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Original poster

Is this Sexual coercion?

99 replies

flippityflips · 06/03/2025 05:47

Hello everyone

I have been seeing a guy for a few months but we have known each other years. We had a few dates the year before. We haven't had sex yet or anything sexual actually.

We went for a walk and shared a few kisses and cuddles. I felt like it went well and enjoyed our time. When I got home, he had messaged me "I thought a little more might have happened. Do you not think that after all these years we should be a little further on?"

I responded with "No I will take it at the pace I feel comfortable, not what I am being told where I should be"

He then text this "I'm not telling you anything so please don't make out I am.
I just don't feel like you want anything to happen which if that's the case that's absolutely fine but just be honest and let me know"

I text this back "I feel like we went to the next step yesterday and things were heading in that direction and it’s not good enough for you"

"It's not that it's just where we were a the other year. I loved it yesterday, just wish there was more. Do you disagree that we were doing the same the other year?"

I feel pressured and to be honest I didn't want to do anything on a walk, I need to end it as I feel uncomfortable now,

OP posts:
Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 05:59

Just woken up and more messages.

He tried to do more but I ended up cutting the walk short. I said I enjoyed the time we spent together. He said "That surprises me if that was the case. Why would you have stopped it if you liked it so much?" 😬

OP posts:
Glorybox2025 · 06/03/2025 06:02

He's not the one for you and you're not the one for him. You want a man who'll wait months for sex and he wants a woman who won't. It's not coercion but it's making you uncomfortable so it's fine to end it.

myplace · 06/03/2025 06:02

he’s unhappy at the rate of progress and is happy to express that.

that could be coercive, but if there hasn’t actually been any progress in a year then I can see he would want to raise that.

SD1978 · 06/03/2025 06:06

So you've been saying for at least 5(ish) mo the, been friends for several years, and still at the hold hands, kiss and cuddle stage. I think most people, male or female would be wondering if there was anything more than friendship there- I would. Whilst the way he's asked is clumsy AF, and would probably have me ending it, the sentiment I feel is fair- if you want a long, more or less Pluto if courtship, I think you need to be honest about that. After what must be a minimum of 4 mo this is assume we'd be more it mate than that, or that the other person would let me k ow why they wanted a much slower start.

GingerGirl4549 · 06/03/2025 06:08

SD1978 · 06/03/2025 06:06

So you've been saying for at least 5(ish) mo the, been friends for several years, and still at the hold hands, kiss and cuddle stage. I think most people, male or female would be wondering if there was anything more than friendship there- I would. Whilst the way he's asked is clumsy AF, and would probably have me ending it, the sentiment I feel is fair- if you want a long, more or less Pluto if courtship, I think you need to be honest about that. After what must be a minimum of 4 mo this is assume we'd be more it mate than that, or that the other person would let me k ow why they wanted a much slower start.

I agree with this. I think he was just genuinely trying to find out where he stood and where it was going

Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 06:11

Thanks everyone. It's been 2 ish months. We have seen each other once every 2 weeks due to our work schedules not aligning at the moment.
I will have a chat with him.

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 06/03/2025 06:17

I don’t think it’s coercion but l do think it’s clumsy wording bordering on the unpleasant. But on the other hand l think he is genuinely perplexed about what is happening.

Genuine question, you say you have known him years, exactly how slow is the pace in which you feel comfortable?

Twiglets1 · 06/03/2025 06:17

I wouldn’t call that coercion.

If you don’t want to do sexual stuff with him maybe you’re not that attracted to him sexually? I think he asked a fair question & is it possible you just want to want him because he feels safe rather than you actually do want a sexual relationship with him?

BlondiePortz · 06/03/2025 06:19

No idea how it's coercion you just want different things

Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 06:24

Themis for the input everyone. We were friends for years, not romantically involved. Its been 2 months and I don't think we are compatible.

He always suggests going for walks. I don't feel comfortable doing anything sexual out in the open. I have suggested going back to one of ours but he always suggests a great walk with a pub close by.

OP posts:
Twiglets1 · 06/03/2025 06:28

flippityflips · 06/03/2025 06:24

Themis for the input everyone. We were friends for years, not romantically involved. Its been 2 months and I don't think we are compatible.

He always suggests going for walks. I don't feel comfortable doing anything sexual out in the open. I have suggested going back to one of ours but he always suggests a great walk with a pub close by.

Strange … what would he say if you invited him round to yours for an evening?

FriendsDrinkBook · 06/03/2025 06:35

I can see your point op. He wants more sexual intimacy , but he insists on having it during a walk or at the pub. I can see why this would make you uncomfortable. I don't understand why he said no to going to his/your house, then complained about only kissing and hugging. Something is off here.

Sherararara · 06/03/2025 06:40

No it’s not coercion it’s called a conversation.
you obviously aren’t on the same page and I suspect never will be. Do him a favour and end it.

Passmetheaero · 06/03/2025 06:42

No way would I be doing more than kissing in a public place. I’d be completely on edge. What does he expect to happen in public? Surely not full sex? Ask him why he doesn’t want to go to one of your houses.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 06/03/2025 07:03

flippityflips · 06/03/2025 06:24

Themis for the input everyone. We were friends for years, not romantically involved. Its been 2 months and I don't think we are compatible.

He always suggests going for walks. I don't feel comfortable doing anything sexual out in the open. I have suggested going back to one of ours but he always suggests a great walk with a pub close by.

That puts a completely different spin on things. Dry humping in a park/pub toilet like a 16 yo wouldn't be a lot of people's idea of "next step".

AnonAnonmystery · 06/03/2025 07:22

I think it wierd he wants to take things further in a park instead of in the privacy of your own homes!
it might be worth mentioning to him that yes you would like to take things further but at home ? Without the chance of getting arrested?

Dillythedallyduck · 06/03/2025 07:24

flippityflips · 06/03/2025 06:24

Themis for the input everyone. We were friends for years, not romantically involved. Its been 2 months and I don't think we are compatible.

He always suggests going for walks. I don't feel comfortable doing anything sexual out in the open. I have suggested going back to one of ours but he always suggests a great walk with a pub close by.

You definitely need to talk to him but this is a bit of a red flag for me, not so much that he wants to go for a walk and to the pub, that's a perfectly nice date, but the fact that what you want to do doesn't really count for much.
I'm guessing that makes you a bit wary and wanting to move slowly?
Plus, why on earth would somebody want to get more sexual on a park bench somewhere ?

Until this last update I agreed with others, he was not unreasonable to ask but you didn't sound compatible. Now I think perhaps you need to have a think about what's holding you back here and whether he's right for you.

Out of interest, why did the dates last year not result in a relationship?

BubbleGumOnShoe · 06/03/2025 07:26

I think that you should be able to take as long as you want, even if that’s flipping 10 years. Honestly I think this is manipulative on his part and yes, I do believe it is coercive. he is trying to make you feel bad and question your own feelings about the pace of things. It doesn’t matter how long it’s taken to anyone else this is indeed an attempt to manipulate you into going at a faster pace. That was your question and this is my answer! It is coercion. This is not the guy for you. To those people who are making comments about this taking a long time I just think that’s unfair. You have no idea what someone might have been through. For people who have suffered abuse or sexual assault for example it can take a really really long time and any kind of pressure can be a huge trigger for emotional shutdown. I don’t know what your background is OP but regardless what it is go at your own pace, not anybody else’s.

JollyZebra · 06/03/2025 07:29

You are clearly uncomfortable with the situation. That'd be enough for me. I would just leave it there before you destroy any friendship you had in the past.

Imbusytodaysorry · 06/03/2025 07:30

Glorybox2025 · 06/03/2025 06:02

He's not the one for you and you're not the one for him. You want a man who'll wait months for sex and he wants a woman who won't. It's not coercion but it's making you uncomfortable so it's fine to end it.

serioisly? It’s screaming coercion!

Imbusytodaysorry · 06/03/2025 07:33

flippityflips · 06/03/2025 06:11

Thanks everyone. It's been 2 ish months. We have seen each other once every 2 weeks due to our work schedules not aligning at the moment.
I will have a chat with him.

please don’t. …..
I am shocked by his pushiness .
You told him you are not ready for sex and yet he pushes.
You have seen him 4 times . Not to add you were out a walk ffs.
His first line of telling you what to think as well when you say how you feel .

Please don’t go anywhere near this one again.
It will end in disaster and you will
be back here for much worse .

Imbusytodaysorry · 06/03/2025 07:36

Twiglets1 · 06/03/2025 06:17

I wouldn’t call that coercion.

If you don’t want to do sexual stuff with him maybe you’re not that attracted to him sexually? I think he asked a fair question & is it possible you just want to want him because he feels safe rather than you actually do want a sexual relationship with him?

You think this guy sounds like someone you are with to feel “safe “ jeeze

Waterlilysunset · 06/03/2025 07:38

No i don’t think it’s coercion and I think he’s handled it really well

mum11970 · 06/03/2025 07:43

Imbusytodaysorry · 06/03/2025 07:30

serioisly? It’s screaming coercion!

Show quote history

Not to me it isn’t.

healthybychristmas · 06/03/2025 07:47

Does he really expect you to be groping him in the park?

I wouldn't feel like kissing anyone who wrote me snippy little messages. He obviously wants more of a sexual relationship and you don't fairly want that with him now so there's no reason to carry on together.