Is this Sexual coercion?

[flippityflips]

Hello everyone

I have been seeing a guy for a few months but we have known each other years. We had a few dates the year before. We haven't had sex yet or anything sexual actually.

We went for a walk and shared a few kisses and cuddles. I felt like it went well and enjoyed our time. When I got home, he had messaged me "I thought a little more might have happened. Do you not think that after all these years we should be a little further on?"

I responded with "No I will take it at the pace I feel comfortable, not what I am being told where I should be"

He then text this "I'm not telling you anything so please don't make out I am.
I just don't feel like you want anything to happen which if that's the case that's absolutely fine but just be honest and let me know"

I text this back "I feel like we went to the next step yesterday and things were heading in that direction and it’s not good enough for you"

"It's not that it's just where we were a the other year. I loved it yesterday, just wish there was more. Do you disagree that we were doing the same the other year?"

I feel pressured and to be honest I didn't want to do anything on a walk, I need to end it as I feel uncomfortable now,

@fourelementary my head feels like cotton wool trying to process everything. So I apologise if it all wasn't clear in my original post.

@Bourbonbonbon yes I realise that now. I'm just struggling to process everything. It's really confused me and I felt guilty for not going further but I didn't want to

Don’t feel guilty for keeping your boundaries and don’t ever feel you have to do anything you’re not comfortable with just to please a man.

He’s communicating with you. It seems like you are expecting him to be reading your mind. You seem to be upset at his being open about intimacy and sex.

He’s telling you what’s he’s thinking, it’s not coercion.

Presented with the additional information l unreservedly do a U turn on my earlier comments. Yes this is coercion. It is also strange behaviour.

When and how are men (especially the next generation) going to be properly taught about consent and respectful communication to women about sex. It is 2025 and I’m dismayed still at how far we still need to go. How is it going to happen? I have a son and daughter and you can bet I’m having these conversations with them.

Op your update, how old is he for God's sake, maybe young teenagers would act like this as having no were to go for a little grope how wrong of him to assume this behaviour was OK, wow op, stay strong,

@Omgblueskys mid 30s 😵‍💫

@TwistedWonder thanks, my guy was telling me something wasn't right. Definitely the reason I have held back

🤢yep your gut was right,

Yeah the update was definitely pivotal and does change my opinion as this does sound like a scary, threatening position to be in. I agree you're doing the right thing blocking this man and having nothing more to do with him

Fade him out, he's too pushy. He'll be wanting an all-nighter next!

Bless you. Sounds like you’re definitely better off just ending things. He’s not a good friend OR boyfriend. You’ve done nothing wrong but maybe moving forward try to communicate face to face and in the moment - be clear about what you do and don’t want in a relationship. In your 30s you don’t need bull shit and to be wasting your time with weirdos!!

Thank you everyone for all the advice

He thinks you should regard this as a long relationship because you’ve known him socially.

There’s something really wrong with him trying to get his dick out in public and trying to push you into sex in a public space. His texts about it were manipulative and coercive.

Sex in public places is a crime and I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he had a history of offending. Just end it, and don’t tell him why. Say you’re not ready for a relationship or something. Don’t give him feedback, it’s basically giving him free relationship coaching. Let him be just as gross with the next woman.

Do not meet up with him again. You’re not safe from him even in a public space.

@BlueSkies210

Thanks for your reply. This is it, seeing someone is different to a friendship. You really start to get to know them. I didn't like what I saw.

I'm glad others have said how I felt about the texts as I thought I was going mad. I definitely don't want sex in public places.

He’s a dirty cheeky bastard. After he’s tried to get his dick out in public he had the audacity to message you to complain he’s disappointed nothing more happened. He has zero awareness or fucks that his behaviour was inappropriate, coercive and actually criminal.

The guys a walking red flag with zero boundaries. He would have been arrested had anyone reported him.

I personally wouldn’t do walks as a date. But now you know why he kept insisting on walks, because he’s got a fetish. Don’t be part of this. Get rid of him, he sounds dangerous and disgusting.

Update!

Thank you for all the advice. I blocked him, gave no explanation at all.

He turned up at my house today. I didn't answer. I have had 18 phone calls from a withheld numbers which I have ignored. I'm hoping it all goes quiet.

Well done Op, I can't imagine you'll regret this

Thanks for the update. I know this'll be the last thing you wish to do but you should probably send one last message telling him that you don't wish to see him again. Then re block him.

The reason for this is that the police often expect you to have made it 100% clear that you want to be left alone before they step in. And unfortunately , you may need them to.

As for the ex , he is probably shitting himself and wants to know that you won't report him for sexual assault.

@FriendsDrinkBook ah yes I didn't think of that. I will send something this evening.

Hopefully you have friends and family nearby to help you feel and stay safe. I don't mean to frighten you but his behaviour could indicate trouble for you in the future if he keeps going. Possibly keep a written record of his appearances at your house and screenshots of the phonecalls.

Please be vigilant. Hopefully he's just momentarily worried and also pissed off that you won't talk to him , but you can't be too careful.

Sorry to go on op. A close relative went through similar and these are things that helped her.

Oh come on, that was a bit of a drip feed.
Do you really mean to tell us that he only wants sex outdoors?
Anyway, it's not coercion and he has done nothing wrong.
It's fine for you to dump him though, as I don't think you're compatible.