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Original poster

New guy- Is he a player?

80 replies

KatarinaDe · 28/02/2025 11:43

Hi everyone, I started dating this guy about 3 months ago and I think he might be a player. I have a lot of anxiety in our relationship although I have had bad experiences with men before. So it is hard to tell whether it is trust issues or if he is making me anxious because he is a player.

I would be very much interested in your opinions. Thank you all in advance!

These are the things that made me doubt his intentions:

  • he has a female bff, theve known each toher for 25 years, there is no history. when asked why there are not together he said he didnt know and when i insisted he later said that he is not attracted to her although he thinks shes pretty, that they dont get along for long periods of time, that she has friends he doesnt like, she is single. when they went on a trip last year they slept in one bed together. didnt seem strange to him.
  • he has another „friend“ who is a girl he used ot be interedted in, there are still in touch occasionally, he said he is no longer interested but doesnt want to cut contact. when she messaged him on new years eve he responded very warmly, offered to meet and gave a lot of compliments. we were already together at that time. he tells me he never felt to her what he feels towards me, he thinks shes not funny. he has liked everythink on her instagram. we got into fights about this because i wanted him to cut contact and he didnt want to,, saying it would be mean to her. later we agreed on slowly fading. she is probably single
  • he followed some pretty women he doesnt know on instagram, lets say 20 accounts, liking sporadically their selfies. he unfollowed after i asked.
  • on our first phone call he mentioned that his Ig algorhytm shows him onlyfans models
  • he says he doesnt know whether he was using tinder after we agreed we are officialy together, he deleted it few days later
  • he has some female friends he doesnt see that much, some lesbians, some taken,
  • he doesnt share his phone he thinks it is private
  • when he was on a hockey game, there was kisscam that zoomed him and anther woman, he kissed her on a cheek, thought it was a funny story
  • he is in contact with both exes, he is not in contact with any other women he used to date
  • he used to date a lot after his break up, 7 short „relationships“ in 3 years

So guys, I am insecure or is he a player? Or anything else? :D Thank you so much for reading this and your input! :)

OP posts:
smithey855 · 02/03/2025 17:31

My Ex could have written your post, near identical scenario to me. It was two years of constant checking up, anguish, insecurity and jealousy, it was awful and made even worse by the fact that she genuinely never ever had anything to worry about.

my BFF is a female. She’s great. As a friend. Never has and never will be more than friends. Would I share a bed with her? Probably if we were both single, not if we were seeing other people.

my insta shows me provocative reels, it knows I’m a 40 year old straight male and we all know sex sells.

phones are private, nobody should ever need to show anyone else their phone. It doesn’t mean they are hiding anything.

you need to end this relationship now, for his sake as much as yours, work on your insecurities and find someone you are more compatible with and have the same morals and ethics.

CountryTunes · 02/03/2025 17:36

KatarinaDe · 28/02/2025 11:43

Hi everyone, I started dating this guy about 3 months ago and I think he might be a player. I have a lot of anxiety in our relationship although I have had bad experiences with men before. So it is hard to tell whether it is trust issues or if he is making me anxious because he is a player.

I would be very much interested in your opinions. Thank you all in advance!

These are the things that made me doubt his intentions:

  • he has a female bff, theve known each toher for 25 years, there is no history. when asked why there are not together he said he didnt know and when i insisted he later said that he is not attracted to her although he thinks shes pretty, that they dont get along for long periods of time, that she has friends he doesnt like, she is single. when they went on a trip last year they slept in one bed together. didnt seem strange to him.
  • he has another „friend“ who is a girl he used ot be interedted in, there are still in touch occasionally, he said he is no longer interested but doesnt want to cut contact. when she messaged him on new years eve he responded very warmly, offered to meet and gave a lot of compliments. we were already together at that time. he tells me he never felt to her what he feels towards me, he thinks shes not funny. he has liked everythink on her instagram. we got into fights about this because i wanted him to cut contact and he didnt want to,, saying it would be mean to her. later we agreed on slowly fading. she is probably single
  • he followed some pretty women he doesnt know on instagram, lets say 20 accounts, liking sporadically their selfies. he unfollowed after i asked.
  • on our first phone call he mentioned that his Ig algorhytm shows him onlyfans models
  • he says he doesnt know whether he was using tinder after we agreed we are officialy together, he deleted it few days later
  • he has some female friends he doesnt see that much, some lesbians, some taken,
  • he doesnt share his phone he thinks it is private
  • when he was on a hockey game, there was kisscam that zoomed him and anther woman, he kissed her on a cheek, thought it was a funny story
  • he is in contact with both exes, he is not in contact with any other women he used to date
  • he used to date a lot after his break up, 7 short „relationships“ in 3 years

So guys, I am insecure or is he a player? Or anything else? :D Thank you so much for reading this and your input! :)

Dump....put your shoes on and run as fast as you can into the arms of another man

Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 17:39

smithey855 · 02/03/2025 17:31

My Ex could have written your post, near identical scenario to me. It was two years of constant checking up, anguish, insecurity and jealousy, it was awful and made even worse by the fact that she genuinely never ever had anything to worry about.

my BFF is a female. She’s great. As a friend. Never has and never will be more than friends. Would I share a bed with her? Probably if we were both single, not if we were seeing other people.

my insta shows me provocative reels, it knows I’m a 40 year old straight male and we all know sex sells.

phones are private, nobody should ever need to show anyone else their phone. It doesn’t mean they are hiding anything.

you need to end this relationship now, for his sake as much as yours, work on your insecurities and find someone you are more compatible with and have the same morals and ethics.

Hi, thank you for your input! I feel like we both suffer needlesly. Why do you think your ex was so anxious?

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 17:41

CountryTunes · 02/03/2025 17:36

Dump....put your shoes on and run as fast as you can into the arms of another man

Show quote history

Hi, thank you for this! What about the story made you feel like i should run?

OP posts:
CountryTunes · 02/03/2025 17:45

smithey855 · 02/03/2025 17:31

My Ex could have written your post, near identical scenario to me. It was two years of constant checking up, anguish, insecurity and jealousy, it was awful and made even worse by the fact that she genuinely never ever had anything to worry about.

my BFF is a female. She’s great. As a friend. Never has and never will be more than friends. Would I share a bed with her? Probably if we were both single, not if we were seeing other people.

my insta shows me provocative reels, it knows I’m a 40 year old straight male and we all know sex sells.

phones are private, nobody should ever need to show anyone else their phone. It doesn’t mean they are hiding anything.

you need to end this relationship now, for his sake as much as yours, work on your insecurities and find someone you are more compatible with and have the same morals and ethics.

I'm afraid to say i wouldn't date a guy with these characteristics....not worth the stress and headache

smithey855 · 02/03/2025 17:46

KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 17:41

Hi, thank you for this! What about the story made you feel like i should run?

Show quote history

I’d like to know this as well.

AgathaX · 02/03/2025 17:48

I think he's got too much baggage for you to ever trust him completely, so he's probably not for you.

I don't think there's an issue with his female friends. If he wanted to be with them and they wanted it too, then I'm sure it would have happened by now. The sm stuff, I don't know. Might be something or might be nothing.

For what it's worth though, I think you're coming across as controlling by asking him to cut contract with an old friend.

CountryTunes · 02/03/2025 17:51

Every point is a red flag with the exception of him having short relationships. I think the sleeping in the same bed, the only fans and hiding his phone were the worst....run for the hills

smithey855 · 02/03/2025 17:56

CountryTunes · 02/03/2025 17:45

I'm afraid to say i wouldn't date a guy with these characteristics....not worth the stress and headache

Show quote history

That’s fair enough, we are all allowed to choose who we date and who we don’t date:

But, is a guy not allowed to have a best friend of the opposite sex? If not, why not? what if my BFF was a 1/10 and highly unattractive? Does that make a difference as to whether or not I should be able to have an opposite sex BFF?

what if my BFF was a man but gay? Is that any different?

why should I allow other people to have access to my phone? Where they can access confidential work emails among other stuff ?

I actually very seldom use insta, I have just checked my account and the below reels popped up. I don’t follow any of them, I don’t think I’ve ever liked or commented on a post, I have no control over what suggested reels pop up.

I’m not trying to start an argument here BTW, I am genuinely interested in yours and other people’s views.

JoyDreamer86 · 02/03/2025 18:06

The bit I dont understand is he says he isnt sure whether he was still using tinder after you agreed to be exclusive. How would he not remember that? If you agree to be exclusive then both people should be off tinder.

Itsmayhem · 02/03/2025 18:10

He wouldn’t be my type.

CountryTunes · 02/03/2025 18:24

@smithey855 a bff would most likely lead to an emotional affair if this is not already the case...attractive or not. I'm ok with friends of the opposite sex and gay friends but not a "best friend" as such where a DP is confiding in another woman and bearing his soul out to her. I'm not one to go through a partner's phone but at the same time why should it be off limits in the instance of an emergency?

smithey855 · 02/03/2025 18:50

@CountryTunes why on earth would a BFF of the opposite sex lead to an emotional affair? My best friend has been my best friend for years, if we were ever to get together we would have done by now.

what’s the difference between bearing your soul to the same sex or the opposite sex? Although unless I’ve missed it, I don’t think the OP has ever said he bears his soul to her? I never have done with BFF tbh.

as for the phone, I think you’re reading a little too much into it tbh, again OP has never said she can’t use it in an emergency, just that he is private with it and won’t openly let her access it. Pretty sure if it was a life and death situation and his was the only phone available he’d let her make a call.

I Would like to make a caveat here though, I don’t believe all men can have a BFF of the opposite sex, just like some women ( and men ) can’t have FWB situationships. It can and does work for some but if man thinks with his knob and not his head then it clearly won’t work. Roughly half of my friends within my friendship circle are female, it works for me as I get on much better with women but it does not in any way mean I want to sleep with them or have an emotional affair.

NattyQuail · 02/03/2025 18:53

Get rid.

At best he's an avoidant. Shares a lot of similar traits to that attachment style.

Original poster
KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 19:16

JoyDreamer86 · 02/03/2025 18:06

The bit I dont understand is he says he isnt sure whether he was still using tinder after you agreed to be exclusive. How would he not remember that? If you agree to be exclusive then both people should be off tinder.

Well, exactly. He says he is not sure, because it was uncertain between us so he went and swipe. he told me it was mindless activity for him. I didnt believe this. I told him he should not do that because we are exclusive not because he is sure we are gonna work out. he didnt validate, he said swiping is harmless.I dont agree

OP posts:
JoyDreamer86 · 02/03/2025 19:18

KatarinaDe · 02/03/2025 19:16

Well, exactly. He says he is not sure, because it was uncertain between us so he went and swipe. he told me it was mindless activity for him. I didnt believe this. I told him he should not do that because we are exclusive not because he is sure we are gonna work out. he didnt validate, he said swiping is harmless.I dont agree

Show quote history

Yeah that's not right. This isnt a man you want to waste your time with. Good luck x

Spooky2000 · 03/03/2025 09:38

Out of interest, have you met any of these ex's yet, or have they expressed an interest in meeting you?

I know that people can have only platonic friends. One of my ex's had a female BFF and they'd dated over 20 years ago. I wasn't bothered as he said that she 'drank too much' for him to be interested, and she had a husband by the time we started dating, so no worries... Until we all went out in a group and she spent the evening reminiscing about the things they'd done in the past all evening and gave me the side eye a lot, having attended without said husband. That's when I became cautious and more so when she appeared to see me as some sort of competition and amped it up once hearing about things we'd done together or were planning. So I would say meet them and see if there's anything to worry about.

I'm not a fan of SM and anyone who uses it a lot I worry about. You do sound insecure tbh, but I wonder if that's compounded by his 'shrugging off'. What does your gut tell you?

ChristmasFluff · 03/03/2025 10:41

You have completely different values, and your 'boundaries' are not boundaries, they are attempts to control him so you feel better.

In the end, this is what will split you up - those mismatched values and your attempts to control him so that you will feel better.

The only way to be boundaried here is to walk away from the situation because it is creating anxiety. Find someone you can accept as they are, without needing to change them in any way. Someone with shared values.

Original poster
KatarinaDe · 03/03/2025 11:57

ChristmasFluff · 03/03/2025 10:41

You have completely different values, and your 'boundaries' are not boundaries, they are attempts to control him so you feel better.

In the end, this is what will split you up - those mismatched values and your attempts to control him so that you will feel better.

The only way to be boundaried here is to walk away from the situation because it is creating anxiety. Find someone you can accept as they are, without needing to change them in any way. Someone with shared values.

Exactly, those are not boundaries. My boundaries are that i dont want to date someone who is still in contact with women who rejected him. absolutely right.

OP posts:
Original poster
KatarinaDe · 03/03/2025 11:58

Spooky2000 · 03/03/2025 09:38

Out of interest, have you met any of these ex's yet, or have they expressed an interest in meeting you?

I know that people can have only platonic friends. One of my ex's had a female BFF and they'd dated over 20 years ago. I wasn't bothered as he said that she 'drank too much' for him to be interested, and she had a husband by the time we started dating, so no worries... Until we all went out in a group and she spent the evening reminiscing about the things they'd done in the past all evening and gave me the side eye a lot, having attended without said husband. That's when I became cautious and more so when she appeared to see me as some sort of competition and amped it up once hearing about things we'd done together or were planning. So I would say meet them and see if there's anything to worry about.

I'm not a fan of SM and anyone who uses it a lot I worry about. You do sound insecure tbh, but I wonder if that's compounded by his 'shrugging off'. What does your gut tell you?

I think I dont like him really. He is great otherwise, but to me he is a bit sleezy as well.

OP posts:
Spooky2000 · 03/03/2025 14:18

Time to drop him then, love :)

Original poster
KatarinaDe · 03/03/2025 18:46

Thank you everyone, I broke up with. Thank you so much for your kind support! :)

OP posts:
CountryTunes · 03/03/2025 20:34

Well done.

smithey855 · 03/03/2025 20:48

Well done @KatarinaDe thats the fairest thing for him,

Holibobby · 03/03/2025 21:54

Is he called Tony by any chance?