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Original poster

Don’t know how to cope with the constant rejection

86 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 09:39

I have been seeing someone on and off for the last 2 years. He is 74 and I am 58. I thought I had found someone who would love me for who I am but it has been 2 years of rejection and pain.

About 2 months into the relationship I found that he was talking to women on Facebook who were in their 30’s, telling them how sexy they look etc. I was angry and hurt. I have low self esteem and hate the way I look. I have lipoedema and no self confidence whatsoever. Like a fool I forgave him and we tried to make it work and for a while it was ok then out of the blue he unceremoniously dumped me, he gave a load of excuses as to why but none of them rung true.

After about a month we started talking again and he asked me if we could try again, eventually I decided to give it a go. I have trust issues from previous relationships so this became an issue between us but I wanted it to work so I tried to control my thoughts and put aside my fears. He wanted to do a charity bike ride in memory of his son who had taken his life 5 years ago. I agreed to drive a small camper van for the 2 week journey. I had a feeling that he was messaging a woman and on the last day of the trip I confronted him and he admitted that he had been and it was turning romantic. It hurt like hell. I cried and ranted all the way home on the 5 hour journey.

I blocked him but after about 2 weeks he emailed me and we started talking again. We met up as friends and began spending a lot of time together, we were still intimate much to my shame. About a month ago he asked me to get back with him and that he was ready to commit, I thought about it for a while and agreed to try again. I thought that maybe it could work but within 2 weeks he told me he didn’t think he wanted to be in a relationship and I have found out this morning that he is talking to another woman. I am hurt and I feel humiliated that I have let this happen again. I have been completely dispensable to this man and I have no self respect left. I have blocked him now but I am hurting so much.

please please don’t tell me how stupid I am as I know only too well, I’m just hoping for thoughts on how I can get past this.

OP posts:
Busybusybusy73 · 26/02/2025 09:45

Keep him blocked on all forms of communication and move on. This isn't going to get better (take it from someone who has been there).

He wants to enjoy regular sex whilst keeping his options open. That's fine is you are comfortable with that (and the non-exclusivity goes two ways), but it sounds like it's very much not what you want.

GoldBeautifulHeart · 26/02/2025 09:52

Why are you doing this to yourself? And you are because you keep letting him come back. He knows he can disrespect you so much and you'll welcome him back. ☹️

No man is worth this. Please love yourself and send him packing. You do not deserve this life. Don't you want to be happy?

Meadowfinch · 26/02/2025 09:53

Stop seeing him. Kick him out of your life, block him on all channels and look for someone else. Someone kind.

Imgoingtobefree · 26/02/2025 09:58

I’m so sorry.

As already stated, he’s only using you for sex while he looks for better options.

This shows him to be shallow and a manipulative liar. He would do this to anyone because he will always be looking for someone “better”. Despite his age, he seems very entitled about what he deserves.

Remind yourself this is him, not you.

In situations like these I find journaling helps. Plus I write down phrases that I think might help and post them in places I see everyday.

I recently went through a difficult divorce. I posted reminders to my self that said Use Logic (not emotions). It helped me.

Best of luck.

Busybusybusy73 · 26/02/2025 10:04

Has he ever been in a committed long-term relationship?

It could be that this is habit of a lifetime and who he is.

However, divorced men can also be some of the worst for it. Like kids in a sweetie store.

CuteEasterBunny · 26/02/2025 10:08

He’s a 74 year old man…
Block the old leech.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 10:46

Thanks for the replies,

He was married for 30 years and he told me that he never strayed once and that when he makes a commitment he sticks to it.

It’s so blatantly clear that he has been using me and it hurts so much. I have lived my life feeling that I am never good enough and this now proves it. I hate myself right now for being so pathetic and gullible. I still love him deeply despite what he has put me through.

OP posts:
Judgejudysno1fan · 26/02/2025 10:52

Sorry, you're In your late 50s, still time in your life to find someone also round same age than be with some elderly creep. I cant imagine being with someone who has years away from death and them being a creep chasing very young women while you could still have 30 years ahead of maybe being with someone decent and kind.

He should be chuffed to have you, a woman a lot younger than him. But still wants other women that could be same age as his grand children. Yuck. Leave him and move on.

TwistedWonder · 26/02/2025 10:53

He’s a grubby dirty old creep acting like a 20 something fuckboy despite being in his dotage.

The fact there’s a huge age gap between you and he’s still chasing women young enough to be his (grand) daughters, comes across he’s looking for a nurse with a purse with regular sex as a bonus.

Sorry OP that you’re hurting but he’s a grim old perv and you’re so much better off without him

Im same age as you and I wouldn’t touch a man a decade or more older with a barge pole.

nc42day · 26/02/2025 11:01

You can move on from this, because you're not deeply in love with him, that's the good news. You're in some kind of unhealthy codependant arrangement with him, he is a 74 year old fuckboy and he's seen kindness and compassion in you and exploited it and made you feel like shit, and fooled you into thinking you're in love. This is not love. This is the opposite of love.

This isn't something you've done wrong, he is a dickhead. They walk amongst us and they don't suddenly become good men when their hair turns grey. His behaviour tells you this, very clearly. He has told you he was a good husband for 30 years, I think his wife would tell youl another story.

You've identified that your self esteem is in your boots, that's where to start. Google How To Raise My Self Esteem or Self Esteem Relationships
and make it your mission to take small steps towards feeling better about yourself. He's a cunt, keep him blocked and keep moving. You're worth much more than this waster.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 11:02

His age isn’t an issue it’s his behaviour and total disregard for the hurt that he has caused me. He’s a psychologist and very intellectual and that attracted me to him but he obviously only cares about himself. I wanted us to be together long term.

OP posts:
Icanttakethisanymore · 26/02/2025 11:07

He's 74, he not going to change. This is who he is. Unless you want to continue to be treated this way then you need to leave.

nc42day · 26/02/2025 11:12

Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 11:02

His age isn’t an issue it’s his behaviour and total disregard for the hurt that he has caused me. He’s a psychologist and very intellectual and that attracted me to him but he obviously only cares about himself. I wanted us to be together long term.

You wanted to be with him long term why?

What was it about him that made you feel that he was anywhere near good enough of capable of being a long term relationship when

About 2 months into the relationship I found that he was talking to women on Facebook who were in their 30’s, telling them how sexy they look

followed by a continual stream of disrespect and contemptuous behaviour? Because he's a psycholgist? That's not the way to choose a long term partner OP.

RightThenFred · 26/02/2025 11:17

He's a psychologist, fucking hell. And an intellectual. And he's messaging women four decades younger than him on Facebook saying "u look sexxyyy" (or maybe he phrases it in a more intellectual and psychologically impressive way).

No, what he is, is a creepy loser. I really hope time and distance will show you this. Go absolute cold turkey and fill your life with other things. Take a year off men.

Also - I know the feeling of rejection hurts. But please realise that he is getting nowhere with these other women. He's basically a pest who pops up on their phone. It's disrespectful to you, and hurtful - but I find it hurts less when you realise that these "other women" in the ether are not someone he's going to be waltzing off into the sunset with, having great and mutually satisfying sex, and all the things you wanted. No - he's not capable of that - because he's the kind of loser that behaves the way he does, and he will forever be going round in the same circle, deriving satisfaction only from the briefest and most tenuous of ego boosts (like a woman replying to his message).

TwistedWonder · 26/02/2025 11:23

You say his age isn’t an issue but it really is when he’s sleazing over women less than half his age and acting like a Neanderthal fuck boy.

And many men of his age are looking a nurse with a purse several decades younger - it’s a fact.

Please do t keep putting yourself up to be rejected and humiliated by this dirty old letch. As soon as you forgave him for being a creepy perv after a couple of months, you gave him green light to treat like you crap without any consequences.

Unfortunately predatory men like him sniff out vulnerability a mile off and your past history has made you overlook red flags that most women would have seen as dealbreakers

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 26/02/2025 11:25

Just keep imagining his wrinkly old cock and saggy, shriveled ball bag- surely that is enough for you to never want to go near him ever again

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 11:30

I was attracted to him for his intellect and how he conversed with me in the beginning, although I can see that was a tactic that he used to draw me in. I was a year out of a 20 year abusive relationship and he seemed to be a lovely caring man who understood my insecurities and appeared to find me very attractive.

How could I have been so stupid to continue to let him treat me with so much disrespect, it’s says a lot about me as a person.

OP posts:
RightThenFred · 26/02/2025 11:37

Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 11:30

I was attracted to him for his intellect and how he conversed with me in the beginning, although I can see that was a tactic that he used to draw me in. I was a year out of a 20 year abusive relationship and he seemed to be a lovely caring man who understood my insecurities and appeared to find me very attractive.

How could I have been so stupid to continue to let him treat me with so much disrespect, it’s says a lot about me as a person.

You said it here -

He understood your insecurities...

...and found you very attractive.

The two are linked.

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 26/02/2025 11:40

Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 11:30

I was attracted to him for his intellect and how he conversed with me in the beginning, although I can see that was a tactic that he used to draw me in. I was a year out of a 20 year abusive relationship and he seemed to be a lovely caring man who understood my insecurities and appeared to find me very attractive.

How could I have been so stupid to continue to let him treat me with so much disrespect, it’s says a lot about me as a person.

Oh OP, it doesn't mean that you are stupid and it doesn't say anything negative about you as a person - what it does say is that you had the gross misfortune to have encountered an arch manipulator, morally bankrupt, sleezy, nauseating, pathetic, abusive excuse for a 'man'. Don't berate yourself, just cut him out of your life entirely, heal and move on. Please do not allow this toad to 'hoover' you in again

TwistedWonder · 26/02/2025 11:46

Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 11:30

I was attracted to him for his intellect and how he conversed with me in the beginning, although I can see that was a tactic that he used to draw me in. I was a year out of a 20 year abusive relationship and he seemed to be a lovely caring man who understood my insecurities and appeared to find me very attractive.

How could I have been so stupid to continue to let him treat me with so much disrespect, it’s says a lot about me as a person.

You’re not stupid. He’s a manipulative arsehole who is probably very experienced at gaslighting and reeling people in.

Sadly coming out of an abusive relationship often makes you far more vulnerable to getting into another as your boundaries regarding what’s acceptable are skewered by years of being worn down.

Take a look at The Freedom Programme / its highly recommended after an abusive relationship

BeachRide · 26/02/2025 11:50

Think of the example you're giving your daughter. Do you think she deserves better? Then apply the same logic to you.

EnchantedForestNearTheRiver · 26/02/2025 11:54

Your previous relationship has left you vulnerable to abuse from this coffin dodger. It’s the same for me which is why I won’t date until I’m fully recovered.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 11:59

I was in two years of therapy after my previous abusive relationship which actually helped me to believe in and like myself, now I feel back where I was before I started the therapy.

OP posts:
nc42day · 26/02/2025 12:03

You're not stupid OP, don't do it to yourself. You happen to have had twenty years of training with your ex which has ground you down and programmed you which probably followed some aspect of learning from your childhood that your role was to be compliant in the face of someone treating you like shit, and believe that you didn't have another option and that's all you were worth. It's not true.

Commit yourself to a plan of action before you date again to see if you can undo some of those beliefs, Here's a link to the Freedom Programme previously mentioned and there's heaps of resource online about self esteem if you can't get yourself any professional therapy?

nc42day · 26/02/2025 12:05

Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 11:59

I was in two years of therapy after my previous abusive relationship which actually helped me to believe in and like myself, now I feel back where I was before I started the therapy.

You can do it, you've done it before, don't let him have this power over you. Pick yourself up and start again, it's a life long continuous work, you won't be "fixed" after two years of therapy, it's an ongoing practice.

This is a hiccup, not the end. Back yourself, keep going.