Was this emotional abuse?

[LucyLou96]

I broke up with my ex of many years 3 months ago. Logically I know the answer is yes, but what I'm struggling to comprehend is the severity of it and keep downplaying it to myself. Here are some instances:

I was lying on his bedroom floor crying and he became more concerned with his parents hearing it and was fed up with me being upset and not telling him why, and even though I told him not to touch me he grabbed me and picked me up aggressively and put me onto the bed to try and make me calm down.

When my depression was bad he'd tell me my moping around was making him miserable. One time he said me wanting to end my life made him want to end his too. Another time he said that me being suicidal was me saying I wanted to leave him.

Sometimes when I expressed a desire to self harm he would threaten to take away things like days out to make me not do it.

He told me that he was worried me being so shy (I'm neurodiverse) would cause his friends and family to dislike me.

He once said that he doesn't know if he should stick around in this relationship if I just end up killing myself.

One time we had an argument late at night and he said he was fed up with me acting how I was (miserable due to being in chronic discomfort/pain) and made me feel guilty for crying, but wouldn't let me go downstairs so he could sleep. Instead he lay in bed listening to music to block out the sound of my crying

Another time I was keeping him awake by crying, he kicked and pushed me in bed and grabbed me and shouted at me to just stop.

He had a go at me to 'find a solution' for being shy around his family, and got mad when I said there may not be one because I'm autistic and can't help it, then we had a huge argument which lasted two days and he told me that I was making it all about myself instead of how he feels by having to think of reasons to his friends & family why I'm shy (I refused to let him tell them I was autistic at the time)

When I was crying late at night he said if I kept him up by crying and he had to drive home on only 4 hours sleep he'd be very pissed off with me, but then went on his phone and did not respond to me when I told him why I was crying

One time when I was overwhelmed and had been scratching to self harm, then tried to stop myself by holding onto the bed to give my hands something to do, and he got angry with me for keeping him awake. He didn't comfort me when I cried, then when I tried to seek comfort from him by snuggling up to him he kept pushing my head away

When WFH, during a work call I had an anxiety attack and was crying on the floor as I got so worked up about my part during a weekly meeting. He shouted at me how I should just quit if I can’t handle the job and get a lower paying less stressful job. I felt even worse so I crawled into the spare room so he couldn’t see me crying anymore as I didn’t want to make him more pissed off with me

When we were struggling to put a piece of furniture together, whilst I had covid, he got annoyed with me. He called me useless, but wouldn’t let me help, then told me I should at least do something useful. He said things like: "Get out of the way, Shut the fuck up, Whatever princess wants, Do something useful for once, Useless, You’re not helping"

I think everything has become so normalised to me that I struggle to see my own situation, so I'd really appreciate some outsider's opinions on what I've described. Thanks in advance

Yes he sounds emotionally and physically abusive. I don't know why people are blaming you for his behaviour.

Obviously you're own MH issues would have caused pressure on him but even so, his reactions were self centred.

Why was he so bothered about you being shy, he didn't need to explain it to anyone.
Some people are shy, some are attention seekers, some are chatty, we're all different.

My DD is autistic and struggles with overwhelm.
Work on building your sense of self worth and regulating your emotions.

Reflect on possible red flags that you missed or ignored so you know to avoid a toxic relationship in the future.

OP I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and yes, he was abusive.

There are myriad ways to behave when someone is being emotional and kicking them, and throwing things should not be one of them.

I hope you're feeling better and not so overwhelmed. You might find DBT helpful in order to emotionally regulate and would benefit from the Freedom Programme so you can learn about healthy relationships.

Sorry op, I've just seen update about him kicking you and throwing things etc. That absolutely is abuse and is unacceptable, your actions are not to blame for that behaviour at all.

You both were abusive. Threatening suicide and self harm is abusive- him saying he will cancel a day out to stop you is not abuse, it's desperation to make you stop.
The physical violence toward you is inexcusable.
I do think failing to realise your own actions were manipulative isn't healthy in the long run, and I agree being single and working on yourself is paramount.
Threats of self harm and suicide are often a cry for help. Working with a therapist would be really beneficial for you, I wish you the absolute best

I'm sorry but I couldn't read all that. It doesn't matter what it was. You need to end it, go no contact and get help for all your difficulties. Don't go back to him.

I think people hear mental health issues and they instantly try and find a way this is your fault. It's an odd mentality.

You know he treated you badly, which is why you're asking for confirmation. I'm sorry people have been harsh, but no he shouldn't have behaved like that, irrespective of what mental health crisis you were experiencing. I'm sure he didn't help ameliorate the situation by behaving like a twat.

I wouldn't put too much stock in what people say on here. It's a complex situation. It'll be hard for some not to nitpick.

I hope you're doing better with the self harm x

Try and separate your own mental health issues from his.
When you have MH issues another person can act badly in response as you act as a mirror - they get angry because you reflect how they often feel. They then act out to cover up their own behaviours.
Him - he couldn’t handle your MH issues at all, and was clearly ashamed of them in terms of what his family thought. However, whilst some of his responses could be put down to freezing, frustration or simply not knowing what to do, a lot of his responses were abusive. Physical violence and sexual coercion are not responses. They are criminal acts of abuse.
You - you clearly have some MH issues you need help with and these, alongside some of your experiences with this young man, are things you need support with. I am not medically qualified, you sound like you’ve experienced trauma and would really benefit from a therapy called EMDR if a therapist thought it was appropriate.
I am recommending it also because it changed my life. My MH issues were/are different to yours, but it really helped me process my past experiences and current emotions.
You deserve to be happy. You also need to do some work on yourself and take responsibility for yourself, too. This doesn’t mean changing who you are as a person, of course it doesn’t, but in order to live in the world in more comfort, with some effort and support you could really improve your quality of life.
Having been a huge ruminator in the past, I’ve now realised it’s really damaging. It never helped me process anything. It’s better to do things to get out of your headspace and where possible be around others.
Take a break from dating. If you are vulnerable, it tends to alert the nearest idiots that you are single.
You can have a positive future and share it with someone when the time is right.

The statement 'otherwise you may make an otherwise reasonable person show all the red flags too'

Thank you, I don't understand why I am being blamed so much either.

He was bothered about my shyness as he worried people would think he was abusing me as I seemed too scared to talk at family parties. He was more focused on how it made him look rather than how anxious I felt at these events

How is threatening suicide abusive or manipulative? If someone feels that way should they not tell those closest around them?

No, they talk to professionals. They call helplines. They go to crisis at the hospital. Not put the burden on their boyfriend.

It's very manipulative and abusive.

I'm autistic as well and when I was first with my exH (met when we were 18) I was an absolute pain in the arse. But then gradually he started being abusive and I've always thought he should have just left if he hated me so much.

If that is your attitude then I hope if you have a loved one who ever experiences that feeling, they never feel too afraid to talk to you for support.

No, I don't think that. I find it strange that you've inferred that.

It's obviously not ok to drag your girlfriend around. Not for any reason.

I would not have tolerated your behaviour regardless of the cause. The fact he did makes me wonder if he was vulnerable in some way as well.

Once we lived together, this man would throw objects, scream at me, break objects, give me the silent treatment, dragged me towards him, gaslight me multiple times to hide his online cheating and sexually coerced me.

I've been in the position. I'm also autistic. I hadn't been diagnosed then. It's selfish to put it on people who aren't qualified to deal with it. Putting it on your boyfriend the way you did is abusive. Especially as you know you are autistic.

What exactly about my behaviour was abusive?

You've been told multiple times @LucyLou96

You are the person responsible for getting the help and support to fix your mental health problems.
You can call your GP or other services, look for support groups in your local area.
Only when you are in a better place should you even think about getting into a relationship.
In a relationship you need to start in the best place possible.

I do not understand how it is abusive to tell a partner you feel suicidal.

It's not.

I do not understand how it is abusive to tell a partner you feel suicidal.

It is not necessarily abusive to tell someone you feel that way. Making someone feel responsible for it, or expecting them to fix it is. It’s a lot to put on someone who is not a professional and is not equipped to deal with it.

I’ve just had to end a long term friendship with someone who threatens to unalive themselves and self harm. This person thought it was ok to constantly dump it on me and treat me like a free counsellor. There’s been social consequences for cutting them off but I’m not a professional and it was affecting my own mh.

What did you want your partner to do when you were acting that way? What would you have done if he had been doing that to you?