Please pile on!!

[Noelshouseparty]

Hello everyone.

First things first. I'm expecting a ton of abuse. I deserve it for what I'm about to say and ask. I just hope in the midst of it I can find some advice and perspective. Thank you in advance.

I'm a 43 year old man and married for almost 21 years. I never fell in love in with my wife. She had a child when we got together and I got swept along with having a ready made family. We had another child pretty quickly. And from the first night we met I never really left. My boys are my world. They are 23 and 21 now and still at home but have plans to move on with their lives.

I don't love my wife. The last few years as the demands on us have changed with the boys growing up has shown me that we are two very different people.

I don't hate her. But I've wanted to leave for a long time. I'm a coward. I'm the main earner in the house quite significantly. Not that I earn a great deal. She earns very little. If I left it would destroy her. She has few friends. Her family is awful to her and financially I don't know how she'd cope. I use all this as justification to stay out of guilt. It's selfish but I'm increasingly thinking I need to put myself first. I just don't know how. We rent our home and as it's local authority it's pretty cheap. Not sure how I'd cope financially having to rent (probably privately) I'd have nowhere to stay in the mean time as I also have few friends outside of work and my family are nice but at arms length.

I've found that I'm starting to be more distant which causes arguments. Talking through things is not really an option. She gets very angry very quickly. I don't hate her and don't want to destroy her but she should be with someone who loves her and I don't think that's me. I'm very unattractive so its not about finding a new partner as I doubt I ever will, but my mind has been playing tricks on me. A woman in work has been very friendly recently and I've convinced myself there was some connection there but having talked through it with another colleague I can see that it's just a symptom of my unhappiness. Yes she makes comments like "I'll be your mid life crisis affair" or "shall we run off together" etc but I know she's just having a laugh as that's her personality. She doesn't know that I'm often thinking about her.

I feel bloody terrible but I know that doesn't mean anything.

So this is ambit of a vent but also looking for some advice about what I do really. I'll put my crash helmet on!

The advice would be leave. You're not a terrible person. It's a shame she's spent her life with someone who doesn't love her, but I don't think you exactly did it deliberately. Doesn't sound like you've enjoyed it much either so it's sad for both of you.

You need to leave. Do it gently. Don't string her along anymore.

You weren't swept along in anything. You made the decision.

It does not surprise me one bit that only when another women makes a comment like that to you that you suddenly contemplate leaving.

Was it an arranged marriage?

I agree you should leave. It's a waste of both your lives if this is the way you fee. Can she get a better job? Does she work full-time now?

You are a cliche.
You've been dishonest throughout your whole relationship with your wife.
What more is there to say.

No. I can see why that comes across though.

I don't understand the cliche bit but you are right I have been dishonest. I suppose the guilt is just the realisation of that. My own fault.

Thanks. Just to add there's been no sudden reactive impulse to leave for a decade or more really. Selfishly I wanted to stay here with my boys. But certainly worse in recent weeks.

I find it strange that you have stayed for this long but after these comments from your work colleague you now want to leave.

Think about it. Are you just being swept up in these new exciting feelings? Will this die down after a few months and you then realise you made a mistake?

Do you really want to be alone? Your world sounds small.

Is there anything worth saving in your opinion? What about the next chapter in life when your boys have their own children and get married etc. Who will you share that with?

Would you consider marriage counselling?

I feel very sorry for both of you. I can understand why you feel so much guilt. Sometimes life isn't fair. How do you think your sons would take you leaving? That would probably be my biggest concern if I was in your situation. Maybe suggest counselling with her so at least she gets a chance to talk through her options?

Middle aged bloke gets some flirty comments from a work colleague (younger than wife I'd bet) and now wants to leave the marriage because he never loved her. Nothing to do with the ego boost from the female colleague. No really, it really isn't. Pull the other one. You're a cliche as old as time.

Just be honest with your wife - that's all you can do. Say you are unhappy and try and move forward with separating or whatever you need to do.

Please do not get involved with this other woman.

I don't think you should get flamed for staying together for the children because a woman wouldn't be if the roles were reversed, let's face it.

The comments made by my colleague are just a demonstration of how pathetic I have become. Misreading a joke to feel a connection. Nothing to it. Just me being an idiot. I just wanted to show that things have built up on my side. I've felt this way (to varying degrees for a number of years). Yes my world is small, good observation. I'm not overly bothered. Counselling would be a hard sell. I'm not sure how much I could say openly. She's a very emotional person and can be quite difficult to explain things to. Not slagging her off but it's true she gets very very angry quickly. Not sure what counselling would achieve as I'm convinced I don't love her, I don't even think we'd be friends in any other context we don't share anything don't laugh at the same things, I'm constantly putting on an act. Jesus that even stings to write. She'd feel awful if she saw this.

Thanks. Nothing would happen with the woman in work. There's really nothing there at all. Just me being foolish and the two of us off loading a bit about home life. She's not happy either. I've consciously withdrawn from speaking to her and make a point of not talking about relationships etc.

You need to leave but you need to be very very kind about what you say and how you do this, as that is what will make or break her (and your sons will judge you).
I still remember some horrible things an ex fiance said to me 13 years ago when we were breaking up, logically I know he was trying to convince himself I was horrible and he was doing the right thing and I was to blame, but omg those words stung.
DONT blame her. Tell her anything nice that is the truth like she's been a really good wife and is an amazing mother etc, but just say you're not happy and you can't see the two of you having a happy future together and you've made your mind up (she will try to 'bargain' as most people in shock experiencing a loss do but don't make false promises).
Then you need to go. Give her the social housing she needs it with a low wage. You need to rent somewhere else even just a room while you save for somewhere more long term. Chances are you will meet another woman to house you to be honest there are lots of great single professional women I know in their 30s and 40s but please don't string anyone else along just because you're homeless.

Well I'm not convinced she was flirting really she's just a silly soul looking to make everyone laugh. Same age as my wife actually. No ego boost here but not for me to tell you what you think. I understand what you're saying and it's difficult to get over what I'm saying. My life has got away from me, cliche or not and I'm pretty overwhelmed at the moment. Not looking for pity as I'm the bastard in all this, I get that.

Thank you for holding me to account, perhaps this is what I need.

Just a thought - It’s easy to think you never loved someone when perhaps you are having a life crisis. I don’t think you would have built such a long life and great relationships with your sons if there hadn’t have been something there. Negating any love you felt is a symptom of a life crisis - ann unfair one really, towards her - and this may pass.

of course it may not pass. Either way, don’t pretend there never was anything if perhaps that’s not the case.

You’re throwing yourself quite the pity party here. Just leave before you rob her of any more of her life.

I feel sad for both you and your wife. On the positive side, you have managed to negotiate your marriage and brought up two young men. Now that they are adults, you are probably realising just what you've both settled for. Maybe your wife is also unhappy but fears a life alone.

I think counselling, even if you go on your own, will help you talk through your feelings and help you resolve what your options are. You can stay as you are with potentially increasing isolation, separate and see how that goes or leave and start living again.

Your wife deserves to live a happy life and the option of finding someone who loves her. So do you. It's a short life, y'know.

Thanks. I wouldn't say anything mean about her. She isn't perfect (who is), but my desire to leave is to move on not to escape her. I'm very sure I'll spend the rest of my life alone. I have an extremely strong relationship with my sons, I'm the person they go to for emotional support and we are like very close friends so I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. It would simply be the end of me if I lost them.

Unfortunately you are spot on

Is this a reverse.

OP, I think you need to stop imagining yourself as the rescuer who saves your wife from the misery she would feel if you left.

I mean, if by your own description you are very unattractive, and you don't love her and are withdrawn, and there's no rapport between you, and you are very different people, and she gets angry with you at the drop of a hat and doesn't want to know how you feel etc, then it doesn't sound like she is happy in this relationship and she may not love you either? If you got 'swept up in the idea of family' highly likely she did too?

Either way, you don't do her a favour by staying. She's already had twenty years not being loved properly, and as long as you stick around, she's stuck with no possibility of finding anything better than that, growing older all the time (with ever shrinking possibilities the later you leave), being lied to, and more and more stuck in a miserable life. That's no favour.

You may not want to think it, but being out of relationship with you would at least give her the possibility, long term, to create a new chapter for herself.... reboot herself and her life, and open up the possibility of being with someone who honestly loves her.

This is a very good point. It seems unlikely that OP’s wife can have failed to pick up on any of the issues he cites. It’s perfectly possible that she feels the same way.

From what you are saying here it is quite possible that your wife was never been in love with you either, so it is also possible that she has been feeling stuck and wanting to leave for a long time. I had been stuck in my marriage for over two decades and just did not think that leaving was an option, until it was. One day it quite literally dawned on my that I can actually leave. We too are not wealthy and live in social housing, so when we separated we lived together until my ex got a unit for himself. Many people stay in unhappy marriages for multiple reasons and that is ok, but it does not mean that it should be forever. Your boys are grown up now and it will actually be much easier now then when they were young.

Like everyone said, be gentle with your wife, do not say anything to hurt her or blame her, but it is possible that she will make a scene. Do not loose your cool, allow her to feel her feelings. Say something simple, short and to the point, without blaming anyone. I would just say, I am sorry but I am not happy and would like to end our marriage. Good luck op.

Exactly why I posted. Thanks for this. There's obviously more to this that I don't want to share because I don't want people to think I'm trying to blame her but based on things she has done in the past I do worry about her immediate reaction. Food form thought, thanks again.