Hand hold for leaving emotionally/verbally and financially abusive relationship

[WingingItFTM]

Ok…so i’ve been reading Jessa85’s current post and getting so much inspiration and energy from it.

I’ve posted a couple of times before but on specific topics - not outlining the true extent of the relationship…so here goes!

Firstly, a bit of context on where I’m at currently. I first spoke to a domestic abuse charity in Aug 2023 after a particularly bad outburst from my partner (calling me a cunt in front of our child, telling our child he should find me - in the next room - before he does as he doesn’t know what he will do). This was the first time ‘abuse’ had really come into my head and I spent 2hrs on the phone speaking to an AMAZING woman who gave me so much guidance while I just sobbed down the phone.
Then I was just paralysed for 6 months. I think I was in shock. I just carried on.
Jan 2024 I started getting my act together. I started reading and listening to podcasts. I told my mum and my best friend some of the details and then around March I went about trying to get more help - my work EAP, citizens advice and finally Womens Aid who have been brilliant. They got me on a waiting list for a ‘pay what you can’ therapy charity and I started sessions in September and am now 6 months in. The difference in my mindset is INCREDIBLE. I was so unsure as to what was happening/if it was making it up/if it was ME - to being confident in calling it for what it is. My therapist says I physically speak louder, I sit upright, I’m more confident in what I say and how I say it.

I’m fully intending to say I want out of the relationship imminently but it’s not straightforward. We have a 4 yr old son who adores his dad and we have a mortgage on a very big house. Neither of us would be able to buy the other out and, given the value, it won’t be a quick property to sell.

When I speak to him I know he will not be expecting it and I fully expect him to be VERY angry (there has never been any physical violence), and I believe he will refuse to sell the house (mortgage in both names and tenants in common) so that will mean a court order is needed to force a sale - no idea if that will even be granted. We’re not married.

some context to the relationship;

• we met at work in 2012. We didn’t work together directly.
• He is significantly older than me. 15+ years
• I was in another relationship at the time (awful i know) and - through the therapy -I believe I felt that I deserved what was happening in this new relationship; that i’d made my bed
• a LOT of what I now know is lovebombing initially (NY, Italy, & UK holidays all within the first 3 months etc)
• We moved in together within 6 months and saw each other every day from day 1 of the relationship
• About 2yrs into the relationship he was asked to leave the business we both worked at due to bullying. I stood by him. Essentially this somewhat alienated from my work support network
• I had already been ostracised by my friendship group largely due to his behaviour over the previous 2 years
• Life continued, I didn’t really understand what was happening I thought it was all ‘normal’
• In 2015 we bought a house together and in 2020 had our son

There were always outbursts from around 6 months into the relationship but they were maybe 3 times a year. There was definitely some control and manipulation but I always made excuses for it.

I absolutely did everything in the relationship- all the cooking, all the weekly cleaning (he’d help if there were people coming over but not day to day), all the holiday and weekend planning. I just didn’t really realise I was doing it all.

Then we had our son and suddenly I couldn’t do it all anymore. I began to see the inequality and also the inequality in caring for our son which very much mostly fell to me.

He also lost his job during Covid and was unemployed for over 2 years (he had PIP insurance which paid out around 50% of his wage - otherwise we’d have been on the street). Funnily enough when that ended he found a job within one month (Dec 23) - but apparently that’s me being cynical!

Things really took a turn for the worse after that big outburst in Aug 23. Up and till then he would always do the silent treatment for a couple of days and I wouldn’t be able to take it and ask if we could just go back to normal and he would make me apologise for whatever it was he said I’d done wrong - but I just didn’t do this this time and things escalated pretty quick.

Now;

• he pretty much doesn’t talk to me at all
• he regularly calls me a cunt/fucker/twat
• regularly tells me how lazy I am when I’m run ragged working 4 days a week, looking after our son at literally all other times other than when he’s asleep, and trying to keep on top of the house (which I’m literally not able to)
• he constantly criticises how I parent, tells me that i’m moronic etc.
• he turns our son against me ‘mummy’s unkind’ etc.
• he criticises my appearance- I look like a ‘carthorse’, ‘a sack of potatoes’, an ‘old man’. I’m a dog etc.
• since he has been back working he has refused to contribute more than 50% to bills/mortgage despite earning around £1500 after tax more than me a month. All our joint savings have now gone and when i beg him to contribute more so I can do the food shopping he tells me to get out a personal loan
• I dread coming home and my heart stops whenever i get a text in case it’s from him

I could go on for days…

I think this is the longest message ever written! Not even sure if it will post!
But any support in taking the next step or advice would be SO welcome 🙏

Thank you for this 💛

it’s really good to hear a real life view on mediation - i’ll keep an open mind.
I’m hoping that the threat of court fees would be enough to just make him sell the house - as we’re tenants in common and not married, it’s already defined in contract what, proportionally, we’d each get from the house sale

It is 100% abuse, and it's really positive that you've been able to see that, and relatively quickly.

But please get your son out of this situation as soon as you reasonably can. I've seen you said several times that he is turning your son against you (or this is your perception of the situation so I wanted to comment because I am (or was) your son and my mother didn't end the marriage until I was on the cusp of leaving home, so I endured another 15 or so years of what your son is currently experiencing.

Your son will know that daddy is unpredictable. He may well already know that the deal is that you have to agree with daddy including when he's being mean about mummy. I learned that one early and fast. You tell daddy what he wants you to tell him. Please don't blame your son for doing this. He's doing what he needs to do in order to be safe in an unsafe situation.

I would also be looking for a rental property now, with your mother's help. If she's someone you can lean on then do it. Don't be too proud. It's hard enough to get out of a relationship like this with help, never mind without it. And I wouldn't tell your partner until you're out. You've said he isn't violent, but it's known that behaviour escalates when women leave. It may not be safe to share a house with him once he knows.

Tell your GP you're being abused so there's a note of it on your medical records. Keep screen shots/records of anything you can. If there's a safe way to secretly film, do that. And I would put a passcode on your phone, not face unlock, because all you have to do is hold the phone over someone's face while they're asleep. It's not secure enough.

FWIW I wanted to add - when my parents split, he refused to move out, a totally predictable move in hindsight. The house was put up for sale and he deliberately trashed it so it wouldn't sell. Expect him to be unreasonable about everything, and know that you can cope with whatever he throws at you.

I believe you can do this. It's so much better once you're out. x.

Thank you, this is a really helpful perspective

i’m sorry you had such a difficult childhood x

I can see things in my son so I know you are right but sometimes it’s so hard to believe this is actually real and my life.
I think i’ve also felt that I’m projecting onto my son because it would make it easier for me to leave if it was for his sake and that therefore it wasn’t real - i don’t know if that’s even understandable as it makes no sense! 🙈

The trashing of the house is absolutely what I’m worried about and I just didn’t feel strong enough to deal with that for so long - but nothing is going to get better until I do it, so i’ll just have to deal with it

thank you again for your post, I really appreciate it

@WingingItFTM

After reading your journal entry, honestly, you and DS need to leave. That man is not only poisoning your son against you, he is teaching him how women should be treated. And please don't take this the wrong way, but by staying you are reinforcing his 'teachings'. I know you aren't doing this deliberately, that you've stayed for what you believe to be the right reasons. But sometimes we have to accept that our 'right reasons' are wrong.

As far as trashing the house, he's going to do that whether you are there or not. And that issue can be dealt with legally if you have to (as you suspect you will) force the sale. Part of the order can be that he must keep the house in ready order for viewings.

But really, trashing the house comes secondary to him 'trashing' your son's mind.

I'm not saying you have to pack a bag and leave tonight. But I do think you need to start (with legal advice) to move out as soon as you can.

You say you can't believe this is your and your son's life. But once you move out, it won't be any longer.

Thank you 🙏

I’m not taking your post the wrong way. Honestly, the feeling I have is actually relief - relief that what I am feeling is right.

I’m making real plans. We’re talking weeks not days, but weeks not months

x

Wow this sounds so much like me. My husband is such a narcissist I have 2 children prior to him and so does he then we have a 5yo together. I do everything for him and all kids including his with no appreciation. He would rather gamble any money he receives. He says vile things to me even saying I wish you would drop dead. We spent most of our time not speaking. He’s tried to isolate me from friends and family but I don’t allow it so instead have to listen to him slating everyone around me like he’s anything better. I feel stuck we share a council house with both of our names being on the tenancy and he just won’t leave

💛

There is some really good advice on this thread if you’re looking for a way out

i’d also recommend the podcast ‘navigating narcissism’ by Dr Ramani - it’s eye opening

look after yourself x

@WingingItFTM

I’m making real plans. We’re talking weeks not days, but weeks not months

Then you're doing perfectly!

I'm think Harry Potter's Apparitions instructor's advice applies here; "The important things to remember are the three D's. Destination, Determination, Deliberation!"

Just had a catch up on your posts as insomnia has hit again - sending positive thoughts your way.
The only way out is through - which is what I keep telling myself too.
I wish there was an easier way, I wish we didn't have to suffer more in order to get where we want to be and sometimes it just seems that the devil we know is better than this great unknown before us - but we know we have to do it and we can do it! x

Thanks hun feel free to message me at anytime xx

Wanted to give an update on my to do list;

• speak to my work about it. I believe they will be supportive, and request some time off - compassionate leave or I’d be perfectly happy to use holiday. I won’t be able to do that next week but hopefully could take some days off the following week ✅
• Today I’ve been looking into solicitors in my area that offer DA separation services and have found one local to me. Next week I will try and speak to the local Citizens Advice to see if they have any recommendations who to use or just progress with that one ✅
• Arrange the solicitor appointment for the week after. I’m pretty sure I don’t qualify for legal aid but I will check
• Potentially speak to an estate agent
• and the mortgage lender that week also.
• My partner works from the office 1 day a week so i would use that day to collect together any final bits of paperwork and make a start on decluttering the house in a non obvious way
• Face to face Drs appointment (following on from call appointment already done) as this is needed to write a letter of support

I feel SO much better now that i’ve spoken to my work. They were very understanding and supportive and I have time off next week to do the next bits.
From the list above i’ve made initial contact with a solicitor and my GP about appointments so hopefully I’ll be able to get those booked in quickly
Feeling positive 🙂

You're doing great! Slow and steady wins the race!

This sounds really positive OP. Sometimes just telling people and getting it in the open is so helpful.

Well done! Telling people that need to know is my stumbling block at the moment.
It means we are processing what has happened and starting to accept it for whatever it is. So glad that your place of work, which lets face it, we probably spend more time there than with our families, are being supportive and helpful.
It sounds like you are getting very practical too - which lets face it, is what we are good at. It can be a very useful distraction to organise things and get busy as I expect 101 things are on your mind that need to be sorted in readiness.
I have been going to bed at night with a great sense of achievement that I've sorted the car MOT or put the bins out 😁 - but its better than lying there worrying about our relationship or how I will cope once he has finally moved out.
I'm going to try and not focus on things I don't know right now - who says I will miss him or fall apart - I may just pick up and not even shed a tear!
Us women are strong - stronger than we give ourselves credit for sometimes.

I have that song in my head at the moment which may have to be my new ring tone when he's not around and cant hear it "thanks for making me stronger" - who was that????

Big pat on the back to you and a bigger hug too 😀

Thank you 🙏

(Christina Aguilera??)

Hi OP my first post, I’m a lurker. Have not yet reached a point where I could be very open.
But what you describe is so similar to me 2-3 years ago.
I also had a gradual step by step plan to gain strength, gather evidence, assemble support.
The big turning point was when one of my children told a teacher about Dads anger outbursts and the teacher reported it to social services. They were fantastic. Of course I was embarrassed and upset but it was Life saving. Came in and persuaded him he had to leave. It took almost a year but I could pick up the phone to them each time there was an incident.
I’m grateful to them every day. I don’t know if there’s a way you can self report or if a teacher or your doctor would do it for you.
Just a suggestion that might help with the practicalities.

That's the one!
When I was divorcing my ex husband 25+ years ago (he was the cheat/drunk/man child one 😁) - my tune of choice was Gloria Estefan "Go Away".
I might have to contact Simon Cowell about producing a CD of 'survival' songs, except I would probably need to meet a few more idiots to produce a decent playlist 😏😱🤔

You're doing brilliantly OP. Telling people and getting it out in the open is SO important.

I felt so much shame for my 'failed' marriage for such a long time, and this made me put pressure on myself to hide what was happening and to give him chance after chance to 'save' the marriage and to give the impression to the outside world that everything was great. It was such a trap. Getting it out in the open, especially to work, was scary at first but so freeing. It also opened up so many avenues of support.

So well done. Keep quietly working away at that checklist, we're all still here cheering you on

I hope you can get you and your child free of him . So important to give your child an environment that’s free of this toxic man now before school. He might love his dad but he’s also scared of him.

Flowers — Miles Cyrus??

Miley Cyrus

This was me 6 years ago. I moved my children and I out after he refused to. Cost a lot of money to rent another place and still pay half of the mortgage. However by borrowing a lot of money with loans to pay legal bills I did it. Cost me £60k (!!) in legal fees as I had to keep taking it back to court as my ex was extremely difficult and refused to sign / do anything even when I had a court order . He had to pay me some of this back and my debts reduced the overall assets to split. Don’t regret leaving at all. Still cannot believe I escaped and have my own house. I would definitely go to the police I regret not logging things with them before I moved out. I regret not making HIM move out but he was very difficult and I had no choice as no evidence of his behaviour. My GP was excellent when I told her and arranged a domestic abuse liaison person. I regret not telling social services as someone else said up thread maybe they help persuade him to move out. Good luck.

Thank you 🙏

i’m so pleased you and your children got out x

I fantasise about sending my partner a playlist once it’s all over (I wouldn’t actually do it for a number of reasons including my son) but…

on mine would be;

• Cry, Benson Boone
• Vampire, Olivia Rodrigo
• Flowers, Miley Cyrus
• We are never, ever getting bag together, Taylor Swift 🤣

So sorry you went through this 🌷
your mumsnet name says it all 💗💗💗congratulations on getting there x