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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Disrespectful boyfriend - what would you do?

103 replies

S0rrywhat · 09/03/2025 01:48

I am staying at my boyfriends house tonight. He has recently adopted a terrible snoring problem every night, previously had no issues over the last 2 and a half years. I woke him up 3 or 4 times to tell him he was snoring and was keeping me awake. His response was irritation that I had woken him up, suggested I sleep downstairs. When I suggested that maybe he should be the one to do that, he told me this was his house and his bedroom and if I didn't like it I shouldn't stay again. I suggested he should stop being an a total asshole and was being selfish as he was keeping me up, to which I was then told to fuck off and stop waking him up! To say I'm astounded is an understatement...what would you do here?!

OP posts:
WillIEverBeOk · 09/03/2025 08:42

Cam1981 · 09/03/2025 08:16

You want him to see a doctor in the middle of the night ?

Show quote history

@Catapultaway She said it's been happening recently, so that night wasn't the first time.

TheSassyTraybake · 09/03/2025 08:47

WillIEverBeOk · 09/03/2025 08:42

@Catapultaway She said it's been happening recently, so that night wasn't the first time.

Show quote history

The OP reads to me like she wanted him to do something about it immediately. Sounds very princessy and like hard work if I’m honest. Best advice would be for the boyfriend to end it with her I think.

SallyWD · 09/03/2025 08:54

I don't know why you kept waking him up. Sometimes DH snores, and sometimes I snore. We just give each other a gentle nudge. It's not enough to wake the other one up properly, but we just move slightly change position and stop snoring.
If DH woke me up four times in the night to complain, I'd probably want to murder him.

2chocolateoranges · 09/03/2025 09:06

I’m not sure I’d be too polite to dh if he kept waking me up and would probably tell him to fuck off too.

if dh and I are snoring(something that neither of us can help doing while asleep) then we give each other a gentle nudge, we don’t wake them, that’s disrespectful . I have slept on the couch on occasions too, though not very often.

ive gone on breaks away with my mum, sharing rooms and she snores so loud, she was advised to lose weight which she has done and she still snores as loud, I take ear plugs with me when we go away now. Problems solved.

IAmTheLittleThings · 09/03/2025 09:07

If someone woke me 4 times for snoring in my own bed they'd be told to fuck off too.
You had options. You don't live there.
I think you may be past a calm conversation about his health now.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 09/03/2025 09:08

The middle of the night is not the time or place for that conversation. It should be done during the day, and if there's no obvious reason for his recent snoring (a cold, extra tiredness, drinking more alcohol) then he should go to the GP to investigate the reason. In the mean time you agree how to deal with it . It could be you go home at night, you sleep on the sofa, he could as well(might be more amenable to that during the day rather than just when woken up) or a way to make him change position (nudge, hold his nose -that’s what OH told me to do ) . If he refuses to make any changes then just dump him.

doodahdayy · 09/03/2025 09:10

Don't stay over

Imbusytodaysorry · 09/03/2025 09:17

S0rrywhat · 09/03/2025 02:15

@BlondiePortz He is snoring all night and keeping me awake? Am I being unreasonable to be disappointed by his response? It seems selfish to me. He's asleep but I lie awake all night and he doesn't mind if I get no sleep because of it.

No he spoke to you shockingly.
If I was keeping someone awake it be apologising .
If I had a guest /partner yes I’d offer to leave then the bed.

Moving forward maybe best to split he is a dis respectful selfish twat .

lollydu · 09/03/2025 09:23

My partner snores, it's a very common problem in relationships so you would be better to try and find a solution than argue about it! I have ear plugs, white noise machine so he doesn't wake me in the night and a snooze band which plays white noise directly into my ear and I sleep well with that. If he snores I literally ask him nicely to roll over in the night and he does and it's fine. It sounds like you are making a big deal of something that can be improved with a few tweaks x

OhHellolittleone · 09/03/2025 09:25

Can you imagine this the other way around… HE was at my house, kept waking, demanded I slept downstairs…. The OP would be told his is abusive, selfish, gaslighting etc etc …

OP sleep downstairs. Have a convo in the morning with a little more humility, understanding and partnership… you might get a better response.

Brefugee · 09/03/2025 09:26

S0rrywhat · 09/03/2025 02:15

@BlondiePortz He is snoring all night and keeping me awake? Am I being unreasonable to be disappointed by his response? It seems selfish to me. He's asleep but I lie awake all night and he doesn't mind if I get no sleep because of it.

meh. his house his rules, so if you can't sleep you move.

My DH snores, i just pull at his pillow until he moves and stops. But we've been together for decades so I'm never going to end it over snoring.
You are not deep in this relationship, you're not compatible. End it.

Qwee · 09/03/2025 09:27

Pack and go immediately.
Relationship over.
Very very simply.

Sassybooklover · 09/03/2025 09:29

You need to look at why he is snoring. Is he laying on his back a lot? Is he overweight? Has he had alcohol? Is he very tired? All of the above will make a person snore. He needs to address the underlying cause of him snoring. Yes, we all snore on occasions but if he's snoring all night, then there's a reason. Occasionally my husband snores, usually if he's laying on his back or had alcohol, and I use my body to shake the bed. He will turn over. Yes, I have had the grumpy 'I'm not snoring', if I have woken him! To which I say 'yes, you bloody well are, because I've been awake listening to you'. You have a choice really, go downstairs or don't stay over. It's his house, therefore not down to him to go downstairs. If he's not prepared to look at the causes of him snoring, then you may need to accept the relationship won't work long-term.

TheMorels · 09/03/2025 09:31

I don’t think you’re reasonable here - it’s his house and bed, after all.

I would’ve slept on the sofa. And if you go back, take earplugs.

CautiousLurker01 · 09/03/2025 09:32

S0rrywhat · 09/03/2025 02:15

@BlondiePortz He is snoring all night and keeping me awake? Am I being unreasonable to be disappointed by his response? It seems selfish to me. He's asleep but I lie awake all night and he doesn't mind if I get no sleep because of it.

He hasn’t ‘adopted’ snoring as though it’s a choice. If he’s never snored before, then there is a medical issue. Ask him to go and see his GP and get a referral to ENT incase he has polyps/sinus/adenoid issues that can be treated.

Re being unreasonable - no, you’re not as sleep deprivation as huge impacts, but you could show a little empathy and understanding. Then he might agree to see someone about it.

ChristmasFairy2024 · 09/03/2025 09:33

S0rrywhat · 09/03/2025 02:15

@BlondiePortz He is snoring all night and keeping me awake? Am I being unreasonable to be disappointed by his response? It seems selfish to me. He's asleep but I lie awake all night and he doesn't mind if I get no sleep because of it.

Yes you are unreasonable. Holy shit he is sleeping soundly and you are repeatedly wakening him up of course he will be grumpy. You are the one struggling to sleep soundly you move elsewhere and discuss it in the morning. I’d be looking at causes or ways to remedy it but if it continued and upsets you so much then don’t share a bed stay at your own place or on the couch. It’s not like it is something he is doing on purpose 🤯

WillIEverBeOk · 09/03/2025 09:33

lollydu · 09/03/2025 09:23

My partner snores, it's a very common problem in relationships so you would be better to try and find a solution than argue about it! I have ear plugs, white noise machine so he doesn't wake me in the night and a snooze band which plays white noise directly into my ear and I sleep well with that. If he snores I literally ask him nicely to roll over in the night and he does and it's fine. It sounds like you are making a big deal of something that can be improved with a few tweaks x

Why should you have to do all of that though, @lollydu ? Why doesn't your partner do something to help himself, and go see a doctor about it?

Original poster
S0rrywhat · 09/03/2025 09:41

We had been in bed for about 30 minutes, it's not like I continually woke him over the entire night. This is not the first conversation we've had about it, he is more than aware and many day time conversations have happened. I recorded a video one night and showed him the next day. He was horrified and agreed it sounds shocking. He refuses to go to a GP for it. I also didn't demand that he vacate his own bed, but as a reply to his suggesting I should. It's not so much about his inability to control snoring that bothers me, more being spoken to like that and told to fuck off when a guest in someone's home. I'm glad we are normalising this kind of communication with our partners.

Getting up at 2am to drive an hour home would only cause more of a drama!

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 09/03/2025 09:41

WillIEverBeOk · 09/03/2025 08:42

@Catapultaway She said it's been happening recently, so that night wasn't the first time.

Show quote history

Then op knew about the snoring and chose to stay anyway. Then had the sheer gaul to wake him up several times, call him names, and make demands. Then she decides to complain he is being disrespectful when he responds in kind?

So it's ok for her to be a twat but he's the one at fault and those of us understanding his reaction to being woken several times and verbally abused are missing the point, nah.

OP should take responsibility for her own disrespectful actions too she put herself in that position she could have taken herself out of it without being abusive. And for those unsure about it, name calling and unreasonable demands are abusive.

No one comes out of this smelling of roses.

TheSassyTraybake · 09/03/2025 09:47

S0rrywhat · 09/03/2025 09:41

We had been in bed for about 30 minutes, it's not like I continually woke him over the entire night. This is not the first conversation we've had about it, he is more than aware and many day time conversations have happened. I recorded a video one night and showed him the next day. He was horrified and agreed it sounds shocking. He refuses to go to a GP for it. I also didn't demand that he vacate his own bed, but as a reply to his suggesting I should. It's not so much about his inability to control snoring that bothers me, more being spoken to like that and told to fuck off when a guest in someone's home. I'm glad we are normalising this kind of communication with our partners.

Getting up at 2am to drive an hour home would only cause more of a drama!

Edited

I’m sorry but reverse the genders here and I think mumsnet replies would be outraged, recording without permission etc.

Do the man a favour and end this. Let him sleep.

Original poster
S0rrywhat · 09/03/2025 09:50

@TheSassyTraybake what?! An audio clip in a pitch black room....

OP posts:
TheMorels · 09/03/2025 09:51

I’d not stay with someone that told me to fuck off. It’s pretty unimaginable to me.

If it’s a relationship you do want to stay in, the snoring and expecting him to vacate his own bed is unreasonable imo. So, you choose not to sleep over, or you take earplugs, or you sleep on the sofa. My husband has recently started snoring on occasion. I just pop in earplugs if it wakes me up.

Huckyfell · 09/03/2025 09:52

TeaNtoast25 · 09/03/2025 02:38

Pinch his nose wen he snores he will soon stop (lol)

If you pinched his nose he would look unusual

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 09/03/2025 09:55

S0rrywhat · 09/03/2025 09:41

We had been in bed for about 30 minutes, it's not like I continually woke him over the entire night. This is not the first conversation we've had about it, he is more than aware and many day time conversations have happened. I recorded a video one night and showed him the next day. He was horrified and agreed it sounds shocking. He refuses to go to a GP for it. I also didn't demand that he vacate his own bed, but as a reply to his suggesting I should. It's not so much about his inability to control snoring that bothers me, more being spoken to like that and told to fuck off when a guest in someone's home. I'm glad we are normalising this kind of communication with our partners.

Getting up at 2am to drive an hour home would only cause more of a drama!

Edited

That's entirely different if conversations have been had and he refuses any kind of compromise,adjustments or to see the GP. In that case, yes he is selfish and you should end it.

Flipslop · 09/03/2025 09:55

S0rrywhat · 09/03/2025 02:15

@BlondiePortz He is snoring all night and keeping me awake? Am I being unreasonable to be disappointed by his response? It seems selfish to me. He's asleep but I lie awake all night and he doesn't mind if I get no sleep because of it.

You’re never going to get a reasonable response from someone being woken and moaned at in the night.
best approach would have probs been to take yourself on the sofa for the night and address it in the morning