Don’t know how to cope with the constant rejection

[Kaylasmum49]

I have been seeing someone on and off for the last 2 years. He is 74 and I am 58. I thought I had found someone who would love me for who I am but it has been 2 years of rejection and pain.

About 2 months into the relationship I found that he was talking to women on Facebook who were in their 30’s, telling them how sexy they look etc. I was angry and hurt. I have low self esteem and hate the way I look. I have lipoedema and no self confidence whatsoever. Like a fool I forgave him and we tried to make it work and for a while it was ok then out of the blue he unceremoniously dumped me, he gave a load of excuses as to why but none of them rung true.

After about a month we started talking again and he asked me if we could try again, eventually I decided to give it a go. I have trust issues from previous relationships so this became an issue between us but I wanted it to work so I tried to control my thoughts and put aside my fears. He wanted to do a charity bike ride in memory of his son who had taken his life 5 years ago. I agreed to drive a small camper van for the 2 week journey. I had a feeling that he was messaging a woman and on the last day of the trip I confronted him and he admitted that he had been and it was turning romantic. It hurt like hell. I cried and ranted all the way home on the 5 hour journey.

I blocked him but after about 2 weeks he emailed me and we started talking again. We met up as friends and began spending a lot of time together, we were still intimate much to my shame. About a month ago he asked me to get back with him and that he was ready to commit, I thought about it for a while and agreed to try again. I thought that maybe it could work but within 2 weeks he told me he didn’t think he wanted to be in a relationship and I have found out this morning that he is talking to another woman. I am hurt and I feel humiliated that I have let this happen again. I have been completely dispensable to this man and I have no self respect left. I have blocked him now but I am hurting so much.

please please don’t tell me how stupid I am as I know only too well, I’m just hoping for thoughts on how I can get past this.

@RightThenFred that sums it up nicely - might be a good idea if he took a look at himself psychologically!! Because all I'm seeing is a dirty old weirdo who uses nice women

I just want this pain my chest and the utter sadness and shame that I feel to go away

You are only 58 plenty of time to get out there and find someone else or live your life as a fantastic single woman. Don't let this idiot make you feel worthless. Being on your own is not worse than being with a man who obviously doesn't love or respect you.

Keep him blocked, avoid any contact as otherwise you will be sucked right back in by the love you have for this man only for him to probably message some other woman or dump you. And once again you will feel hurt and rejected. You will get over him in time, he's not worthy of you.

I think you made the error of thinking that a 'nice' old man would be a good safe bet after your bad experience and would appreciate and care for you. Unfortunately you've discovered there are wrong 'uns in every age and intellectual bracket. Even if he were the nicest man in the world though, he's nearly 80 years old, while you're only middle aged. That would have involved a lot of compromises for you had it worked out, so really you've dodged a bullet here. If you're willing to include much older men in your dating pool however, I guarantee you won't be short of offers and will be able to find a better man if you want one.

I am so sorry, I do know just how this feels and it's physically awful. Even if you know in your head that he's not worthy and it's not your fault, your body still feels humiliated. To help with that, remember that he will think most highly of you when he can't have you or see you or speak to you. Keep your distance, keep your pride. One day at a time.

Throw out the rubbish for good

So he's an educated and clever old cunt.

What a catch. Not.

You're hurting now but I promise you will not feel this pain in future. I guarantee that if you maintain zero contact with him you will go through all the stages of grief and in the end will.be indifferent to his existence.

They say it takes a year to fully grieve. You'll then be free of pain and at his age hopefully he'll have died or at least bd incapable of shagging around any more! 😏

The only way you can cope and end the pain is to stop all contact now and give him no avenues to contact you. It will hurt for a while but you will recover. In he meantime use your time to focus on yourself, hobbies and friendships.

Fwiw he sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Honestly all the education, intellect and wisdom that comes with age and he’s still acting like a horny creep chasing women young enough to be his granddaughter who i guarantee think he’s a sleazy old pervert

In time you will see this sad deluded old sex pest for exactly what he is and hopefully you cringe, shudder and laugh at what you could have seen in him. But the first step is to go NC and stick to it

When you let these disrespectful assholes who treat you poorly stay in your life, it erodes your self respect and esteem and you then come to think of yourself as less and less. Don't let anyone into your life or stay in it who doesn't treat you with respect.

You've let this guy back in twice after he's treated you poorly. Look at his actions. Does he act like a man who really wants to be with you? Has he done any work to change himself? Big hint: He's in his mid 70s. He's not going to change. So with that in mind, put the trash out.

Take yourself on a nice date somewhere you've wanted to go for a while. Sign up for a class in something you've always wanted to do. Treat yourself like you matter and other people will too.

He sounds horrible. If he’s a psychologist he knows EXACTLY how he is messing with your head and doing it deliberately.
Sleazing over younger women on Facebook is so creepy.
At his age it’s not like you would have decades left together and in the not so distant future he will probably be looking to you to be his carer. You have time on your side, don’t waste any more precious years on this waste of space man.
I know it’s hard when you are going through a break-up and it’s all easier said than done, but this man really isn’t worth anymore of your time. He is the epitome of a dirty old man.

A man trained to understand vulnerability and psychological reactions and connections sexualising women he doesn't know who are 40 years younger than him. Pulling you in then pushing you away and playing mind games with you. This guy is dangerous to you mental health. Get away from him. God knows what he got up to in his career if he lacks this boundaries now.

How did you meet him? I hope it had nothing to do with the counselling you had.

Really sorry you're in so much pain but the only way forward is to block him and in time see what a lucky escape you've had. You deserve so much more!

Get past it by telling yourself he was a horrible man who treats women badly. None of his behaviour was your fault. That's literally all there is to it. Breathe a sigh of relief and move on now.

I met him on a dating site. I know I need to move on but right now I’m really struggling at the thought of never seeing him again

Absolutely. OP, block him and don't see him again. Get back into therapy. You'll be OK.

Have a think about why you would want to see him again given that he made you feel like shit and treated you so badly. Why would that be?

It's not love, it's unhealthy dependancy because you hold beliefs about yourself and the world that are leading you believe that what you had from him, and felt for him was love. It's the opposite of love. Channel that into doing something about it, get curious about how you can change your thinking, get on YouTube, listen to podcasts, there's heaps of resource out there, instead of pining for something that was damaging you.

And i guarantee he’s one of those creepy old men any of us who have used OLD have come across who constantly chases women decades his junior thinking he’s all that and a bag of chips, getting constantly knocked back but still convinced he’s Gods gift

OP, you've posted about this man before, haven't you? He wasn't treating you at all well. He basically just announced to you that you would be driving the van for him on his bike ride - despite the fact that it has no shower or proper facilities. (And didn't you also have to drag your autistic adult son along with you even though you knew he'd hate it?!)

I think in that other thread, pretty much everyone told you to tell this man to fuck right off. It was clear that he was using you and manipulating you and massively taking advantage of the fact that you struggle with boundaries.

What you need to do is block him on everything and either get some counselling/therapy or read some appropriate self-help books on boundaries and self-esteem. I'm guessing here, but I bet you've been in long-term abusive relationships before you met this elderly, cheating, controlling wanker, haven't you?

Honestly, he's HORRIBLE and you could do so much better.

Live alone! Especially at 58 and you have a child already.
It’s great!

There are loads of happily single women.Why put up with an abusive user?

Please stop blaming yourself. This man sounds like a manipulative loser. I would lay money on him not having been monogamous in his marriage either. As a psychologist, of course he knows exactly what to say to get you where he wants you. It is a shame that you didn’t abandon him on his bike ride but the best thing you can do now is block and move on.

He may be an intelligent and educated man Op but he's not a kind man, he's used your insecurities and past history against you, he's taken advantage and used you as a partner until he could find the much, much younger woman he really wanted. Every time he behaves so badly and you still take him back makes you feel worse and massages his ego, time for it to stop Op, once and for all.
He won't change, maybe he feels being faithful all those years means he missed out and he's now desperately trying to recapture his youth but he's 74, unless he's massively wealthy no 30 year old will go near him and then only for his money.Please don't hang around letting him make you feel bad, he's not worth your time or your tears

Dear god, the man is an absolute creep, perving at women young enough to be his granddaughter. He's vile.

You must know that you deserve better than a creepy old man who uses you when it suits him? Pain is temporary.

OP - I have just caught up with your previous threads and there were so many red flags from the start which you questioned but chose to disregard all the advice.

Please don’t do the same with this thread. This man is an absolutely sleazy grubby creepy perv who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself.

Please please don’t let him reel you back

He is a psychologist who has used his professional knowledge to exploit a vulnerable woman.

Of course he understood you, he has been trained to do that.

You shouldn’t be in a relationship. Even knowing all this you remain attached.