You wanted tough love, OP? Here is some.
Reread your own posts. 'I' can't, I can't, I can't'. It's like a stuck record.
This is weak. It's weak because it absolves you of personal responsibility and enables you to keep reiterating your own message to yourself that your actions are beyond your control.
They're not. And this is never the case. The only behaviour you can control is your own.
Click on the option to reveal your own posts only. Paste them into a writable file. Then change every single instance of the words 'I can't' to 'I can'. Highlight them. And repeat them to yourself over and over until you start to believe it.
The underlying cause is your childhood trauma. This needs treating, or you'll see this pattern repeat itself in subsequent relationships. Get yourself a referal to the mental health support team - there'll be a long waiting list or around 6 months - but you get 20 sessions on the NHS. You need EMDR. Other talking therapies won't cut it as well, especially if this trauma goes way back in your life. It works and it's a game-changer - I'm living testimony to the fact.
Beyond that, your only solution is cold turkey. You talk about going back and back until you are disgusted. Unfortunately if you carry on the way you're going you'll end in being disgusted with yourself.
No man is worth paying that price. It's hard, and it's a long and painful road doing work like this on yourself. I know, because I've done it. Your reward is a whole future life in which you are completely free of that yoke.
It's up to you.