us to visit them given they've both close. My parents are old and find the travel tiring.

My sibling is great face to face when I see them but makes no effort to plan to see me. All the effort sits with me. They are well off and often travel abroad in the holidays meaning it's hard to find a time to see them. They have a big house but currently say they can't put us up. They do have a spare room but it's small and cluttered.

My father physically abused my mother on the day of our arrival the last time we visited to stay with them. I think the stress of us coming to stay precipitated this so I don't feel that we can stay with them any more.

We last visited at Christmas, and stayed in a cramped hotel where it was hellish tbh, the kids went totally hyper, the room smelled, none of us slept well, and it was miserable as we were stuck in a pitch black room in silence every evening.

We are planning to visit at Easter. My siblings is saying they might go away. I messaged my parents and my mum said it would be nice to see us. Nothing more.

We are struggling to find an Airbnb that's nearby and in our budget. We considered camping but the weather could be foul. It just feels like so much work and expense (looking at £500 for accommodation plus food out and maybe £100 petrol) when they don't seem bothered. I've spent hours agonising over various accommodation options.

My parents never call me or ask me to visit. I just feel really upset and like none of them give a shit about seeing me or my DC.

I'm not really sure how to resolve this. Is this how family visits will need to be from now on? Should I say something or just suck it up?

Thanks. Your post has really made me think. I feel like the problem must be me and my family - my kids are hard work, I don't make enough effort, I've been a bad daughter etc.

But maybe they're just as much at fault.

I just want someone to care about me, you know? I mean, my DH does but his priority is the kids.

I get on really well with my sibling. And they've been very good to me in lots of ways. I'm just way down their priority list and they would never phone me for a chat. They have built a really strong network of friends they go on holiday with etc and just pop in on my parents occasionally.

Where I live that's very difficult as all my friends are close to their families 😞

This is the answer. Go on your own for a couple of nights on the train.

If your sibling really wanted to see you, they'd be putting you up over Easter and not planning to maybe-perhaps-not-sure-yet go away. And your father abuses your mother, which is appalling.

It is shit when you realise just how far down the pecking order you are. With my father, I was about number...dunno, 65? 66?

I found it better for my sanity and general contentment to pull right back. Only you know if that is what you want to do. I'm sorry you have this to deal with.

I have slightly mixed reactions to your post.

I think it can be stressful having people to stay, at any time of life and a whole family arriving (even though it is your daughter) might feel like a bit of an invasion.

But at the same time you sound a bit aggrieved that people don’t have guest rooms to put you up in (you mention your sister’s spare room as being small and cluttered). But is a large guest room really a good use of space in a home? At one point we were maintaining a guest room that was only used a couple of times a year. It’s now a gym/home working space and getting used every day.

It all comes down to how much you want to maintain these relationships. My surviving parent is a remote part of the country. I came to the conclusion that it made more sense for me to visit solo and travel lighter/more swiftly than visiting as a whole family. When we do travel together we book nice accommodation and try to make it as enjoyable as we possibly can.

My only other idea is buying a caravan?

My father lives 4.5 hrs away, near my brother and his family. Sometimes I bring the chikdren and we make a little holiday out of it, it cost us thousands in accommodation over the years but there's actually a better (almost free) solution now which makes things easier. My dad is in full time care so I can only visit for short periods.
Sometimes I drive down, visit, stay the night, visit in the morning and leave by 11/12am. Home within 24 hours. Much less stress and overall easier on the family as a whole. I have also been known to drive down and back in one day with no sleepover, if circumstances required that.
I think that unless you are a very nervous driver you would find it easier to do this.

I agree it can be stressful which is what I acknowledged in my OP.

The comment about the spare room was that my sibling doesn't offer it up to us to stay in because they would then have to declutter it. To be honest it's too small for 4 people anyway, it's practically a box room. It's not like she's sitting there with two huge rooms with an en suite we could easily use.

Unfortunately a caravan is out of the question for multiple reasons.

I am a bit of a nervous driver unfortunately, I rarely drive day to day as have no need to, and the drive is not easy. After about 3 hours I start to feel really tired. There's absolutely no way I could drive 8+ hours in a day. I think the most I've done is 6 and I really struggled.

I know you say you wouldn't choose to holiday where they are, but is there anywhere within an hour of them that would be a nice place to visit. Then you could take break there, if finances allowed, and just have a day trip to see them. Combine that with one visit on your own.
Are there any trains or coaches to make the journey less of a stress for you if you go alone? You need to book well in advance, but flixbus can be quite economical.
I think you may have to just stick to 1 joint and one solo visit a year, expecially as it sounds as if they don't offer to help pay for an airbnb so the cost of visiting can't be ignored.

Thinking outside of the box as like other PP’s trying hard to problem solve with you.
Could you join a home swap group and swap your house for a house near your parents?
Perhaps this could be a longer term solution.

I do get the impression that you don't really want the problem solved and to be told on here that it is fine not to go.

Thanks. A house swap could be something to look into longer term.

I think what I actually want is for my family to act like they want to see me and my kids and make some effort. Not for it to be me every single time. Not to feel like my kids are a nuisance or burden. Not to have to stay in some drab Airbnb for a few hours of small talk. The only time I usually get to talk to my mum is after DC in bed and my dad has gone off to watch TV. I suppose my husband could take the kids back and I could stay longer but transport wise I'd have to get taxi etc which means finding somewhere within a good distance of their house.

Not to drip feed but my children are ND and that plus the fact they don't really see them often means they clearly find them difficult.

My parents will happily put up other relatives, they put up my cousin and partner for 2 weeks recently. I'm not sure how that strained things between my parents.

"I think what I actually want is for my family to act like they want to see me and my kids and make some effort".

That is not going to ever happen sadly and it's not your fault. You did not make them this way. Your children hardly know your parents yet you state that
your DC love them. Their grandparents are not interested and favour your sibling. Your mother has chosen to stay with her H for her own reasons. I'd leave her to it as well.

I would cancel the visit to them at Easter because there is really no point at all in going to see them. They are simply not interested.

My father physically abused my mother on the day of our arrival the last time we visited to stay with them.

wtaf

THIS is what your bloody OP should be about FGS

And you’re navel gazing about other stuff

when this is what your father did that you know of. What the hell do you think is going on behind closed door.

I am speechless at your relaxed stance about this

This isn't really about where you stay, given your update, it us about how they make you feel. You can't control how they behave, only deal with your feelings around it.

Would/could you all meet together elsewhere, two hours travel each? Much more doable for the day or for just one overnight and could help to restart the relationship in a good way.

Perhaps your parents do find your DC’s more difficult to have at home? ( as you say others stay with them) Perhaps neutral territory would be good, take the pressure off everyone.

To me the perfect solution would seem to be that you travel down solo one Saturday afternoon, check into a Premier Inn or similar, go over to see your parents early that evening, come back to the hotel for a meal and early night, perhaps meet your mum and sister out somewhere for a coffee in the morning, then travel home around lunchtime.

I do something very similar, staying in a hotel (generally my parent only wants to see me for an hour maximum and the hospitality is irregular to say the least!). Thankfully I have another family member who is a bit more welcoming. But that is what is possible and if I didn’t make the effort to do this then whole years could pass without seeing my parent.

I think you just have to accept that the warm welcome and spacious guest room (you actually want two rooms - do you keep two guest rooms ready in your own house?) will not be happening. Your life has changed and so has the family dynamic. Sorry.

Why do you want to see them? They aren't happy to see you or their grandchildren and it's costing you money. Stay at home over Easter. You will have a much better time.

It's only you and your family making any effort so I wouldn't bother any more.

I've posted about that separately before on here under a different username.

So YOU need to visit your MOTHER
alone
and work out a plan for her to leave your abusive father

I want to ask, very gently, why do you want to see them? You don't enjoy it, you resent the effort and money, and you get nothing in return.

This was behind closed doors. We weren't there when it happened.

What should I do?

If I call the police or SS they will just deny it - and it might well then escalate his behaviour. They are a nice comfortable elderly couple with no concerns and no record of abusive behaviour.

My mum won't enter into a discussion about it with me. She's has chosen to stay with him and is choosing him over me and my family, she will freeze me out if I bring it up and this is what she did before.

I assume they already made up a story about how she slipped and fell when she went to A&E.

I don't talk to my dad now except to say a cursory hello. I don't know if he knows I know what happened. I'm hundreds of miles away and unable to keep tabs on things. I told my sibling who spoke to my mum face to face and my mum said she would go to GP. I think she may suspect my dad has the beginnings of Alzheimers or something like that. She hasn't actually gone or done anything, to my knowledge.

My dad has always had an aggressive side with borderline aggressive behaviours (I don't know for sure but I have reason to believe he raped my mum) although in the last 20 years or so things were much better, or so I thought, hence the GP visit as he hasn't done anything physical for 30+ years.

He still speaks to my mum like dirt fairly often. I pull him up on it when I'm there.

I'm almost 100% sure she won't leave.

It's also very difficult to get her alone.

My sibling who is close by is much better positioned to do this. I've asked them to talk to her about options.

She did leave once; 30 years ago. She came back the next day. My dad behaved much better for a while after that.

Yes we can meet halfway, and have done this once or twice over the years for big birthdays.

My mum won't go without my dad / someone accompanying her. She can't drive.

My dad unfortunately makes a huge stress of it these days (and will take it out on my mum I'm sure). Insisting on everyone getting to the station ridiculously early etc and he is struggling to drive these days too it seems. I wonder if he has anxiety, he's always so stressed about everything outside the norm.

I could see if my sibling would accompany my mum on the train and meet just the 3 of us.

I do really enjoy seeing my sibling, and my mum as well one on one.

I don't enjoy my dad barking at my kids, the sense that I've created stress by coming to visit, the awkwardness of them not planning any meals but also seeming weird about me cooking for them, their inability to communicate or make decisions. Every decision when I visit is up to me. Shall we go for lunch, finding a place, booking it... And I'm not local!!

Please talk to the posters on the stately homes thread.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5272966-february-2025-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes