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Original poster

My exes new partner has been stalking me online for their entire relationship

100 replies

ThatNewAquaBeaker · 03/03/2025 23:24

As per the title really……

my ex partner left me 18 months ago out of the blue with all the very vague “somethings missing” lines etc and basically said I wanted marriage and a family and he couldn’t give that to me but he now “needed to go and find a mother and wife”…….. I had no idea anything was wrong and I utterly adored him so I took it really really hard, especially as he had told my friends and family he was going to marry me, we were I the process of leaving our rented flat to buy a house together and had picked out baby names - I have to add, most of these conversations were brought up by him, it’s not like I was a pressurising bunny boiler……he was the love of my life.

anyway, as the script typically goes, 3 months later some 18 year younger ‘girl’ turns up and as far as I’m aware it’s all been holidays, fancy restaurants, same bars, same places…….it basically like I’ve been cut and pasted from his life. He sees me at work and dives into the nearest cupboard when he sees me, even now after all this time. He’s now 45 and honestly I think had a midlife crisis over things getting real because before all this we were the couple people were jealous of.

Anyway…..despite the trauma, panic attacks etc I’ve picked myself up. Got ridiculously fit at the gym, lost 10kgs, continued the post grad masters course I had just started when he left me and bagged a 30K payrise so I’m doing pretty okay considering - in fact, I’m pretty much smashing it.

However, since he met this new person I’ve noticed weird things going on my social media throughout. Odd burner accounts, weird friend requests etc. This has now been going on for a year. The other day curiosity got the better of me and I googled the name of one of these strange accounts and a business phone number popped up on the results. Curious, I added the number to my contacts to try and figure out who it was and lo and behold, WhatsApp brought up her photo. I felt utterly sick knowing she’s been creeping on me all this time. At the same time, I have been thinking WHY?? If it was all sunshine and rainbows she wouldn’t feel the need to do this. Especially over such a long period of time?

I sent a WhatsApp to her saying something along the lines of “Hi, I’m sure this is really embarrassing for you but you really don’t need to creep around with fake accounts. If there is anything you want to know or ask I am an open book”. She denied it all, pretended to not know who I was and gave some crap excuse about her account being taken over by some spam that has just so happening to stalk my social media. Yeah right!

People at work have been commenting on his behaviour around me at work and how it is all so very weird……what on earth is going on?

How can someone you loved and clicked with for so long turn into an unrecognisable wanker overnight and seemingly not care about you? Why is he still behaving the way he does if he doesn’t care? And why on earth is this 18 year younger woman who seems to think she has won a prize acting like this?

I know it’s not universally accepted on this forum for reconciliation/wanting people back etc but I do want to go this route if I can because I honestly believe he’s thrown everything away and will one day have a HUGE realisation he’s screwed up.

Thoughts, comments, ideas of what to do next, much appreciated.

Please be kind x

OP posts:
rubberduck68 · 04/03/2025 09:31

Reading your post back again, I thought she was 18 years "younger" than him, so he is 45 and she is 27. Reading it again, is she 18? Is a 45 year old man dating an 18 year old, because that would give me the biggest pause...

loropianalover · 04/03/2025 09:36

And why on earth is this 18 year younger woman who seems to think she has won a prize acting like this?

Why are you sneering at her when you’re the one who wants him back after what he did? You obviously think he’s some sort of prize too.

I googled the name of one of these strange accounts and a business phone number popped up on the results. Curious, I added the number to my contacts to try and figure out who it was and lo and behold, WhatsApp brought up her photo.

This is also not making sense to me. Why would her number be under a different name online yet lead to her own WhatsApp with her own pic, and what do you mean by a business number? If she was using a fake number from Google to make burner accounts, why would she create a WhatsApp profile for that number with her own pic? And if it’s her real/primary phone number that leads to a WhatsApp with her pic, why would it be under some fake name which matches the fake accounts name when you Google it?

Sassybooklover · 04/03/2025 09:39

Curiousity or she could be insecure. You've called her out, so it's likely to now stop. Whatever you do, don't take the rat back. He cheated and dumped you - it's taken you 18 months to get your life back together, and now you are in a decent place. Don't ruin all that hard work, by taking back a man, who will do exactly the same again to you. You'll never trust him again and the relationship will never be the same. There are plenty of decent men out there, don't waste your life on a ratbag.

autisticbookworm · 04/03/2025 09:44

Ignore the frame - his weirdness, her stalking. If you invest in it you are never going to move forward. It doesn’t matter if they are happy/unhappy, if she's jealous or he's socially awkward. Leave them to it.

treesandsun · 04/03/2025 10:26

"Anyway…..despite the trauma, panic attacks etc I’ve picked myself up. Got ridiculously fit at the gym, lost 10kgs, continued the post grad masters course I had just started when he left me and bagged a 30K payrise so I’m doing pretty okay considering - in fact, I’m pretty much smashing it."
Fantastic - go you. Think about whether you want him back or just want him to want to come back and admit he made a fuck off massive mistake?I think if he did come back - you would find you no longer feel the same way about him after his betrayal.

Ohapal · 04/03/2025 10:29

Objectively, your life got a whole lot better after he exited it.

He's a cheat, she's an insecure stalker. It sounds like they are perfectly matched.

Arthurnewyorkcity · 04/03/2025 10:31

Shes obviously insecure but your work place talking about it.. means you're telling people at work. I wouldn't give it head space at all. Continue moving on with your life and be glad it isn't you in that position. You're giving it head space it doesn't deserve

Slimbear · 04/03/2025 12:49

Divorcers almost never admit they have made a mistake ime

ScottChegg · 04/03/2025 12:55

Don't you want BETTER?! I would.

Linxoxo · 04/03/2025 13:50

I think we all have a little look at an ex or an exes new partner once in a while. I do to my DH's ex wife and I'm very happily married to him. I'm just a bit nosy sometimes and if people's social media isn't private, then they have to accept that anybody can look! It doesn't mean she or I aren't happy....sorry OP.

HarLace1 · 05/03/2025 06:19

Mumsnet can be absolutely savage when it comes to these threads and are as honest as can be, but OP in this case you'll definitely need to hear it. Don't be a bloody fool he's dumped u once and if u did end up back together I reckon he would dump you again. Look at what you have achieved since he left, you don't need him as much as you think u do!

I'm also curious as to what he's got that makes him so bloody desirable seeing as he's got you still pining over hes bagged himself an 18 year old!

Isthiswhatmenthink · 05/03/2025 07:18

Please tell me all your ‘glow up’ stuff was for you, not him…?

Honestly, look forward, never back.

Gloriia · 05/03/2025 07:40

That is not stalking and it absolutely does a disservice to those who have been victim to stalking.

She is having a nose, as many people do. As long ad your sm is private and you don't accept dodgy requests you have nothing to worry about.

Well done on the weightloss and the 30k pay rise though!

CountingDownToSummer · 05/03/2025 08:05

"I know it’s not universally accepted on this forum for reconciliation/wanting people back etc but I do want to go this route if I can because I honestly believe he’s thrown everything away and will one day have a HUGE realisation he’s screwed up"

Op I get that you need a reason to justify his behaviour but this man had an affair with this person, he wouldn't do this to someone he loved, let alone liked. Her stalking you on social media is irrelevant to you. She is probably just being nosey.

If he wanted back with you he'd be with you as he is aware you would willingly take him back. He's choosing to be with his partner.

As for him being "the prize", he really isn't, he's the booby prize at best

Pumpkincozynights · 05/03/2025 08:11

Do not take him back op.
Well done on your achievements.
Start enjoying your life.
Lock down all your social media accounts with the highest privacy you can.
Ignore this prick.
He was obviously cheating on you with her.
I think lots of people look at their ex’s partners accounts, it’s not unusual.
Move on.

Resttime · 05/03/2025 08:19

She's young and immature. Ignore her. Don't drag yourself into the drama as you do not have the same excuse, mutual friends will think you're nuts. Block them both and tighten up your privacy controls. You've already wasted enough of your life on this loser.

Legodaisy · 05/03/2025 08:19

It’s really not as big a deal as you’ve made it out to be, and it’s not “stalking” (I think calling it that trivialised real-life stalking).

You have social media accounts; she has looked at them out of curiosity. That’s literally it. Most people will look at social media accounts of people they don’t know out of curiosity. If she’s young, like you say, it’s even less of a big deal.

You shouldn’t have messaged her; that’s embarrassing.

I really think you need to move on.

AFairDistance · 05/03/2025 08:28

Legodaisy · 05/03/2025 08:19

It’s really not as big a deal as you’ve made it out to be, and it’s not “stalking” (I think calling it that trivialised real-life stalking).

You have social media accounts; she has looked at them out of curiosity. That’s literally it. Most people will look at social media accounts of people they don’t know out of curiosity. If she’s young, like you say, it’s even less of a big deal.

You shouldn’t have messaged her; that’s embarrassing.

I really think you need to move on.

I’d agree with this. She was just curious, and a bit clumsy about it. It’s not that surprising, surely. He’s older, you’re older, you both have a lot more past, together and separately, than she does. I don’t think it indicates she’s unhappy or paranoid, or that he’s secretly pining for you.

Why he left you is another matter, but not one you will ever be able to answer to your own satisfaction. You’re understandably still reeling at some level, if it was a long and apparently mutually satisfying relationship, even if you’re doing all the right things on the surface.

GoldDuster · 05/03/2025 08:29

it’s all been holidays, fancy restaurants, same bars, same places

How do you know this? It sounds like you've both got unhealthy levels of interest in the others movements and you're both delusional if you think hes a prize of any sort.

Meanwhile he's sat there laughing because you're both fighting over him and he's likely to be shagging a third woman.

Gather up what self respect you've got left and get out of there. Turn your back on both of them, take your revenge body and your pay rise, move on and leave them to it. Being the couple that everyone is jealous of isn't really what it's cracked up to be when one of you can't keep his dick in his pants.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 05/03/2025 08:36

Lock down your social media to make sure she can't contact you.

Block all the accounts you think may be her. Change your settings so that people can't send you friend requests. Make sure none of your photos or posts are set to public. Block any known phone numbers.

Block him too and just pretend he doesn't exist. If you have to see him at work, pretend he is just a regular colleague you find somewhat irritating, and interact with him as little as possible. Don't talk to or about him. Try not to even think about him, or her. They're not worth your energy.

Lostworlds · 05/03/2025 08:40

He might realise he’s thrown everything away but that’s his fault, do not think of reconciliation! Your life is clearly better without him! I worry you’ve done everything for him, trying to show him how great you are when really you should do it for you.

Whatever the story is between them, whatever her reason is for checking your social media, try forget about it and focus on you. Move on, try dating someone new, leave them in the past.

ImAChangeling · 05/03/2025 08:52

I am not even slightly interested in what my ex or any partners of theirs do. I don’t understand the curiosity, but perhaps it is because she is perpetually online?

I wouldn’t give them any more thought. Lock down your accounts and get on with your life. If you are thinking about trying to win him back to have a family, please be careful. He’s not exactly proved he could be a good family man. Might you join Bumble / Tinder and start dating? Book a holiday that he would not have enjoyed but you will love. Go and have some fun!

rubberduck68 · 05/03/2025 11:23

"Why is he still behaving the way he does if he doesn’t care?"

I read something really simple the other day: "If a man likes you, you will know. If he doesn't like you, you will feel confused."

How do you feel?

snotathing · 05/03/2025 11:59

I don't think you really want this man back. Who would? I think you'd just like to show that he made a mistake and should have chosen you. That would be satisfying but not if it means being in a relationship with a cheater again.

89mar1 · 05/03/2025 12:09

She's just curious OP. It doesn't mean he's speaking about you or wanting you back. She knows about you as you are his ex and you have history, some people feel insecure and like to look to confirm to themselves they are better or whatever.

If he wanted you back you would know.