Don’t know how to cope with the constant rejection

[Kaylasmum49]

I have been seeing someone on and off for the last 2 years. He is 74 and I am 58. I thought I had found someone who would love me for who I am but it has been 2 years of rejection and pain.

About 2 months into the relationship I found that he was talking to women on Facebook who were in their 30’s, telling them how sexy they look etc. I was angry and hurt. I have low self esteem and hate the way I look. I have lipoedema and no self confidence whatsoever. Like a fool I forgave him and we tried to make it work and for a while it was ok then out of the blue he unceremoniously dumped me, he gave a load of excuses as to why but none of them rung true.

After about a month we started talking again and he asked me if we could try again, eventually I decided to give it a go. I have trust issues from previous relationships so this became an issue between us but I wanted it to work so I tried to control my thoughts and put aside my fears. He wanted to do a charity bike ride in memory of his son who had taken his life 5 years ago. I agreed to drive a small camper van for the 2 week journey. I had a feeling that he was messaging a woman and on the last day of the trip I confronted him and he admitted that he had been and it was turning romantic. It hurt like hell. I cried and ranted all the way home on the 5 hour journey.

I blocked him but after about 2 weeks he emailed me and we started talking again. We met up as friends and began spending a lot of time together, we were still intimate much to my shame. About a month ago he asked me to get back with him and that he was ready to commit, I thought about it for a while and agreed to try again. I thought that maybe it could work but within 2 weeks he told me he didn’t think he wanted to be in a relationship and I have found out this morning that he is talking to another woman. I am hurt and I feel humiliated that I have let this happen again. I have been completely dispensable to this man and I have no self respect left. I have blocked him now but I am hurting so much.

please please don’t tell me how stupid I am as I know only too well, I’m just hoping for thoughts on how I can get past this.

This will pass given time. Whenever you're tempted think of the horrible things he's done to you!

People like him will treat you like you let them treat you. You're not passive and powerless, you're 50% of this toxic unhealthy unhappy "relationship' and it doesn't exist as soon as you decide it doesn't.

The shame you feel will lift when you work out what your values are, and stay true to them. We all make mistakes but you need to have some solid boundaries and beliefs so you can brush yourself down and start again and forgive yourself. Start now.

I know I shouldn’t miss him or be tempted to contact him but I am struggling. I can’t make sense of my feelings at all, I know it’s the right decision to have no contact so why am I feeling so miserable. I am concerned about him as he has been receiving treatment for cancer and I was going to take him to his next treatment. I’ll not know if he’s going to be ok or not. Despite everything he has done I care about him.

You feel sad because you are a decent person and it’s confusing when you meet someone who is not.
I am sorry to hear the cancer update and any normal person would worry. But @Kaylasmum49 this man is abusive. Where had he been all of the times you have been upset? Nowhere.
He met you when you were vulnerable and the scars from that long abusive relationship have not healed.
To have the knowledge he has around this, in his work, and yet to use it to hurt, rather than help, marks him out as a particularly vile man.
He has shown no care about your health.
You feel low because someone you thought was different and kind turned out to be neither, and you feel if the ‘nice’ him turned up again, it would make your life feel okay again.
It won’t because it’s not real. A decent therapist (of the irony!) would tell you to acknowledge your feelings and notice them. But in time they will lesson if you stay away from him.
I know it’s hard but don’t message him.

I think I’m struggling to adjust to how things are now, we video called most days and now there’s nothing. I loved our conversations, we could talk for hours. This hurts so much!

He sounds dreadful amd is far too old for you. Get rid and find somebody nicer.

What did he do for you that makes you still love him even now after all that has happened.

There's not "nothing". There's peace and self respect and showing your children that you're capable of making good choices, and a chance to get yourself into a position where you'll be able to spot an abusive user and avoid in future rather than repeating this cycle for the rest of your life.

It really is your choice how you frame this, you can work with what you've got and move forward well, or continue to self sabotage but you really are your own worst enemy until you get your head around this.

Did you manage to do something nice to cheer yourself up this weekend, OP?

nc42day I know I’m coming across as pathetic but I can’t help my emotions. I’m hurting so much and I’m trying to cover it up in front of my family. I am missing our interactions and feel so lonely.

I wasn’t going to add the fact that I’m autistic into this but due to this I find change incredibly difficult and I feel rejection more than some people might. I’m not making excuses for myself, this is just a part of me.

CountessDraculastrikes

I have spent a lot of time with my daughter and granddaughter which has lifted my spirits