Hand hold for leaving emotionally/verbally and financially abusive relationship

[WingingItFTM]

Ok…so i’ve been reading Jessa85’s current post and getting so much inspiration and energy from it.

I’ve posted a couple of times before but on specific topics - not outlining the true extent of the relationship…so here goes!

Firstly, a bit of context on where I’m at currently. I first spoke to a domestic abuse charity in Aug 2023 after a particularly bad outburst from my partner (calling me a cunt in front of our child, telling our child he should find me - in the next room - before he does as he doesn’t know what he will do). This was the first time ‘abuse’ had really come into my head and I spent 2hrs on the phone speaking to an AMAZING woman who gave me so much guidance while I just sobbed down the phone.
Then I was just paralysed for 6 months. I think I was in shock. I just carried on.
Jan 2024 I started getting my act together. I started reading and listening to podcasts. I told my mum and my best friend some of the details and then around March I went about trying to get more help - my work EAP, citizens advice and finally Womens Aid who have been brilliant. They got me on a waiting list for a ‘pay what you can’ therapy charity and I started sessions in September and am now 6 months in. The difference in my mindset is INCREDIBLE. I was so unsure as to what was happening/if it was making it up/if it was ME - to being confident in calling it for what it is. My therapist says I physically speak louder, I sit upright, I’m more confident in what I say and how I say it.

I’m fully intending to say I want out of the relationship imminently but it’s not straightforward. We have a 4 yr old son who adores his dad and we have a mortgage on a very big house. Neither of us would be able to buy the other out and, given the value, it won’t be a quick property to sell.

When I speak to him I know he will not be expecting it and I fully expect him to be VERY angry (there has never been any physical violence), and I believe he will refuse to sell the house (mortgage in both names and tenants in common) so that will mean a court order is needed to force a sale - no idea if that will even be granted. We’re not married.

some context to the relationship;

• we met at work in 2012. We didn’t work together directly.
• He is significantly older than me. 15+ years
• I was in another relationship at the time (awful i know) and - through the therapy -I believe I felt that I deserved what was happening in this new relationship; that i’d made my bed
• a LOT of what I now know is lovebombing initially (NY, Italy, & UK holidays all within the first 3 months etc)
• We moved in together within 6 months and saw each other every day from day 1 of the relationship
• About 2yrs into the relationship he was asked to leave the business we both worked at due to bullying. I stood by him. Essentially this somewhat alienated from my work support network
• I had already been ostracised by my friendship group largely due to his behaviour over the previous 2 years
• Life continued, I didn’t really understand what was happening I thought it was all ‘normal’
• In 2015 we bought a house together and in 2020 had our son

There were always outbursts from around 6 months into the relationship but they were maybe 3 times a year. There was definitely some control and manipulation but I always made excuses for it.

I absolutely did everything in the relationship- all the cooking, all the weekly cleaning (he’d help if there were people coming over but not day to day), all the holiday and weekend planning. I just didn’t really realise I was doing it all.

Then we had our son and suddenly I couldn’t do it all anymore. I began to see the inequality and also the inequality in caring for our son which very much mostly fell to me.

He also lost his job during Covid and was unemployed for over 2 years (he had PIP insurance which paid out around 50% of his wage - otherwise we’d have been on the street). Funnily enough when that ended he found a job within one month (Dec 23) - but apparently that’s me being cynical!

Things really took a turn for the worse after that big outburst in Aug 23. Up and till then he would always do the silent treatment for a couple of days and I wouldn’t be able to take it and ask if we could just go back to normal and he would make me apologise for whatever it was he said I’d done wrong - but I just didn’t do this this time and things escalated pretty quick.

Now;

• he pretty much doesn’t talk to me at all
• he regularly calls me a cunt/fucker/twat
• regularly tells me how lazy I am when I’m run ragged working 4 days a week, looking after our son at literally all other times other than when he’s asleep, and trying to keep on top of the house (which I’m literally not able to)
• he constantly criticises how I parent, tells me that i’m moronic etc.
• he turns our son against me ‘mummy’s unkind’ etc.
• he criticises my appearance- I look like a ‘carthorse’, ‘a sack of potatoes’, an ‘old man’. I’m a dog etc.
• since he has been back working he has refused to contribute more than 50% to bills/mortgage despite earning around £1500 after tax more than me a month. All our joint savings have now gone and when i beg him to contribute more so I can do the food shopping he tells me to get out a personal loan
• I dread coming home and my heart stops whenever i get a text in case it’s from him

I could go on for days…

I think this is the longest message ever written! Not even sure if it will post!
But any support in taking the next step or advice would be SO welcome 🙏

Hi OP like PPs I've been where you are now twice.

I am sending you strength. Visualise where you'll be in a year (in a nice flat with your boy, low stress, rebuilding friendships and your work life. Your home cosy and safe....) and focus on it when you wobble. This IS an attainable goal for you and your DS.

Consider just telling him as soon as you can. Not a discussion, just you saying "I'm ending this relationship. The house will need to be sold. And we'll need some proper arrangements for care of DS".

Currently you seem frozen by guessing his reaction. You want to be ready for anything.

But you already are. You know it's over. You know you can cope with whatever he says. It's only words.

You're doing this for you, the woman you've always been, found again through the therapy. And for your beloved DS.

Practical steps as described by PP.
Maybe make a GP appointment about the emotional and psychological abuse. The conversation will be supportive and validating as well as a resource for exemption application from mediation.
You will be able to get an exemption from mediation. How can "they" insist you walk into a room for a difficult conversation with someone who is abusing you?

Speak to soon to be ex. Screw up your courage to the sticking place. Once the words are out of your mouth everything will change.

If he decides he's not covering the mortgage, and you can't arrange to do so short term with the rent help from your Mum, you can speak to mortgage lender about support.

These days they have people trained in being supportive in DA/health/debt issues. They WILL be supportive. You don't have to make a decision right away you'll just be telling them change is coming, the house will be sold so the mortgage will ultimately be repaid. They just like to hear from you.

We know you can do this. We're posting here and also thinking of you as we go about our days. Importantly, YOU know you can do this.

The relief you'll feel is beyond my power to describe. Your DS will feel it too.

Thank you

I screenshot messages and save them in a hidden photos file that needs face id
I also try and write down all incidents, dated, on my phone - again locked with photo id. I have to admit I’ve struggled with this but i’ve kept it up consistently since Dec and have consistent chunks before that. In the main part each thing is quite small but there will be 10 or 20 things a day - a comment on my appearance, an unreasonable order, a mean aside to our son and the bigger incidents might be only every few months. You feel a bit silly writing down ‘he called me a dog’ or ‘a sack of potatoes’ but when that’s every other day I guess it adds up.

I know it’s the right thing to do for my son but at the same time I know he will be so hurt and confused by it as he worships his dad. I’m sure if you gave him a choice (obviously he’s 4 so you wouldn’t!) he would choose his dad over me as his dad only does the fun stuff - he doesn’t do meals or baths or bedtimes - though i do worry what it will be like for him when he does in the future stay with his dad as my partner really has done very little of the day to day parenting and, to be honest, can’t look after himself (ie. Housework, appointments etc.)

you obviously don’t have to answer this, but I assume to get an occupation order there must have been physical - or a real threat of - abuse?
Does your ex partner have access to your child now?

(What with Covid I think i’ve only ever met my HV once - I’ve no idea who they even are!)
My partner is charming in public - my mum doesn’t even really believe me.
The only person who has probably heard something is my 60+ male neighbour who might not be willing to come forward. It’s an option to speak to him, he’s a nice man and he’s kind to our son, but who knows if he’d decide to say something to my partner out of a misplaced desire to help

Thank you 💛

I had a feeling the link might be Grace Stewart - I found her page a couple of months ago and it was as if i had written every single post

I don’t follow her though - for obvious reasons - so thank you very much for this post, I hadn’t seen it
It is EXACTLY that

Leave ASAP and do all this investigation after.
Staying won't make anything clearer or make any difference to an Occupation Order.

It looks like you are backtracking here! Do not do that! Stick to your original plan and leave!

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this post. I truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.
And everything you say is right and exactly what I need to hear

thank you x

Absolutely agree. And good luck. You can do this!

Also OP people who haven't experienced this might not get it. They can't imagine/visualise the things you're describing.

You know your reality. Your son will be his next victim. Let people be confused, disbelieving, dismissive - makes no difference to you. The ones who matter will get it eventually.

No not back tracking, but just trying to explain that my brain isn’t 100% resolved all the time

but thank you for keeping me on the right path 🙏

I'd also recommend Emma thepersonalgrowth.project - her posts are really relatable, she's a great therapist (I've had sessions with her) and her book was the most relatable and eye opening thing I'd ever seen when I first came across it last year.

How are you doing today OP?

https://amzn.eu/d/iAAYah9

Yes OP solid advice here. You need to know where you stand with things, so that you can get organised to get out of this terrible situation.

Oh this looks brilliant, thank you!

In case it helps anyone else, my therapist recommended a couple of podcasts by Dr Ramani and I they have been SO helpful

i’ve just bought her book but haven’t started it yet:
https://amzn.eu/d/cz43m9k

i’m feeling ok. I had my weekly therapy session today which is always really helpful. I told her about this thread and she was really pleased

i just feel it’s a case of finding the right time now - and obviously there is no right time, I’d be waiting forever, but i just need to work out ‘logistics’ with my son etc. for when i speak to my partner

Good luck Op. I stumbled on to your thread and sounds really tough but that you're making great headway. No particular advice to offer but I'll keep an eye on the thread so come back if you need to talk through any of it x

I admire you OP for making the decision to end it without any big abusive incident forcing your hand. That shows real strength. Just please don't get too caught up in trying to find the perfect moment. You can do this.

@WingingItFTM

I agree with PP, you really need to see a solicitor if you want to know your exactly legal position and your exact options. All the asking others and googling isn't going to get you the information you need.

But I guess wrt the house, you need to decide "what is it worth to me to be rid of him?". Is it worth staying and fighting it out in court for a forced sale? Is it worth leaving and fighting it out in court for a forced sale? Is it worth signing the house over to him for less than you'd get if you fought it out? Is it worth walking away with nothing? You have to figure what your 'limit' is.

As far as him being messy, you really aren't going to be able to do anything about it except clean it up yourself for showings. To try to argue with him or reason with him is futile because his main concern will be to make you as miserable as he can, even if it's to his own detriment. I'm sorry, but that's the truth.

This isn't going to be easy, but it can and will be done. And you should leave immediately if he threatens or turns violent. It sounds like his verbal abuse may already be affecting your child and this is something you must give serious consideration to and is enough of a reason to leave regardless of the house.

My exH used to do the Silent Treatment'. It used to be the trigger to run and apologize and beg to be forgiven. But then I learnt to regard it as 'Blessed Silence'. If he was pouting silently, he wasn't verbally abusing me. So I just went about my days as if he wasn't there. Once he realized it didn't get him the reaction he wanted, he stopped. That wasn't enough to change my decision kick him out though. Nothing could have changed that.

You say you aren't in contact with friends and family, that he alienated you from them (or them from you). Please, pick up the phone and call them. What have you got to lose? And I'd be willing to bet they've been hoping for that call. You may have to hear 'I told you so' a few times, but it will be worth it to have them back in your life.

Just remember that it's a marathon, not a sprint. It will take time, but it will happen.

Hi @WingingItFTM You are in a very abusive relationship. Not only the verbal abuse and name calling, but him leaving all the housework and childcare to you.

He’s also manipulating your DS against you, so you need to get your DS settled into a life with you as soon as possible, while he’s too young to eventually remember and ideally before he starts school. That way, he starts school with separated parents and you can tell the school you’re a survivor of domestic abuse. And you’ll be able to make friends with school parents as a lone parent, which will give you new friends just for you.

Your STBX may go for 50/50 custody, but if you leave with your son, he may not fight it if you offer regular access. They’re often not that bothered if it means taking legal steps themselves, paying for a home with an extra bedroom and doing all the childcare, meals etc. That’s why it may be best to blindside him, rent a flat and leave.

Your next step is a family law solicitor who specialises in domestic abuse. You may be eligible for legal aid. Let them know you want to move out with your DS to a rental, but you’re worried about him agreeing to the sale, giving access/keeping presentable for viewings, paying the mortgage and you getting into mortgage arrears. He could get really difficult and refuse to let you/anyone in once you’ve moved out. So you need to know how quickly you could get an order or even if it’s better to get one before you leave.

I’d start visiting estate agents now to choose one you like. A older woman estate agent may be best, but ask for recommendations/look at reviews. Once you’ve chosen, explain the situation to them in strict confidence. They can help you with a flat and also deal with the house sale. Is there any time he’s likely to be out or away when you could arrange estate agents photos, at least, with it looking great before you move out, even if you don’t immediately instruct them (due to his permission) or put it on the market. Start packing any non-essentials you want to take with you and moving it out a friends, your mum’s or self-storage. If he notices, just say you’ve had a clear out.

I’d also speak directly to your mortgage company, again in strict confidence, as they may be able to offer a solution while the house is on the market. This is a common occurrence. For example, they may, as you say, give you a mortgage holiday on your share of the arrears. I’d get it on the market this Spring if you can. Best time to sell and should all be over by the time your DS starts school. You never know what’s around the corner. Prices could drop and you could lose equity. Get it sold asap and then you’re financially free of him. That will feel so great. Then you can look to buy your own place.

Please get out as soon as possible. The older your DS gets the harder it’ll be for you and him. He’ll get more attached to and influenced by his dad. Plus, you’ll be older for getting your own mortgage.

This is an incredibly generous and thoughtful reply, thank you.
I am taking everything on board.

I think I’ve decided that my next steps are going to be;

• speak to my work about it. I believe they will be supportive, and request some time off - compassionate leave or I’d be perfectly happy to use holiday. I won’t be able to do that next week but hopefully could take some days off the following week

• Today I’ve been looking into solicitors in my area that offer DA separation services and have found one local to me. Next week I will try and speak to the local Citizens Advice to see if they have any recommendations who to use or just progress with that one

• Arrange the solicitor appointment for the week after. Potentially speak to an estate agent and the mortgage lender that week also. I’m pretty sure I don’t qualify for legal aid but I will check

• My partner works from the office 1 day a week so i would use that day to collect together any final bits of paperwork and make a start on decluttering the house in a non obvious way

Hopefully writing it on here will help keep me accountable 🙂

You can do this OP. You deserve so much more.

@WingingItFTM well done you 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Keep going, keep grey rocking him, and beaver away in the background!

These are all really positive steps OP, well done. How are you feeling today?

In case it helps you, here are some of the first steps which I found really helpful when I finally managed to leave him...

Speaking to Women's Aid. As well as offering support and validating your experience, they should have a list of solicitors that specialise in DV and who accept legal aid. And if you are entitled to legal aid, then Women's Aid will also be able to write you a letter confirming the abuse, which you'll need for the application.

Looking into benefits. I don't know your financial circumstances, but you may be entitled to UC to top up your income once you've left him. It's worth checking the Entitled To website or asking Women's Aid for help with this.

Housing - if you're fleeing domestic abuse you can apply for council housing and you'll be given a really high banding. I did this and they offered me a property within about 2/3 months of applying. Women's Aid helped me with the application and with contacting the council. I didn't take the property in the end due to the location, but I was amazed at how quickly it happened.

When I did eventually move into a rental property, Women's Aid found me a grant which paid for my first month's rent and deposit. You can also apply for a discretionary housing payment from the council for this. They also offered me help with finding things like white goods and furniture.

If you haven't already, I'd also suggest speaking to your GP, telling them what's happening and asking to be signed off work for a while. This is hands down one of the best things I did in the early days of leaving my ex. My GP was so sympathetic and reassuring and scheduled weekly check ups with me until I felt stronger. It was so nice having someone just checking in and letting me offload for 10 minutes. The time off work was also really useful while I sorted my head and the practicalities out. It also creates a record of the abuse in case you need it.

My GP also put me in touch with the surgery's social prescribing team, who sat with me and explained the divorce process, helped me find a solicitor and apply for benefits. Sounds daft but my brain was so traumatised and scrambled that doing that stuff felt impossible on my own. Having someone support me through it stopped me from deciding it was all just impossible and going back to him, as I had in the past. They also had things like free legal advice clinics available.

Bear in mind that there's a good chance he'll turn on the charm and promise you he's going to change and say all the right things to try and reel you back in once you tell him it's over. Having someone from Women's Aid or your GP checking in regularly and supporting you will help you stay strong in your decision and keep you going in the right direction.

Thank you so much for this!
a really helpful checklist and also reassuring to know i’ve done a few of these

i’m in touch with WA and have someone I can message who calls me most weeks for a check in.
i’ve spoken to a solicitor through them but the last piece of advice (about needing to go through mediation despite DA) doesn’t seem to be accurate- i guess the solicitor just got muddled.

I have checked with UC and I would be entitled to a small monthly amount when I leave - so that’s all factored into the calculations of what i could afford.
I’m pretty sure I’m not entitled to legal aid but I had heard about the grant before and it’s something to look into

I have spoken to my GP but only over the phone so far so I know I need to get a face to face as apparently that’s needed for them to write the mediation exemption letter - so that is on the list for the week after next
The ‘social prescribing team’ sounds wonderful- I’ll check with my GP if they have anything similar because it does feel a bit insurmountable

I’m feeling ok, thank you.
my partner actually took our son out for his haircut for an hr or so this morning (one of the few ‘jobs’ he does) so I’ve managed to sort through the rest of the paperwork I need to take with me and make a (very small start) on a clear out - so that feels good. I’ve also sent a message to my local Citizens Advice about solicitors.

Here is my journal from today of what’s happened. No shouting or swearing, money stuff or comments on my appearance today - just little comments, but it feels unrelenting and it’s really hard to know if i’m making something out of nothing:

16/03 Sun

• son drops toy down the back of our bed. My hand doesn’t fit between the slats. I try and go under the bed and it’s full of storage boxes. I say to son i’m not sure I can get it. Partner ‘oh, don’t listen to her excuses, she’s just overly dramatic, she’ll get it’. I pull out all the storage boxes and my shoulders won’t fit under the bed, I say ‘i don’t fit’ Partner: ‘she’ll get it, she loves to moan’. I get a stick to pull the toy out and get it. Partner to son ‘And what can we learn from this, you’ve just got to tell her to get it’
• ‘Sugary biscuits again’ when son and i come up the stairs with a kiwi and a belvita cereal & milk biscuit for his pre-breakfast snack in bed while we have coffee
• Son and partner in living room while i start to make son lunch ‘this is depressing, sitting with the lights on because no one’s bothered to open the blinds and no one has decided what we’re doing’ (i’d opened the middle of 3 this morning). It’s like he honestly believes it’s my job to do everything and he couldn’t possibly open the blinds himself or decide on a plan for the day
• I give son some raspberry ice cream for pudding ‘look at that! That’s not natural, that doesn’t have any fruit in it, how much sugar is in that’ etc. etc. (he buys son a giant cake a couple of hours later)
• ‘Don’t let mummy clear off on her own’ when i leave the room to put a cup away
• ‘Mummy will take you out on you bike tomorrow’ said repeatedly. Will i?
• ‘Mummy will make you flapjacks’
• ‘Look at mummy, I’ve never seen someone so enthusiastic and happy, haha, doesn’t she look happy and bright’
• 6pm. Has just left the house (i think to do his own food shopping as he’s told me not to bother ordering his online as I ‘deliberately do it wrong’ - he refuses to tell me what he wants and i have to guess) without saying anything (he went to the local shop to buy beer)

Imagine how much happier it would be to live by yourself. Does he talk to other people like this?

It sounds like he's just constantly undermining you. That sort of stuff really wears you down and destroys your sense of self worth. It's insidious. You're definitely not making something out of nothing.

Great idea to keep a journal here for you to look back on. I still re-read my old Mumsnet threads sometimes when the trauma bond convinces me I miss him, and it's almost a year since I left. You definitely need those reminders in black and white to keep you focused because your brain will definitely start to fixate on the 'good times'.

Regarding the mediation, it's not advised to meditate when there's been abuse, but the mediator can consider it on a case by case basis, so it really depends how you feel about it. I decided to go ahead and try the mediation, purely because we don't have that much in assets between us and I was keen to avoid court fees. Women's Aid advised me against it, but the mediator did an assessment and put measures in place to ensure I feel safe and listened to in the sessions.

It's still on-going and he is still trying to be as financially controlling as possible, so I'm not sure how successful it will be, but if it saves us £££ in court fees it will have been worth enduring as far as I'm concerned. Only you know if you can cope with that.

He can be pretty awful with shop staff/waiters but, in general, no - it’s a choice, and only when no one else can hear