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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don’t know how to cope with the constant rejection

86 replies

Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 09:39

I have been seeing someone on and off for the last 2 years. He is 74 and I am 58. I thought I had found someone who would love me for who I am but it has been 2 years of rejection and pain.

About 2 months into the relationship I found that he was talking to women on Facebook who were in their 30’s, telling them how sexy they look etc. I was angry and hurt. I have low self esteem and hate the way I look. I have lipoedema and no self confidence whatsoever. Like a fool I forgave him and we tried to make it work and for a while it was ok then out of the blue he unceremoniously dumped me, he gave a load of excuses as to why but none of them rung true.

After about a month we started talking again and he asked me if we could try again, eventually I decided to give it a go. I have trust issues from previous relationships so this became an issue between us but I wanted it to work so I tried to control my thoughts and put aside my fears. He wanted to do a charity bike ride in memory of his son who had taken his life 5 years ago. I agreed to drive a small camper van for the 2 week journey. I had a feeling that he was messaging a woman and on the last day of the trip I confronted him and he admitted that he had been and it was turning romantic. It hurt like hell. I cried and ranted all the way home on the 5 hour journey.

I blocked him but after about 2 weeks he emailed me and we started talking again. We met up as friends and began spending a lot of time together, we were still intimate much to my shame. About a month ago he asked me to get back with him and that he was ready to commit, I thought about it for a while and agreed to try again. I thought that maybe it could work but within 2 weeks he told me he didn’t think he wanted to be in a relationship and I have found out this morning that he is talking to another woman. I am hurt and I feel humiliated that I have let this happen again. I have been completely dispensable to this man and I have no self respect left. I have blocked him now but I am hurting so much.

please please don’t tell me how stupid I am as I know only too well, I’m just hoping for thoughts on how I can get past this.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 26/02/2025 19:06

Considering his age and profession I don’t think he’s a creep, I think he’s a predator.
It is not your concern but I find his behaviour disturbing as he must also meet some very vulnerable women at work.
I am going to suggest that considering his ‘intellect’ why isn’t he dating someone who he could ‘think of’ as an equal? To put it bluntly, they probably wouldn’t be interested.
So he is targeting women he knows are vulnerable, because he can then do to them what he has done to you.
Sadly, some people who work in MH are warped - it’s the old story of where to hide a tree? In a forest. They have their own issues and go into a profession where they mask them.
Please stay away and keep away. You sound very fragile and this man is dangerous.
And whatever his intellect is, he is a nasty piece of work.
You are worth so, so, so much more. You deserve someone who treats you with care.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 27/02/2025 12:32

I’m really struggling to stop myself messaging him. How do I stay strong when I’m missing him so much?

OP posts:
crankytoes · 27/02/2025 12:34

Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 10:46

Thanks for the replies,

He was married for 30 years and he told me that he never strayed once and that when he makes a commitment he sticks to it.

It’s so blatantly clear that he has been using me and it hurts so much. I have lived my life feeling that I am never good enough and this now proves it. I hate myself right now for being so pathetic and gullible. I still love him deeply despite what he has put me through.

You don't love him. You are trauma bonded to him.
You can't love someone being horrible to you. It's not love you are feeling.

crankytoes · 27/02/2025 12:36

Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 11:02

His age isn’t an issue it’s his behaviour and total disregard for the hurt that he has caused me. He’s a psychologist and very intellectual and that attracted me to him but he obviously only cares about himself. I wanted us to be together long term.

But his age is relevant. If he has got to 74 without learning appropriate behaviour especially as a psychologist then he's a complete waste of space.

His age is relevant because he is messaging women young enough to be his granddaughter. He is deluded and creepy

MemorableTrenchcoat · 27/02/2025 12:39

Kaylasmum49 · 27/02/2025 12:32

I’m really struggling to stop myself messaging him. How do I stay strong when I’m missing him so much?

Block him and delete all his numbers, email addresses etc, as has already been suggested to you several times.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 27/02/2025 12:42

I have blocked him but I’m feeling so raw and hurt

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 27/02/2025 12:46

Kaylasmum49 · 27/02/2025 12:42

I have blocked him but I’m feeling so raw and hurt

You’ll feel raw and hurt when he abuses you again. Take your pick.

BMW6 · 27/02/2025 12:52

Kaylasmum49 · 27/02/2025 12:42

I have blocked him but I’m feeling so raw and hurt

Sure, but those feelings will fade away over time IF YOU STOP HAVING ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM

When these feelings overwhelm you DO something - even if it's just a walk to get out in the fresh air. Do some exercise. A puzzle. But don't just sit there moping about it.

YesImawitch · 27/02/2025 12:54

Kaylasmum49 · 26/02/2025 12:15

I just want this pain my chest and the utter sadness and shame that I feel to go away

Why are you feeling shame about his behaviour?
It's a reflection of him not you

You are not back where you were before -2 years not 20 and you are out the others side free of this lying, cheating creep
Next time don't fall for the flannel, take things very slowly and be aware of red flags.

SparklyDog · 27/02/2025 13:03

He's a wanker why are you crying over a dickhead. Pure love is with your children or animals and pets and next time choose men who like you 10 times more, usually they will be the physically unattractive men who will be so grateful for your company and attention. A flamboyant master manipulator like your ex is so narcissistic and knows to use his therapist cap to lure women in. The old fart is trying to make up for lost time.
I wish men were different but they aren't. They are incapable of loving like we do. So save your heart for animals and see men as useful or not. Stop expecting love and loyalty from them.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 27/02/2025 13:14

SparklyDog · 27/02/2025 13:03

He's a wanker why are you crying over a dickhead. Pure love is with your children or animals and pets and next time choose men who like you 10 times more, usually they will be the physically unattractive men who will be so grateful for your company and attention. A flamboyant master manipulator like your ex is so narcissistic and knows to use his therapist cap to lure women in. The old fart is trying to make up for lost time.
I wish men were different but they aren't. They are incapable of loving like we do. So save your heart for animals and see men as useful or not. Stop expecting love and loyalty from them.

What a ridiculous overgeneralisation.

ItGhoul · 27/02/2025 14:31

Kaylasmum49 · 27/02/2025 12:32

I’m really struggling to stop myself messaging him. How do I stay strong when I’m missing him so much?

What, exactly, are you missing about this total cunt? Are you missing the constant humiliation of him cheating on you? Are you missing the insecurity of him dumping you every five minutes? Are you missing the demands for you and your teenage son give up a month of your lives to chauffeur him around for his vanity charity project in a van with no washing facilities? Are you missing him making you feel small all the time because he has made it clear (as you said in your other post) that he is 'more intellectual' than you?

He didn't make you happy. He treated you poorly. He manipulated you and bullied you. He's also an embarrassing old fart who, in his mid-70s, was sending creepy messages to women 40 years younger than him. Honestly, ask yourself how you can miss someone who is a cringeworthy, embarrassing saddo of the kind that gets roundly mocked on social media for being an ageing sex-pest.

You need to buck up, stop feeling sorry for yourself, get some therapy to build your self-esteem and realise that you can do a whole lot bloody better than cruel, controlling, creepy old fuckwits like this tosser. Have some dignity and stop crawling back to people who treat you like shit.

nc42day · 27/02/2025 18:53

Kaylasmum49 · 27/02/2025 12:42

I have blocked him but I’m feeling so raw and hurt

Well you know what to do if you want to feel raw and hurt for the rest of your life. You can unblock him and keep the door open and he will be back, treating you like shit on his shoe.

Realise that you are actually in control of your choices, that you're a grown woman not his mindless rag, and choose differently from now on. It really is up to you, nobody else is going to do this for you.

If you don't want to spend the rest of your life being treated badly, then there's got to come a point where you decide that's not what you want and change your behaviour. You get to decide when that is.

Tarquinthecat · 27/02/2025 18:57

I echo many others when I say keep well away from this man. He is causing you nothing but worry and misery and messing you about and making you feel bad about yourself. That's the last thing you need.

You don't need this man or indeed any man to validate you or make you feel that you are a worthwhile person; you need to concentrate on loving yourself. I promise you, you don't need him and you don't need any man.

TwistedWonder · 27/02/2025 18:59

ItGhoul · 27/02/2025 14:31

What, exactly, are you missing about this total cunt? Are you missing the constant humiliation of him cheating on you? Are you missing the insecurity of him dumping you every five minutes? Are you missing the demands for you and your teenage son give up a month of your lives to chauffeur him around for his vanity charity project in a van with no washing facilities? Are you missing him making you feel small all the time because he has made it clear (as you said in your other post) that he is 'more intellectual' than you?

He didn't make you happy. He treated you poorly. He manipulated you and bullied you. He's also an embarrassing old fart who, in his mid-70s, was sending creepy messages to women 40 years younger than him. Honestly, ask yourself how you can miss someone who is a cringeworthy, embarrassing saddo of the kind that gets roundly mocked on social media for being an ageing sex-pest.

You need to buck up, stop feeling sorry for yourself, get some therapy to build your self-esteem and realise that you can do a whole lot bloody better than cruel, controlling, creepy old fuckwits like this tosser. Have some dignity and stop crawling back to people who treat you like shit.

Show quote history

100% - come on OP see what’s in front of your eyes.

It might be hard to hear but this sleazy old pervert doesn’t give a shit about you. You need to get a grip of reality and put the energy you’re wasting obsessing over this disgusting dirty old man into you and your son.

You've laid down like a doormat and begged this sleaze bag to wipe his feet on you. Stop it. Find some self respect, recover any dignity you have left and cut this vile creature off for good.

Yrs it’s hard because you’re trauma bonded but wake up - there’s nothing to love about this rancid geriatric old fossil making himself a laughing stock. He’s humiliating himself with his letching, don’t let him continue to humiliate you too.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 27/02/2025 19:46

I feel the need to say that my son comes first and always will, I would never compromise on that! I know I can’t go back to him but that doesn’t change how I feel right now.

for the person that asked why I feel shame, I feel shame that I have fallen for his lies over and over again. I appreciate all the replies but I don’t think it’s necessary to make me feel more ashamed of my behaviour than I already am.

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 27/02/2025 19:50

Kaylasmum49 · 27/02/2025 19:46

I feel the need to say that my son comes first and always will, I would never compromise on that! I know I can’t go back to him but that doesn’t change how I feel right now.

for the person that asked why I feel shame, I feel shame that I have fallen for his lies over and over again. I appreciate all the replies but I don’t think it’s necessary to make me feel more ashamed of my behaviour than I already am.

Then why are you struggling to stop yourself messaging this man? Put your son first and cut this man out of your life altogether.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 28/02/2025 01:25

I have already stated that my son always comes first. I can’t help that I’m hurting. I have no intentions of letting my ex back into my life, but this isn’t easy

OP posts:
Teanbiscuits33 · 28/02/2025 01:34

This guy sounds like a fucking creep, mid 70s flirting with 30’s women? He’s even too old for you I’d say. It’s not you, it’s him. Don’t settle for creeps because you feel like you can’t do better. Don’t think about whether they like you, but whether you like them. Sounds like your low self esteem is making you appear desperate and thus attracting the wrong ones. Consider therapy and dump this sad act creep.

Herewegoagainz · 28/02/2025 02:03

You shouldn’t feel any shame. He should. Write yourself a note to remind yourself that you are amazing, and he is a weird old creep. He will hurt you again, so even though you feel awful now it will not always be like that. But if you stay on the merry go round of his bullshit you will feel bad indefinitely.

jubs15 · 28/02/2025 07:24

He is a 74-year-old pensioner perving after women young enough to be his granddaughters. He has no shame and no respect for you. He has learnt that he can behave however he wishes because you keep taking him back. Please find the strength to kick him to the kerb and never let him back into your life. You will be much happier without this dirty old man!

SparklyDog · 28/02/2025 07:51

Sorry i'm confused why you mention your son comes first?

Foxlovesfruit · 28/02/2025 07:56

74? OP He'll be 80 in 6 years with potentially all sorts of medical problems. You'll be 64 and still very much in your prime. Please try and move on from him or this pattern with continue and you'll end up being his carer. If this man had treated you well, with mutual love and respect then fine, but he absolutely hasn't. Please do not waste anymore of your life on this foolish old letch.

Original poster
Kaylasmum49 · 28/02/2025 09:01

SparklyDog, I mentioned that my son comes first because another poster told me to put my son first. There has never been question about that. I have 5 children and they are my priority.

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 28/02/2025 09:04

OP I have lipoedema and I understand how it erodes your confidence and affects your everyday life. I'm not sure people realise just how debilitating the condition can be. But nevertheless you are as valid a person as someone without the condition. This man is playing on your insecurity. You deserve better. I'm sending you strength to get past him.

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