Please pile on!!

[Noelshouseparty]

Hello everyone.

First things first. I'm expecting a ton of abuse. I deserve it for what I'm about to say and ask. I just hope in the midst of it I can find some advice and perspective. Thank you in advance.

I'm a 43 year old man and married for almost 21 years. I never fell in love in with my wife. She had a child when we got together and I got swept along with having a ready made family. We had another child pretty quickly. And from the first night we met I never really left. My boys are my world. They are 23 and 21 now and still at home but have plans to move on with their lives.

I don't love my wife. The last few years as the demands on us have changed with the boys growing up has shown me that we are two very different people.

I don't hate her. But I've wanted to leave for a long time. I'm a coward. I'm the main earner in the house quite significantly. Not that I earn a great deal. She earns very little. If I left it would destroy her. She has few friends. Her family is awful to her and financially I don't know how she'd cope. I use all this as justification to stay out of guilt. It's selfish but I'm increasingly thinking I need to put myself first. I just don't know how. We rent our home and as it's local authority it's pretty cheap. Not sure how I'd cope financially having to rent (probably privately) I'd have nowhere to stay in the mean time as I also have few friends outside of work and my family are nice but at arms length.

I've found that I'm starting to be more distant which causes arguments. Talking through things is not really an option. She gets very angry very quickly. I don't hate her and don't want to destroy her but she should be with someone who loves her and I don't think that's me. I'm very unattractive so its not about finding a new partner as I doubt I ever will, but my mind has been playing tricks on me. A woman in work has been very friendly recently and I've convinced myself there was some connection there but having talked through it with another colleague I can see that it's just a symptom of my unhappiness. Yes she makes comments like "I'll be your mid life crisis affair" or "shall we run off together" etc but I know she's just having a laugh as that's her personality. She doesn't know that I'm often thinking about her.

I feel bloody terrible but I know that doesn't mean anything.

So this is ambit of a vent but also looking for some advice about what I do really. I'll put my crash helmet on!

I can see why you think that. I'm not going to convince you otherwise. It's been useful though. The few friends I have have been good but their advice is solely on me and what's best for me. This is more balanced as it's strangers debating what is essentially a hypothetical. It's been useful and quite confronting.

First the easy bit. Listen to your friends and put your colleague out of your head. If you are an unattractive married man, it's very likely she sees you as a 'safe' man to befriend and laugh with, thinking there's no way you'd want or think there could be anything else. Second, the hard part. You really should leave your wife for both your sakes. You sound like you have been a good husband and father despite your heart not being in it, and you are entitled to see if there's a better life for you. As is she. Because once things reach the point where you've one foot out of the marriage and there's no love , it only gets worse, for you both.

This is so sad. On so many levels.
All those years she could have been with someone who loved her . No wonder she is angry . I bet she knows . Deep down she must.
When you love someone it's obvious especially when in a relationship. And when you tolerate them for the sake of children that's also obvious.
You stole those years from her.
And I suppose from yourself.
You could have raised kids as friends.
Just tell her, all the money stuff will fit into place eventually. She will cope in a her council house with uc top up.
Better now then in another 20 years !

I was thinking the same. You don’t come across as ‘wet’ to me. You do sound very flat and low in mood.

Sounds utter misery for both of you. Just leave, she's in a council place, she'll get hb if on a low wage. Your kids are adults you can obviously keep up a relationship with them without any difficulty. You may struggle to rent a house alone but try a flat or a houseshare.
Life is too short.

This is actually much more common then you think.

To be clear, has she given up earning potential to raise your kids? A PP said that it was her decision to earn less, so I think it’s worth clarifying exactly what the situation is and how it came about.

Hello. It's complicated. She never really wanted to work. She bounced from job to job in shops/bars for a while and would go on long term sick until she was fired. Then she started to work in a school. It was a compromise as it was part-time but suited our children. She decided to stay there ever since. Has done a.qualification but didn't want to apply for more senior positions. She has recently learned to drive with a view to look at different jobs but now doesn't want to.

I did the same as OP. Filled with regret.

Hahahaha nail on the head. Did you notice all the other shite he wrote first to throw us off the scent? Another POS man that wants us to feel sorry for him and recommend he leaves his wife, isn’t his fault blah blah blah. I bet he had her perform sexual acts on him throughout all these years that he didn’t love her etc.

I think you must hate yourself more than I do. Projecting it on to strangers on a forum designed to discuss relationships. I couldn't care less about people feeling sorry for me. But if dripping poison on discussion forums made you feel better then I'm pleased for you.

Marriage meant to be for life.

I don’t know what’s this I don’t lover her all about.

Very strange of you even thinking of another woman.

Simple logic - if you are not with anyone, do whatever you like.

if you aren’t, close one case before start another.

if you married, forget divorce as an option.

guess these are the comments you are after.

the truth is do whatever you like!

It’s my opinion on something that you asked for an opinion on.

So is it fair to say that if she had wanted to develop a career there would have been enough money for childcare, and you would have been willing to go half on the chores etc?

I mean, if he’s still expecting and getting sex in this scenario despite everything he’s said about his wife then that would be reprehensible, but I’ve sort of been assuming the marriage is sexless based on his detachment.

I would put money on him having initiated sex or sexual contact with her over the years knowing he didn’t love her. But, I’m cynical.

I hope not. That very thought makes my skin crawl.

You don't have to love someone to have sex with them, though it helps to like them. Plus you might have sex in the hope it will lead to love

You do have a responsibility to make sure the person you’re married to knows you don’t love them before they have sex with you IMO.

Yes, I agree. Of course love and sex are not one and the same, but everyone should know the score at least.

Ok, youre not terrible and you're still young but please handle this in a managed way. Your wife can find her way back into work or study, plenty of people do in their 40s. You're not responsible for her forever more but this needs to be discussed openly and the logistics managed also in terms of who lives where in a fair manner. . I think the right thing is thinking about leaving as an option sensibly, not prevented from considering fully by guilt. Perhaps after counselling?

What you definitely should not do is pursue things with this other woman or any other. Not texting, flirting, meeting. Treat your wife with dignity and respect even you don't love her. Please cut this off or back away immediately. Nothing to be gained from a cheap thrill and you can date again when single.

Even as a fulltime man-hater and someone who doesn’t “believe” in step parents, the way you talk about your adult sons makes me a lil emotional. They’re lucky to have you, regardless of your relationship with their mum.

I think PP’s have said everything necessary regarding your wife, but on this subject, you deserve some credit. So many men don’t love their children enough to stay with them, even in an “ideal” family situation. It’s obvious you love your children but also that your relationship is very unhealthy. I don’t think you’re as bad as you think you are- it’s not wet to have feelings.

You don't sound that bad TBH, certainly not deserving of a 'ton of abuse'. Can I ask why you married your wife if you never loved her? Was it arranged? It sounds like you want to save your wife but I think you should save yourself here. Things will probably only get worse. Good luck whatever happens.

You pretended that you loved her for TWO DECADES??

So youve wasted her time and made her live a lie.
It just happened and none of it were your active choice?

I knew starting to read this thar there would be an admission that another woman had turned your head.
Such a cliché. Now you get to rewrite history!

So glad some people can see it the same way I do. He is trying to downplay that part, so why mention it? I’ve commented about hoping he never asked her for sexual contact during those two decades of knowing he didn’t love her, it turns my stomach to think she’s just been plodding along, doing things for him she probably didn’t fancy doing just because it’s her husband and she doesn’t want to let him down and all along he wasn’t in love with her. He paints her like some sad woman but she has a job and could most likely find someone that truly loves her. He wants our sympathy and he’s got mentionitess about the woman at work that isn’t significant, pull the other one. He thinks I must hate myself because of the poison I drip 😂 no mate, I’ve just been used by too many men.