Was this emotional abuse?

[LucyLou96]

I broke up with my ex of many years 3 months ago. Logically I know the answer is yes, but what I'm struggling to comprehend is the severity of it and keep downplaying it to myself. Here are some instances:

I was lying on his bedroom floor crying and he became more concerned with his parents hearing it and was fed up with me being upset and not telling him why, and even though I told him not to touch me he grabbed me and picked me up aggressively and put me onto the bed to try and make me calm down.

When my depression was bad he'd tell me my moping around was making him miserable. One time he said me wanting to end my life made him want to end his too. Another time he said that me being suicidal was me saying I wanted to leave him.

Sometimes when I expressed a desire to self harm he would threaten to take away things like days out to make me not do it.

He told me that he was worried me being so shy (I'm neurodiverse) would cause his friends and family to dislike me.

He once said that he doesn't know if he should stick around in this relationship if I just end up killing myself.

One time we had an argument late at night and he said he was fed up with me acting how I was (miserable due to being in chronic discomfort/pain) and made me feel guilty for crying, but wouldn't let me go downstairs so he could sleep. Instead he lay in bed listening to music to block out the sound of my crying

Another time I was keeping him awake by crying, he kicked and pushed me in bed and grabbed me and shouted at me to just stop.

He had a go at me to 'find a solution' for being shy around his family, and got mad when I said there may not be one because I'm autistic and can't help it, then we had a huge argument which lasted two days and he told me that I was making it all about myself instead of how he feels by having to think of reasons to his friends & family why I'm shy (I refused to let him tell them I was autistic at the time)

When I was crying late at night he said if I kept him up by crying and he had to drive home on only 4 hours sleep he'd be very pissed off with me, but then went on his phone and did not respond to me when I told him why I was crying

One time when I was overwhelmed and had been scratching to self harm, then tried to stop myself by holding onto the bed to give my hands something to do, and he got angry with me for keeping him awake. He didn't comfort me when I cried, then when I tried to seek comfort from him by snuggling up to him he kept pushing my head away

When WFH, during a work call I had an anxiety attack and was crying on the floor as I got so worked up about my part during a weekly meeting. He shouted at me how I should just quit if I can’t handle the job and get a lower paying less stressful job. I felt even worse so I crawled into the spare room so he couldn’t see me crying anymore as I didn’t want to make him more pissed off with me

When we were struggling to put a piece of furniture together, whilst I had covid, he got annoyed with me. He called me useless, but wouldn’t let me help, then told me I should at least do something useful. He said things like: "Get out of the way, Shut the fuck up, Whatever princess wants, Do something useful for once, Useless, You’re not helping"

I think everything has become so normalised to me that I struggle to see my own situation, so I'd really appreciate some outsider's opinions on what I've described. Thanks in advance

Sexual coercion and physical stuff isn't acceptable. Some of the other behaviours mentioned is less clear and possibly more like being unable to manage well/ understand. Either way it was not a suitable relationship for you.

Moving forwards, I would reflect upon this 'I'm literally autistic and couldn't help my behaviour'. I'm talking away from your ex as I am not getting into which of his behaviour was a consequence of yours as I don't know. I'd have a think about what you can do to feel you have more control in future. Therapy with a ND specialist?

I never at any point did that. I agree that sentiment is manipulative, but that is not how I spoke to him.

What I wanted him to do was tell me it'd be okay. What ended up happening was him twisting things and arguing with me, getting angry that I felt suicidal even though we'd had a fun day out. Getting annoyed at me for keeping him awake by crying yet refusing to let me go downstairs because he didn't want his parents to hear. Kicking me and pushing me to 'just stop' crying.

Quite frankly, having numerous, loud crying fits, threatening self harm and suicide all sound at least highly manipulative if not outright abusive.

Id concentrate on getting better yourself rather than naval gazing about your ex

What I meant that I was unable to help was making small talk. I have since gained considerable confidence and am better in that regard, but at the time when asking questions out of the blue in an otherwise silent living room felt practically painful to me, it upset me when my ex would then go upstairs and critique my 'performance' of how I acted. He'd do this after parties or when I met his friends.

He told me he thought his BFF hated me simply because I tensed when he unexpectedly hugged me goodbye. He told me his other friend probably thought I hated being at her party because he noticed her glancing at me because I stared into space a couple of times. He did nothing to learn about autism and put down my ideas of practicing conversations and giving me detailed answers of things to ask his friends.

So it's abusive to loudly cry? It's abusive to tell someone I feel so unwell that I want to self harm?

I literally would try and hide how I felt because telling him I felt that way made him angry.

I'm concentrating on his behaviour because he then went on to become physically abusive with me and sexually coerced me.

I’d say it’s pretty harmful to repeatedly cry loudly in the way you’ve described. Sometimes I need a good cry. I take myself off to the loo so that I don’t upset other people. I’ll then find my husband and ask him for what I need ‘please can I have a hug/cup of tea/reassure me it’s going to be ok’

Maybe start to work on healthier ways for you to communicate your needs.

im sure your relationship was toxic on both sides by the way, but im also thinking you might end up repeating patterns if you aren’t careful

He wouldn't let me leave the room. I wasn't loudly crying, I too didn't want his parents to hear, what he'd get annoyed with was the bed shaking slightly from my silent sobs or my occasional sniffle. The only time I was louder was that time I was crying on his floor and even then, it was not genuinely loud.

I understand the need to work on better communication, I am a lot better than I was and have been in therapy for 6 months

It was an old creaky metal framed bed and made a noise with every single movement.

How do you imagine he would describe your relationship?

This is a man who cheated on me online for years, gaslight me, sexually coerced me, and became physically abusive by throwing and breaking objects and manhandling me. I can't even imagine how he would legitimately describe our relationship because how can you say you love someone when you sext other girls regularly, when you make your girlfriend cry because she's scared you'll hit her, and when you pressure her into sexual activities that make her uncomfortable.

To this day I struggle trying to imagine how he perceived our relationship.

OP doesn't get the intial sympathy she hoped for and now drip feeds he coerced and assaulted her.
OP you were manipulative and gaslit him, what he has or hasn't done is in the past, keep working on yourself, what's the point of going over it all.

Also I'm literally autistic and couldn't help my behaviour
that's incredibly insulting to autistic people, that you're unable to control any of your behaviour, I'm
embarrassed for you that you think any of your 'behaviour' is excusable "cos I'm autistic"

Is there a reason you didn't mention any of that behaviour in your OP?

OP- you received very good and emphatic responses here but you are not listening or not able to listen at this stage. You are seeking validation about third party behaviour but not prepared to look at your behaviour in this unhealthy relationship.

You need professional help and I don't think these exchanges on Mumsnet are helping you and your mental health. I suggest you move on and take care of yourself.

The whole relationship sounds toxic and awful and with fault on both sides.

Being in a relationship when you have so much work to do on yourself doesn’t lead anywhere positive.

You need to work on yourself and be happy alone before you can even think about entering back into a relationship.

How did I possibly gaslight him?

I meant as in I could not control how shy I felt in social situations. I could not control how painful it felt for me to force myself to make small talk.

Because my original post was wanting clarification on the beginnings of our relationship to see if I missed red flags before any of the other worse incidents happened.

@LucyLou96 the relationship sounds incredibly toxic and living with his parents just exacerbated the problems.

It’s a very good thing you split up. It’s best to focus on yourself now and developing strategies to improve your own MH & happiness rather than focusing on bad stuff from the past.

He behaved badly but it sounds like you were both overwhelmed at the time by how toxic your relationship had become.

OP, it sounds as if you both gave each other a hard time so I hesitate to label him as abusive. The relationship certainly sounds toxic and it’s good that you’re not together any more . Please get some therapy before you start another relationship. It would help you work out whether you were the victim of a controlling man or whether you were kind of driving each other a bit crazy- theres a difference.

I get the impression you are looking for confirmation that this was abusive behaviour rather than genuinely looking for opinions. Sorry you went through a difficult time OP, but this sounds enormously difficult for another person to deal with. I hope you’re in a better place now.

I have been in therapy for 6 months and shown her old texts between me and my ex and described incidents which occurred. She's confirmed he was highly emotionally abusive and has narcissistic traits.

Well I would suggest that’s not a therapist with morals because they generally don’t want to delve into texts as they are private.
A good therapist would never diagnose another person’s traits or behaviours.
Therapy is about getting you to a better place personally.