My exes new partner has been stalking me online for their entire relationship

[ThatNewAquaBeaker]

As per the title really……

my ex partner left me 18 months ago out of the blue with all the very vague “somethings missing” lines etc and basically said I wanted marriage and a family and he couldn’t give that to me but he now “needed to go and find a mother and wife”…….. I had no idea anything was wrong and I utterly adored him so I took it really really hard, especially as he had told my friends and family he was going to marry me, we were I the process of leaving our rented flat to buy a house together and had picked out baby names - I have to add, most of these conversations were brought up by him, it’s not like I was a pressurising bunny boiler……he was the love of my life.

anyway, as the script typically goes, 3 months later some 18 year younger ‘girl’ turns up and as far as I’m aware it’s all been holidays, fancy restaurants, same bars, same places…….it basically like I’ve been cut and pasted from his life. He sees me at work and dives into the nearest cupboard when he sees me, even now after all this time. He’s now 45 and honestly I think had a midlife crisis over things getting real because before all this we were the couple people were jealous of.

Anyway…..despite the trauma, panic attacks etc I’ve picked myself up. Got ridiculously fit at the gym, lost 10kgs, continued the post grad masters course I had just started when he left me and bagged a 30K payrise so I’m doing pretty okay considering - in fact, I’m pretty much smashing it.

However, since he met this new person I’ve noticed weird things going on my social media throughout. Odd burner accounts, weird friend requests etc. This has now been going on for a year. The other day curiosity got the better of me and I googled the name of one of these strange accounts and a business phone number popped up on the results. Curious, I added the number to my contacts to try and figure out who it was and lo and behold, WhatsApp brought up her photo. I felt utterly sick knowing she’s been creeping on me all this time. At the same time, I have been thinking WHY?? If it was all sunshine and rainbows she wouldn’t feel the need to do this. Especially over such a long period of time?

I sent a WhatsApp to her saying something along the lines of “Hi, I’m sure this is really embarrassing for you but you really don’t need to creep around with fake accounts. If there is anything you want to know or ask I am an open book”. She denied it all, pretended to not know who I was and gave some crap excuse about her account being taken over by some spam that has just so happening to stalk my social media. Yeah right!

People at work have been commenting on his behaviour around me at work and how it is all so very weird……what on earth is going on?

How can someone you loved and clicked with for so long turn into an unrecognisable wanker overnight and seemingly not care about you? Why is he still behaving the way he does if he doesn’t care? And why on earth is this 18 year younger woman who seems to think she has won a prize acting like this?

I know it’s not universally accepted on this forum for reconciliation/wanting people back etc but I do want to go this route if I can because I honestly believe he’s thrown everything away and will one day have a HUGE realisation he’s screwed up.

Thoughts, comments, ideas of what to do next, much appreciated.

Please be kind x

You want him back? Was all the work at the gym done for him?

I have no idea why you contacted that woman nor why you're following him on social media nor why you want that toad back.

He completely stabbed you in the back and had an affair. He showed you nothing but disrespect and you want that back in your life?

I really suggest working on your self esteem and blocking him.

@ThatNewAquaBeaker i think your hoping it means he talks about you all the time to her so she is insecure. It could be that, but unlikely. If he was pining over you he wouldn’t be discussing with her. It’s probably she’s just curious! Who isn’t curious over people exs. Don’t assign it any meaning and try and move on.

She's obviously paranoid about you.

I was going to suggest you do exactly what you went on to do - contact her and offer to answer any questions she might have!

I'd add "if you need help with any 'issues', if anything's begun worrying you, I'll let you know how I handled them and managed his behaviour ..." 🤣

Poor kid ... Before she's out of her thirties she'll be with an OAP.

Keep up the gym, look fantastic and be having a great time. Elsewhere.

My theory is that he cheated with her and she knew all about it. As she knows him to be a cheat, she is (rightly) insecure. She will know that you had a serious relationship. Their significant age gap won't be helping the insecurity either, nor will the fact that you're doing very well for yourself. Her problem. Not your monkeys anymore. Leave them to it. Block, block, block and focus on yourself.

The woman my ex cheated with did this to me, even up to ten years after the break up which is now. Fake accounts that linked back to her, weird friend requests etc. My social media is locked down but I did have a smile thinking how little she must trust him.

Why would you want him back? He traded you in for the younger model so that is never going to happen.

Delete him from your social media, ignore her (she is just curious) and go find someone new.

He feels guilty so he does his cowardly dives. Probably because he cheated on you before dumping you. Or because he knows/assumes you’re still hung up on him and wants to avoid you. He sounds pathetic. And, OP, you would be pathetic to want him back.

I’d email back and let her know that these accounts have all been traced back to her work IP and suggest she gets some help.

You do realise that "IF" you had him back it would never be the same?
Despite all the work you've done to get over him you haven't, have you?
Draw a line under all this and move on.

It’s ok to want him to want you back. Sounds like you are living your best life.

I understand the hurt you must feel when he ripped your future away. And if revenge is what you need to get yourself together and keep moving forward then do it. Let him see you thrive and regret his decision. You can be safe in the knowledge that his current relationship won’t last. Once the honeymoon period is over he is left with a teenager with no life experience (and her stalking behaviour shows her to be insecure and immature). Once she is in her twenties he’ll be in his 50s. She’s dump him eventually. And in the meantime you can find someone who deserves you and can give you what he couldn’t.

As others have said, if you took him back it wouldn’t be the same. You would never be able to trust him again and you deserve more than waiting for him to betray you again.

Good luck, you’ve got this!

he is left with a teenager with no life experience

I don’t think the ex’s new partner is 18 - the op says she is 18 years younger.

This.

What a pair of arsewipes. Give both of them a wide berth. You really don’t want anything to do with either of them.

If you're going to do this, make sure you copy him in!
Honestly though Op, I think he left you for her, maybe there was overlap maybe there wasn't, but she is terribly insecure about this.
She can also see you are absolutely bossing it, and is probably intimidated and threatened by you. She can perhaps sees he's a bit of a coward / spineless and that is hardly reassuring.
As for him, if he doesn't want to be with you anymore but you work in the same place, it kind of makes sense he would go out of his way to avoid you. Particularly if his gf is giving him a hard time with insecurity at home.
It must be hard to move on when you see him / work near him.
It sounds like you've worked on your body and your career to great effect. Next step is to work on your mind and emotions to help you move on from this man. If he wanted you he'd be with you, but he has given no indication from what you've said here that he is remotely interested in rekindling.
So take all that energy you're wasting on thinking about them, and put it into healing yourself. Some therapy might help you process it.
Once you let go of him, you open yourself up for welcoming someone better into your life ❤️

He probably wants you back and she knows this. He’s realised he’s made an awful mistake but he doesn’t want to be alone so he continues with his current relationship.

if you want him back then talk to him and see if you can work through it honestly but remember he’s done it once, he may do it again.

my bil did this to my sil thirty years ago and sil went all out to save her marriage and got her man back after about a year. Lots of us thought she was mad but it worked and they are happy.

You're obsessing over him and letting this obsession control your life. You need to move on, not message his new partner, no matter what you think she's done. She is not the problem here.

Sounds like your life is pretty sorted now. I would block and ignore them both, shut down your SM and crack on with your own life xx

Look forwards not backwards. Why on earth would you waste your life hanging out for a man who’s already lied and cheated?

Maybe going against the grain but I think you messaging his gf is a bit embarrassing tbh. It makes you look like you’re bothered about her and it’s all quite childish.

You say you’ve made great strides to improve yourself so yes this to improve your self esteem and stop waiting for a man who has already shown you who he is

You want a man back who dumped you for an 18 year old? Come on op know your worth - it is much more than this loser!

You don't want him back. Honestly. He's never going to change his stripes and you'll forever be worried he's going to bail when things get tough. Which they do as you get older and especially if you go on to have children.

Just leave it in the past where it belongs. If you weren't colleagues you'd be well over him by now.

I couldn’t imagine taking someone back who had publicly humiliated me. The relationship will not revert back to what it was before and you’ll be spending your days on egg shells, terrified he’s going to do the same again.

Find a therapist to talk this through with.

That is odd, but it's not stalking if she's looking at anything public on your socials, obviously if she starts lurking outside your house or approaching you in person tell someone about that. Your ex is just behaving like an ex; he does not have to communicate with you, in fact a no contact zone is healthier. It sounds like you are heart-broken and have not processed that yet. We often see exes through rose-tinted-glasses when we mourn them; all the good stuff floats to the top. Sit down today and write down everything you did not like about that man, every terrible thing he said and did, and put that on your phone notes and pull it up every time you think you want him back. I'd also suggest getting a job somewhere else; you are torturing yourself by seeing him every day. As for his current girlfriend; she sounds emotionally vulnerable, as do you. He obviously likes his women that way, which is not a great virtue in a man. See a therapist if you can, but please do not approach her again.

I wondered about that, as he left so abruptly. He monkey-branched, I reckon... a real insecure one, best throw that one back!

So you think that she thinks she has 'won a prize' and you think this because you want the prize?

He is not a bull! Neither of you appear to have much self respect really so I would work on this first

He avoids you either because he doesn't want to interact with you, or because his girlfriend is so paranoid she's made him promise to avoid you at all costs.

This man is not the man you fell in love with. He discarded you. Even if he decides now that he prefers you to her, how long will it be before something new and shiny comes along?

Most women have had this happen a few times. Men don't tend to think realistically too far ahead and are very easily swayed by younger women. Men don't really understand psychology on the whole or understand the benefits of sticking with someone and building more depth and connection - the kids that eat the marshmallow before the 2min timer runs out and they get 2. Yes yes not all men etc but a large enough majority for this to be part for the course for women. The 18yo has a conscience and also sounds insecure. She's likely seen how easily he dumped you and is now worried he might do that to her and seeing if she can prevent that by finding flaws. She knows you're fully formed and she's basically a kid playing grown up. Makes me so cross that this is what Men go for tbh.

No OP! Please don't look back. Things will never be the same: how could you ever trust him again ? And how could you possibly have any respect for this person who just dropped you for a younger model with no thoughts about the hurt it would cause you. You lost some weight, you are earning big bucks, you're intelligent: you're a catch!! Get out dating instead of thinking about this miserable twat who does not deserve to even be on your radar.