Fling partner cheated on wife, now back on date app

[sofiaparker]

Last year had a fling with this guy. Only recently found out online that he is married with a kid. So he had cheated with me, and on his wife without both of our knowledge. I coincidentally swiped on him again on the dating app which I'm using as a single woman. So he is back to his cheating game seems. And this time he has put looking for 'a life partner' and a 'long term relationship'. I have his wife's insta ID. Matched with him again. This time would like to gather some evidence. Any ideas would be appreciated. Initial thought was to leave it but I have decided against this as this will only lead to him playing emotionally with other women and continually cheating on his wife without her even knowing. Side note- he performs and receives unprotected oral. Although I'm not in any trusting or committed relation right now, but if that happened to me without me even knowing then I'd be super pissed. Side note number 2, the first time he cheated with me, his wife was pregnant.

Yeah of course. I am doubtful too. But glad I'm ditching him. Yet to inform the wife. Just processing on how to make it quick and respectful.

Okay so it took me a while but I reached out to the wife! Turns out I'm not a clown. Just gullible. Every single word the guy said was a lie. The wife is in tears but relieved because she was suspecting for long but with no evidence. Guy said pretty nasty things about me to wife to cover up including body shaming me and saying I'm jealous. I guess wife is already aware of his bullying and body shaming remarks too as an example of the many wrongs he has done towards her also. I'm glad the wife believed me. Now the wife is feeling super insecure, she has so many questions for me and I don't know how to handle it. But God Bless her...she can do a lot better than him and I trust she will 🧿 🧿 🧿

I’ve just read through the thread now and I was hoping you would follow the advice of the posters who said to tell her! I’m glad to see by your update you did.

That was a very decent and brave thing to do, as sometimes there can be backlash and in some ways it’s easier to just walk away.

It’s clear from her response that you did the right thing for her situation. If she chooses to get back with him /not leave him - that’s on her, but at least you’re given her the information.

If you do choose to respond to her, I’d suggest setting up one (time limited) call to answer all her questions as best as you can discuss, and then politely draw some boundaries. Make it clear to her that this is her chance to ask everything before you move on .

If she contacts you in the future, say you wish her the best but you’ve told her all you can and are closing this chapter in your life.

It’s one thing to help her by giving her the initial information, but you don’t want to be stuck in a toxic triangle. She is unfortunately tied to this guy via her child for a very long time. You fortunately are not.

@sofiaparker, I commented in March. Kudos for contacting his Wife and bringing her out of the dark. It’s not at all surprising that this Liar has lied again and again as he uses people for his own gain. He is a morally bankrupt pig.

Hopefully his abused Wife will kick him out.

Best wishes to you.

Brava, OP! You didn't have to put yourself in this uncomfortable situation, but you did out of fellow feeling for this poor woman. I commend you. BRAVA!

Coming from the ex wife of a man who discovered he had been cheating throughout our marriage- you did the right thing. Unlike your scenario I found out about my ex-husbands indiscretions and contacted many women who he had been involved with (none of them knew about me!) I still remember those who told me to “f*ck off!” Or slammed the phone down on me.
But I do remember, with great appreciation, two who were very kind, compassionate and honest about what had gone on. There was one I spoke to 2/3 times as I just needed more answers, she didn’t have to speak to me and likely had my ex husband calling her up telling her not to speak to me! but I’ll be grateful forever that she did.

Do remember though, to protect your energy, you can only tell her what you know and it isn’t your role to support her beyond that. Hopefully she has a good support network of friends and family who will see her through this and keep her strong against this prick.

I wouldn’t tell the wife. I did this once - she wasn’t even a close friend just someone I knew, and I thought it awful that her husband was cheating on her (not with me). She was devastated, didn’t speak to me after that. He was also furious. They did split up in the end but neither of them thanked me for my intervention!

Okay so it took me a while but I reached out to the wife! Turns out I'm not a clown. Just gullible. Every single word the guy said was a lie. The wife is in tears but relieved because she was suspecting for long but with no evidence

OP has already told the wife @Elektra1 and it was evidently for the best.

It’s a no brainer for me: obviously you must tell the wife.

Tell her. Id want to know. My ex cheated and I wish id caught the shit earlier
He is putting her health at risk if they are having sex. Id also tell her abouy hik messaging you too of you still have them as he may worm his way out the app evidence

Please tell, OP. I was the wife and I found out many years later about multiple affairs, I felt I lost so much agency of my own life.

@sofiaparker meet her for coffee and tell her everything you know. .
even the dating site part and telling you they are in an open relationship.
This man won’t change and she deserves better .
You have already realised this and hopefully you can help her realise too.

Thanks everyone for your messages. I've told her everything I chatted with her at length. Shared screenshots of dating profile and messages...told her about the lies about her knowing and claiming their baby is ivf. The wife even said that he used her colleague's photo in his profile upon seeing it. I had been collecting evidence for 2 months before reaching out. Even was not sure id reach out or not. But wife was absolutely happy I did. She has answers. I can't imagine what he put her through mentally. And during the confrontation the lies of me demanding money or doing it out of jealousy because of the way I look and insecurity etc....wife told me everything and didn't buy a thing. I'm still worried about how she must be feeling herself. And the insecurities....she asked to see a photo of me...I tried to avoid giving out too much info about myself at first but in the end I honoured her request. She said she wanted to see the person her husband cheated on her with...

Wife had so many questions about the intimacy. I did not initially want to share those hurtful and private details. But I honoured her request and hopefully through what I said she realises that she was never the issue...she has no shortcomings whatsoever....he made a choice...and now she has options and it's her choice which way she goes...

You did the right thing. She sounds like shes got her head screwed on. She will move on from her shitty husband.

What are you wasting your time? And you are responsible for your own sexual health what he does with anyone else is not your business, maybe if your self respect grows you may find better suited dates and relationships

Getting lied to is nothing to do with my self respect. Hope you understand. And I don't mind wasting a bit of my time to make someone feel at peace. I have enough replies from this post to understand that I did the morally correct thing. Thanks for all the positive support to everyone who posted. I've done all I could and this case is closed now. Wife and I mutually decided to end communication on good terms. I'm unable to find a way to close the thread now, which I would like to do for privacy reasons. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you all

You did the right thing, OP. Brava to you