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Original poster

Is this Sexual coercion?

99 replies

flippityflips · 06/03/2025 05:47

Hello everyone

I have been seeing a guy for a few months but we have known each other years. We had a few dates the year before. We haven't had sex yet or anything sexual actually.

We went for a walk and shared a few kisses and cuddles. I felt like it went well and enjoyed our time. When I got home, he had messaged me "I thought a little more might have happened. Do you not think that after all these years we should be a little further on?"

I responded with "No I will take it at the pace I feel comfortable, not what I am being told where I should be"

He then text this "I'm not telling you anything so please don't make out I am.
I just don't feel like you want anything to happen which if that's the case that's absolutely fine but just be honest and let me know"

I text this back "I feel like we went to the next step yesterday and things were heading in that direction and it’s not good enough for you"

"It's not that it's just where we were a the other year. I loved it yesterday, just wish there was more. Do you disagree that we were doing the same the other year?"

I feel pressured and to be honest I didn't want to do anything on a walk, I need to end it as I feel uncomfortable now,

OP posts:
FriendsDrinkBook · 06/03/2025 07:50

@healthybychristmas I think he does. I read it as him wanting to do it in the park and he got pissed off because op isn't into that.

Glorybox2025 · 06/03/2025 07:57

Imbusytodaysorry · 06/03/2025 07:30

serioisly? It’s screaming coercion!

Show quote history

No it's not. He sounds like an oddball TBH with the further info from the OP but he was asking if she wants to take it further with him and wants to know if it's heading towards a sexual relationship or not. He's not trying to coerce her into sex.

Voyager54 · 06/03/2025 08:03

As others have said OP this is the end.

Constant messaging is red flag.

CagneyNYPD1 · 06/03/2025 08:03

I think it is absolutely fine, 2 months in, to have a discussion about where things are going.

But how does he think the intimacy will increase if all you ever do is go for walks and to the pub? A fumble on a park bench? A blow job behind the bar?

Surely you need to spend time on your own together in private.

Talk to him @flippityflips but my gut feeling here is that this may well be a non starter.

LittleGreenDragons · 06/03/2025 08:06

I have suggested going back to one of ours but he always suggests a great walk with a pub close by.

He wants closer intimacy - fair enough.

He doesn't want to go to either home - 😬

teenmaw · 06/03/2025 08:07

There's no coercion here IMO, there's some punchy investigation but there's not any threat or insinuation of consequences. He doesn't even say he wants sex and let's face it is he likely to be implying he wants to do it in a bloody country lane? I take it he means he expected some more spark to be flying and he's bluntly asking where he stands. Ultimately you're not comfortable with him and you need to nip that idea in the bud

Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 08:54

Thank you for all the replies. It's useful to see it's not just me.

@FriendsDrinkBook @Imbusytodaysorry

That's exactly what he is expecting @teenmaw

On the walk, he did push me up against a tree to kiss me and started to touch me. He then went to unzip and I stopped him. We carried on walking and he pointed out a large tree laying down and said this would be a good spot.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 06/03/2025 09:04

flippityflips · 06/03/2025 08:54

Thank you for all the replies. It's useful to see it's not just me.

@FriendsDrinkBook @Imbusytodaysorry

That's exactly what he is expecting @teenmaw

On the walk, he did push me up against a tree to kiss me and started to touch me. He then went to unzip and I stopped him. We carried on walking and he pointed out a large tree laying down and said this would be a good spot.

He sounds like a creep and /or a sex pest and I am no “prude”

Superscientist · 06/03/2025 09:06

Nuance is key. In isolation I wouldn't say they were coercion but clumsy way of broaching a subject about sex.
On the context of his actions and only wanting sex on his terms and being pushy on the date I would say that the messages are heading in the direction of coercion.
Out of context he's asking about whether this is the time for the relationship to move out of the friend zone and increase in intimacy. In the context of what happened on the date its more I wanted sex in the park why wouldn't you do that for me. Intimacy should be a conversation, I'd like to move to a sexual relationship is the start of a conversation. Why won't you have sex with me in the park is more demanding.

Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 09:07

@BubbleGumOnShoe

Thank you for this. It sums it up completely. I do feel wary due to my past and things just don't feel quite right which is why I have slowed the pace. Some people may feel comfortable having sex outside but I certainly don't at the moment, especially the first time together.

I will try and call him later and explain that things won't be going any further.

OP posts:
FriendsDrinkBook · 06/03/2025 09:08

So he assaulted you then tried to blame you? I'm sorry op.

FriendsDrinkBook · 06/03/2025 09:10

@flippityflips don't call him. He doesn't deserve that. Just text and block. He's a pushy pos and if you give him the opportunity to talk his way out of it he'll certainly take it.

RedCatBlueCatYellowCat · 06/03/2025 09:11

Don't do relationship conversation via text. Have a conversation. If it isn't meant to be, you will find out a lot more quickly that way.

Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 09:11

@FriendsDrinkBook that's very true. I will put a message together and sending it in a bit. He is probably sleeping from the night shift.

OP posts:
JoyousEagle · 06/03/2025 09:13

flippityflips · 06/03/2025 08:54

Thank you for all the replies. It's useful to see it's not just me.

@FriendsDrinkBook @Imbusytodaysorry

That's exactly what he is expecting @teenmaw

On the walk, he did push me up against a tree to kiss me and started to touch me. He then went to unzip and I stopped him. We carried on walking and he pointed out a large tree laying down and said this would be a good spot.

I think you should have put that he tried to get his dick out in a park in the OP. It paints a very different picture of the kind of sexual relationship he's after.

GoldDuster · 06/03/2025 09:14

On the walk, he did push me up against a tree to kiss me and started to touch me. He then went to unzip and I stopped him. We carried on walking and he pointed out a large tree laying down and said this would be a good spot.

The only thing that would have been a good spot for would be to tell him you never want to see him again, and to stop trying to pressurise you into having sex. You need to be very very clear with this man, he is a boundary pusher and he will make whatever he forces upon you your fault.

If you're still in any doubt, he is a clear wrong'un, this doesn't feel right because it is not. Don't see him again, it won't end well and I worry that you don't seem to have the internal gague which tells you that this is not ok OP?

No33 · 06/03/2025 09:14

He is gross OP. Two months is nothing, he has no right even after 2 years to try and push you into anything.

I'm so sorry that he sexually assaulted you.

Please block him and move on.

Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 09:15

@healthybychristmas

That's what I thought, they were snippy little comments. Then I started questioning my own thoughts about it all and feeling guilty that it hasn't progressed to sex. Then it made it made really uncomfortable

OP posts:
FriendsDrinkBook · 06/03/2025 09:16

@RedCatBlueCatYellowCat he pushed her against a tree. She doesn't owe him a conversation!

rwalker · 06/03/2025 09:16

After 5 months I’d be thinking it was going nowhere and I was wasting my time

he asked so he knew where he stood and if it was worth investing anymore time

personally if I was him I’d feel like I was being strung along

nether of you are wrong you both have different expectations end it

Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 09:18

@rwalker I haven't ever said 5 months? I have said 2 months

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 06/03/2025 09:18

flippityflips · 06/03/2025 09:15

@healthybychristmas

That's what I thought, they were snippy little comments. Then I started questioning my own thoughts about it all and feeling guilty that it hasn't progressed to sex. Then it made it made really uncomfortable

He's a wrong un. He's manipulated you into feeling guilty that you didn't let him force himself upon you sexually in a bush.

Stay away from him OP, this is really clear. You haven't done anything wrong and that bad feeling you've got? That's you, knowing that this is not something you shoudl be involved in, and trying to keep yourself safe.

It is a really important valid feeling, listen to it.

GoldDuster · 06/03/2025 09:19

@rwalker you'd feel like you were being strung along so what, you'd push someone against a tree and unzip your fly?

FriendsDrinkBook · 06/03/2025 09:23

@flippityflips please ignore the people that haven't read your posts. You've done nothing wrong and didn't deserve this behaviour from him. I hope you're okay and have people irl to confide in.

Original poster
flippityflips · 06/03/2025 09:23

@GoldDuster

Thank you, it's so hard when you are involved and trying to think clearly. There's been several phone calls this morning. I'm going to block once I sent the message.

OP posts: