Hi guys, I don't know if anyone remembers me from last year, whereby I posted about my partner being away for work staying in a hotel. I had my suspicions that he might be cheating so checked his laptop search history to find that he'd bid on a pair of stripper heels on Ebay and had googled where to buy female bodysuits in the area he was currently in.
Well, here I am, back again and desperately needing to vent/advice as I can't speak to anybody about it in real life and I'm feeling terrible about the whole thing. During the time I had that thread running (I eventually requested for it to be removed), posters on here were suggesting that the shoes were perhaps for him and not another woman. Well they were right.
It turns out that since he was 12 he had been experimenting with womens tights, bodysuits etc. When he had some time to himself he enjoyed doing cocaine and dressing in these types of clothes, as well as latex bodysuits.That night I found all of this in his history, rang him and confronted him about what I had found he was understandably embarassed and ashamed. He promised me not to tell anyone, hence why I had the thread removed.
The issue is that he of course said it's something he wouldn't do again. I remember my words at the time being somewhere along the lines of this is clearly a big part of who you are and I don't believe you can stop. Regardless, I continued the relationship but several months later, whilst washing the pots I looked up and noticed his keys on my key hook. At the time he was working over 2 hours away so I thought, sod it I'm going there to check.
I got on my bike and headed to his. As I mentioned last year we are on a family tracker, and as soon as I got close to his place, he rang me in a panic asking why I'm near his. I told him outright I'm going to see what's there. He was panicking so much he sounded like he was going to cry but I hung up and continued on, shaking and in fear of what I would find. Stupidly at this point I still believed it would be a womans clothes that he'd cheated on me with.
Got there, opened the door, bag of tights, rubber suit, female bodysuit the whole shebang, clearly been in a rush and put nothing away. Rubber suit had clearly been worn. In a frenzy, I biked home shaking and unfortunately subsequently had quite a bad accident whereby I bumped my head and needed an ambulance. A few days later was my 40th Birthday, myself, him and a few friends went into town but that got ruined as he spent the arse end of the night staring at any woman that happened to be wearing tights. Probably the worst week of my life and I've had some bad ones.
Anyway, as it was clear this was not something he could let go of, we arranged a city break away. I packed all the things I knew he'd like and we ended up having an evening with him in his tights, butt plug, restraints, the lot. He was nervous at first but very much enjoyed the evening. Tbh it did nothing for me but no particularly negative feelings.
The problem is I don't think I really realised how this would impact me. The manner in which I found out was bloody awful, quite frankly. His attitude was that I shouldn't have gone looking but I just knew in my gut something wasn't right. He often struggled to maintain erections and just never seemed to really WANT me iyswim. I never felt lusted after, he often turned down sex for reasons such as tiredness, stress etc.
To now. I am angry. I feel my right to make an informed decision having all the information presented to me was removed, although I do understand why he hid it from me. I feel unattractive (which objectively I don't think I am), I can't really explain why but I no longer feel feminine, like a woman. I've started making less of an effort with my appearance, I just don't really care anymore.
Anyway, we are now going round in circles. He swore a few months back that it would never happen again, to which obviously I don't believe, but he is insistent. My argument is I am now 40 years old, not old by any means but old enough to not have the time to be wasting on shit like this. He states he no longer needs it and it was something he only enjoyed doing whilst using drugs, which he doesn't do anymore. Essentially he is trying to make the argument that it was not at all a part of him but something drugs made him do. I'm not an idiot and I know this is unlikely the case.
I would say I'm now pretty depressed to be honest. I've lost any enjoyment in life, though I mask it well to outsiders.
On a few occasions I've drank too much wine and been incredibly nasty to him, belittling, mocking etc which he doesn't deserve as tbh other than this he has been the most patient, kind, caring boyfriend I have ever had. No excuse really but I believe I've done this to make him feel as crap as I'm left feeling. I feel at this point we would be better off separating but he says he adores me and doesn't want to break up, that it will never happen again.
Sorry for the long post and if you've got this far then thanks for reading. Any advice/experience with this would be greatly appreciated. Really don't know what to do for the best and at this point, sick of men really. There's always bloody something with them.