I need some really tough love

[HilaryJan]

Can someone please help me get out of this horrible painful cycle. I am in a relationship of sorts with a lying deceitful narcissist. It is killing me. He makes me feel anxious, upset and unsafe. He has told me multiple lies. And I keep going back for more. I have spoken to my therapist and I absolutely understand the reasons why. She asked me what I get out of it. I said nothing but pain and heartbreak. But I can't stay away. If it was my best friend doing this I would lose my mind with her. But I can't take my own advice. I know I can't see him anymore but I can't stop. I am desperate to hear his alert on my phone. I am dying to see him and will drop anything to do so. I am more traumatised and upset being 'with' this man ( I'm not really with him, he is seeing multiple women) than I felt when I got divorced after a long marriage. I know all about Limerance so I don't need to hear about that. But I am a complete mess. How on earth do I break this cycle. I know he is the worst thing in the world for me and he's a truly awful person. But the thought of never seeing him again kills me. I don't know what to do or who to turn to,

You need to treat it like a drug addiction.

You need to cut it off completely. It is much much better is it is on your terms, end it before he does - you will feel worse if he ends it. Stop all contact, do what you have to do, that might include a new phone or shutting down socials, getting away for a bit, change of routine. Get clean. You will feel better but it takes a long time.

Oh @HilaryJan - you are worth so much more than this cheating, manipulative excuse for a man could ever offer you.
Do you think you've carried over your feelings of abandonment & loneliness from the end of your marriage and are starting to feel them now? If so, realise that "never seeing him again" doesn't really relate to this absolute ####.
You've allowed yourself to be trained to respond to the ping his messages as if they have a positive value to you. They don't.
Look, basically, pull yourself together and leave this "relationship" before you allow him to damage you more.

Best wishes.

@MeganM3 I would describe it exactly as a drug addiction. I feel like I'm on crack

@DoNoTakeNo yep, no positive value whatsoever apart from that big dopamine rush. I understand it. I get it. But I can't stop it.

If you say ‘I don’t need to hear about that’ you are already blocking off good advice because it may not suit you.
You are not going to die if you don’t see him again.
Whatever you have here, it’s becoming like an addiction and you either face up to it and do something about it, or you waste more of your precious time and life on this man.
The only thing you can do here is going cold turkey. Cut off all lines of communication and never speak to him ever again.
To be blunt - while you are tying yourself in knots, he is sleeping with other women. He doesn’t care about you or how you feel. If you got hit by a bus, he would replace you. It’s that bad.
What becomes an addition isn’t even the person, it’s the attention. It’s the dopamine hit when your phone pings.
That means you are looking to someone else to provide you with care, attention and validation, and boost your self esteem.
With him gone, you need to stop looking to anyone to provide any of that. It needs to come from you, and you alone.

Well, it is. I bought a book recently book which describes how the chemical bonds from the relationship are the same as drugs. It sounds like you have trauma bonding and I found H G Tudor and Kim Saeed on youtube particularly validating and enlightening.

I've had 3 narc relationships in my life, 2 of these within the last 7 years. I know why I went with it and now won't have another relationship because of the time it takes for the mask to drop, and I'm comfortable with that. I have been where you are and I didn't know how or if I could survive - but I have. It's taken time though and you CAN do it.

A different perspective:
Break it off NOW.
Because every day that you postpone, the damage to you becomes worse.
Just bloody do it, woman!

I know. I have to break it off and only I can do it. But I feel like I don’t have the strength. I’m many areas of my life I am so strong and resilient. But in this I’m lost.

I could have written this a few years ago.

Tough love is saying you need to walk away. But this will only happen when you've genuinely come to that point and you are ready.

My ex was a narcissistic police officer and gave me 2 beautiful children, but 8 years of hell.

Enough was enough when he cheated and got his (other) girlfriend pregnant. He was jetting off on holidays together with her that I was paying for, thinking that I was supporting him financially because I loved him.

I am now in a loving relationship that is worlds apart. Whilst he ended up cheating on his new girlfriend and is stuck on his own, miserable.

You will know when you've had enough and will find the strength to find a new path on your own.

Been there. Total no contact is the only way. Anything - absolutely anything - else will f* up your head and put you back to square one. Block, delete, avoid any locations or situations you might see each other at all. Please please do it. You get the urge to see him, hear from him when you’re alone, lonely - I understand. Try to get your therapist to suggest ways to avoid those times or find something less self-harming to occupy yourself

Yes! To all of this. You'll get the urge to contact him if you feel hungry, angry lonely or tired. Realise that this feeling will pass and your defence that you are building against your sick addiction to something toxic will get stronger every time you don't act on a feeling and you'll start to regain your self worth. All the best. You can do it!

Edit - also worth deleting all pictures of you together, both yours and online. Throw out anything and everything he ever gave you. They all serve to trick your head into thinking there was something worthwhile, worth keeping hold of, remembering. But he just stole part of your life that you can’t get back, you need to build new to replace it. It can be done!

@MrsSorryNotSorry this was the road I was going down. I read somewhere 'keep going back until it disgusts you.' And there was a final straw when he sent me a truly ridiculous lie that actually made me laugh! I told him to get lost ( but with much stronger language!) and was truly happy with my decision. But I didn't block him. Then a week later I got a text that pulled me straight back in again. He knows exactly how to manipulate me. So I don't know what else can possibly happen to disgust me further but here I am.
I'm so sorry you have been through the same.

@Bittenonce I have deleted all the messages I was endlessly re reading and deleted the photos and thrown away some gifts he gave me. I feel like it's a step forward. But I can't block him even though I KNOW!! I have to and that ONLY I can do it

I know I mean nothing to him. I know he is hooking up with other women. And what makes me feel sick and ill to my stomach is that I am JEALOUS.. yes jealous.. of them.

You are not lost, you do have the strength. You need to choose life ( this is not life as it should be ).

You need to do practical things here, that will both stop you doing physical things ( answering the phone as an example ), and help you emotionally. Block him on everything. If you have photos etc delete. Any physical mementos bin. No actual reminders on your phone/house. Tell your friends/family you are doing it. Ask to be shut down if you talk about him ( other than your counsellor ). If you can’t do it give someone your phone , get a cheap one in the meantime. Go and stay with someone/have someone stay with you. It’s an addiction, you need them to see you as a recovering addict and help accordingly. Avoid places he might be, and people who might tell you about him.

It will be difficult, but habits can be broken more quickly than we think. Good luck.

@jimbort I know part of the issue is that I am a little lonely ( I have moved away from the UK.) and have other problems as well. I'm in a toxic mire in 3 different situations ( work, him and a friendship ( both the other issues completely unrelated to him.))

@HilaryJan shall I write your dating app profile for you?
‘Looking for a man who won’t mind me jumping up and leaving if I get a message from my narcissist ex’
Or how about ‘If I seem distracted it’s because I’m thinking about someone else’.
Maybe just a straightforward ‘Desperately seeking the continuity of another abusive toxic relationship, decent people please swipe left now’?
Come on, give yourself a chance. Block, flush your phone down the toilet and bugger off on a long active holiday alone.

Oh op. I want to give you a squeeze you sound so unhappy.

have you got a friend who will block him on your phone and delete his number so you’re not tempted to unblock.

Complete withdrawal is the only way

Get under someone to get over maybe. But don't have a relationship just a fumble. Works well just don't start a relationship

You must be getting something out of this in addition to the pain and heartache, OP.
What is it?
Is there a kind of endorphin high whenever he abuses you?
Does the idea of having a dull existence without all this drama depress you?
Are you scared of being absolutely, completely alone without him in your life?
The answers to these questions might help you find the way to let go. At the moment, you're kind of fighting yourself.

@Diningtableornot there are reasons for my bond to him. It's not as simple as enjoying the drama or whatever. It sounds bizarre and ridiculous, but I'm bonded to him because of the way I'm bonded to my upbringing. The trauma, the lack of safety, the constant state of hypervigilance.. it's all so reassuringly familiar.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. They genuinely are helping me. I need to hear this over and over again and I am reading and re reading everything. Thank you so so much.

You know that your past was traumatic. You've owned that. Stop making excuses to condemn your future to be the same.

Block him. Stay out of relationships until you are happy to be on your own. Do the same with the toxic friend.

Look for another job. Focus your energy on one thing that you can actively change - yourself.

It could be a mixture of things. If you come from a difficult background he'll be like cat nip. You'll also be trauma bonded. This is where you feel a very strong bond to someone abusing you.

As advised you need to treat it like giving up smoking or sugar. You need to close down your social media and block him on your phone.Throw away any gifts and delete all photos.

Do a 30 day detox. This is where you ignore him completely for 30 days. If you look, you start again from the beginning.

Get yourself booked in for an STD test if he's been sleeping around and set yourself a goal to keep busy. You can sit around analysing him and yourself for hours if you like but you need to look after yourself OP. He's not going to.