Fling partner cheated on wife, now back on date app

[sofiaparker]

Last year had a fling with this guy. Only recently found out online that he is married with a kid. So he had cheated with me, and on his wife without both of our knowledge. I coincidentally swiped on him again on the dating app which I'm using as a single woman. So he is back to his cheating game seems. And this time he has put looking for 'a life partner' and a 'long term relationship'. I have his wife's insta ID. Matched with him again. This time would like to gather some evidence. Any ideas would be appreciated. Initial thought was to leave it but I have decided against this as this will only lead to him playing emotionally with other women and continually cheating on his wife without her even knowing. Side note- he performs and receives unprotected oral. Although I'm not in any trusting or committed relation right now, but if that happened to me without me even knowing then I'd be super pissed. Side note number 2, the first time he cheated with me, his wife was pregnant.

Totally agree. It should be prosecuted as DV if the spouse gets an STD from the cheater.

What he does TRY to do or not do is literally nothing to do with the OP. She only knows the sexual experience she has had with him and can’t comment on anything else.
She wants to tell the wife, fine that’s her decision, but posting on a forum invites looking at different perspectives, including the harm she could be unleashing.
Also, do not make out telling her is some kind of noble unselfish gesture, it’s not. OP has been wronged and she is asking for ways to get “evidence” i.e. entrap him to do him maximum harm. That’s just vengeance and wife and children are collateral. Please also note she says she only found out recently that he was married but it then also took seeing him on dating sites to then make her do anything about it.

I agree with Doglady

This is genius!

yeah, the guy must have been wondering why he wasn’t able to harvest as many victims from the apps all of a sudden 😁

You are assigning a revenge motive to the OP without sufficient evidence. That's unfair to her and not a valid argument for your position. It does not matter what OP's motives are if the result is that the wife is warned of a threat against her.

I do not propose OP should comment on what the cheater might be doing. That's for the wife to figure out. All OP needs to do is give her the necessary information to enable her to do the math herself.

So just tell her the part about having sex with him then and stop with all the “evidence” gathering, surely? I’m not assigning any motive, I just read the post. She knows nothing but that she had sex with him and maybe all these months later she wants to tell him, fine, so just tell him but be prepared for unexpected consequences.

Walk away. Leave him to his pathetic games.

Update:

1. thanks to all who have been looking at the issue logically and for your support and standing up for me.

2. if I'm honest it takes guts to tell the wife. I'm still questioning if I'm ready to invite this drama into my life. Cheater knows no info on me but I'm still scared in case he does.

3. to those saying the trap is pathetic. The wife would have no reason to believe me without the evidence. I have successfully talked to him and gathered the evidence on chats now.

4. I know way more info on him and his whole extended family now. Since a lot of them including him and wife have public online presence. He knows nothing but my name. Or so I think. But still I have no idea what this man is capable of. So I'm genuinely scared. What if I was the only one he cheated with? He will know I outed him. I'm trying my best to build the guts to tell his wife info that could potentially protect her. This guy remembers me well although it's been a whole year. Maybe he didn't have much luck on the dating app, or maybe he did. No one knows

5. I've put myself through STI testing in case. And looking to focus on longer term and trusting relationships but it isn't easy especially when you come across people with fake intentions like these. I would not have invested my energy in this person honestly if I had known it would end up being not more than a fling.

6. ultimately. I must tell the truth. And y'all need to stop assuming all women are frail and vulnerable. She needs to know. She can decide what's best for her.

@Nodlikeyouwerelistening we could go on like this for days and get absolutely nowhere. The bottom line is OP feels she has a duty to warn. I agree with her. You don't. Ethics are very personal and it appears that in this case they run deep, so none of us will budge on this matter. So let's leave it at that, shall we?

Just move on with your life

For all those saying ‘it’s not your business’ etc etc etc, how would you feel if this happened to you? People knew, said nothing, and you risked your health, happiness, and your best years with a man like this? Would you genuinely be happy not knowing? For how many years? Until your kids were in primary school? Until the GCSE years? Until you were 58? Until you attend that awkward GP appointment?

And for those who told and lost a friend, you did the right thing. You did the very best you could for a person you cared about.

I’m always stunned at the pushback on these kind of threads.

I really couldn’t get worked up about this. I could not be arsed with it. Just leave it and move on with your life.

Agree. And cheating IS domestic abuse. In fact it is every type of domestic abuse you can think of. It is:

• emotional abuse: cheated people class being cheated on the most painful and traumatizing thing that ever happened to them, it's agonizing and soul destroying

• mental abuse: many women feel a latent sense of unease long before they find out their spouse is cheating, they clock the lies subconsciously, they query the cheater and are fed a pack of lies and are gaslit to kingdom come, and they feel anxious and confused, sometimes for years

• physical abuse: the cheater can not only pass on deadly STDs, they also pass on vaginal flora from OWs that can cause distressing chronic or repeated bouts of UTIs and bacterial vaginoses; many women say how these problems disappeared when they ditched the cheater

• financial abuse: lot of cheaters spend family money on OWs and prostitutes

• sexual abuse: the wife would likely NOT agree to sex with the cheater if they knew he was fucking around, so the right to consent has been stripped from her

• a form of reproductive abuse, because chlamydia and bacterial vaginosis can cause female sterility

And it is child abuse, because this cheater could pass on disease to his wife that could threaten the baby's health and even life.

The argument NOT to tell the wife are morally bankrupt and self-serving, and deeply patronizing to the wife. You cheat the wife as much as the cheater by withholding information that could help her change course in her marriage and spare herself from ongoing abuse.

Stay in your lane and focus on your own life (and ensuring you avoid scumbags like this one).

Wouldn't it better to put your energy into making healthy choices in the future, not what women see in him but I presume he will move on the next one

As someone who had my husband cheat on me for years and I didn't know, please take screenshots and send to her. You can do it anonymously if you want but give the information to her and then it's up to her. I wish someone had done that for me

Tell her, OP. She really does have a right to know, especially as her health is being put into jeopardy. Also, you won't really be inviting drama into your life - screenshot and send her all relevant info and then mute or block her if you want, as long as she's told. What happens next is then up to her with informed choice.

My best friend son was stillborn after her H gave her an std. It was horrendous and she lost the son she so desperately wanted because of that vile cheating cunt.
Those on here advocating for saying nothing are just enabling this man to cheat on his wife.
Tell the wife she deserves to know.

Aside, I do find it funny how some on MN go out of their way to justify adultery. It almost smells like projection.

I was in a similar situation. I found out he was engaged and told his fiancée. They still got married but at the very least she was able walk into her marriage knowing exactly who she was dealing with.

I would tell. Being able to make an informed choice is important. He is lying and deceiving all those around him. The wife deserves to know and whatever she does with that information is up to her

Curious to know how many people would tell the husband if it was the wife cheating on him?

It’s the fact that he is highly deceptive by not telling unsuspecting women that he is married

Many women would be absolutely horrified that they had been deceived into sex/meeting up with a married man

That shows he’s a very low character

Thank you. You expressed it much more clearly than me! Yes to everything you have said.
It's mind boggling how many women tie themselves in knots to find excuses not to tell someone they are being cheated on.

I would always want to know especially if proof was provided.