I need some really tough love

[HilaryJan]

Can someone please help me get out of this horrible painful cycle. I am in a relationship of sorts with a lying deceitful narcissist. It is killing me. He makes me feel anxious, upset and unsafe. He has told me multiple lies. And I keep going back for more. I have spoken to my therapist and I absolutely understand the reasons why. She asked me what I get out of it. I said nothing but pain and heartbreak. But I can't stay away. If it was my best friend doing this I would lose my mind with her. But I can't take my own advice. I know I can't see him anymore but I can't stop. I am desperate to hear his alert on my phone. I am dying to see him and will drop anything to do so. I am more traumatised and upset being 'with' this man ( I'm not really with him, he is seeing multiple women) than I felt when I got divorced after a long marriage. I know all about Limerance so I don't need to hear about that. But I am a complete mess. How on earth do I break this cycle. I know he is the worst thing in the world for me and he's a truly awful person. But the thought of never seeing him again kills me. I don't know what to do or who to turn to,

@SerafinasGoose EMDR changed my life too.

Please please please darling just block and delete. Give your phone to a friend and ask them to do it. Take it from someone who’s got the scars - you can’t get rid of an addiction by only using every now and again. I took 3 months NC - thought it was ok then got sucked in again, took another 3 months and other people telling me I was still carrying too much hurt to be ready for a proper relationship, before I could be me again. You’ll have times you’ll feel like death but they will pass, you need to take those downs before you can get up again

You've blocked him now though? Otherwise why bother coming back here?

Don’t despair - can happen to the best of us. But you MUST block. Do it and don’t unblock no matter how much wine you’ve had, or however much you’re tempted.

It’s just a little stumble and you were doing so well. Every time you go back it’s like you’re picking at a scab and it won’t ever heal, you’ll just make it bleed and it’ll scab again.

This addiction, this complusion and drive and urge and pull to be with him, to go to him... Is just that: an addition.

I get it, I've been there.... It's your body and brain riding the chemical highs and lows he produces in you by his push/pull tug of war treatment. He'll destroy you, leave you a shattered mess on the floor while he looks at you with cold, callous indifference, zero remorse and little to no empathy. Then he'll help you to your feet, holding your hand, offering you that glimmer of warmth, love and affection while he tells you it's your fault, implies or outright tells you you'll be nothing without him. You're over reacting, being too sensitive, and he's sure it didn't happen or that he meant it like that. Sound familiar?

Yup, one hell of an addition there!

Please walk away, turn your back, say nothing, and walk away. You are his supply, he is a narcissist - or has narcissistic personality tendencies - turn it off, cut it and him off, and walk away. You need to. He sounds lile a repulsive, selfish, draining child.

Please do yourself the huge favour of flipping him the proverbial bird and walking away. You deserve to be happy and that's NOT with him x

Don’t worry OP. He will discard you again and you will get the chance to start no contact again. But properly this time as you will block him on every possible channel.

I 100% know what you’re dealing with. There will come a time when you will stick to no contact because you enjoy the peace.

Start building up other areas of your life. New interests and hobbies etc so that he isn’t the only exciting thing in your life. Also start looking for a new job if your current one is shit. If you need new skills, do some courses.

💐

Thank you everyone. He is blocked and deleted. Never ever ever again. Blocked forever. I won’t tag each of these new messages but I will read and re read them over this weekend and I thank you so much for responding and helping me. I feel sick and I’m just going to sit with that feeling. I have literally no way of contacting him now so believe me when I say it cannot and will not happen. He can’t contact me either. It’s finished. I’ll find a way through this with all of your help and a few trusted friends. I never want to have to go through this madness ever again.

Good for you. It is hard at first and a lot of people have fallen off the wagon, or so to speak.
Once you’ve blocked the source of contact that’s the final step.

Just hang in there, it’ll take a while. Keep those friends close.

@HilaryJan .. you slipped, it's normal. But you've taken all the right steps now to take control of your situation now .. and that's something to be so proud of. You've shown strength, resilience and have listened to all the support on here.
You've done it before, we all know you can do it again!

Keep hanging in there @HilaryJan

You will get to the point where you will have moments when you know you are over him. Having been in a similar situation there were things like looking at someone else’s profile on a dating site and thinking they were hot or watching a film where the characters had fallen in love and had a nice relationship and reminding myself I’ve had that before. You will get there! It just takes time