Fling partner cheated on wife, now back on date app

[sofiaparker]

Last year had a fling with this guy. Only recently found out online that he is married with a kid. So he had cheated with me, and on his wife without both of our knowledge. I coincidentally swiped on him again on the dating app which I'm using as a single woman. So he is back to his cheating game seems. And this time he has put looking for 'a life partner' and a 'long term relationship'. I have his wife's insta ID. Matched with him again. This time would like to gather some evidence. Any ideas would be appreciated. Initial thought was to leave it but I have decided against this as this will only lead to him playing emotionally with other women and continually cheating on his wife without her even knowing. Side note- he performs and receives unprotected oral. Although I'm not in any trusting or committed relation right now, but if that happened to me without me even knowing then I'd be super pissed. Side note number 2, the first time he cheated with me, his wife was pregnant.

I would say get really clear on what your motives are, and what you want to achieve, and then send her proof, ie the dating link profile, and any other evidence you've got, anonymously.

It's not a choice between tell her and ruin her life while she's got a small baby, and not tell her with a guarantee she won't find out in five years when five year's of evidence of his cheating comes out and a chunk of her life has been a total lie and doesn't really exist any more. That's the worst bit. It's shit either way, but nipping it in the bud is the least worse option for her to deal with.

I reckon they're cheaters themselves.

Or they have never been cheated on (or never found out) and they think they're super special because of that. They think they're good partner pickers and other women aren't. Or they think that fucking and pandering to their H enough will stop him from cheating, and that other women deserve to be cheated on because she didn't meet his "needs".

The fact is that cheating is a choice made by the cheater and that choice has absolutely nothing to do with the spouse.

But it's easier to blame the victims of cheaters.

Fantastic post!

I did exactly that. The cheater was wildly promiscuous and so awful that she would even bring her daughters on dates, pretending the guy was "a friend." I think it gave her a sick thrill. I later heard he stayed with her anyway, but that's not my worry. He was able to make a free, informed choice, even if he did make a stupid one. Hopefully he had enough sense to wear condoms after that.

That's what a lot of people fail to understand about cheaters. It's not like they are wonderful spouses except for in one area. In order to cheat, you must be a person lacking in honour. You must be selfish and dishonest. You must have no respect for the rights and feelings of your spouse. When they start cheating, these people, who are already entitled and self-centred, get even more so. It's not like the spouse is humming along having a picture perfect marriage and doesn't sense something beneath the surface. Her/his instincts will be saying that something is badly off, that there is a hidden threat. Those kind of toxic undercurrents and nameless fears can ruin a person's health and well-being over the longterm. So the goal is protecting them from that by telling, that they should not waste their lives and ruin their health living with somebody who is actually functioning as their enemy, conspiring with others to deprive them of what they were promised and what they have earned- a respectful, authentic partnership of equals. Cheaters don't want that. They want to gain a hidden advantage over their spouses, to tip the balance of power in their favour through deception.

I would make an exception for people who cheat on abusive spouses, and I think it's important to find out, if you can, if there is any kind of physical threat to either party before telling on the cheater. In the case I was involved in, I had intimate knowledge and was as sure as I could be that there was no abuse, at least not the physical kind which would represent a possible threat to life and limb.

OMG, that's horrible! He belongs in prison, the filthy POS.
I know people who were rendered sterile by an STD from a cheater. Their dream of having children with a new partner after leaving the cheater could never be realized. Then the cheater went on to have kids with somebody else. It's heart breaking stuff.

@MuckFusk I agree with everything you say, especially

"They want to gain a hidden advantage over their spouses, to tip the balance of power in their favour through deception."

Yes, for many if not most cheaters, a big part of the thrill is about duping their unsuspecting spouse. Getting away with it. Being in control of their spouse, and the story. Their spouse is only a prop to their ego, as are their affair partners.

"I would make an exception for people who cheat on abusive spouses"

Yes, this is my exception too. I've seen quite a few women get away from violent partners by choosing a "bigger" affair partner, who scares off the violent partner. Because after all, these violent men are bullies who feel validated by picking on physically weaker people, and they run away like the wind when they meet their physical match.

Sadly the new guy is also abusive often... But I agree, cases of severe DV are justified in trying to escape however they do it. The rest, no.

Actually cases of DV in general, not just severe DV.

I'm cautious about even saying this because of the not few cases of cheaters who say that their spouse wanting more equitable labour division or not wanting to have sex means the spouse is infringing on the cheater's own human rights and therefore the cheater is subject to DV. And therefore the cheater is justified to cheat...

Agree. Quite a lot of cheating abusers falsely accuse the spouse of abuse. So unless you have intimate knowledge of the couple, it's very difficult to judge what is really going on. I would tend to think, however, that if anyone is more likely to be abusive, it's the cheater. They've shown a willingness to hurt the spouse.

UPDATE 2: I AM THE CLOWN.

Decided to confront the guy first. Turns out they are in an open relationship.

Only person who was lied to was me. But I am glad I lost nothing. Caught on early on and nipped my relationship with him in the bud. He has proposed to continue dating.

It's a hell no from me. And I'm glad I don't have to carry the burden of telling the wife. I can just enjoy my life now and carry on.

And to y'all who commented that was indeed quite helpful.

And to conclude I wouldn't be offended if y'all had a good laugh about it now. 😂

Of course that's what he said

Did you see proof from her of the open relationship?

Well assuming he’s telling the truth, now you are the one who has potentially been exposed unknowingly to STDs. Did he say he was having sex with you and his wife? And is she also having sex with someone else? You can be scrupulously about testing for you, or for you and your partner, but it means nothing if there is someone else in the loop who isn’t testing.

That is funny! Don't be too hard on yourself. How were you to know? If you had told the wife there would be no harm done. She'd probably have gotten a giggle from it too.
That being said, is the open relationship claim just coming from him, or do you have independent verification?
If it's just coming from him it's highly likely to be a lie.

Yeah no - I'm not dealing with this man anymore.
He claims he and his wife don't get intimate due to her health issues and painful sex. He wants a long term gf and hid his martial status at first as he thought I'd block him. He wants to stay dutiful towards his family and give his all to a gf too. I'm going to block him now anyway. I choose not to trust him in a relationship because we never know the risks in an open relationship apart from the fact that I don't want to be with someone who lied to me anyway.

"He claims he and his wife don't get intimate due to her health issues and painful sex"

So erm... you know that this is one of the biggest lines in the male cheater book, right?

It's right up there with "My wife doesn't understand me"

He has literally admitted to being a liar when it suits him. So the chance he's lying about this too seems pretty high...

It's good that you're not contemplating continuing with him, OP.

Yes, I'm dropping a line to his wife regardless. He also claims their child is a test tube baby.

🤣🤣🤣
Of course he's said that, they all say that. Textbook cheater handbook.

i wouldnt believe a word he says

claims their child is a test tube baby.

He's not one for originality is he?! 🙈🤣

Glad you're ditching him, and informing his wife, OP. I bet her version of the truth is really quite different and closer to honesty.

Did he use the term ‘test tube baby’ or did you? Because that is not the language of someone who has been through the process of IVF - and when you contact the wife do not use that offensive language, just incase it’s true.

If he was genuinely in an open relationship why wouldn’t he put it on his profile? At best he’s duping women into a relationship that isn’t honest, but far more likely it’s because his wife doesn’t know she’s in an open relationship.

I believe he is in an open relationship. I suspect his wife doesn’t know that she is though!!!

If this was the truth, he’d have been open about it from the offset. Total lies. But do what you’re doing and keep well away.

It's so widespread 😒Alongside my friend, I worked with a woman who caught an STD from her fiance (from prostitutes no less!) that fused her uterus to the point she had to have three operations in the hope she could conceive. She left my place of work so I don't know if the ops were ever successful but I do know she dumped the fiance. She was only 24 when I worked with her. 😔

Yeah he's not in an open relationship OP. He's saying that so you won't contact his wife.

Contact his wife.

Oh please. What a pile of absolute stinking bullshit.

Bet his wife (who has just given birth to his non 'test tube' child) isn't aware she's in an open marriage.

It's both infuriating and hilarious at the same time. The guy is obviously a complete fraud. With this latest update on his bizarre stayements we can be almost certain the open relationship claim is a lie.