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Original poster

New guy- Is he a player?

80 replies

KatarinaDe · 28/02/2025 11:43

Hi everyone, I started dating this guy about 3 months ago and I think he might be a player. I have a lot of anxiety in our relationship although I have had bad experiences with men before. So it is hard to tell whether it is trust issues or if he is making me anxious because he is a player.

I would be very much interested in your opinions. Thank you all in advance!

These are the things that made me doubt his intentions:

  • he has a female bff, theve known each toher for 25 years, there is no history. when asked why there are not together he said he didnt know and when i insisted he later said that he is not attracted to her although he thinks shes pretty, that they dont get along for long periods of time, that she has friends he doesnt like, she is single. when they went on a trip last year they slept in one bed together. didnt seem strange to him.
  • he has another „friend“ who is a girl he used ot be interedted in, there are still in touch occasionally, he said he is no longer interested but doesnt want to cut contact. when she messaged him on new years eve he responded very warmly, offered to meet and gave a lot of compliments. we were already together at that time. he tells me he never felt to her what he feels towards me, he thinks shes not funny. he has liked everythink on her instagram. we got into fights about this because i wanted him to cut contact and he didnt want to,, saying it would be mean to her. later we agreed on slowly fading. she is probably single
  • he followed some pretty women he doesnt know on instagram, lets say 20 accounts, liking sporadically their selfies. he unfollowed after i asked.
  • on our first phone call he mentioned that his Ig algorhytm shows him onlyfans models
  • he says he doesnt know whether he was using tinder after we agreed we are officialy together, he deleted it few days later
  • he has some female friends he doesnt see that much, some lesbians, some taken,
  • he doesnt share his phone he thinks it is private
  • when he was on a hockey game, there was kisscam that zoomed him and anther woman, he kissed her on a cheek, thought it was a funny story
  • he is in contact with both exes, he is not in contact with any other women he used to date
  • he used to date a lot after his break up, 7 short „relationships“ in 3 years

So guys, I am insecure or is he a player? Or anything else? :D Thank you so much for reading this and your input! :)

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 04/03/2025 06:36

Holibobby · 03/03/2025 21:54

Is he called Tony by any chance?

No :D

OP posts:
Jk987 · 04/03/2025 07:09

Oh Lordy, I didn't read your whole post but you sound pretty insecure...

You've only been dating 3 months but you've asked him to cut contact with more than one person?

You think you should have access to his phone?

The guy has a history as do you. You'll push him away v quickly if you carry on as you are.

Lolopolo · 04/03/2025 07:11

outerspacepotato · 28/02/2025 14:05

Let's just say I would have zero expectations of this guy and never go exclusive with him.

He's the good time guy, that's it. Well, hopefully he's a good time because otherwise you're wasting your time.

This

Never2many · 04/03/2025 07:24

TBH you’re giving out just as many red flags.

You object to him having female friends. Lots of people have friends of the opposite sex, doesn’t make it suspicious.

You complain that he says his phone is private. That’s because it is. Being with someone for a couple of months and already expecting them to be open with their phone use is major controlling red flag behaviour.

Sharing a bed is a personal one and there is no right or wrong IMO. You’re not wrong to not like it, a lot of people wouldn’t. But similarly there are people with longstanding friendships who don’t give it a second thoughtt.

I have friends I could share a bed with and be 100% certain that nothing would ever happen. I wouldn’t necessarily choose to if I were in a relationship because I wouldn’t particularly like it if my partner did. But that doesn’t mean if I did I was up to no good, iyswim.

So if he’s prepared to listen to you on that one it can still be changed without changing the friendship.

SnoopysHoose · 04/03/2025 08:44

I have a lot of anxiety in our relationship
after 3 months and you feel
like this end it, also you have no right to look at anyone's phone.

Original poster
KatarinaDe · 04/03/2025 11:00

Jk987 · 04/03/2025 07:09

Oh Lordy, I didn't read your whole post but you sound pretty insecure...

You've only been dating 3 months but you've asked him to cut contact with more than one person?

You think you should have access to his phone?

The guy has a history as do you. You'll push him away v quickly if you carry on as you are.

Hi, thanky you for an honest feedback! I did ask him to cut contact with 1 person, yes. I dont like behaving like this either. I was used to having access to bf phone, not to control anything, just showing someone phone and not be secretive about it. I already broke up with him because I was so anxious that I couldnt bare it and I was behaving like someone I cant recognize and dont like. What would our advice be for someone like me moving forward?

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 04/03/2025 11:01

SnoopysHoose · 04/03/2025 08:44

I have a lot of anxiety in our relationship
after 3 months and you feel
like this end it, also you have no right to look at anyone's phone.

Thank you! I already broke up with him. I get that people have different opinions about the phone thing. I never had problem with sharing my phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 04/03/2025 11:08

Never2many · 04/03/2025 07:24

TBH you’re giving out just as many red flags.

You object to him having female friends. Lots of people have friends of the opposite sex, doesn’t make it suspicious.

You complain that he says his phone is private. That’s because it is. Being with someone for a couple of months and already expecting them to be open with their phone use is major controlling red flag behaviour.

Sharing a bed is a personal one and there is no right or wrong IMO. You’re not wrong to not like it, a lot of people wouldn’t. But similarly there are people with longstanding friendships who don’t give it a second thoughtt.

I have friends I could share a bed with and be 100% certain that nothing would ever happen. I wouldn’t necessarily choose to if I were in a relationship because I wouldn’t particularly like it if my partner did. But that doesn’t mean if I did I was up to no good, iyswim.

So if he’s prepared to listen to you on that one it can still be changed without changing the friendship.

Hi and thank you for your feedback! I didnt like myself in that relationship either. I already broke up with him I was too anxious. I am sorry that I tried to manage my anxiety this way, it was very hard for me to see a line between healthy adjustments and control. I have had some bad experiences, esp. with regard to staying too long in relationships that didnt feel right and also with dishonesty. Very disorienting experiences. I get that I am not an easy person to date after all that.

OP posts:
JoyDreamer86 · 04/03/2025 13:46

KatarinaDe · 04/03/2025 11:00

Hi, thanky you for an honest feedback! I did ask him to cut contact with 1 person, yes. I dont like behaving like this either. I was used to having access to bf phone, not to control anything, just showing someone phone and not be secretive about it. I already broke up with him because I was so anxious that I couldnt bare it and I was behaving like someone I cant recognize and dont like. What would our advice be for someone like me moving forward?

Show quote history

Sorry to hear about your bad experiences. Maybe just take plenty of time to just enjoy being on your own and then if the right guy comes along then it's a bonus x

JuliaPargetter · 04/03/2025 14:03

Hi OP,
Your post reminded me of someone I was in a relationship with. He did many similar things: a female bff with whom he'd told me not to have had anything romantic (yet told a mutual friend that they previously shared a bed "as friends"), various female friends who could be misconstrued as being lovers, the warm and interactive behaviours towards other women yet coldness to me, then the Instagram "likes" on various scantily clad women, private chats, and also the love of lesbian ladies "just friends" and various other ambiguities.

I am not stupid and I know that I can be intense. However, his lack of clarity and lack of making me feel secure made me feel really doolally. I couldn't cope with it, and it almost drove me to the edge. Please be careful. I see you have dumped him - I did the same with mine and we ended up on/off for a few years after that. In the end when I finally did end it, I felt SUCH a serene security.

Now with the benefit of hindsight, I can see that it was his weirdness plus my insecurity that kept me on my toes. At the start, like the PP said here, I had thought to keep him just as a superficial dating bf. As time passed, I became too invested and this wasn't possible and it had drawn me in. I don't think he ever cheated, but I think his way was to keep himself a bit available to the ladies, and my way is to want complete investment and consummate love.

Please step up on your own love, OP. Treat yourself well, love yourself, nurture yourself. Give yourself space to breathe. Men are always available, you will never have to be alone, but don't settle for rubbish men.

TwistedWonder · 04/03/2025 14:12

Sorry OP but maybe you need therapy as you do sound jealous, insecure and controlling.

Im a lot older and more experienced and if anyone told me who I could and couldn’t be friends with, they would be dumped.

And I’ve got absolutely nothing to hide but my phone is private. Anyone I’m dating asking to look at my phone is crossing a line and that’s controlling.

Maybe he was a wrongun, who knows but you’re showing a lot of red flags

Original poster
KatarinaDe · 04/03/2025 16:08

JuliaPargetter · 04/03/2025 14:03

Hi OP,
Your post reminded me of someone I was in a relationship with. He did many similar things: a female bff with whom he'd told me not to have had anything romantic (yet told a mutual friend that they previously shared a bed "as friends"), various female friends who could be misconstrued as being lovers, the warm and interactive behaviours towards other women yet coldness to me, then the Instagram "likes" on various scantily clad women, private chats, and also the love of lesbian ladies "just friends" and various other ambiguities.

I am not stupid and I know that I can be intense. However, his lack of clarity and lack of making me feel secure made me feel really doolally. I couldn't cope with it, and it almost drove me to the edge. Please be careful. I see you have dumped him - I did the same with mine and we ended up on/off for a few years after that. In the end when I finally did end it, I felt SUCH a serene security.

Now with the benefit of hindsight, I can see that it was his weirdness plus my insecurity that kept me on my toes. At the start, like the PP said here, I had thought to keep him just as a superficial dating bf. As time passed, I became too invested and this wasn't possible and it had drawn me in. I don't think he ever cheated, but I think his way was to keep himself a bit available to the ladies, and my way is to want complete investment and consummate love.

Please step up on your own love, OP. Treat yourself well, love yourself, nurture yourself. Give yourself space to breathe. Men are always available, you will never have to be alone, but don't settle for rubbish men.

What a kind message! Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sorry this relationship took so much of your time. I also felt that he didnt feel the need to "shut the doors" and be really invested. I will never know. But I also need to see that the guy I am dating has similar goal - to find the person that chooses you and doesnt need to have other options available. Your message validated me great deal. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 04/03/2025 16:12

TwistedWonder · 04/03/2025 14:12

Sorry OP but maybe you need therapy as you do sound jealous, insecure and controlling.

Im a lot older and more experienced and if anyone told me who I could and couldn’t be friends with, they would be dumped.

And I’ve got absolutely nothing to hide but my phone is private. Anyone I’m dating asking to look at my phone is crossing a line and that’s controlling.

Maybe he was a wrongun, who knows but you’re showing a lot of red flags

Hi and thank you for your message! I do have insecurities and I also now know that this is not the way I want to conduct myself. If I dont believe someone, the solution is not to see the phone or to tell him to break contact. It is to break up. Especialy if the anxiety is so high.

OP posts:
MightAsWellBeGretel · 04/03/2025 16:21

Fucking hell, you don't get to dictate his friendships or whether you have access to his phone. If this were a woman posting about their new bf behaving in this way, she'd be told to run for the hills.

No-one here knows whether he's a 'player' or not, but what's obvious is that you clearly don't like his choices and are suspicious about these other women. Instead of trying to control him, call it a day and find someone who doesn't have female friends or make you react like this.

Original poster
KatarinaDe · 04/03/2025 16:24

MightAsWellBeGretel · 04/03/2025 16:21

Fucking hell, you don't get to dictate his friendships or whether you have access to his phone. If this were a woman posting about their new bf behaving in this way, she'd be told to run for the hills.

No-one here knows whether he's a 'player' or not, but what's obvious is that you clearly don't like his choices and are suspicious about these other women. Instead of trying to control him, call it a day and find someone who doesn't have female friends or make you react like this.

Hi and thank you! I did break up with him, youre right.

OP posts:
AcquadiP · 04/03/2025 16:31

This relationship is giving you anxiety which could be due to past relationships; but it could also be down to your instincts telling you something is off. Proceed with caution would be my advice.

Original poster
KatarinaDe · 04/03/2025 16:35

AcquadiP · 04/03/2025 16:31

This relationship is giving you anxiety which could be due to past relationships; but it could also be down to your instincts telling you something is off. Proceed with caution would be my advice.

Thank you! It was really hard to tell what was it. But at the end I just dont want to have a relationship that is giving me anxiety.

OP posts:
AcquadiP · 04/03/2025 17:02

I agree. A relationship should be adding positive things to your life, if it isn't ,what's the point?

BumpandBounce · 04/03/2025 18:52

I don’t think you should be dating at all until you’ve had some therapy to deal with your insecurity, jealousy and anxiety. You’ll drive every man away acting like this!

CountryTunes · 04/03/2025 19:04

Never2many · 04/03/2025 07:24

TBH you’re giving out just as many red flags.

You object to him having female friends. Lots of people have friends of the opposite sex, doesn’t make it suspicious.

You complain that he says his phone is private. That’s because it is. Being with someone for a couple of months and already expecting them to be open with their phone use is major controlling red flag behaviour.

Sharing a bed is a personal one and there is no right or wrong IMO. You’re not wrong to not like it, a lot of people wouldn’t. But similarly there are people with longstanding friendships who don’t give it a second thoughtt.

I have friends I could share a bed with and be 100% certain that nothing would ever happen. I wouldn’t necessarily choose to if I were in a relationship because I wouldn’t particularly like it if my partner did. But that doesn’t mean if I did I was up to no good, iyswim.

So if he’s prepared to listen to you on that one it can still be changed without changing the friendship.

I think this commentary has missed the mark and OP was correct to end things. The guy she was dating is cleared toxic.

CountryTunes · 04/03/2025 19:05

SnoopysHoose · 04/03/2025 08:44

I have a lot of anxiety in our relationship
after 3 months and you feel
like this end it, also you have no right to look at anyone's phone.

Have you read OP's post? The guy she was dating is clearly a player, toxic on every level

Imbusytodaysorry · 04/03/2025 19:28

@KatarinaDe dump use your gut and don’t doubt yourself .
Just because you were insecure before doesn’t mean this guy isn’t a wrong one .
This is how he will get away with it for so long as your blaming yourself .

rubberduck68 · 05/03/2025 11:58

He sounds like my ex: needed to have a harem of ego bumps on WA and social media; always had an ex or two to triangulate with, it's like they want you to know how popular they are with women, because if you think about it the only reason you know about these other women is because he won't shut up about them. It's insecurity on his part, not yours and if you stick around he will start gaslighting you with having trust issues. I'd bail, but that's just because I've been there before.

rubberduck68 · 05/03/2025 11:59

BumpandBounce · 04/03/2025 18:52

I don’t think you should be dating at all until you’ve had some therapy to deal with your insecurity, jealousy and anxiety. You’ll drive every man away acting like this!

I think men who flex all the other women in their life are insecure and anxious; they drive their partners to the point of self doubt, then make their curiosity and anxiety about it the problem!

Joystir59 · 05/03/2025 12:03

This was me when I was essentially single, non monogamous, playing the field, young. Not committed to anyone so not cheating on anyone. Then I fell in love. And grew up.