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Original poster

Is this Sexual coercion?

99 replies

flippityflips · 06/03/2025 05:47

Hello everyone

I have been seeing a guy for a few months but we have known each other years. We had a few dates the year before. We haven't had sex yet or anything sexual actually.

We went for a walk and shared a few kisses and cuddles. I felt like it went well and enjoyed our time. When I got home, he had messaged me "I thought a little more might have happened. Do you not think that after all these years we should be a little further on?"

I responded with "No I will take it at the pace I feel comfortable, not what I am being told where I should be"

He then text this "I'm not telling you anything so please don't make out I am.
I just don't feel like you want anything to happen which if that's the case that's absolutely fine but just be honest and let me know"

I text this back "I feel like we went to the next step yesterday and things were heading in that direction and it’s not good enough for you"

"It's not that it's just where we were a the other year. I loved it yesterday, just wish there was more. Do you disagree that we were doing the same the other year?"

I feel pressured and to be honest I didn't want to do anything on a walk, I need to end it as I feel uncomfortable now,

OP posts:
Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 09:25

@FriendsDrinkBook
Thank you. I have a friend I can talk to who doesn't know him. I don't want to make things uncomfortable.

I just need to get my head clear and then process everything.

OP posts:
MrsMariaReynolds · 06/03/2025 09:27

flippityflips · 06/03/2025 08:54

Thank you for all the replies. It's useful to see it's not just me.

@FriendsDrinkBook @Imbusytodaysorry

That's exactly what he is expecting @teenmaw

On the walk, he did push me up against a tree to kiss me and started to touch me. He then went to unzip and I stopped him. We carried on walking and he pointed out a large tree laying down and said this would be a good spot.

Ick. It's giving "fumbles in the park with a boy from school" vibes, definitely not foundation of a mature adult relationship at all.

Honestly, I would just walk away from this one Op. And your friendship history may be forever changed after this situation as well. Sorry 😔

RedCatBlueCatYellowCat · 06/03/2025 09:30

FriendsDrinkBook · 06/03/2025 09:16

@RedCatBlueCatYellowCat he pushed her against a tree. She doesn't owe him a conversation!

I missed that post. But I stand by the general principle. Relationship conversation is best not done by text.

fourelementary · 06/03/2025 09:32

Honestly I’d expect you to have been able to speak more to a man you’ve known for years. I don’t think it was coercive but a bit weird that he declined dates at home where things could have progressed in favour of outdoor stuff. Unless you’re a horny teenager who can’t go home as parents are present, sex or sexual activities outside are a bit grim and cold!! But rather than text I’d have spoken to him at the time.

FWIW I practically forced DH into bed early on in our relationship as I was concerned in case we were more of a friendship that wasn’t going anywhere and I wanted to test the sexual connection was there… he was more than willing, but my point is after the age of 30 I don’t think fannying around wasting each others time on a relationship/friendship that’s going nowhere is really on. So maybe he just doesn’t want to waste time either if it’s a friendship or not even that as the case may be.

GoldDuster · 06/03/2025 09:34

Don't give him any more airtime, he's a vile manipulative boundary pusher, he's not your friend, he's the opposite. He's tried to force you into a position where you're having sex that you don't want, and you feel guilty.

Absolutely not. You can be really clear that you have not done anything wrong, while he on the otherhand is a total unit and ideally wouldn't be allowed near a woman ever again. It's not a massive leap from this, to hanging out in a park and approaching random women because he holds the belief that he is owed sex up against a tree for some reason. Tell whoever you like about this, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

If you come away from an interaction with anyone feeling guilt and shame, something is up.

Imbusytodaysorry · 06/03/2025 09:37

fourelementary · 06/03/2025 09:32

Honestly I’d expect you to have been able to speak more to a man you’ve known for years. I don’t think it was coercive but a bit weird that he declined dates at home where things could have progressed in favour of outdoor stuff. Unless you’re a horny teenager who can’t go home as parents are present, sex or sexual activities outside are a bit grim and cold!! But rather than text I’d have spoken to him at the time.

FWIW I practically forced DH into bed early on in our relationship as I was concerned in case we were more of a friendship that wasn’t going anywhere and I wanted to test the sexual connection was there… he was more than willing, but my point is after the age of 30 I don’t think fannying around wasting each others time on a relationship/friendship that’s going nowhere is really on. So maybe he just doesn’t want to waste time either if it’s a friendship or not even that as the case may be.

I disagee.
It’s best to take your time so you don’t end up in bed with and abuser or creep like this one or both . Even worse one you can get away from .

A few walk and lunch dates over 8 weeks means OP or anyone should put out ?

TwistedWonder · 06/03/2025 09:39

I wouldn’t go as far as it call it coercion yet but he’s definitely pushing your boundaries and trying to guilt trip you into going further on his terms so it’s getting to that.

It might have been 2 months but if you r only seen him a handful of times for a walk, then it’s not exactly to at relationship stage yet.

And he seems to get a thrill fto
outdoor chance of getting g caught sex rather than getting comfortable indoors and things evolving naturally. Pushing you up against a tree and getting g his dick out 🤢

fatphalange · 06/03/2025 09:39

I bet he's into dogging 🤮
He wants your first sexual encounter to be up against a tree in public...creep. I wouldn't want any sex in public.
At first I thought YWBU but your updates suggest he's after someone to join him in his exhibitionism rather than a normal relationship.

GoldDuster · 06/03/2025 09:41

@fourelementary yeah, we're not forcing anyone into bed, up against a tree, wherever, and the key here is that your DH was more than willing, meaning that you didn't force him, you instigated.

Making light of forced sex as a reply to a poster who is clearly strugling because she's been pushed up against a tree by a man who unzipped his fly to get his dick out isn't progressive and modern. One person's fannying around is another person's not wanting to have sex with someone who isn't fully consenting. This is really basic stuff, it's 2025.

Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 10:06

@Imbusytodaysorry

Thanks that's exactly how I was feeling. He doesn't seem to take my feelings into account.

@fatphalange yes I wouldn't be surprised!

If we had been at one of our homes, it may have been completely different. Outside I feel on edge constantly.

OP posts:
MrBallensWife · 06/03/2025 10:07

I was going to say I don't see anything wrong in what he said.Then I saw the bit about suggesting outdoor 'activities' and trying to push you up a tree,how old is he? 15??
No Op,throw this one back...

DaisyChain505 · 06/03/2025 10:13

You’ve only been seeing each other romantically for two months and haven’t seen each other that frequently during that time.

I think he is just insecure as to if you like him in that way. Try being more vocal about how you feel to reassure him.

If you feel something is there I wouldn’t write it off as being incompatible because he likes walks to the pub. He may be doing this so you don’t feel pressured to go straight into hanging out in each others home which could feel more there’s more pressure to lead to sexual things.

LyingSmilingInTheDark · 06/03/2025 10:16

I had the ick from your first post because I was getting a sense of aggrieved entitlement from the description of him which would put me right off.

I don't want a man who thinks he's entitled to sex due to the passage of (pretty short) time. Nor someone whose focus when we're first together is on all the things I'm not doing for him as opposed to "wow, I can't believe I get to be with her" (as I would want to be feeling for them).

Your updates re his pushing to have sex outside and actively refusing offers to hang out at home absolutely seals for me that this man is a self-absorbed idiot focused on a little fantasy scenario in which you are a bit player (and not playing your role as he envisaged - how very dare you) rather than you as a person.

Bin.

AnonAnonmystery · 06/03/2025 10:16

JoyousEagle · 06/03/2025 09:13

I think you should have put that he tried to get his dick out in a park in the OP. It paints a very different picture of the kind of sexual relationship he's after.

Show quote history

Yes this is true so I completely retract my comment from earlier.

Imbusytodaysorry · 06/03/2025 10:18

DaisyChain505 · 06/03/2025 10:13

You’ve only been seeing each other romantically for two months and haven’t seen each other that frequently during that time.

I think he is just insecure as to if you like him in that way. Try being more vocal about how you feel to reassure him.

If you feel something is there I wouldn’t write it off as being incompatible because he likes walks to the pub. He may be doing this so you don’t feel pressured to go straight into hanging out in each others home which could feel more there’s more pressure to lead to sexual things.

Do you really perceive things this way?
No he wants sec he is pushing for it and he wants it outside. .

Daleksatemyshed · 06/03/2025 10:20

Some people find outdoor sex more exciting because of the risk of someone seeing you, it's fine if you both like that but he's trying to force you into it, it would explain his refusal to go to your home. I'd end this Op unless you want to spend years creeping around in hedgerows

TwistedWonder · 06/03/2025 10:22

It never fails to amaze me that on 2025 there’s still women out there thinking it’s all on us ladies to reassure the men and speak to them gently about them pushing us into sex.

These are grown adult men who absolutely know they’re pushing boundaries not horny teenagers.

Women are not put on earth to train badly behaved men ffs

fourelementary · 06/03/2025 10:24

Imbusytodaysorry · 06/03/2025 09:37

I disagee.
It’s best to take your time so you don’t end up in bed with and abuser or creep like this one or both . Even worse one you can get away from .

A few walk and lunch dates over 8 weeks means OP or anyone should put out ?

Show quote history

She’s known him for years! And clearly their communication has been shit so how is taking her time working out for her now?

Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 10:24

@MrBallensWife no mid 30's Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 10:26

@fourelementary yes as part of a friendship group.

OP posts:
Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 10:27

@fourelementary

So dating for 2months but friendship for a few years means I have to have sex with him outside. Mind blowing

OP posts:
fourelementary · 06/03/2025 10:29

GoldDuster · 06/03/2025 09:41

@fourelementary yeah, we're not forcing anyone into bed, up against a tree, wherever, and the key here is that your DH was more than willing, meaning that you didn't force him, you instigated.

Making light of forced sex as a reply to a poster who is clearly strugling because she's been pushed up against a tree by a man who unzipped his fly to get his dick out isn't progressive and modern. One person's fannying around is another person's not wanting to have sex with someone who isn't fully consenting. This is really basic stuff, it's 2025.

Edited

To be fair- the “pushed up against a tree” stuff only came out via drip feed in the thread- it wasn’t the original focus at all. In fact the subsequent sex stuff wasn’t in the OP. What was in it is that she’s known this man for years. They’ve been here before (kissing and cuddling) over a year ago. It’s now back to this stage and he’s trying to move it forward (albeit weirdly) and I don’t see how that in itself is coercive or wrong. What is wrong is not being able to hold a conversation with someone you’ve known for years- why not, when being turned down for a visit to each others houses and asked for a walk- did the OP not just say “listen- if we want to move things forward in the bedroom department then we need a bedroom- outdoor sex doesn’t do it for me” instead of this weird texting back and forth and then blocking!!! Unless they are actually teenagers which would explain a lot.

DaisyChain505 · 06/03/2025 10:33

I missed the part where he pushed you against a tree and tried unzipping trousers. This isn’t ok and I retract my previous statement!

Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 10:33

@fourelementary yes I apologised for the drip feed.

We have spoken and I have said about going back to one of our houses. He then suggested just going for a walk to a pub for lunch. We are two months in but not seeing each other often, so I agreed. I wasn't expecting him to push sex on the walk or agreed to what happened on the walk.

OP posts:
Bourbonbonbon · 06/03/2025 10:35

You left crucial info out of your op! Your answers will be useless unless posters have read the updates. This is not about you. It's about his personal kink. Don't have anything more to do with him. And yes he absolutely was coercive.