Boyfriend has dumped me 10 days after dad passing away

[BoldViper]

Hiya I need some advice
My father passed away 12days ago, I've been struggling emotionally and the man that claimed loved me has today decided to end the relationship, it was early days only 6 months in but apparently it was too much for him and causing him stress.
I do feel a little resentful that he's done this while I'm trying to navigate my way through.
Am I selfish? Should I be more understanding?
Please be honest. My emotions have been up and down I know i ain't been perfect but I am trying

This was an opportunity for him to step up and show that he is a man, by supporting you. He did not take it.

There are people who instinctively step up and are supportive for their friends or lover(s), and then there are people who do not. He has just shown you which sort he is: a "fair weather" lover who is amazing to be with so long as everything is fun and light, but who heads for the hills at the slightest hint of having to do a bit work.

While it is very tough for you to have this happening right after the death of your father , on the positive side it is much better to learn this about a potential life partner early on, rather than wasting years at their side only to find this out later.

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. You’re well rid of this man, who couldn’t be there for you in your time of need.

Oh gosh I'd assumed you were both very young still and this was perhaps his first experience of someone experiencing the loss of a close family member. That's very unlikely to be the case for any of us in our 40s, sadly.
Much easier said than done, but I'd say don't reply. It feels like he's messaged to reinforce the message that he's not a shit, more than from a place of genuine concern for how you're doing. He's even shit sandwiched it - hope you're ok, I'M NOT HORRIBLE, hope you're ok. There was really no need for him to mention his twattery at all if he really cared about how you were.
Ignore the distraction he's trying to create and focus on what's important which is you and your friend and presumably a hell of a lot of death admin like funeral planning.
Hugs.

How cruel. I’m so sorry for your loss 💐 he’s an asshole but it’s a blessing in disguise for the future 💜

No words of wisdom, but I am so sorry for your loss.
What a terrible time for you xx

I know everyone is right but I still love him, still love my dad too but nowhere for either love to go. Just wish my dad was here to navigate me just a little.

I’m so sorry for your loss, I’ve been there. I know you feel numb right now and feel like you’re pining for your boyfriend as well as your Dad but I promise you, you WILL look back on this and think WTAF 🙀 Why oh why did I ever even look at him when he was that sort of selfish git all along. Focus on you and your family

Hello op.

I’m sorry to hear about your loss of your dad. And I have a very similar tale - so allow me to impart some wisdom.

I lost my dad nearly a year ago. At the time I was dating someone who had lost his dad some months prior; it was something we bonded over. Long story short, he behaved selfishly in the weeks after my dad passed and I distanced myself - only to receive a break up text two days before my dad’s funeral! As other posters have alluded to, it was grief on top of grief. I was very angry for many months and kept replaying how much I hated him. That’s until I saw him recently and felt nothing but…mild irritation. I even felt rather sorry for him being such a substandard person that he felt it necessary to treat me that way.

You wish nice things for this man because you’re a nice person, but I promise you he doesn’t deserve your ‘whataboutery’ and if he could do this to you during one of the worst times in your life, imagine him during sickness, childbirth etc. He’s revealed his true colours - your job is to now grieve your dad and leave this spineless man in the dust. He doesn’t deserve a moment more of your time or wondering what you did/didn’t do. It wouldn’t have changed a thing because this is who he is.

No, of course you weren't wrong. He is obviously extremely shallow and lacking empathy and, although it doesn't seem like it now, you are better off without him.

OP, please don't learn the wrong lesson from this painful time. Don't be me.

The same thing happened to me, many years ago. I still remember the absolute shock, first of my lovely dad's sudden death, and then a few days later being dumped by my boyfriend. Feeling as if I had been hollowed out inside. Feeling as if nothing was safe, as if I didn't understand anything, and the world could turn upside down and throw me off at any moment. A truly horrible time, when I was young and hadn't been away from home long.

Unfortunately, I made a lot of mistakes (I think this happens very easily when you're bereaved). The ex came back a couple of weeks later and managed to convince me I'd got everything wrong and he hadn't dumped me. I'd never heard of gaslighting, and thought maybe I had misunderstood, so I took him back. I was very careful not to show a lot of grief. I thought I didn't have the right to involve anyone else in my sadness.

Meanwhile, he was quietly looking around for someone else. A few months later, when he'd got a new relationship well under way, he dumped me again.

The second time, I was even more devastated. I thought I'd failed to control my feelings enough, and become a needy, unloveable burden. Worse, I was hit with all the guilt and shame of having prioritised the ex over my family and minimised the loss of my dad.

After that, I made many mistakes in relationships. I was convinced that I must, basically, never express my needs or try to change a partner's mind. Looking back, I became a doormat with some men, and let others drift away because I couldn't fight for our relationship.

OP, please don't let this weak and selfish man crush you. You did nothing wrong. Don't believe you have to hide your natural grief. I hope you have friends or relatives who will hold your hand while you work through the worst of it, and encourage you on when your spirits start to rise again.

I was lucky and have now been happily married to a good man for many years. But the loss of self-confidence caused by one feckless boyfriend when I was vulnerable caused very long-lasting damage. I hope you have the happy future you deserve, OP and everyone else who has been through this.

Thankyou for your concern. you were a twat and your message was to clear your own conscience. Please don’t contact me again.

I suspect your dad’s death and your reaction was the catalyst rather than the reason.

Either way, he clearly doesn’t care enough to support you, so you’re better off without him. You’ll come to be glad you found out early in the relationship so you don’t waste more time with him at your age.

Try just not replying today and doing something lovely for yourself as a bit of a distraction? Go for a walk, do some gardening, watch a cosy film - just something nice to give your brain a little bit of respite.

I want to but I can't settle doing anything. The whole situation is consuming my entire being. And the question is who leaves me next

Ah sweetheart, it's so hard when the grief is so new. No-one else is leaving you and I'm so sorry that your ex's actions are making you think that.
Do you have good mates around you? The type you can snotty cry in front of and who can give you a big hug?

I think what you need to remind yourself is that even if you do reply, sadly the situation won’t change. It was kind of him to check in but it seems more that he was checking in to ease his own conscience rather than genuinely wanting to see if you’re okay.

It’s entirely up to you if you reply or not, but I worry you’ll reply and then spend the rest of the day checking to see if he’s read or replied yet and it’s just not worth it.

I decided to reply to his "are you okay"message
"I think it's pretty obvious I'm not ok but if that message clears your conscience than that's fine.
You don't want me to think your a twat or horrible. That's an understatement of how what I think. You have left me more scared emotionally than any man ever has."
Is this too much? I dont want to come across nasty, but I do want to be honest

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad…. As painful as the relationship ending is for you now, I promise you a year from now you will thank your lucky stars you dodged a bullet…thinking of you and sending you peace and acceptance in the weeks and months ahead x

Unfortunately not. I suffer from anxiety and only have 2 really close friends. One has been very distant and the other is busy but she is coming with me to the funeral

Yes, it’s too much. Keep your dignity and don’t reply at all. Focus on you.

I wouldn’t say the last sentence. You could add, ‘this was supposed to be my space to grieve for my dad, you selfish (insert swear word)’.

That's lovely that your friend will be there for you. I felt very privileged to be able to support a friend her mum's funeral recently.
Remember you've got everyone here too. Everyone on this thread is supporting you.

"I think it's pretty obvious I'm not ok but if that message clears your conscience then whatever."

Is all I'd send if you're going to send it. That way you're not letting him off the hook, but you're also not giving him much to respond to or argue with.

I think my reply would be to tell him to fuck right off and don't contact me again. Don't show him your vulnerability, he doesn't deserve it. Block him for your own peace of mind.

First half of your text is fine, the second is not and will confirm to him that he did the right thing in getting away.