Hand hold for leaving emotionally/verbally and financially abusive relationship

[WingingItFTM]

Ok…so i’ve been reading Jessa85’s current post and getting so much inspiration and energy from it.

I’ve posted a couple of times before but on specific topics - not outlining the true extent of the relationship…so here goes!

Firstly, a bit of context on where I’m at currently. I first spoke to a domestic abuse charity in Aug 2023 after a particularly bad outburst from my partner (calling me a cunt in front of our child, telling our child he should find me - in the next room - before he does as he doesn’t know what he will do). This was the first time ‘abuse’ had really come into my head and I spent 2hrs on the phone speaking to an AMAZING woman who gave me so much guidance while I just sobbed down the phone.
Then I was just paralysed for 6 months. I think I was in shock. I just carried on.
Jan 2024 I started getting my act together. I started reading and listening to podcasts. I told my mum and my best friend some of the details and then around March I went about trying to get more help - my work EAP, citizens advice and finally Womens Aid who have been brilliant. They got me on a waiting list for a ‘pay what you can’ therapy charity and I started sessions in September and am now 6 months in. The difference in my mindset is INCREDIBLE. I was so unsure as to what was happening/if it was making it up/if it was ME - to being confident in calling it for what it is. My therapist says I physically speak louder, I sit upright, I’m more confident in what I say and how I say it.

I’m fully intending to say I want out of the relationship imminently but it’s not straightforward. We have a 4 yr old son who adores his dad and we have a mortgage on a very big house. Neither of us would be able to buy the other out and, given the value, it won’t be a quick property to sell.

When I speak to him I know he will not be expecting it and I fully expect him to be VERY angry (there has never been any physical violence), and I believe he will refuse to sell the house (mortgage in both names and tenants in common) so that will mean a court order is needed to force a sale - no idea if that will even be granted. We’re not married.

some context to the relationship;

• we met at work in 2012. We didn’t work together directly.
• He is significantly older than me. 15+ years
• I was in another relationship at the time (awful i know) and - through the therapy -I believe I felt that I deserved what was happening in this new relationship; that i’d made my bed
• a LOT of what I now know is lovebombing initially (NY, Italy, & UK holidays all within the first 3 months etc)
• We moved in together within 6 months and saw each other every day from day 1 of the relationship
• About 2yrs into the relationship he was asked to leave the business we both worked at due to bullying. I stood by him. Essentially this somewhat alienated from my work support network
• I had already been ostracised by my friendship group largely due to his behaviour over the previous 2 years
• Life continued, I didn’t really understand what was happening I thought it was all ‘normal’
• In 2015 we bought a house together and in 2020 had our son

There were always outbursts from around 6 months into the relationship but they were maybe 3 times a year. There was definitely some control and manipulation but I always made excuses for it.

I absolutely did everything in the relationship- all the cooking, all the weekly cleaning (he’d help if there were people coming over but not day to day), all the holiday and weekend planning. I just didn’t really realise I was doing it all.

Then we had our son and suddenly I couldn’t do it all anymore. I began to see the inequality and also the inequality in caring for our son which very much mostly fell to me.

He also lost his job during Covid and was unemployed for over 2 years (he had PIP insurance which paid out around 50% of his wage - otherwise we’d have been on the street). Funnily enough when that ended he found a job within one month (Dec 23) - but apparently that’s me being cynical!

Things really took a turn for the worse after that big outburst in Aug 23. Up and till then he would always do the silent treatment for a couple of days and I wouldn’t be able to take it and ask if we could just go back to normal and he would make me apologise for whatever it was he said I’d done wrong - but I just didn’t do this this time and things escalated pretty quick.

Now;

• he pretty much doesn’t talk to me at all
• he regularly calls me a cunt/fucker/twat
• regularly tells me how lazy I am when I’m run ragged working 4 days a week, looking after our son at literally all other times other than when he’s asleep, and trying to keep on top of the house (which I’m literally not able to)
• he constantly criticises how I parent, tells me that i’m moronic etc.
• he turns our son against me ‘mummy’s unkind’ etc.
• he criticises my appearance- I look like a ‘carthorse’, ‘a sack of potatoes’, an ‘old man’. I’m a dog etc.
• since he has been back working he has refused to contribute more than 50% to bills/mortgage despite earning around £1500 after tax more than me a month. All our joint savings have now gone and when i beg him to contribute more so I can do the food shopping he tells me to get out a personal loan
• I dread coming home and my heart stops whenever i get a text in case it’s from him

I could go on for days…

I think this is the longest message ever written! Not even sure if it will post!
But any support in taking the next step or advice would be SO welcome 🙏

I’m in a similar situation. The head scratching in the early days that he could be this way, and the attempts to ‘support him’ out of his moods and silences… “darling, when you feel one come on just let me know and I’ll leave you alone!”. The gradual realisation, the tentative admission that this is (whisper it) abusive, then feeling fraudulent because it’s not ‘that’ bad and he can sometimes be nice. And what if his criticisms of you are correct anyway?

Then the constant ‘managing’ of situations or his emotions, like you’re living in a computer game and the goal is to get to the end of the day rather than to enjoy it. The slow death of lighthearted joy or intimacy, and the struggle to remember the times when you were in a supportive relationship with someone who liked you. The guilt that you brought children into this situation, even though it was unbeknownst to you at the time, and the depressing realisation that all your energy has been directed towards this man, rather than towards you and your babies and motherhood. The isolation from friends because it’s just all consuming and confusing and you just need space to dive into it all but no one quite gets it because the things you complain about individually don’t seem that bad, even relatable to some (like the domestic chore fights, or the emotional immaturity), but no one knows it’s a pattern of behaviour that has ground you down so you don’t know what is normal anymore. And then when it does become ‘normal’ for a bit - maybe he makes an effort for a while or isn’t annoyed by ‘life’ as much - then you indulge in a tentative optimism of “maybe this time it’ll be different”, not realising that your new normal is now an absence of negativity rather than a positive environment.

I’m not sure if this relates to you, but I am sometimes thankful that I met mine later in life (40s), because I have memories of love and friendships to anchor myself to. And I think that helped my realisation come sooner. Had I met him when I was younger, without a full life of adventure behind me, then I’d have believed everything he said. I’d be broken. But still. Even though I don’t believe him, it’s stripped me of something that was ‘me’ and I’m not sure I’ll trust myself to make the right choice again.

I’m so sorry that you’re in this position. It’s so draining. If you want a fellow traveller to talk to then feel free to DM me. But if not then although I can’t offer practical advice right now (I’m in a similar position where I just don’t know my next steps) I offer you an absolutely huge hand hold and supportive vibes. These are incremental steps that we take. We’re only mid-chapter, yet to finish the story, but we know that something has to change, which is important.

What an insightful post. The computer game analogy is perfect.

It sounds like you have a complete understanding of what is happening already, and maybe you’ve already read it, but @Cryingatthegym recommended a book to me ‘is it even abuse?’ by Emma Rose Byham - i’m 50 pages in and it is incredibly validating

thank you @Cryingatthegym 🙏 - exactly what I needed

I'm glad it's helping you OP

This is me @Sunflowers67 you've put it so well. I'm really sad and can't ignore the 5-10%. But I feel stupid for potentially throwing everything away for that.

# Shouldhavedonesomethingbefore - I think that would probably be every person who has been in a similar situation to us. There were good times, fantastic times, times that we were happy with these partners - which is why we self-doubt now.
However, if you even have to question 'is this abuse' then it probably is. People in 'normal', loving, supportive, relationships don't go out and buy books about abuse, endlessly search 'Google' for answers, visit therapists or post on forums for help and advice.

Sending hugs your way ((()))

Make sure that you discuss how he speaks about & to you in fron of DS. Parental alienation is a crime. DS will need support when you leave. Also, 15+ years is not a “bit” older… it’s a LOT. With his bullying behaviour at work already documented, you have grounds to state that you were coerced into a relationship with him whilst vulnerable. He sounds predatory and cruel to me. Especially what you said about being nasty to shop staff, etc.

How are you doing OP?

Sorry for the radio silence
It’s been a busy week…I can’t remember who suggested speaking with a solicitor but they were BRILLIANT. I didn’t really know what to expect at all but they were so warm and supportive and really helpful and put me in touch with more contacts for next steps

His behaviour is worse if anything- which is helpful to be honest. He was berating me just yesterday about where this ‘empowered, spirited woman’ had come from and him not liking it. I don’t know how I didn’t see who he was for so long

@WingingItFTM

I'm so glad the solicitor was reassuring.

As far as where that 'empowered, spirited woman' came from, she was there all along. You just had to find her. And you certainly have!!!

"Don't just fly. SOAR!!!"

@WingingItFTM was this the solicitor recommended by WA? Glad it was such a useful meeting, now grey rock the ass of that (dickhead)stbx of yours, no need for extra aggro coming your way. Soar like an eagle while you watch that weasel below you - quietly get yourself sorted and then ……!

No it wasn’t through WA actually. Citizens Advice sent me through a list of which solicitors specialised in what and I selected from there.

thank you 🦅