I need some really tough love

[HilaryJan]

Can someone please help me get out of this horrible painful cycle. I am in a relationship of sorts with a lying deceitful narcissist. It is killing me. He makes me feel anxious, upset and unsafe. He has told me multiple lies. And I keep going back for more. I have spoken to my therapist and I absolutely understand the reasons why. She asked me what I get out of it. I said nothing but pain and heartbreak. But I can't stay away. If it was my best friend doing this I would lose my mind with her. But I can't take my own advice. I know I can't see him anymore but I can't stop. I am desperate to hear his alert on my phone. I am dying to see him and will drop anything to do so. I am more traumatised and upset being 'with' this man ( I'm not really with him, he is seeing multiple women) than I felt when I got divorced after a long marriage. I know all about Limerance so I don't need to hear about that. But I am a complete mess. How on earth do I break this cycle. I know he is the worst thing in the world for me and he's a truly awful person. But the thought of never seeing him again kills me. I don't know what to do or who to turn to,

You just have to stop and walk away. Cut all contact and let it hurt.

I have been there - I never ever thought I’d be able to walk away but I did and I felt 100x better for it. Yes I cried and it hurt but it was better than he made me feel by being there.

@ImmortalSnowman I am absolutely not giving myself excuses to continue with this. I was responding to another comment. I'm saying I understand why I might feel bonded to him. I am struggling with the next step. That's all

@Maitri108 agree. And I've had a full set of sti tests this week.

I cannot see him for the whole month of March anyway so I think this is a great time for the 30 day detox

Block and delete him today. You will find it so much easier than you expect. By the end of March you’ll feel relief that you did it.

Well done. I can't emphasise enough how much harm some undetected STDs can do. Do the 30 day detox, you're going to be ok.

When do you next see your therapist? You need to work very closely with them on how to manage this and how to make sure you stay no contact.

Is there anything new you can throw yourself into? An audiobook, a TV show, a hobby, something you can become obsessed with?

Just take it hour by hour - ‘I won’t be messaging him this morning. I’m not thinking about the future right now, it doesn’t exist, but I’m not messaging him this morning.’ And rinse and repeat.

@loropianalover my next appointment is on the 11th as my therapist is on holiday. And I love what you say at the end... not this morning, not today, not now. I have managed it for 8 days so far

Yup, that makes sense too. It's familiar. I do hope you can work from that understanding to reach somewhere happier and more peaceful.

Have a look at attachment styles. See if any of it reasonates with you op.

No-one can help you do this - only you can do it. Cold Turkey is the only way. Block him on everything so you don't see anything about him at all, no checking his social media, no asking mutual friends about him.

Fill your time so you don't have time on your hands to think about him. Throw yourself into something else - work, take up running, volunteer.....literally anything so that you're so busy you won't have time to think about him too much and you'll fall into bed knackered at the end of the day.

Consciously redirect your thoughts - when you start thinking about him, say STOP to yourself in your head and distract yourself with something else.

Good luck OP. Only you can change your life 💐

Dump him delete every mode of contact and work on your self esteem It's the only way Been there done that ! You deserve better!!

You might benefit from this OP. Go to the meetings rather than online if you can.

I was in your position many many years ago OP. I didn’t listen to my gut and ended up with a black eye. I often wonder if the behaviour is still the same. I mean, a leopard can change its spots but it’s still the same leopard. Walk away x

Do you have a garden? Could you distract yourself with a big garden revamp and try and distract yourself with lots of hard work outside. The vitamin d will make you feel better and you'll sleep well from physical work.

I am shit at gardening but I dug a huge hole last time I went through a toxic break up, it's now a pretty cool built in paddling pool with a tap, water feature, drainage system and fully tiled. Looks cool (once cleaned..). And I'm glad to have something to show for the horrible heartache. GET BUSY. Doesn't really matter what you get busy doing, as long as no men are involved at this point!!

Pros and cons list. Hard to tell from your posts what the pros might be. Great in bed?

Cons: he doesn't respect you, doesn't love you or even like you enough to date you exclusively, lies to you, makes you feel horrible.

You deserve better. Being alone is better. You won't meet someone deserving of you while this bell-end is occupying your mental and emotional space. Get rid and be proud of yourself because you're awesome and he's a knob.

See it this way - you are on a hamsters wheel - going around, around and around in circles for not much reward

You'll stay on that wheel until you decide to jump off it

But until you do that then you might as-well resign yourself to the hamsters wheel!

As the saying goes if nothing changes, then nothing changes

It sounds masochistic you know. I don't know if that's a fair thing to say but I thought of it because my DW is similar. She was in a long term relationship with an abusive person for 15 years and couldn't leave even though it was 'over' within the first year. Its hard for her to be happy even though I'm solid and not abusive. She likes to go into her dark place by herself. She has low self esteem and high anxiety (probably BPD) her childhood was abusive.

You are choosing to self harm and only you know why.

It's not really about him. If it wasn't him it would be someone/something else.

You need coping strategies to not self harm any more. One day at a time is a good start.

This is excellent advice. Make no mistake it’s really difficult - you’ll feel yourself pulled back and obsessively checking if he’s messaged. It may take a long time until you feel stable and calm, I’d also advise CBT therapy to help.

Do everything possible to avoid messaging him. Delete all numbers for him after blocking him.

If you don’t you will be incredibly hurt in the long term and he really will not give one shiny shite about your feelings.

Protect yourself. And fuck him right off.

This also helped me. I told the guy (the toxic man) to treat it like I was dead. He still occasionally emails me now on new work email. I don’t respond.

Occasional ONSs do indeed help. You realise actually it was just sec and not love. And you realise there is equally as good sex if not better also still out there.

I think you’re all amazing. I have been in this position. It was truly the lowest point of my life. I had no idea that so many other women had experienced the same.

@HilaryJan it’s very hard at first but you can do it, I won’t lie - there will be times when you flip flop and feel low but your therapist will be your biggest supporter.

Persevere, please, and you’ll get to the point where he’s not the first and last thought on your mind each day. And when you look back and realise you’ll feel lighter and happier, I promise x

Thank you so much all of you for sharing your stories and supporting me. I'm under no illusion that this is going to be incredibly difficult. Today I woke up a little early and made a big effort with my make up and appearance. I'm trying to feel lighter. I feel so so heavy and I want to feel light and cheerful like I did before I met him. Yes I've had sex with other people and dates, but spent the whole time wishing it was him I was with. I'm on day 9 of no contact. As a few of you have suggested I can only do this an hour, a morning, a day at a time. Thank you so much again. I don't feel so alone now. I will keep coming back to these responses.

You’re doing so well. It’s so difficult at this stage, when you still ache from it all and are exhausted with all the ‘if onlies’. Hoping that your absence will magically transform him into the person you always needed him to be. But he’s not.
That lightness and happiness will come, it is inside you, just give it time.
There were some No Contact support threads on here at one stage, maybe start a new one or join an old one so you have people to check in with to distract you?
hang in there.

Thank you @Passtheduchess for your response. I'm just taking it one morning, then afternoon then evening at a time. I'm currently on day 11 of NC. Finding it difficult but plugging away at it. Have just booked a holiday which has really lifted my mood. I keep coming back to this thread it really helps