TW (violence) I know what I need to do but I don’t know how

[lost1212]

So this is my first time posting here and I’m not sure if anyone can see any of my private details so please if you can can someone let me know!

I’ve been with my partner for almost 9 years, we have a son together (just for background). We’ve always bickered it’s just us but the past id say year or 2 things have gone past bickering. We argue all the time about everything and nothing. We had an argument last summer I was sat on the floor cleaning up the toys and I told him I didn’t appreciate how he’d shouted at our son earlier that day he grabbed a vimto bottle off of the table charged at me and rammed it in my eye (cut the side of my eye and gave me a horrendous black eye) I just sat in shock, the next day he swore it would never happen again. A few months later I can’t even remember what had happened but I said something and he emptied his coke can all over me.

A few months passed nothing happened but then early last year I was curling my hair getting ready to go out and my son was acting up a little for him, he got frustrated because I didn’t immediately go and help so he game into the bedroom and as I stood up to get my clothes he threw me down the side of the bed and repeatedly jumped on my legs and stomach and then hit me with I don’t even know what then emptied a big bottle of Evian over me. Again a few months pass not much happens the usual verbal abuse “shh” when I’m speaking, I’m fat, I’m ugly, I’m a bad mum etc etc but then yesterday I was in a bit of a quiet mood it had been a long day I was relaxing on my bed he said he wanted to go to sleep so I got up and went to go have a bath as I left the room he put his arms around my next and like tried lifting me up via my neck essentially trying to choke me? I don’t know what was the goal and then proceeded to grab me by my face again from my behind (cutting my nose and just under my eye).

Then today I told him I’d had enough I didn’t want to live like this anymore and I needed him to leave, he proceeded to run at me and fly kick me again the kitchen sides 6 maybe 7 times, started pelting things at me (cocoa butter, a hair brush, the remote my only saving grace was the thick prick tried to throw a wax burner at me and instead got wax all over his hands so he stopped) I went and cleaned myself up and repeated I didn’t want him here to which he made mocking sounds started shhhsing me everytime I spoke, came over smacked me round the side of my head and ripped up my colouring book (which sounds stupid but it was girl moments and I really loved some of the pictures I’d done in there) and started to say some vile things about my mum which I don’t want to repeat let alone type out.
I’d also like to stress NONE of this my son has ever seen but here lies my issue, I’ve been a stay at home mum we rely on him essentially for everything, when I ask him to leave he uses it against me tells me that he call social services on me and tell them that I can’t provide for my son that I’ll have no food or clothes for my son, as it stands I’ve been asking him for a couple quid to go and get some pads, some deodorant like just the basics just for myself but I get shhhsd. I know he’s never gonna change I know it I’m laying in my sons bed with a lump on my eye and purple marks on the side of my face and I’m scared one day I’m going to snap back at him and end up doing something wild but I’m stuck here I don’t know what I do I know what I need to do but if it turns out how he says then I don’t know what I do.

Im sorry this is so long but I’m lost and I don’t have a soul I can tell any of this too and I don’t want to end up battered and bruised every week I’m tired I’m so f’in tired

I have been in this situation. You will have to rescue yourself and your son. As others have said, he will try to kill you if you stay. He is not a good dad. Harming you is a form of violence and abuse towards your son, and this is how the law views it too.

You need to go to the police wifh your injuries tomorrow. The local police will have a trained DV officer. Mine were very discreet and took the time to do a long interview with me in a private room. They clearly understood. Trust them. Part of the purpose is so that the police have a marker on your number so that if you call they come extra quickly, if he comes after you when you leave.

You need to find a place to go. A friend, family, or refuge. Pack minimal stuff, and birth certificates/ passports for you and your son.

This is very serious and you must dig deep and act quickly. The most shocking part of my memories is that moment you describe: as I cowered in my child’s bed terrified, but not yet having comprehended that I was only a room away from mortal danger. I can’t stress how serious this is.

Unless you are giving a statement to the police, the dates don't matter. What matters is that he has hit you several times and you need to leave.

The horrible point about the moment you’ve arrived at is that you have to act. He will now seek to harm you if you stay, and also if you leave. It is better to have the protection of the police and an anonymous place to stay then to try to defend yourself on your own at home. Think of it as a dangerous dog that wants to chase you no matter what.

In addition to a friend, family, or refuge place as housing options, you are also classified as having priority need for housing support from the local authority and you won't be treated as intentionally homeless.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/professionalresources/legal/housingoptions/housingoptionsforpeopleexperiencingdomesticabuse/housingrightsofdomesticabusesurvivors#finding-somewhere-to-stay

He's not a brilliant dad. Brilliant dads don't abuse the mothers of their children.

Firstly you need to report it to the police. You just must. You need a paper trail of the abuse. Otherwise he will deny it if it ever gets to family court and they won't believe you. Secondly so what if he tells police or social services anything? He'll be lying. Social workers won't believe a scumbag abusive man above you, especially when there is a police report. Thirdly you think your child isn't aware of this but he is. He is. You need to get out for his sake.
You can access housing through the council if you're fleeing DV. Then you can claim UC and work on selling the joint house and getting your money out of it. But a better option is if he is arrested and bailed not to return to the house which will give you time to make plans. But you MUST tell authorities now. It's been going on too long and you can't get out without help.

Please get out, he's escalating, he could kill you.

You need to contact the police. They will be on your side. And Women’s Aid. Please. The escalation is genuinely terrifying to read.

OP I worked in this field for years and now work in a related field, his risk is escalating and the risk of him committing domestic homicide is increasing. An attempt to strangle, suffocate or restrict an airway is a huge indicator. The police will believe you, please go and see them today you have visible injuries, if nothing else they can put bail conditions in place to stop him coming near you. Women's aid or the NCDV will then have a better chance at securing your things like a non molestation order, occupation order so you can stay in the home until it's sold without him etc

Just to add it's common for abusers to try and blame the victim, police are trained to deal with this. Also your son does know , children feel tension in an environment and he will certainly see your injuries

You go to the police with your injuries and really his threat to social services is you are a sty at home mum

and he isn’t a brilliant dad yiur son will know whst he is like

He's not a brilliant dad, he's a violent man and you need to get out. Save your son, he will start to notice if he hasn't already and then start thinking this is normal, and the pattern repeats itself.

You have the numbers, please call them.

I know how hard it is to leave, but trust me, there isn't a single day in the last 15 years I regret it.

This ^ the council must also find you emgency accommodation that day. As they can't send you back home .its not safe

Phone the police or go to a police station and tell them everything you have said here.

You would be telling your dead self you should have done that.

Your DS will know and you can’t stop him getting older and becoming entirely aware.

This will become normal behaviour to your son and it will imprint on him.

The time to get out is now and protect yourself at all costs.

Please @Cassie1903 go to the police, or call them, let them see your injuries and tell them everything. You say he'd never hurt your son but I bet there was a time when you said he'd never hurt you. Tell your family, this is not your shame it's his, abuse loves secrecy and the more you keep it hidden the worse it will get.
Please be strong for your son and get help

He is very dangerous. He isn't violent with your son and comes across as a 'brilliant dad' because he needs you to feel like you would hurt your son if you left. He isn't stupid. I wouldn't trust him with your son once you leave-and you HAVE to leave! I knew a woman who was killed by her partner. She had a 6 year old DD. He was physically abusive but she stayed. One night he stabbed her. Even if he has no intention of killing you, throwing heavy items, jumping on you etc are enough to accidently kill you. You are NOT safe and it's escalating. Please photograph your face right now and show the police. Call women's aid. Please report him and leave ASAP. Do not tell him you're leaving. Hugs to you, find your strength, you can do this.

Agree with this too. Please tell your sister at least. Have someone to talk to.

You must get him out. Putting his hands around your throat is a strong indicator that his violence is escalating and he might kill you one day.

You say that your son never sees this, but he sees your injuries and he hears how you are spoken too. Is this the relationship you want to model for him.

Call the police as soon as he has gone to work, use 999 and tell them you are afraid of him returning home. Ask them to send someone round. They can issue a DVPO to prevent him returning to the property.

You can do this for the sake of your son, even if you can't do it for yourself.

This gave me chills. He sounds utterly unhinged. This won't get better op, you need to report him to the police today.

Please stop worrying about all the crap he's said about taking your son etc that's to keep you scared and there.
When he goes to work, pack your bags with the essentials and go to your mums and the police.
Apply for UC once you're there. Better to leave and start over than wait to be killed.

You need to get out. He will kill you. This is escalating to dangerous levels. Take pictures of injuries. You WILL get UC and you have to tell your family. I'd be utterly horrified if my child didn't disclose violence to me so that I could help. Don't listen to all his bollocks about taking your son. You're the primary carer, that will not happen.

Men like him rely on threats, gaslighting and blackmail to keep you in check and keep you under control. He has knocked the stuffing out of you. Try and concentrate on a safe space for you and your son and don't think because he's a "brilliant dad" that he's not going to cause lifelong damage to him. This man couldn't be further from a brilliant dad. He's a vile abuser.

Please call the police and Women's Aid the moment it is safe to do so. You don't have to live like this

He is a very dangerous man.
Please report to the police.

The only reason SS would take your son is if you don’t leave him and someone reported this level of domestic violence.

As others have said police and women’s aid. And unless you have a difficult relationship with your family, tell them. They may well suspect. And in any case this is his shame to bear, not yours.

OP you're going to die. He's going to kill you and you need to leave asap.

Stop telling him to leave, stop arguing with him and just get yourself out of there. It would be best to go to the police but your priority is your and your child's safety.

Call the police on 101 or contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline now.

This.

Please please reach out for help.