TW (violence) I know what I need to do but I don’t know how

[lost1212]

So this is my first time posting here and I’m not sure if anyone can see any of my private details so please if you can can someone let me know!

I’ve been with my partner for almost 9 years, we have a son together (just for background). We’ve always bickered it’s just us but the past id say year or 2 things have gone past bickering. We argue all the time about everything and nothing. We had an argument last summer I was sat on the floor cleaning up the toys and I told him I didn’t appreciate how he’d shouted at our son earlier that day he grabbed a vimto bottle off of the table charged at me and rammed it in my eye (cut the side of my eye and gave me a horrendous black eye) I just sat in shock, the next day he swore it would never happen again. A few months later I can’t even remember what had happened but I said something and he emptied his coke can all over me.

A few months passed nothing happened but then early last year I was curling my hair getting ready to go out and my son was acting up a little for him, he got frustrated because I didn’t immediately go and help so he game into the bedroom and as I stood up to get my clothes he threw me down the side of the bed and repeatedly jumped on my legs and stomach and then hit me with I don’t even know what then emptied a big bottle of Evian over me. Again a few months pass not much happens the usual verbal abuse “shh” when I’m speaking, I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m a bad mum etc etc but then yesterday I was in a bit of a quiet mood it had been a long day I was relaxing on my bed he said he wanted to go to sleep so I got up and went to go have a bath as I left the room he put his arms around my next and like tried lifting me up via my neck essentially trying to choke me? I don’t know what was the goal and then proceeded to grab me by my face again from my behind (cutting my nose and just under my eye).

Then today I told him I’d had enough I didn’t want to live like this anymore and I needed him to leave, he proceeded to run at me and fly kick me again the kitchen sides 6 maybe 7 times, started pelting things at me (cocoa butter, a hair brush, the remote my only saving grace was the thick prick tried to throw a wax burner at me and instead got wax all over his hands so he stopped) I went and cleaned myself up and repeated I didn’t want him here to which he made mocking sounds started shhhsing me everytime I spoke, came over smacked me round the side of my head and ripped up my colouring book (which sounds stupid but it was girl moments and I really loved some of the pictures I’d done in there) and started to say some vile things about my mum which I don’t want to repeat let alone type out.
I’d also like to stress NONE of this my son has ever seen but here lies my issue, I’ve been a stay at home mum we rely on him essentially for everything, when I ask him to leave he uses it against me tells me that he call social services on me and tell them that I can’t provide for my son that I’ll have no food or clothes for my son, as it stands I’ve been asking him for a couple quid to go and get some pads, some deodorant like just the basics just for myself but I get shhhsd. I know he’s never gonna change I know it I’m laying in my sons bed with a lump on my eye and purple marks on the side of my face and I’m scared one day I’m going to snap back at him and end up doing something wild but I’m stuck here I don’t know what I do I know what I need to do but if it turns out how he says then I don’t know what I do.

Im sorry this is so long but I’m lost and I don’t have a soul I can tell any of this too and I don’t want to end up battered and bruised every week I’m tired I’m so f’in tired

I'm so sorry.

Does he work? Leave the house?
Donypu have family?

Is it your home? Can you afford to live there?

You need help and support from family and friends and to call the police :(

You need to contact women's aid and the police

He works Monday to Friday, I have family but my mums health isn’t great and my sister has her own life to lead I could never tell either of them this.
It’s technically both of ours and I can’t afford to live here I got made redundant during lock down and then had my little boy and I’ve been a sahm ever since. I’ve threatened him with the police but he tells me he’ll lie and say I’ve been abusing my son and then goes down the route of he’ll tell social services I can’t provide I can’t do this etc etc I just feel so trapped

He's abusing you. Police and SS will see through any lies. Please get help when he's at work tomorrow. Call women's aid and the police. They will support you.

It sounds like you should be eligible for a benefit like Universal Credit. Please don't stay in this situation because of money.

Call the police and speak to Women's Aid.

I know it's difficult to tell your family but you must ask them for help.

You cannot stay - its not safe, and you don't want your child to grow up with your abuser.

I’m so sorry to read this. This is awful domestic abuse and it is escalating. There are some really concerning high risk behaviours here (especially the choking) and although it is hard, I think you need to consider him a real threat to you and your son. Please please call the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV) who will give you advice. And google to see if there is a local IDVA service in your area - they are specialist domestic violence advocates and can help advise you and keep you safe. You’re going to need to be strong but please try, this is not going to be easy but men like this don’t tend to change. good luck xxx

But what if they don’t? All I’ve ever wanted is a happy home, my son to be happy and he’s always drilled into me even going back to when I had really bad ppd/ppa if we broken up he’d take me to court I’d never see my son again. It’s not even the money that’s making me stays it’s like I’m scared but then I’ve also grown scared of being here I just feel like if I stay I can just try to predict his moods maybe not speak everything I think and I know I’ll always have my son or I leave and I disrupt my sons lies and him possibly being dragged through whatever happens from my partners lies. And in terms of UC I don’t think I am entitled to anything due to living with my partner and how much he actually earns

Women's aid in England - 0808 200 0247 10am-10pm

In Scotland - 0800 027 1234 available 24/7

In NI - 0808 802 1414 available 24/7

Non-emergency Police - 101

He’d never hurt my son despite everything he is a brilliant dad which I think makes it so much harder because I know whatever the outcome is will majorly impact my son and god I love that little man more than anything
Do you know if I have to give the NCDV my personal details or can I do it anonymously because I don’t think I’m quite ready for it all to come out

I know. I understand. Please don't believe anything he tells you. This situation will only escalate, it will not get better. You need to be safe and you will get support from the services mentioned already. This man is so dangerous to you and your son.

With regards to universal credit. You can apply as a single person and I believe would be eligible for it, but that is for the professionals to go through with you. I just wanted you to know that financial support is available if you did leave.

This is all extremely shocking to hear. In case you can be identified I suggest you change your user name.

Domestic abusers don't get or want sole custody of a child it's a threat and one thing as that's often used and you'll see it time and again on threads on here with situations like yours
Your safety is paramount go stay with mum or sister I'm sure they wouldn't want you being subject to such violent acts.His violence is escalating, jumping on your stomach he could've damaged internal organs he could hospitalise you or worse.
Please follow the advice if you can from others that have been through this.

Definitely name change as pp said I think where you're from could be identifiable if those numbers aren't random.

Thank you. I have tried to change it but it doesn’t appear to have changed it on the post, my username isn’t a obvious link back to me unless you really think about it it’s more so I was unsure if you could see my email or anything

As others have said, contact the police & women’s aid.

Stop telling him your plans to leave, he’ll threaten you with all sorts, that’s what abusers do, he’ll do anything to stop you leaving.
The police will be used to dealing with DV and men like him, let him say what he wants, let everyone see him for what he is.
All DV is serious but this violence is extreme. You and your son need to leave. Also, good father would never ever act the way he does, don’t delude yourself on that.

You need to leave or he will kill you.

He isn't a good dad, because a good dad doesn't abuse the kids' mum.

Apply for UC as a single person. Tell your mum and sister, and ideally take your child and go and stay with one of them.

Report it to the police. Take photos of your injuries now and note down as much as you can remember of everything so you have notes.

Just get out. He will kill you.

Good dads don't beat their kids's mother. They don't choke them.

call women's aid and the police. Don't leave / throw him out without their support.

you can do this and you must do it.

your son needs you and you'll be useless to him when one day this man chokes you to death.

This is so hard to read. I'm so sorry you're going for this. Other posters are right, this is all abusive, and the fact you also have to ask for a few pounds for essential items like sanitary products is also a big red flag.

He is a horrible bully and won't change.

By hurting, either physically or mentally, he is also not being a brilliant dad. Your son is in the house when this is going on and that in itself is also abusive towards your son, as he will be hearing what's going on.

Please follow the advice given tomorrow.

The abuse is escalating and there is a real risk you will end up seriously hurt or dead. I know that's hard to hear but please get help and get out for your own sake as well as your sons. He is getting older and will be getting more aware too.

Please also consider speaking to your family alongside the police and domestic violence services, think if your sister or mum were in this situation would you want to know / help? Even just for emotional support. He is using the fact you are isolated as an abuse tactic too.

I hope you get the strength and support you need to leave asap.

You need to get out of the situation, please. This man is very dangerous, his behaviour is escalating and will get worse. Please seek the help of those you trust. Don't give any hint that you are going to leave but do so when you have a window of opportunity, making sure you don't leave clues as to where you have gone such as using taxi firms (he may ask neighbours). Get out as quickly as you can with minimum possessions at a time when he will be away for a few hours. If you aren't driving yourself away get your lift to park out of sight around the corner ❤️❤️❤️

Please, please go to the police so they can see you with your current bruises. This is evidence that is needed for now and for future. Tell them everything you wrote here, including all the history.

please please contact a DV support organisation and get yourself and your son out of there.

you need to do these things to keep yourself and your son safe. if you show proof that he is abusive, SS should not take your son away from you and put him in your abusers care.

i have read that choking is one of the biggest warning signs of a potential murder from DV. Everything your wrote was absolutely shocking and horrifying, but the choking is an absolute get out now warning.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You have to leave right now, regardless of finances.

make sure you log out of Mumsnet, clear the history and don’t save the password so that he cannot find this thread.

He has beaten you and you have bruises and injuries now? Photograph them now and call the police from a safe place as soon as you can. Those injuries are a witness statement of their own that he cannot plausibly deny.

I suspect, but I'm not sure, that the police can remove him from the house so that you can flee safely. Check with Women's Aid or Refuge.

Install a good antivirus on your phone and tablet and check them for spouseware. This lets you see if he is monitoring you. Be warned that he will notice if you remove it, so perhaps wait until after you've left. And put a new passcode on your phone. Not your fingerprint, a passcode. He can use your finger to unlock your phone whilst you are sleeping.

You are being financially and physically abused here and he is escalating. As PP have said, strangulation is the strongest indicator of him murdering you in the future. You need to be brave for yourself and your son. You can do this, even if you are scared. You should be scared because this man risks your life.

Just realised this says early last year when I was curling my hair I’m sorry I mean early this year I don’t know how to edit the post itself

His physical abuse is escalating. You need to keep yourself safe otherwise your son will be raised without a mother. Do you really want that?

His threats to stop you seeing your son are just hot air. He might get contact, but highly unlikely he'd want the reality of full care as it would impact his life too much.

He is not a brilliant dad. He is one of the worst examples of a human being there is. A brilliant dad doesn't harm the mother of his child. As your child gets older and does things he doesn't agree with, it's likely his aggression will be taken out on your child as well.

You need to act as it seems the frequency and intensity of the violence to you is increasing. Please take action to keep yourself and your child safe. As you've just experienced, abusers escalate at the thought of losing their victim. Leaving is the most dangerous time for women experiencing domestic violence. Speak to the support groups and police and make a plan to move to safety while he is at work. There will be benefits you can claim, so you will have money.

So sorry you're being abused in this awful way OP. Please do like others have suggested and call women's aid and the police. Although your son has never seen him abuse you it's only a matter of time. Please get out ASAP as you both deserve so much better. Hand hold xxx