My exes new partner has been stalking me online for their entire relationship

[ThatNewAquaBeaker]

As per the title really……

my ex partner left me 18 months ago out of the blue with all the very vague “somethings missing” lines etc and basically said I wanted marriage and a family and he couldn’t give that to me but he now “needed to go and find a mother and wife”…….. I had no idea anything was wrong and I utterly adored him so I took it really really hard, especially as he had told my friends and family he was going to marry me, we were I the process of leaving our rented flat to buy a house together and had picked out baby names - I have to add, most of these conversations were brought up by him, it’s not like I was a pressurising bunny boiler……he was the love of my life.

anyway, as the script typically goes, 3 months later some 18 year younger ‘girl’ turns up and as far as I’m aware it’s all been holidays, fancy restaurants, same bars, same places…….it basically like I’ve been cut and pasted from his life. He sees me at work and dives into the nearest cupboard when he sees me, even now after all this time. He’s now 45 and honestly I think had a midlife crisis over things getting real because before all this we were the couple people were jealous of.

Anyway…..despite the trauma, panic attacks etc I’ve picked myself up. Got ridiculously fit at the gym, lost 10kgs, continued the post grad masters course I had just started when he left me and bagged a 30K payrise so I’m doing pretty okay considering - in fact, I’m pretty much smashing it.

However, since he met this new person I’ve noticed weird things going on my social media throughout. Odd burner accounts, weird friend requests etc. This has now been going on for a year. The other day curiosity got the better of me and I googled the name of one of these strange accounts and a business phone number popped up on the results. Curious, I added the number to my contacts to try and figure out who it was and lo and behold, WhatsApp brought up her photo. I felt utterly sick knowing she’s been creeping on me all this time. At the same time, I have been thinking WHY?? If it was all sunshine and rainbows she wouldn’t feel the need to do this. Especially over such a long period of time?

I sent a WhatsApp to her saying something along the lines of “Hi, I’m sure this is really embarrassing for you but you really don’t need to creep around with fake accounts. If there is anything you want to know or ask I am an open book”. She denied it all, pretended to not know who I was and gave some crap excuse about her account being taken over by some spam that has just so happening to stalk my social media. Yeah right!

People at work have been commenting on his behaviour around me at work and how it is all so very weird……what on earth is going on?

How can someone you loved and clicked with for so long turn into an unrecognisable wanker overnight and seemingly not care about you? Why is he still behaving the way he does if he doesn’t care? And why on earth is this 18 year younger woman who seems to think she has won a prize acting like this?

I know it’s not universally accepted on this forum for reconciliation/wanting people back etc but I do want to go this route if I can because I honestly believe he’s thrown everything away and will one day have a HUGE realisation he’s screwed up.

Thoughts, comments, ideas of what to do next, much appreciated.

Please be kind x

I think you are devoting way too much head space to someone who you think is a wanker.

Be happy that he did you the favour of leaving you and giving you the impetus to "smash it" as you say. You made yourself look extremely silly sending that message to the woman, btw.

Thankyou for the insights everyone. It’s a really messy situation which has been very difficult - not made easier by this person in my orbit. I’ve since locked down my profile and made it private and lo and behold, I now have requests from people who are friends of hers…..🙄

To clarify a few points on this as I probabaly didn’t write it clearly before…..

• She is 18 years younger than him. Not 18 years old.
• There’s no evidence he was cheating or there was overlap that I know of.
• I haven’t discussed things with people at work, it’s them who bring up how weird he is around me as they witness it themselves.
• The glow up wasn’t for him. The career stuff/promotion was already in hand and I hit the gym afterwards just for my own mental and physical well being.
• I apologise for using the term “stalking”. I absolutely didn’t mean any disservice to those who have experienced true stalking - wrong choice of words there. I should have maybe said “watching”. This isn’t a one off time of curiosity, it’s been happening with every single post or story I have posted for the entirety of their relationship - ie for the last year.
• I hadn’t previously blocked as I really didn’t want to give her “airtime” and nor did I have 100% concrete proof it was her until recently.
• Some people have said it’s “embarrassing I messaged her” - what I sent was polite and simply said if there was anything she wanted to ask or know then she could do but there was no need to creep around watching me with fake accounts……it’s on her that she’s then lied about this and deleted all her accounts……it clearly hit a nerve.

I just find it all bizarre to be honest. I imagine very much so that she is insecure and it’s probably him causing it as when I was with him he used to talk about his “crazy exes” all the time. I was also his longest relationship by a LONG shot as his prior relationship history has all consisted of 18 month long ones, a huge huge red flag that I overlooked when I met him unfortunately.

• Some people have said it’s “embarrassing I messaged her” - what I sent was polite and simply said if there was anything she wanted to ask or know then she could do but there was no need to creep around watching me with fake accounts……it’s on her that she’s then lied about this and deleted all her accounts……it clearly hit a nerve.

OP with kindness this has ‘clearly hit a nerve’ with you as much as it has with her. You are both insecure in yourselves and obviously thinking about him constantly.

What she’s done is embarrassing and silly but you look silly with this faux ‘I’m an open book, no need to creep about!’. You sneer at her for thinking she’s won a prize, yet you’re the one who wants the prize back after being dumped!!

He’s acting weirdly at work because he’s a weird man. Clearly his communication skills and emotional range are lacking. Do you not feel turned off by that?

She was watching you on social media but you knew and openly allowed it. Only now you’ve locked down your profiles? Why? You like the idea that her and/or him are thinking about you, because you think it must mean he wants you back. There’s no evidence of that, and even if he does you should run a mile! It truly is a pity you say you’ve done so much work on yourself and yet you’re willing to give it all back to… him? What has he done to improve himself? Why are you willing to go back to someone who did that to you?

You can set social media so that only mutual friends can send a request. If you delete him and do this, the requests will stop.

Yes it has hit a nerve with me that she has been doing this consistently for a long time under false profiles - I don’t deny that it hasn’t. I felt seriously creeped out opening up WhatsApp and seeing her face assigned to that number

And no, I didn’t know it was her until all this came out very recently. The account she used looked very much like one of those bot/scam accounts and it’s only when all these things have been pieced together that I have realised it has been her the entire time. My offer of her wanting to ask any questions was genuine - she’s clearly been doing this for a long time and so if she is so deeply invested in what I’m doing or all about then she can ask.

When I say I want him back I mean the man I knew and loved. Not the one that treated me like this completely out of the blue. I know that man I knew doesn’t exist any more. It’s just really hard to get your head around it all and this whole situation that has followed all of this doesn’t make it easier to either get over or understand.

Whatever has happened or is going on I’m pretty sure she’s not as happy or as secure in

Thankfully he isn’t on any sort of social media. We are completely no contact bar occasional sightings of each other at work. I don’t speak, engage, or have not contacted him in any way and don’t plan on doing so

Sorry, I probably hadn’t been clear about how this all came about. So basically she created a fake/empty business account (that followed no one and had no followers) and probably had to register with google to do so. I presume that she didn’t know that if you googled the account name/bio it would show up on google with her phone number attached. I didn’t know it was her until after a year of this weird account popping up all over the place I thought to myself “who is this” and out of curiosity googled the name of said ‘company’.

Some people search everyone on social media , exes, people they meet, those they hear gossip about etc. It often doesn’t mean anything. Tighten up your security settings and move on. He hides in a cupboard when he sees you at work, he isn't thinking about reconciliation.

Reading between the lines are bit, is that answer you are hoping for OP-

That she's watching you because he either talks about you/their relationship isn't good/she's insecure because you are so much better than here and she knows it

And all of or any of the above means he wants you back?

In all honesty some people are just bloody nosy. Yes it's weird behaviour but I've encountered similar before.

It means absolutely nothing when it comes to you and him.

Like PP said, he hides when he sees you at work. He doesn't want to reconcile, if he did you would know it.

Just put it down to her odd/insecure behaviour and try and move on.

And from personal experience (and I know friends who would admit to the same!) I looked at my boyfriend's ex quite a bit when we got together. It wasn't because he talked about her, or our relationship was bad, or I thought he'd go back. I think when someone has had a long relationship before you it's natural to be curious, see what that person is like. He never got back with her btw. It's just curiosity. If the profile is open it's dead easy to and can become a habit! She might just be wondering if you've moved on with your life... anything. Making fake accounts is a bit extreme but I've had it done to me too. People aren't stupid and know if they are looking at your stories on their own account that you will see it straight away.

He's not going to realise he made a huge mistake. Unless you add quotation marks.

He hasn't. He's dating a 27 year old. Lucky git.

That's not to put you down. But you need to snap out of the fantasy that he is sorry. He's clearly not. And she snooped at your page...so? I mean tbh I think you messaging her is way more creepy You're clearly still into him. He has a partner.

You need to build a bridge and get over him. He's just not into you. But that's cool, because he was a jerk who left you because he didn't actually care about you. That leaves room in your life for you to find a good man who does.

Maybe find yourself a toy boy.
But drop the ex obsession. And ignore any future contact from either of them.

The only way he's coming back to you is as a stopgap till the next young thing comes along. Because the current one has dumped him.

Everything about him aside……. (he’s a twat and I know he’s a twat - he ousted me covertly from our flat when I went home to look after my sick parent. Complete out of the blue behaviour from him and probably why I’ve struggled with trauma over all of this)

Anyway, as I was saying, his behaviour aside I really don’t think messaging someone to call them out who has been watching every single thing I post for the past year creepy?

It’s not like it’s been a once or twice curiosity glance at what I’m doing…..it’s been EVERY single post over the course of 12 months before I figured out what’s going on and now I’ve shut it all down, I’m now getting follow requests from her friends. I don’t understand how people don’t think this is weird?? Who in a secure and happy relationship does this?

The other completely weird thing a friend pointed out to me was “why did her photo show up on WhatsApp before you messaged her, it must have meant she had your number” - that part has creeped me out even more.

Gosh, I thought I might get some understanding or support on here but I’m being bashed for all this when I’m the person in all of this who hasn’t done anything wrong. Wow.

The other completely weird thing a friend pointed out to me was “why did her photo show up on WhatsApp before you messaged her, it must have meant she had your number” - that part has creeped me out even more.

This isn't true OP, it depends on their settings. Whether they have it set to "contacts" or "everyone" as to who can see profile pic.

I don't think anyone has said it isn't weird OP.

But what we are all saying is you are reading too much into it.

Maybe I can give you another perspective.

My exes ex, "watched" me on social media for many, many years. Every single post. It was creepy.

Now I wasn't with him. I don't know her, never met her. I know/knew he wasn't back with her either, because I share a child with him. They've never been together since their initial break up way before I met him.

People do just "watch" on social media and are nosy, it doesn't really mean anything.

@ThatNewAquaBeaker she is clearly very insecure in her relationship and threatened by you. Her behaviour is weird.

The more important thing here is that you’re not over this man. That’s ok, these things take time. But please focus on how he treated you. He hasn’t had a mental breakdown or a midlife crisis or any other words used to excuse his behaviour…he was just an utter shit.

You've had a lucky escape. Don’t be fooled into thinking that going back to him is the answer in your life. You’re smashing it… go and find someone to share that with, who isn’t going to throw you away the minute his head gets turned by a younger model. What a walking cliche he is. You’re worth so much more than that and deep down, you know it.

I know someone who experienced something similar. Her ex's girlfriend was not only watching her instagram but will also send random messages. It later came out that acted the honeymoon period passed, and the new girlfriend had been discarded she soon came to the realisation that her then boyfriend had put her through everything he had put his ex through (my friend). She probably is insecure and he is the source.

FGS you're getting bashed on here because you said you want him back after all he's done to you, you daft mare.

Totally agree with OP that's it's creepy, weird behaviour and she was right to contact her and tell her to stop.

My ex and his new GF (now wife) both creeped on my Instagram - that I rarely updated - for a few years. It was mainly the GF doing it as she kept accidentally liking my old photos and then unliking them. When I had a baby she couldn't help herself and messaged me with a couple of questions. As soon as I answered her she deleted the questions 😂. It's just a very strange thing to do.

OP I'd imagine it's because she doesn't like that you work together as she can't be totally sure you're not speaking/having an affair at work behind her back.

Good for you getting the massive pay rise, congrats 🎉

It doesn't really matter why. I'd try not to analyse.

Just decline, block and move on.

I also couldn't even be friends with a 45yo man who dates an 18yo girl never mind lovers. 😬

She's not 18, she's 18 years younger

I don't think posters are bashing you as such, it's just that you said in your op you want him back which seems crazy given what he has done

This middle aged guy dumped you and moved your stuff out when you went to look after an ill parent then took up with a teenager or 27 year old and you want this waste of oxygen back?

All the therapy. And shut down your SM while you're getting it.

I think your message was brilliant op, you let her know you knew she was looking at your socials with dignity- good for you for calling her out on it in that way.

The only thing in this whole thread that is weird or shocking as that you would consider taking him back. It sounds like you've done so well meeting your personal goals with your masters, work and gym - please please please don't ever accept a man that would hurt you that bad.

I think you're focusing on this new girlfriend too much. Yes adding you on social media via fake accounts is odd but if she's not spreading lies/rumours or doing anything of harm I don't think you should waste a second thought on it.