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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please pile on!!

99 replies

Noelshouseparty · 06/03/2025 21:10

Hello everyone.

First things first. I'm expecting a ton of abuse. I deserve it for what I'm about to say and ask. I just hope in the midst of it I can find some advice and perspective. Thank you in advance.

I'm a 43 year old man and married for almost 21 years. I never fell in love in with my wife. She had a child when we got together and I got swept along with having a ready made family. We had another child pretty quickly. And from the first night we met I never really left. My boys are my world. They are 23 and 21 now and still at home but have plans to move on with their lives.

I don't love my wife. The last few years as the demands on us have changed with the boys growing up has shown me that we are two very different people.

I don't hate her. But I've wanted to leave for a long time. I'm a coward. I'm the main earner in the house quite significantly. Not that I earn a great deal. She earns very little. If I left it would destroy her. She has few friends. Her family is awful to her and financially I don't know how she'd cope. I use all this as justification to stay out of guilt. It's selfish but I'm increasingly thinking I need to put myself first. I just don't know how. We rent our home and as it's local authority it's pretty cheap. Not sure how I'd cope financially having to rent (probably privately) I'd have nowhere to stay in the mean time as I also have few friends outside of work and my family are nice but at arms length.

I've found that I'm starting to be more distant which causes arguments. Talking through things is not really an option. She gets very angry very quickly. I don't hate her and don't want to destroy her but she should be with someone who loves her and I don't think that's me. I'm very unattractive so its not about finding a new partner as I doubt I ever will, but my mind has been playing tricks on me. A woman in work has been very friendly recently and I've convinced myself there was some connection there but having talked through it with another colleague I can see that it's just a symptom of my unhappiness. Yes she makes comments like "I'll be your mid life crisis affair" or "shall we run off together" etc but I know she's just having a laugh as that's her personality. She doesn't know that I'm often thinking about her.

I feel bloody terrible but I know that doesn't mean anything.

So this is ambit of a vent but also looking for some advice about what I do really. I'll put my crash helmet on!

OP posts:
BellissimoGecko · 06/03/2025 22:24

You need to leave.

Your wife will be entitled to 50% of all joint assets since it has been a long marriage.

financialcareerstuff · 06/03/2025 22:27

You should not be staying with someone out of fear. You have mentioned her anger, so if you mean that she is abusive if you would fear for yourself, then you can end it without confronting her directly, or with a friend present. I don't have the experience to advise you, but a lot of others on Mumsnet would.

If she is abusive then that is all the more reason to leave. But do it carefully, for your own sake.

Original poster
Noelshouseparty · 06/03/2025 22:35

financialcareerstuff · 06/03/2025 22:27

You should not be staying with someone out of fear. You have mentioned her anger, so if you mean that she is abusive if you would fear for yourself, then you can end it without confronting her directly, or with a friend present. I don't have the experience to advise you, but a lot of others on Mumsnet would.

If she is abusive then that is all the more reason to leave. But do it carefully, for your own sake.

She's not very abusive. A bit controlling maybe but I've allowed it and it's normalised. I'm more worried that she'd harm herself. She has done that before but a long time ago when things werent good between us. I have no doubt she'll go bananas though. But that's fair.

OP posts:
Justhere65 · 06/03/2025 22:36

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 06/03/2025 21:50

You need to leave but you need to be very very kind about what you say and how you do this, as that is what will make or break her (and your sons will judge you).
I still remember some horrible things an ex fiance said to me 13 years ago when we were breaking up, logically I know he was trying to convince himself I was horrible and he was doing the right thing and I was to blame, but omg those words stung.
DONT blame her. Tell her anything nice that is the truth like she's been a really good wife and is an amazing mother etc, but just say you're not happy and you can't see the two of you having a happy future together and you've made your mind up (she will try to 'bargain' as most people in shock experiencing a loss do but don't make false promises).
Then you need to go. Give her the social housing she needs it with a low wage. You need to rent somewhere else even just a room while you save for somewhere more long term. Chances are you will meet another woman to house you to be honest there are lots of great single professional women I know in their 30s and 40s but please don't string anyone else along just because you're homeless.

I don’t think this comment is quite fair. OP has never said he would move in with somebody to avoid being homeless … quite the opposite in fact.
I don’t have any advice except maybe open up to your family for support? If you do leave, I am sure you will do it kindly. Good luck.

tellmesomethingtrue · 06/03/2025 22:40

What have you done to make improvements in your marriage recently?

Loubelou71 · 06/03/2025 22:41

You leaving could be the making of your wife. Shed have to forge a new life so I think it's definitely kinder to let her find happiness. And if you've not been in love with her then I think you need to find happiness too.

Original poster
Noelshouseparty · 06/03/2025 22:42

Loubelou71 · 06/03/2025 22:41

You leaving could be the making of your wife. Shed have to forge a new life so I think it's definitely kinder to let her find happiness. And if you've not been in love with her then I think you need to find happiness too.

I would love to believe she would.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 06/03/2025 22:45

Dude, when it gets to the point where you're navel gazing because your heads been turned. Your relationship is dead in the water.

If you feel guilty about money, then gift her a chunk. It's over, it's time to seperate and make different lives for yourselves.

Forget about the maybe squeeze. The chances you'll be interested when you get your freedom are slim..sort your shit out.

smithey855 · 06/03/2025 22:46

@Noelshouseparty can I firstly say, I think you are very brave posting on here. I don’t mean that in a patronising way at all, I think what you have written comes across as very honest and with a lot of empathy. Unfortunately, an awful lot of the responses on here will be negative towards you and you’ll have to take those comments on the chin.

unless i’ve misread your OP, you’ve wanted to leave for a long time and it’s not just because of the flirty comments from your work colleague?

I think you need to be given praise for sticking with your family, and not wanting to break them up , leaving them vulnerable and in a worse financial position. Husbands and dads are there to protect their family right? And as far as I can see that’s what you’ve done.

I assume your wife doesn’t know how you feel, surely if she felt the same way as you , she would have left the relationship by now? If she has been as unhappy as you she also had the option to walk away, let’s not forget that.

I’m not sure what you are expecting to get from your post if I’m being honest. You either stay or you go. Only you can decide , not a forum
of strangers who for the most part will call you selfish and have misled her for the last 20 odd years.

I think you probably do love her more than you realise , otherwise you wouldn’t be here and you would have left and or had some kind of affair many years ago.

It’s probably too late to talk to her unfortunately, you say you didn’t love her when you met her and you don’t love her now. Whatever you do, and I think it should be to leave, do it in the nicest way possible. It is quite likely she might feel the same but has the same morals and principles as you and is scared to break up the family unit and is also scared of being alone. It may be a relief to her.

You are in my opinion, a prime example of a couple who can remain very good friends after a divorce. Neither of you have done anything wrong; and if you end it, it will be on good terms. You are then free to do as you wish and find respective partners who love each other as they should in a relationship. You children are old enough now to understand the mechanics of a relationship and they probably know that mum and dad aren’t happy. You may even find they are relieved.

Catoo · 06/03/2025 23:30

It sounds to me like you are starting some version of the script. Maybe because a woman gave you some attention at work.

You’re rewriting history to justify leaving your wife. Suggesting you had little choice in dating, getting married to, and raising a family, with your wife.

’Swept along’ for 20+ years? Give us all a break.

All that said, neither of you seem happy. You are both young enough to find new partners and happiness. Speak to her. Tell her you are both unhappy and you think it’s time to go your separate ways.

Gymbunny2025 · 07/03/2025 07:40

smithey855 · 06/03/2025 22:46

@Noelshouseparty can I firstly say, I think you are very brave posting on here. I don’t mean that in a patronising way at all, I think what you have written comes across as very honest and with a lot of empathy. Unfortunately, an awful lot of the responses on here will be negative towards you and you’ll have to take those comments on the chin.

unless i’ve misread your OP, you’ve wanted to leave for a long time and it’s not just because of the flirty comments from your work colleague?

I think you need to be given praise for sticking with your family, and not wanting to break them up , leaving them vulnerable and in a worse financial position. Husbands and dads are there to protect their family right? And as far as I can see that’s what you’ve done.

I assume your wife doesn’t know how you feel, surely if she felt the same way as you , she would have left the relationship by now? If she has been as unhappy as you she also had the option to walk away, let’s not forget that.

I’m not sure what you are expecting to get from your post if I’m being honest. You either stay or you go. Only you can decide , not a forum
of strangers who for the most part will call you selfish and have misled her for the last 20 odd years.

I think you probably do love her more than you realise , otherwise you wouldn’t be here and you would have left and or had some kind of affair many years ago.

It’s probably too late to talk to her unfortunately, you say you didn’t love her when you met her and you don’t love her now. Whatever you do, and I think it should be to leave, do it in the nicest way possible. It is quite likely she might feel the same but has the same morals and principles as you and is scared to break up the family unit and is also scared of being alone. It may be a relief to her.

You are in my opinion, a prime example of a couple who can remain very good friends after a divorce. Neither of you have done anything wrong; and if you end it, it will be on good terms. You are then free to do as you wish and find respective partners who love each other as they should in a relationship. You children are old enough now to understand the mechanics of a relationship and they probably know that mum and dad aren’t happy. You may even find they are relieved.

I agree with this.

It sounds like the reason both have stayed (after kids grew up) is financial. Both will be significantly poorer by being alone. That's not to be underestimated. Especially for OP going from his own (council) house to probably a house share that will cost more. I'm sure it must be very hard to take that final step, especially when things aren't terrible!

Original poster
Noelshouseparty · 07/03/2025 09:51

Gymbunny2025 · 07/03/2025 07:40

I agree with this.

It sounds like the reason both have stayed (after kids grew up) is financial. Both will be significantly poorer by being alone. That's not to be underestimated. Especially for OP going from his own (council) house to probably a house share that will cost more. I'm sure it must be very hard to take that final step, especially when things aren't terrible!

Show quote history

Logistically I've no idea how this could work out!

OP posts:
Notsuchaniceguy · 07/03/2025 11:47

You remind me of me to an extent. Sounds like you can survive in this relationship but it doesn't meet either of your needs to a point where you are "happy"? Like me perhaps you are now thinking you'd be happier alone? It might be that your wife would be as well, even though both of you will be worse off financially. If so, it's an easy decision- separate as amicably as you can, be kind to her and fair and good luck to you both.

The problem might be if she says she's really happy now or not happy but convinced what you have is better than any alternative. And to be fair to her she might be right. If one exists civilly enough most of the time and one has the means to do things one enjoys then giving up those means is arguably not in one's best interest. My wife is firmly in that camp and it makes a lot of sense. For all the people who glibly post "She'll be happier without you", the reality is that a lot of people aren't happier alone and worse off financially, especially if really hard up.

You also get people who say everyone deserves happiness, go find yours or words to that effect. That can be an excuse for selfish behaviour because you may not always deserve happiness at the expense of making someone else unhappier. If someone is abusive and unhappier if you leave then that's fair enough - their awful actions had consequences for them which they deserve. If someone leaves a partner devastated and broken so they can run off with their affair partner to increase their happiness no-one sees that as reasonable.

You two seem somewhere in the middle of those examples and unless you both agree it is best you split because you'll both be happier then whatever decision you make, one of you will feel better and one of you worse when it happens. In an ideal world the one feeling worse feels better later, in the real world that isn't always true. My ex wife who I left because I was a shit (emotional affair) didn't get over the pain and fine someone who loved her as she deserved. Instead she ended up with a new partner who wasn't great and also left her, my kids suffered and she now has a terminal illness. Seeing the devastation I left behind me I wish to Christ I'd stayed and tried to make it work. We may not have loved eachother but we had a functioning life. My Dad left his first wife for my mum - just walked out. My half-sister was left as a young teen with her mum who became profoundly depressed. Huge damage to her and her mum for decades.

Both those examples invoke cheating. Perhaps if I'd not done that but left more kindly my ex would have had a different life. So
I think you should raise your unhappiness now before it takes you to some shit show with someone else. Maybe it is fixable, maybe not. If you at least try your honest best and then leave your guilt will be a lot less.

Chuchoter · 07/03/2025 12:02

Put yourself first.

She chose the path not to earn more or gorge better relationships with her family and make friends etc.

You are not responsible for an adult woman.

Get out and set yourself free. You've raised the boys and they have set off in the big wide world, now it's time for you to free yourself from the chains of a relationship that no longer works and is dragging you both down.

iamnotalemon · 07/03/2025 12:51

Financially it may be a struggle but you either stay together because you're financially better off and live in misery, or you separate.

Your children are grown up.

I think you are getting a rough ride on here compared to the woman who recently posted saying she is staying with her partner for financial reasons.

BlueSkies210 · 07/03/2025 12:56

Thanks. Nothing would happen with the woman in work. There's really nothing there at all. Just me being foolish and the two of us off loading a bit about home life. She's not happy either. I've consciously withdrawn from speaking to her and make a point of not talking about relationships etc

So she has pity parties as well. It’s the script all right.

Original poster
Noelshouseparty · 07/03/2025 13:52

BlueSkies210 · 07/03/2025 12:56

Thanks. Nothing would happen with the woman in work. There's really nothing there at all. Just me being foolish and the two of us off loading a bit about home life. She's not happy either. I've consciously withdrawn from speaking to her and make a point of not talking about relationships etc

So she has pity parties as well. It’s the script all right.

I'm not always the sharpest, what does this mean?

OP posts:
BlueSkies210 · 07/03/2025 14:27

It means you’re having, or thinking about having an affair and as such will say predictable things, which you are.

I know you’re very flattered by the woman at work, particularly as you say you’re very unattractive. You probably feel a bit special that she’s confiding in you about her unhappy marriage.

How do you think some of the other more confident assertive men might have responded to her complaining about her marriage to them?

WakingUpToReality · 07/03/2025 14:53

I'm more worried that she'd harm herself. She has done that before but a long time ago when things werent good between us.

This is concerning. When someone does this, it makes me feel they are being manipulative, in the worst possible way. Is this one of the reasons you have stayed for so long?

Original poster
Noelshouseparty · 07/03/2025 15:00

WakingUpToReality · 07/03/2025 14:53

I'm more worried that she'd harm herself. She has done that before but a long time ago when things werent good between us.

This is concerning. When someone does this, it makes me feel they are being manipulative, in the worst possible way. Is this one of the reasons you have stayed for so long?

It was at the time. Hasn't been something that happened since.

OP posts:
Original poster
Noelshouseparty · 07/03/2025 15:02

BlueSkies210 · 07/03/2025 14:27

It means you’re having, or thinking about having an affair and as such will say predictable things, which you are.

I know you’re very flattered by the woman at work, particularly as you say you’re very unattractive. You probably feel a bit special that she’s confiding in you about her unhappy marriage.

How do you think some of the other more confident assertive men might have responded to her complaining about her marriage to them?

She doesn't really confidenin me. Bit of an open book about her life so I'm not special in any sense.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 07/03/2025 15:10

I don't personally understand why someone would choose to marry and stay married and procreate twice with someone they didn't and never have loved. Without severe familial or cultural pressure. But even then it's a very long time to be 'settling'.

You need to leave and let her find someone who does love her. That's what you would hope she deserves.

Maybe you need to work out what made you choose to spend your life with someone without that key emotion? Did you feel loved by your parents? Have you been in love with a woman before? (Genuine, mutual love, not unreciprocated lust).

You could probably do with speaking to a therapist. But firstly a solicitor.

Original poster
Noelshouseparty · 07/03/2025 18:16

BobbyBiscuits · 07/03/2025 15:10

I don't personally understand why someone would choose to marry and stay married and procreate twice with someone they didn't and never have loved. Without severe familial or cultural pressure. But even then it's a very long time to be 'settling'.

You need to leave and let her find someone who does love her. That's what you would hope she deserves.

Maybe you need to work out what made you choose to spend your life with someone without that key emotion? Did you feel loved by your parents? Have you been in love with a woman before? (Genuine, mutual love, not unreciprocated lust).

You could probably do with speaking to a therapist. But firstly a solicitor.

Edited

It's difficult to explain. As I said in the original post. She had a child when we got together. I fell for the whole package and got very attached to him. He was lovely. Still is, my darling boy. Things just went in from there. Mot much getting to know each other. Not much learning about each other. Life took over and within a few months I was a parent. I moved in and then (as my father was very unwell) decided to get engaged. All quite unceremonious really. We married. My father passed away and then we started to coast. It's difficult to explain. I know I come out of this as a shit head. I've had plenty of "we don't separate, we don't have breaks, you go and you won't see these kids again" etc. Bit by bit I've been more isolated from friends due to rows if I socialise. Lots of things I've allowed to becomes normal by not asserting my needs. Tried my best to encourage her to make friends, go places have fun without me so that we dont live in each others pockets to no avail. Now if I'm honest I'm feeling confused, a bit anxious and resentful to her and myself. Yes this is a pity party but I'm so flat at the moment I can't drag myself out. I can feel the eyes rolling of readers. I'm not quite as wet as this in real life.

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 07/03/2025 18:30

It does a little like you're re-writing history now you're thinking elsewhere...it is a regular occurrence on this board.

SheridansPortSalut · 07/03/2025 18:37

She gets very angry very quickly, you have absolutely no self confidence and you've become distanced from your friends.

Do you think that perhaps you are in an abusive relationship?