My exes new partner has been stalking me online for their entire relationship

[ThatNewAquaBeaker]

As per the title really……

my ex partner left me 18 months ago out of the blue with all the very vague “somethings missing” lines etc and basically said I wanted marriage and a family and he couldn’t give that to me but he now “needed to go and find a mother and wife”…….. I had no idea anything was wrong and I utterly adored him so I took it really really hard, especially as he had told my friends and family he was going to marry me, we were I the process of leaving our rented flat to buy a house together and had picked out baby names - I have to add, most of these conversations were brought up by him, it’s not like I was a pressurising bunny boiler……he was the love of my life.

anyway, as the script typically goes, 3 months later some 18 year younger ‘girl’ turns up and as far as I’m aware it’s all been holidays, fancy restaurants, same bars, same places…….it basically like I’ve been cut and pasted from his life. He sees me at work and dives into the nearest cupboard when he sees me, even now after all this time. He’s now 45 and honestly I think had a midlife crisis over things getting real because before all this we were the couple people were jealous of.

Anyway…..despite the trauma, panic attacks etc I’ve picked myself up. Got ridiculously fit at the gym, lost 10kgs, continued the post grad masters course I had just started when he left me and bagged a 30K payrise so I’m doing pretty okay considering - in fact, I’m pretty much smashing it.

However, since he met this new person I’ve noticed weird things going on my social media throughout. Odd burner accounts, weird friend requests etc. This has now been going on for a year. The other day curiosity got the better of me and I googled the name of one of these strange accounts and a business phone number popped up on the results. Curious, I added the number to my contacts to try and figure out who it was and lo and behold, WhatsApp brought up her photo. I felt utterly sick knowing she’s been creeping on me all this time. At the same time, I have been thinking WHY?? If it was all sunshine and rainbows she wouldn’t feel the need to do this. Especially over such a long period of time?

I sent a WhatsApp to her saying something along the lines of “Hi, I’m sure this is really embarrassing for you but you really don’t need to creep around with fake accounts. If there is anything you want to know or ask I am an open book”. She denied it all, pretended to not know who I was and gave some crap excuse about her account being taken over by some spam that has just so happening to stalk my social media. Yeah right!

People at work have been commenting on his behaviour around me at work and how it is all so very weird……what on earth is going on?

How can someone you loved and clicked with for so long turn into an unrecognisable wanker overnight and seemingly not care about you? Why is he still behaving the way he does if he doesn’t care? And why on earth is this 18 year younger woman who seems to think she has won a prize acting like this?

I know it’s not universally accepted on this forum for reconciliation/wanting people back etc but I do want to go this route if I can because I honestly believe he’s thrown everything away and will one day have a HUGE realisation he’s screwed up.

Thoughts, comments, ideas of what to do next, much appreciated.

Please be kind x

Sounds like a bit of a shit show really. You've got your life back together so well done.

Reconciliation/ friends/being civil sounds like a pipedream so forget it. Ignore requests from anyone you don't know and so on. Giving either of them headspace is a waste of time.

Ah, I didn’t realise that. Thankyou for clarifying

Is it not more likely that its just him using her phone.

Also, if she was happy in the relationship she wouldn't keep checking out your profile. Either its actually him or, he's making her feel so insecure that she needs to keep tabs.( Why would you want a man back that does that to his partners? Ick.) Maybe she can't believe how easily he dropped you too. Thinks he's still sniffing around you behind her back. Maybe he's sleeping with another person.

Assuming she's not just randomly unhinged, he's obviously not a good partner to her.

I have since learnt the one before me was covertly ousted from the home as he wrote her application for her new job in another city, recommended she get a flat there and promptly dumped her.

These have all been short term relationships. The one above was 9 months. Before spending 4 years with me his longest was 18 months.

I guess how I should have written it is that I want the person I knew and loved back - the sudden 180 after years of happiness and love is something I still can’t comprehend or understand despite all the work I have done.

As for his behaviour at work, it’s bizarre. Diving into cupboards, leaving rooms when I walk in, or stomping past looking very very angry……..it doesn’t make any sense considering I’m the one who got thrown out like a piece of trash and had no idea why. It completely came out of left field.

OMG this is so cringey to read... How old are you OP? If he is in his 40s, are you similar age? Seriously, who needs all this shit in their adult lives? Is he stunning to look at, charming, has a nice cock and amazing in bed? What about this waste of space keeps you longing for him - whatever it is, its not worth the drama!

Seriously - block all of them for ever, ignore him in real life, forget all of these people exist. They are shallow, idiotic, nasty and immature. Work on your self esteem and find someone worthy of your emotions.

We actually got together over long term humour, joy, love, interests, and everything else rather than someone “having a nice cock or being good in bed” but Thankyou for your comment. Maybe he eventually thought the same way you do on what actually matters?

She sounds very insecure to be so obsessed with you.

My exes new partner was borderline obsessed with hating 'me' - I put the inverted commas because obviously it wasn't actually me, it was nothing to do with me, she didn't know me from Adam. It was the idea of what she thought our relationship meant/had meant.

He might 'snap out of it' or he might not, or he might always have been a douche, or he might never have meant any of what he said/did with you. You can't ever really know that. Clearly he is a liar and a messed up chap (4 years his longest relationship at 45?!), you could never trust him and you have dodged a bullet. Keep reminding yourself of that and rise above their noise. You won't move on til you have and honestly, you so need to move on. He is not the one.

Thankyou. This brings some comfort that it’s happened to others. . I don’t know this person, have never met her, spoken to her, interacted with her (online or in real life) and the only time I have ever seen her was when he brought her along to a concert I go to yearly (and have been going to for years). He knew I would be there and locked eyes on me the moment I walked in. I didn’t react and had a great night dancing with my friend.

I think some on here seem to think I’m some heartbroken obsessive ex. I’m really not. What she has been doing is very real. I was absolutely blindsided from my long term relationship out of no where and had no idea this was happening, that is also very real…….I can’t help we work in the same building and I’ll be damned if I have to give up an amazing career and move elsewhere for a POS like him. At the same time, it’s very hard watching someone you loved behave in the way that they do because it clearly isnt indifference. There is a tiny part of me that feels sorry for this new woman dealing with all his crap. I do know from the couple of people I’ve spoken to who are friends of hers they have described her as “psycho” and “a bunny boiler”. A bit of a strange way to describe a friend but whatever…..

The way people can turn off all feelings and emotions like a tap and treat you terribly is pretty scary tbh!

I agree with this, I might not suggest she gets some help, I'd keep if factual and unemotional (every though it is not factual) but I would say the accounts have been traced back and you will call her workplace to complain of harassment. This does work.

Be very clear with yourself, you are the winner here. She is obviously very unsure of him, insecure and jealous. He is obviously not totally engaged with her on any level for her to be this way; and you are soon going to see him like a fly on your windscreen even though I can read that the hurt still lingers. You will be ok and someone better is meant for you.

Thankyou ♥️

Yes, the emotional hurt still lingers - I’ve never been one to say it doesn’t. I would love to be one of those tough women who can just say “f**k him” but at the end of the day I was blindsided by someone I absolutely adored and thought the world of.

I know it’s now been a long time. I’ve literally sat in this pile of crap throughout and tried to be non reactive. I guess I’m struggling with lots of things here. The loss of the future. The loss of the man I apparently ‘knew’. The loss to of my home. Having to carry on being “strong” whilst watching him behave the way he does, and then with all this crap on top of it, it’s a real head f**k.

Stupid, stupid man.

Whatever he has, it means nothing when there is no love, care or respect. You need to understand that anyone who genuinely cared about you would not put you in a situation you are in now.

I don’t think it’s odd at all that she has looked at your profiles. I know people who check virtually everybody they come across out on social media. It’s not something I do and I can assure you the people doing it are not wanting to be that person in any way, it’s just something some people do.
He sounds like a right dick to be honest.
Leave them to it,
Its natural to mourn the loss of a relationship but he is not the person you thought he was.
I wouldn’t envy the young woman at all. If they stay together she will end up wiping his old arse and being his carer whilst she can’t even claim her state pension. A relatively young woman with an old man, that’s not to envy.

You’ve done so well OP, impressive come back. Please put this and them out of your mind. If he wanted to come back he would have done. You’re better than him. Kick them to the curb. Block all social media.

Not sure why people are coming down hard on you but I can’t say I’m surprised either.

What a dreadful thing to happen to you op

He clearly has commitment issues and I was so happy to see your life sky rocket once he was out the picture!

If I was you I would probably accept her request to follow your page - post amazing things about your life and great memes 😂😂

I think he will dump her too!

With her being much younger- that generation use and view SM on a whole different level than someone in our age bracket so I can understand that is probably why they are interested in you - SM is such a big part of their lives

He on the other hand must be some type of psycho to be able to suddenly cut off people he has professed to love. I think you’ve dodged a bullet

Maybe create a new profile picture using AI with yourself and a gorgeous guy!

OP,

Whether you realise it or not you are thriving on the drama. I'm saying that as someone who very much lived like that too in my 20s and 30s. When other people pointed it out to me I always had justification and would have responded like you.

Unfortunately it boils down to insecurity, chasing excitement, highs, lows and distractions. You haven't said much about the relationship itself but why was he telling people he wanted to marry you instead of telling you and planning a wedding.

He's not the love of your life. He's someone you share similarities with but they are not good foundations for a happy life.

You know you are now one of his crazy exes.

She is in a spin like you because he's finding it even easier to manipulate her.

You're looking for acknowledgement that you were important to him but heres the truth you only need to be important to yourself.

Make a deal with yourself now that you are your priority, you deserve respect, loyalty, love and anyone who doesn't meet those standards falls under your radar.

I wouldn't do this. It will likely now be hard to prove. You've already emailed her once before, threatening to approach her at work, aswell as your ex likely backing her up that you obsess over his movements at work may constitute as harassment (from you to her). If he complains about you at work, with proof of you emailing his partner and approaching at her work place it may affect your career and she may contact the police.

Don't threaten to approach her work. This could be construed as harassment.

What she does outside of work is outside of work.

I have not emailed ANYONE? Nor approached them at work. I don’t understand where this narrative has come from?? And I certainly don’t obsess over my exes movements at work. Where on earth has this come from?!

I sent one text to the WhatsApp number saying please stop creating fake accounts to creep on my online posts and if there was anything she wanted to know or ask then she could. That’s IT.

I have absolutely no intention of contacting either of them?

Sorry. WhatsApp not email. I was pointing out that if you sent her another as advised by that poster, then approach her work place that could be considered harassment.

Ok Thankyou.

I would just like to clear up I sent one message asking her to stop and have no intention of contacting her again - she has been blocked on all avenues.

And no, I do not obsess about my exes whereabouts at work just to be clear.

I don't think you do. But given colleagues agree he goes to great lengths to avoid you, then may back him up if he claims this. You're doing great and deserve better than this loser.

This post hits the nail on the head. He sounds like a charming Machiavellian character.

@ThatNewAquaBeaker I have no idea what has gone wrong with the reading comprehension of posters today. Between this and another thread, it's mind boggling how people can get the wrong end of the stick so spectacularly today.

The only part that I didn't agree with in your OP is that you wanted him back. Though you clarified what you actually meant, I do think you'll take him back if he lets you.

You are not over him and that is why you are also questioning the new girlfriend's motives. If you were over him, you would not be bothered at all about what she is up to.

And just to add, I don't think you did anything wrong with your message to her. But I do think you should look into some therapy to fully get over him.

You want him back ? Are you absolutely nuts or do you really have such little self respect ?

He threw you away for a younger model sitting waiting around for him to have a epiphany that you were the best thing ever and come running back is pathetic if I'm honest .
Move on with your life and forget about him instead of wasting years pining for someone that doesn't want you