I broke up with my ex of many years 3 months ago. Logically I know the answer is yes, but what I'm struggling to comprehend is the severity of it and keep downplaying it to myself. Here are some instances:
I was lying on his bedroom floor crying and he became more concerned with his parents hearing it and was fed up with me being upset and not telling him why, and even though I told him not to touch me he grabbed me and picked me up aggressively and put me onto the bed to try and make me calm down.
When my depression was bad he'd tell me my moping around was making him miserable. One time he said me wanting to end my life made him want to end his too. Another time he said that me being suicidal was me saying I wanted to leave him.
Sometimes when I expressed a desire to self harm he would threaten to take away things like days out to make me not do it.
He told me that he was worried me being so shy (I'm neurodiverse) would cause his friends and family to dislike me.
He once said that he doesn't know if he should stick around in this relationship if I just end up killing myself.
One time we had an argument late at night and he said he was fed up with me acting how I was (miserable due to being in chronic discomfort/pain) and made me feel guilty for crying, but wouldn't let me go downstairs so he could sleep. Instead he lay in bed listening to music to block out the sound of my crying
Another time I was keeping him awake by crying, he kicked and pushed me in bed and grabbed me and shouted at me to just stop.
He had a go at me to 'find a solution' for being shy around his family, and got mad when I said there may not be one because I'm autistic and can't help it, then we had a huge argument which lasted two days and he told me that I was making it all about myself instead of how he feels by having to think of reasons to his friends & family why I'm shy (I refused to let him tell them I was autistic at the time)
When I was crying late at night he said if I kept him up by crying and he had to drive home on only 4 hours sleep he'd be very pissed off with me, but then went on his phone and did not respond to me when I told him why I was crying
One time when I was overwhelmed and had been scratching to self harm, then tried to stop myself by holding onto the bed to give my hands something to do, and he got angry with me for keeping him awake. He didn't comfort me when I cried, then when I tried to seek comfort from him by snuggling up to him he kept pushing my head away
When WFH, during a work call I had an anxiety attack and was crying on the floor as I got so worked up about my part during a weekly meeting. He shouted at me how I should just quit if I can’t handle the job and get a lower paying less stressful job. I felt even worse so I crawled into the spare room so he couldn’t see me crying anymore as I didn’t want to make him more pissed off with me
When we were struggling to put a piece of furniture together, whilst I had covid, he got annoyed with me. He called me useless, but wouldn’t let me help, then told me I should at least do something useful. He said things like: "Get out of the way, Shut the fuck up, Whatever princess wants, Do something useful for once, Useless, You’re not helping"
I think everything has become so normalised to me that I struggle to see my own situation, so I'd really appreciate some outsider's opinions on what I've described. Thanks in advance