Fling partner cheated on wife, now back on date app

[sofiaparker]

Last year had a fling with this guy. Only recently found out online that he is married with a kid. So he had cheated with me, and on his wife without both of our knowledge. I coincidentally swiped on him again on the dating app which I'm using as a single woman. So he is back to his cheating game seems. And this time he has put looking for 'a life partner' and a 'long term relationship'. I have his wife's insta ID. Matched with him again. This time would like to gather some evidence. Any ideas would be appreciated. Initial thought was to leave it but I have decided against this as this will only lead to him playing emotionally with other women and continually cheating on his wife without her even knowing. Side note- he performs and receives unprotected oral. Although I'm not in any trusting or committed relation right now, but if that happened to me without me even knowing then I'd be super pissed. Side note number 2, the first time he cheated with me, his wife was pregnant.

You can tell his W, if you must. But i don't think it'll change who he is. And - it'll be a word of some random Insta person against his....
This woman has a tiny baby. Not sure this information is what she really needs.
Men who want to cheat, will cheat.

Noted. Thank you.

When my OH was cheating I would have absolutely wanted someone else to tell me.
I actually was more upset that I gave years whilst not knowing, it's like you were not given theinformation to have your own decision.... but, if it comes from the woman he was fucking I would have been furious, I would have felt humiliated. It's hard to call, I would want to know.

He is risking her health by possibly giving her an STD. She has a right to know what is going on in her own life. Tell her your story and send her the link to his dating profile.

Thanks. Dating profile is photoshopped pics of him. Can barely tell. Apart from a back pose which hides his face. But his wife would know as it's from their holiday.

Please inform her with evidence, @sofiaparker. This morally bankrupt cheat is stealing her agency, choices, and sexual consent. He is risking her health and has risked his baby’s health.

Bring her out of the dark and give her the opportunity to make informed decisions about her own life.

there was a guy i used to see on the dating apps in my area, and a woman made a new profile with his photos, but also some photos she found of him with his wife and child to tell people on the app what he was up to at least. you could do that for the app side of it 🙂

I don't think you need to honey-trap the guy. You're not in a movie or soap opera.

Just send the wife a link to his active profile if you're going to tell her.

Just remember that you don’t know this woman’s situation. She has a new baby, will be incredibly vulnerable mentally, emotionally and very likely financially. Even knowing this information she might not be able to do anything about her situation.
He’s done this to her and that’s on him, you aren’t responsible for his actions, but you are responsible for yours so I would tread very carefully if you insist on taking this vigilante approach. If you insist on going there I think don’t send her any information, just a message saying you have evidence that he has cheated and is cheating again and if she wants to see this to reach out. Put something in there to make sure there is no doubt this isn’t spam, like some personal information about him that only someone who knows him to some degree would know. This gives her the choice of wanting to know or turning a blind eye.
Please don’t listen to all the “I would have wanted to know’s”. Maybe some would but plenty more do not want to know and everyone and every situation is different.
I’ve been in the situation myself where my very good friend’s fiancé of more than ten years propositioned me. For years she was a “I would want to know” type, until I told her with text message evidence. She stayed with him and I lost a friend. It happens a lot more than people think.

The "I would like to know" are mostly same people who say - cheating is a deal breaker, until they come to MN to post - "I always thought I'd leave but now it happened to me, I can't"...
In my experience - women who are told suffer and mostly stay. Certainly if there is a little baby involved. And most wished they did NOT know.
And I have seen friendships break down when women were told by friends...

But I have a feeling you really want to do it regardless of how she may feel.

The OP is not the wife's friend, so she isn't worried about losing a friend. It's true that the wife might not want to know, but one should still do what is ethical, and what is ethical is informing her of a threat against her.

It's the right thing to do regardless of whether the wife chooses to stay or not. Whatever she decides, it will be an informed choice rather than one based on lies. She should have the option not to waste what could potentially be the rest of her life living a lie and having her health threatened.
Ask people who got carcinogenic HPV or HIV from a cheater if it is preferable to not know. Not knowing can quite literally kill you.

Woah
The woman needs to know, she is risking her health and has risked her pregnancy with this scumbag.
we need to stop being so blasé about men who do this and risk women’s health , that could be forever

You’re right. OP DOESN’T know this woman, and she doesn’t know her mental state either.
If the woman does something extreme like taking her own life will OP take responsibility for her part in the circumstances that led to that?
And you say “informed” what does that matter if she’s in absolutely no position to safely leave him? So she can continue to exist with him whilst being mentally and emotionally battered even further.
These things will out, but that’s not on OP. As I say if she feels she really must give the woman a clue, then don’t unload everything on her. Give her a chance to decide whether and how much she wants to know.

Lots of outcomes related to doing the right thing are possible. A possible outcome from not doing the right thing is she dies from cancer caused by HPV, which her whoring husband gave to her. I know people who got HPV from a cheating spouse, as well as other nasty STDs. It would be highly unethical to put the wife at that kind of risk.
I agree that OP need not go into detail about it though. She can ask if the wife wants proof and let her decide before sending the link to the dating profile.

Edited to add; if the wife commited suicide it would be entirely the cheater's fault, not the OP's fault. I am not a believer in shooting the messenger. You can only tell the truth and hope the person hearing it makes the right choice.

I think unless OP has HPV or an STI herself and believes he could have transmitted it to his wife then she really isn’t responsible in anyway for the wife’s sexual health. Speculating about him having life threatening STI’s is speculation only. Again. That’s on the husband and the potential consequences also on him.

Of course the wife should know. Shes being put at risk of STDs.

I find it grim the excuses women will use to justify protecting cheating men

Tell her op

That wouldn't be ops fault it would be the cheats fault. And what a weird bit of emotional black mail to put at ops door.
Sometimes I suspect half the "women" on relationship threads are cheating men who don't want to be found out. Utterly bleak to try and defend the wife not knowing.

He hasn't just cheated with the OP, so that argument doesn't wash. He's clearly actively cheating with multiple people.
It's up to the OP what she feels responsible for. She has information which could protect the wife from an STD. Why wouldn't she feel responsible for risking the wife's health by keeping silent?

It is bleak. A lot of people try to make a virtue out of minding your own business, even if doing so creates an increased risk to another person, which is bizarre thinking to me. We all have our own version of ethics of course. In mine, if you have info which could protect another person from harm you are duty bound to give them that information. Others may disagree.

Just send her the link anonymously

She can then make her own mind up

He is a true scumbag

I think trying to set up some sort of trap is pathetic. Either tell her or don't. Personally I wouldn't. Lots of men cheat...it's not ok, but why get yourself involved in all this drama. Just block him and move on.

You also don’t know he has actually cheated with anyone else but OP. Having a dating profile is fishy AF but it’s not 100% evidence he’s actually met anyone else. And she may well already know this (being on dating sites ALWAYS gets noticed by someone in your life). There are also couples in open relationships who are okay with this.

Your comment about not withholding information that could cause harm doesn’t wash here. Life is not black and white and this information could cause just as much harm as it prevents.

As someone else said, this is a fling that is done and dusted. OP makes the decision to reveal that he’s had an affair with her or she doesn’t and decides where she feels less harm will be done (to herself as well, as this all stops her moving on and opens her up to drama and retaliation from the guy or his wife).

Agreed.

Cheating and exposing your unwitting spouse to STDs should be up there as unpleasant DV just like assault. We shouldn't be turning a blind eye to it.

She knows he is trying to cheat with others at the very least. She does not know if he has been successful thus far, which matters not a whit in terms of protecting the wife.

Please don't use the old "it's not black and white" line, beloved by people who are trying to justify selfish, unethical choices. Ultimately, that's what not telling comes down to. It's not about concern for the wife (which is just a rationalization) it's about not putting yourself in an unpleasant situation, which is an entirely selfish motive.

Telling does not prevent OP from moving on with her life either. She does not have to engage any further after providing the info which allows the wife to make an informed choice, which is the only way it is a free choice. You seem to have a different set of ethical rules for yourself in this kind of situation, which is none of my concern or the OP's concern. It's your life and you get to live it by your own rules. OP has indicated she thinks telling is the right thing to do. As you say, that is her decision to make and she doesn't need to get a guilt trip about her decision.