Hand hold for leaving emotionally/verbally and financially abusive relationship

[WingingItFTM]

Ok…so i’ve been reading Jessa85’s current post and getting so much inspiration and energy from it.

I’ve posted a couple of times before but on specific topics - not outlining the true extent of the relationship…so here goes!

Firstly, a bit of context on where I’m at currently. I first spoke to a domestic abuse charity in Aug 2023 after a particularly bad outburst from my partner (calling me a cunt in front of our child, telling our child he should find me - in the next room - before he does as he doesn’t know what he will do). This was the first time ‘abuse’ had really come into my head and I spent 2hrs on the phone speaking to an AMAZING woman who gave me so much guidance while I just sobbed down the phone.
Then I was just paralysed for 6 months. I think I was in shock. I just carried on.
Jan 2024 I started getting my act together. I started reading and listening to podcasts. I told my mum and my best friend some of the details and then around March I went about trying to get more help - my work EAP, citizens advice and finally Womens Aid who have been brilliant. They got me on a waiting list for a ‘pay what you can’ therapy charity and I started sessions in September and am now 6 months in. The difference in my mindset is INCREDIBLE. I was so unsure as to what was happening/if it was making it up/if it was ME - to being confident in calling it for what it is. My therapist says I physically speak louder, I sit upright, I’m more confident in what I say and how I say it.

I’m fully intending to say I want out of the relationship imminently but it’s not straightforward. We have a 4 yr old son who adores his dad and we have a mortgage on a very big house. Neither of us would be able to buy the other out and, given the value, it won’t be a quick property to sell.

When I speak to him I know he will not be expecting it and I fully expect him to be VERY angry (there has never been any physical violence), and I believe he will refuse to sell the house (mortgage in both names and tenants in common) so that will mean a court order is needed to force a sale - no idea if that will even be granted. We’re not married.

some context to the relationship;

• we met at work in 2012. We didn’t work together directly.
• He is significantly older than me. 15+ years
• I was in another relationship at the time (awful i know) and - through the therapy -I believe I felt that I deserved what was happening in this new relationship; that i’d made my bed
• a LOT of what I now know is lovebombing initially (NY, Italy, & UK holidays all within the first 3 months etc)
• We moved in together within 6 months and saw each other every day from day 1 of the relationship
• About 2yrs into the relationship he was asked to leave the business we both worked at due to bullying. I stood by him. Essentially this somewhat alienated from my work support network
• I had already been ostracised by my friendship group largely due to his behaviour over the previous 2 years
• Life continued, I didn’t really understand what was happening I thought it was all ‘normal’
• In 2015 we bought a house together and in 2020 had our son

There were always outbursts from around 6 months into the relationship but they were maybe 3 times a year. There was definitely some control and manipulation but I always made excuses for it.

I absolutely did everything in the relationship- all the cooking, all the weekly cleaning (he’d help if there were people coming over but not day to day), all the holiday and weekend planning. I just didn’t really realise I was doing it all.

Then we had our son and suddenly I couldn’t do it all anymore. I began to see the inequality and also the inequality in caring for our son which very much mostly fell to me.

He also lost his job during Covid and was unemployed for over 2 years (he had PIP insurance which paid out around 50% of his wage - otherwise we’d have been on the street). Funnily enough when that ended he found a job within one month (Dec 23) - but apparently that’s me being cynical!

Things really took a turn for the worse after that big outburst in Aug 23. Up and till then he would always do the silent treatment for a couple of days and I wouldn’t be able to take it and ask if we could just go back to normal and he would make me apologise for whatever it was he said I’d done wrong - but I just didn’t do this this time and things escalated pretty quick.

Now;

• he pretty much doesn’t talk to me at all
• he regularly calls me a cunt/fucker/twat
• regularly tells me how lazy I am when I’m run ragged working 4 days a week, looking after our son at literally all other times other than when he’s asleep, and trying to keep on top of the house (which I’m literally not able to)
• he constantly criticises how I parent, tells me that i’m moronic etc.
• he turns our son against me ‘mummy’s unkind’ etc.
• he criticises my appearance- I look like a ‘carthorse’, ‘a sack of potatoes’, an ‘old man’. I’m a dog etc.
• since he has been back working he has refused to contribute more than 50% to bills/mortgage despite earning around £1500 after tax more than me a month. All our joint savings have now gone and when i beg him to contribute more so I can do the food shopping he tells me to get out a personal loan
• I dread coming home and my heart stops whenever i get a text in case it’s from him

I could go on for days…

I think this is the longest message ever written! Not even sure if it will post!
But any support in taking the next step or advice would be SO welcome 🙏

Leave him?

I guess the advice I was looking for was around;

• details/advice around the forced sale court order.
• what do i do if he stops paying his half of the mortgage?
• every day he leaves the house an absolute tip, if we do get it on the market, what is to stop this when there are viewings?
• what if we tries for more than 50% custody?

@WingingItFTM what do you do? Get proper legal advice from a lawyer knowledgeable in domestic abuse, maybe WA could recommend one? Gather all important documents and stash them somewhere safe out of the house, maybe a family member or trusted friend. But proper legal advice is no.1 priority.

Can you and your son move out? Or can you get him to leave? You need to get away from him so you can have the mental space to get your ducks in a row. I also second calling Women's Aid for advice. They are invaluable as a starting point. Sending you strength OP.

Thank you x

I have spoken with a solicitor WA put me in touch with about the court order. They said that because we weren’t married we would have to go through mediation first - which concerned me as my partner is very charming and manipulative and I can see them twisting everything.
I spoke to my WA contact and she said she didn’t think that that advice was correct because it was an abuse situation (which the solicitor was aware of) but she wasn’t sure.
She put me in touch with another charity who offer legal advice but when i contacted them last week they said they only offered advice on restraining orders and children not financial and property. They did then give me some advice around court orders and children (which I hadn’t asked for) with a smiley face after it so I think they MIGHT have been trying to give me the advice that I needed.
They said that in lots of cases it is possible to get an exemption from mediation in DA cases.
With that terminology, i’ve since been able to do some googling which seems to suggest this is correct but that you needed some sort of ‘proof’. Several websites list out things like police reports etc. (which i don’t have) but there is also a section called ‘professional evidence’ where someone can write a letter of support and says this is a DA situation - it says one person who can do this is your Dr so last week I spoke to them and explained the situation - so I can go back to them when i need to.

I have also gathered some documents - passport, birth certificate- mine and sons, mortgage documents - and taken them to my work. I don’t have any family or friends locally so it seemed the only place. I will need to do another hit on this as I know I haven’t got everything but my partner almost never leaves the house as he works from home - so it’s not easy.

So I am taking steps but it is scary and confusing and I don’t really have anyone to talk to about it - except my therapist, who is a life line. But my sessions through the charity to an end in 3 weeks time

Thank you for your support.

There is absolutely no way he would leave the property- I’m certain on that. And the only way of enforcing it would be something like a non molestation order which wouldn’t be applicable here as the abuse isn’t physical or stalking - plus I don’t even know what he would do if I tried that, I want to go in as softly as possible because in his eyes he has done nothing wrong and i am the evil one as he puts it.

Long term, my mum has very kindly offered that she could help me rent somewhere in the short term if needed (as i’ll still need to pay my 1/2 of the mortgage and can’t afford to do both) but this can only happen once i’ve told my partner i want to leave as they equate to the same thing and he would be on the war path immediately if I tried that.

My real concern is that he will refuse to pay his 1/2 of the mortgage/bills as soon as I tell him I want to leave and due to the fact that he has always earned substantially more than me (and when we bought the house it was on the understanding that he would contribute significantly more than me).
I spoke to the solicitor about that also and they said there was literally nothing I could do but hope that doesn’t happen and that I (and him) would be liable to continue making the payments, it would wreck my credit score and ultimately the house could be repossessed.
I know that if he does try that my first step will be to contact the provider, explain the situation and ask for a mortgage holiday - but that can only last for so long.

I don’t have any helpful advice but I just wanted to send you a hand hold. You’re doing all the right things, seeking advice and I can hear how stuck you feel.

Have you spoken to the bank about remortgaging to release equity that you could keep? Your home is your security financially but it’s not your refuge. Would you be prepared to walk away with your son for a cash settlement that is less than what you’re legally entitled to, but would mean you were free to move on? I suggest this as an absolutely last case resort but living in that environment for both you and your son - is it worth it?

@WingingItFTM the abuse may not be ‘physical or stalking’, but he definitely IS abusive. The name calling and the trying to alienate your dc is abuse as I’m sure you know. Try and keep calm, grey rock as much as possible. See a solicitor asap, and also make an appointment with your bank/ mortgage provider to see what advice they can offer in your ‘domestic abuse’ situation. But a good lawyer should have all the answers. (Btw, mediation is never recommended where there is abuse, but I’m sure your WA advisor can keep you right on that.) At the end of the day, your safety and that of your dc is paramount. Good luck 💐

Hand hold, OP. You are doing the right thing for you and your son.

He will never win - you and your son will ultimately be happy in your new lives and he'll still be a massive bellend.

Currently in a very similar situation but thankfully no little ones about - just an elderly mother that lives with us (and she's deaf so she never hears his tantrums at me).
I just wanted to say 'stay strong' and keep moving along that path.
Big virtual hug 💪

Sounds so bad. You don't live with a partner. You live with an opponent :(

Thank you, I appreciate the kindness 💛

This is equity in the property but less than there was a few years ago as remortgaged and released equity- 30k - just before our son was born with the intention of doing some home improvements but it all slowly disappeared on bills while my partner was unemployed for 2years. During that time we continued to pay to have our son in Nursery as my partner said he couldn’t ever find a job if he had to look after our son during the day.

In terms of walking away I’m currently relying on the fact that eventually if the house is sold i’ll get a chunk of money and have estimated what that would be. I’m hopeful that it would be sufficient for me to put down a reasonable deposit on a 2 bed flat for my son and I in our current area - I don’t know if this is an unrealistic fantasy but it is what I’m currently clinging to.
Also, and excuse my ignorance here - I guess I really do need a solicitor - but I assume you are suggesting that my partner would then retain the house and pay the mortgage? Aside any other reason, I don’t think it be possible as the mortgage is very high and I don’t think he would be able (or allowed by the provider) to take that on alone. Please let me know if I’ve completely misunderstood understood your suggestion?

Thank you - this is helpful.

I suppose I’ve been delaying speaking to a solicitor or the mortgage provider because there’s a part of me that says am i blowing this out of proportion, am i exaggerating what’s happening, when i say i want to leave will he just say ‘ok, we’ll sell the house’

MONTHS of therapy have got me this far and saying it out loud to my GP last week was a big step for me. Writing this post was a big step.

But i know i just need to give myself a push otherwise i’ll be here forever

I can really identify with that. It is such a big & scary thing to do 'alone' - I think we get so used to having that other person beside us (as bad as they are, they are there!) that we will question our ability to forge on alone. For how long have we been questioning 'is this abuse', 'am I going mad' or 'maybe I'm the one with the problem' that is it any wonder that we will question the biggies like how to leave, where to live, how will we cope. Your head probably feels like it is going to implode!

My dear old dad used to say to me that the man that makes you cry is not the man for you. He'd be turning in his grave right now as I sit here still wondering if this fck womble is emotional abusive to me. Needless to say, the fck womble is trying to punish me by staying in the other bedroom, not communicating and probably thinking that I'm going to do the usual to try and keep the status quo, take him a cuppa, suggest we talk - then I sit and listen whilst he berates me for what I have done wrong, how I'm probably depressed, how I'm probably just a little upset and need to have a long walk.......
It would be so much easier if they were nasty to us 100% of the time - for me, if I had to apply percentages, he's nasty a very small 5-10% of the time. But each time hurts a little more, each time destroys us just a little more and I lose myself more and more.

If you had a magic wand and could suddenly transport yourself and your son a year into the future - in your own little home, managing your own life and managing it well, no emotional ups and downs, laughing and smiling at things again - but the magic wand had done all the unpleasant stuff leading up to it all - would you take that opportunity? I would, so I have my answer.

Deepest sympathy
Well done on your progress so far
He is abusive
Did you put his name on the kids birth certificate?
You will get through this
I hope you can get really good legal help

Maybe I’m the problem has definitely been a big sticking point for me over the last 18 months - I’m certainly made to feel it’s me by my partner.

I can only think about so much at a time as otherwise I just can’t control the panic. My son is due to start school in September and i’ve had to apply for school places with my partner ‘business as usual’ not know what the circumstances will be or where we’ll be living - which is terrifying but also feels incredibly dishonest which I feel guilty about.

My partner was only nasty 5-10% of the time initially but it got significantly worse when we had a child and significantly worse again when i didn’t do that cycle you mention of me/you taking the blame for his behaviour and apologising for it.
Now he says I’m the one who has the problem as I no longer engage with him and have withdrawn - and for SO long that had me stuck, I thought maybe it was me. But i’m not swearing at him or shouting at him, criticising his parenting, gaslighting, withholding money for essential items, turning our child against him - he tries to tell me I do these things but I can now see that it is projection of his guilt.
Please, please get out now before you end up where I am. Good luck!

And yes, I’d wave the wand!

Thank you 🙏

yes, he is on the birth certificate. I thought it was a relatively ‘normal’ relationship at that point - despite the occasional outburst. I genuinely didn’t realise how much I was changing myself to suit him

Yes
i genuinely find myself forgetting it’s not meant to be like this - and that breaks my heart

Thank you!
sending strength to you also x

Can I just add OP that as overwhelming and insurmountable as it feels right now, you can do this and you will cope just fine on your own and eventually live a happy and peaceful life, free from him.

I know how it feels to be where you are right now, when leaving feels impossible and you don't know where to even begin, because you've been undermined for so long and made to feel incapable and crazy and like you're the problem or it's all in your head.

I just want to offer you my support, because the threads I made on here leading up to and in the immediate aftermath of leaving my abusive exh gave me so much strength and motivation to keep going. It's so powerful to know you have a group of women behind you and rooting for you, who understand what you're going through, even if it is just strangers on the internet.

Please keep posting and asking for advice and I promise we'll get you through this and out the other side

I don't have any advice I'm sorry, but you are absolutely doing the right thing planning to leave.

Have you considered speaking to the police about the verbal abuse so it is on their radar and in case it escalated when you tell him you are leaving? I think you realise this from your posts but it is statistically riskier for women from an abuse point of view after they leave.

Oof. This is the kindest thing anyone has said to me in a long time - thank you 🥹

Women supporting women is EVERYTHING and I absolutely look forward to the day I can write a message like yours to someone else 💗

x

Get any evidence you can. Screenshot messages he sends you. Save emails and voice mails. Keep a diary (on your phone, in code if necessary) so when/if he goes for residency of your child you've got dates and can remember what happened.

Obviously it's absolutely vital you leave as soon as possible as living with someone like that, in a hostile atmosphere, will do lifelong, huge damage to your child.

I'd suggest going to a refuge.

And definitely never mention your plans to your partner.

Re the house. I moved to a refuge but had an occupation order within a month so he had to move out of the house and I moved back in (with my toddlers).

You definitely need a paper trail. If anyone can write witness statements (maybe they've heard shouting or witnessed something) you can add that also. My children's health visitor wrote an excellent report.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DHKZ1qBuQcQ/?igsh=dTFwYmhmaTI0cHV1

I saw this and thought of you, OP.