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Original poster

New guy- Is he a player?

80 replies

KatarinaDe · 28/02/2025 11:43

Hi everyone, I started dating this guy about 3 months ago and I think he might be a player. I have a lot of anxiety in our relationship although I have had bad experiences with men before. So it is hard to tell whether it is trust issues or if he is making me anxious because he is a player.

I would be very much interested in your opinions. Thank you all in advance!

These are the things that made me doubt his intentions:

  • he has a female bff, theve known each toher for 25 years, there is no history. when asked why there are not together he said he didnt know and when i insisted he later said that he is not attracted to her although he thinks shes pretty, that they dont get along for long periods of time, that she has friends he doesnt like, she is single. when they went on a trip last year they slept in one bed together. didnt seem strange to him.
  • he has another „friend“ who is a girl he used ot be interedted in, there are still in touch occasionally, he said he is no longer interested but doesnt want to cut contact. when she messaged him on new years eve he responded very warmly, offered to meet and gave a lot of compliments. we were already together at that time. he tells me he never felt to her what he feels towards me, he thinks shes not funny. he has liked everythink on her instagram. we got into fights about this because i wanted him to cut contact and he didnt want to,, saying it would be mean to her. later we agreed on slowly fading. she is probably single
  • he followed some pretty women he doesnt know on instagram, lets say 20 accounts, liking sporadically their selfies. he unfollowed after i asked.
  • on our first phone call he mentioned that his Ig algorhytm shows him onlyfans models
  • he says he doesnt know whether he was using tinder after we agreed we are officialy together, he deleted it few days later
  • he has some female friends he doesnt see that much, some lesbians, some taken,
  • he doesnt share his phone he thinks it is private
  • when he was on a hockey game, there was kisscam that zoomed him and anther woman, he kissed her on a cheek, thought it was a funny story
  • he is in contact with both exes, he is not in contact with any other women he used to date
  • he used to date a lot after his break up, 7 short „relationships“ in 3 years

So guys, I am insecure or is he a player? Or anything else? :D Thank you so much for reading this and your input! :)

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 28/02/2025 11:53

His existing friendship is something that clearly is important to him. Obviously being in a relationship there now have to be boundaries - such as not sleeping in the same bed - but the fact that he has a female friend isn't automatically a red flag.
He has altered his social media behaviour as you've asked him too, IG shows pretty much every bloke those sorts of profiles (much to my brothers annoyance 😂) and he has deleted tinder.
I'm not entirely sure why the fact he has female friends at all is of note - especially when they are lesbians!?!
7 short relationships in 3 years is fine. He's obviously just not found his person.

Tbh I'm really not seeing much here to be concerned about, providing your relationship is a good one and he seems to be a good man. I think you may have some insecurities but only you can decide if the female friends is something you can live with or not.

Girlmom35 · 28/02/2025 11:59

Personally I think it's a grey area, but with some concerns.
I have male friends myself, all very platonic, so maybe I'm not as worried as I should be. I however don't see myself sleeping in the same bed as them, ever.

I think it all depends on whether this is who he is 'single' and whether he's different when he's in a relationship. Obviously when you're single you don't have anyone to answer to or be loyal to, so it's all fair game.
He seems to be willing to delete Tinder, slowly fade from the friendship etc. But is he doing that just because you asked, or is he doing that because he realises that it's inappropriate to do those things when you're in a relationship?
The kiss cam incident sounds harmless. He chose the cheek, which would be okay for me.
The exes, do they share children? Otherwise I see no reasons to stay in touch.

I'd be curious to hear what his values are. What does he expect from you in regards to online activity, male friendships, flirting etc, phone use transparency etc? To what standards does he hold himself?

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/02/2025 12:12

Oh, and he doesn't THINK his phone is private, it IS private. I don't go in my DPs and he doesn't go in mine, and I'd be furious if he thought he had the right to have access to it. And I'm definitely not a player! 😂

Now I do have male friends who are purely platonic, however a couple of them I have slept with in the past (we're talking 10/15 years ago!). Our friendships are 100% platonic and absolutely nothing for a DP to worry about because I'm faithful and always will be. Different life stages have different boundaries.

ginasevern · 28/02/2025 12:36

I stopped with "they slept in one bed together and he didn't think it was strange". I expect I'm in a minority on Mumsnet, but .....

ShickenNuggeh · 28/02/2025 13:41

He sounds like a tosser

0ctavia · 28/02/2025 13:56

He’s not the right man for you, you’ve been dating 3 months and there’s already all this angst, it should still be fun but instead you are full of anxiety. You are having huge fights about his friends.

Either he is a player .

Or he's not , he’s just an innocent bloke who looks a lot like a player, with loads of female friends and exs that he still sees and shares a bed with .

And he follows lots of women / models on IG / OF ( and not it’s not true that everyone does I have a gender neutral profile and I get hardly any because I block all the ones I do get ) .

So even if he’s as innocent as a new born baby, he’s not right for you. There are plenty men out there who don’t lead this sort of lifestyle.

outerspacepotato · 28/02/2025 14:05

Let's just say I would have zero expectations of this guy and never go exclusive with him.

He's the good time guy, that's it. Well, hopefully he's a good time because otherwise you're wasting your time.

blacksax · 28/02/2025 14:09

I have male friends. I wouldn't even share a room with them, let alone a bed.

Foxlovesfruit · 28/02/2025 15:07

Whether he is a player or not, I think it is clear that you're not compatible. You have these insecurities/trust issues from previous experiences and you will never feel 'safe' with this man. You can't ask him to stop these behaviours because you are then in danger of being controlling.

GentlemanJay · 28/02/2025 16:11

ginasevern · 28/02/2025 12:36

I stopped with "they slept in one bed together and he didn't think it was strange". I expect I'm in a minority on Mumsnet, but .....

I have two female friends. If we go away on city breaks or walking weekends I always request twin beds. Sometimes that's not possible. I've slept in the same bed as them both. On occasions those beds have been massive. Wouldn't have known someone was next to me.

Yes we met on dating sites. With both we friend zoned each other straight away. I don't fancy them. I enjoy and value their company. I have no intention of it ever being more than mates. It's possible.

noidea69 · 28/02/2025 16:22

I dont think he's player, he's just a person with a past, which we all have.

You seem to be quite keen to control what he does, probably because you dont feel like you can trust him, so you are going to have to accept its not for the long term.

Burntout101 · 28/02/2025 16:24

Put him in the bin and say 'Thank you, next !'

smallsilvercloud · 28/02/2025 16:26

How unappealing to share a bed with a friend, it's bad enough when you're actually attracted to them, each to their own.

I think at best a sleeze, following randoms on social media and only fans, never a good sign and 7 short relationships, there is something wrong with him or has commitment issues. I wouldn't date someone like him.

Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 14:49

Hi and thank you! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 14:54

Girlmom35 · 28/02/2025 11:59

Personally I think it's a grey area, but with some concerns.
I have male friends myself, all very platonic, so maybe I'm not as worried as I should be. I however don't see myself sleeping in the same bed as them, ever.

I think it all depends on whether this is who he is 'single' and whether he's different when he's in a relationship. Obviously when you're single you don't have anyone to answer to or be loyal to, so it's all fair game.
He seems to be willing to delete Tinder, slowly fade from the friendship etc. But is he doing that just because you asked, or is he doing that because he realises that it's inappropriate to do those things when you're in a relationship?
The kiss cam incident sounds harmless. He chose the cheek, which would be okay for me.
The exes, do they share children? Otherwise I see no reasons to stay in touch.

I'd be curious to hear what his values are. What does he expect from you in regards to online activity, male friendships, flirting etc, phone use transparency etc? To what standards does he hold himself?

Hi and thank you! He says he deleted tinder himself although not right after we agreed we are exclusive and he says he doesnt know whether he was swiping there after we become exclusive. About the slowly fading from the relationship - he doesnt think its necessary, he thinks my boundaries are "too strict". He doesnt share children with the exes.

He never questioned my online activity, i guess he would ok with me liking other men pictures, he is okay with me travelling alone with male friends and he would be okay if i flirt with men, doesnt need access to my phone. So his standards look really different from mine :/

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 14:57

smallsilvercloud · 28/02/2025 16:26

How unappealing to share a bed with a friend, it's bad enough when you're actually attracted to them, each to their own.

I think at best a sleeze, following randoms on social media and only fans, never a good sign and 7 short relationships, there is something wrong with him or has commitment issues. I wouldn't date someone like him.

Hi, thank you for reacting! He doesnt follow OF girls on instagram and he says he doesnt use OF, but that he sees OF girls videos on instagram reels. He was in the 10year relatioship before the 7 short ones, he broke it off before the gf wanted family, because he felt like she was insesitive to him, he was depressed at the time and she expected him to pay for everything.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 14:58

Burntout101 · 28/02/2025 16:24

Put him in the bin and say 'Thank you, next !'

Hi and thanks for your reaction! Which part of the story makes you most certain that this guy is no good?

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 15:00

noidea69 · 28/02/2025 16:22

I dont think he's player, he's just a person with a past, which we all have.

You seem to be quite keen to control what he does, probably because you dont feel like you can trust him, so you are going to have to accept its not for the long term.

Hi and thank you! I feel like there are no good solutions. I feel extremely anxious about the girl. So I cant be in a relationship with him while he talks to her, on the other hand I dont want to loose him If he is not really in love with her. So if I dont want to be controlling, I can only break up with him, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 15:03

Foxlovesfruit · 28/02/2025 15:07

Whether he is a player or not, I think it is clear that you're not compatible. You have these insecurities/trust issues from previous experiences and you will never feel 'safe' with this man. You can't ask him to stop these behaviours because you are then in danger of being controlling.

Hi and thank you for your time! I am afraid if I will ever feel safe with anyone, really. So if I cant ask him to stop, then I can only accept this or break up, right?

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 15:05

GentlemanJay · 28/02/2025 16:11

I have two female friends. If we go away on city breaks or walking weekends I always request twin beds. Sometimes that's not possible. I've slept in the same bed as them both. On occasions those beds have been massive. Wouldn't have known someone was next to me.

Yes we met on dating sites. With both we friend zoned each other straight away. I don't fancy them. I enjoy and value their company. I have no intention of it ever being more than mates. It's possible.

Show quote history

Hi and thanks! I can also see that this might not be an issue for many people. As I think of it is that maybe we are so different, that we are not compatible.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 15:05

blacksax · 28/02/2025 14:09

I have male friends. I wouldn't even share a room with them, let alone a bed.

Hi, thank you for your reaction. I cant imagine that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 15:06

outerspacepotato · 28/02/2025 14:05

Let's just say I would have zero expectations of this guy and never go exclusive with him.

He's the good time guy, that's it. Well, hopefully he's a good time because otherwise you're wasting your time.

Hi, thank you! What part of the story is the most important for you?

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 15:08

OrlandointheWilderness · 28/02/2025 12:12

Oh, and he doesn't THINK his phone is private, it IS private. I don't go in my DPs and he doesn't go in mine, and I'd be furious if he thought he had the right to have access to it. And I'm definitely not a player! 😂

Now I do have male friends who are purely platonic, however a couple of them I have slept with in the past (we're talking 10/15 years ago!). Our friendships are 100% platonic and absolutely nothing for a DP to worry about because I'm faithful and always will be. Different life stages have different boundaries.

Thank you for your time and long reaction! I guess that people who are that much different are not really compatible? There are many ways how to have a relationship and define what loyalty means. I guess you wouldnt feel very good with a person who thinks all of this is problem or of it would make them insecure, right?

OP posts:
BumpandBounce · 02/03/2025 15:09

Well it doesn’t matter whether he’s a player or not. You’re only 3 months into the relationship and you’re anxious and suspicious. That’s not going to get any better.

Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 15:11

0ctavia · 28/02/2025 13:56

He’s not the right man for you, you’ve been dating 3 months and there’s already all this angst, it should still be fun but instead you are full of anxiety. You are having huge fights about his friends.

Either he is a player .

Or he's not , he’s just an innocent bloke who looks a lot like a player, with loads of female friends and exs that he still sees and shares a bed with .

And he follows lots of women / models on IG / OF ( and not it’s not true that everyone does I have a gender neutral profile and I get hardly any because I block all the ones I do get ) .

So even if he’s as innocent as a new born baby, he’s not right for you. There are plenty men out there who don’t lead this sort of lifestyle.

Hi and thank you for your time! I also feel like this is not how a healthy relationship starts. Just to clear some things - he doesnt sleep with an ex in the same bed, it was his bff, there is no history. He doesnt follow OF girls, they are in his reel feed.

OP posts: