Handhold needed - think we're over

[heartbrokenlost]

Just had a big argument with DP. We just cannot see eye to eye on our relationship at all. We have 2 kids and I'm just so lost as to what to do next. In my heart I know we're not right for eachother and I could be happier elsewhere but I am so scared of the implications/finances etc of splitting.

I need to try and sleep and see if we can talk calmly in the morning but honestly I think this is it.

He's definitely got a touch of the Andrew Tates about him- thing is OP initially as women we often want to do things initially to make someone happy but unless you have kids already it's usually when we have more time, money and less demands on him apart from having a nice time- the sad thing is these men just don't step up that extra bit when you get a house/kids etc- it's still all about them

I find it so depressing that in 2025 so many men are refusing to take equal or proportionate responsibility for childcare and housework .
I know that in the past , it was blamed on mothers staying at home so did everything so the sons didn’t lift a finger but surely that’s not the case now ? I am late 60s and have 3 adult DC and would be furious if my 39 year old son wasn’t pulling his weight and leaving everything to his wife ! Happily he seems to do his fair share which he had to do along with his sisters while growing up .

Divorce and make sure you include pensions.

This is no way to live.

Maybe after she's left him she'd benefit from counselling, but this man is vile and abusive and she needs to focus on leaving.

He sounds completely unreasonable.

I expect you feel resentment towards him which also affects your libido as well as being tired from too much on your shoulders.

He can't seem to wrap his head around the fact that I spend 100% of my time between around 7am-around 830pm minimum giving myself to kids/housework/work, and that maybe when i finally get to switch off i dont then want to have to 'give' my time to pleasing him (ew - sorry didnt know of another way to phrase it). he then takes it so personally 'oh its shit being with someone who doesnt fancy you' - can he not understand that it isnt about him?! im allowed to want some time where i dont have others expectations on me.

our 2 DCs are girls and i have said to him what would you say if they were with someone like that and he just dismissed it

Honestly I can't see a reason you would stay, this man makes your life harder and his relationship with you is a bad influence on your daughters.
It sounds like you're coming to the realisation that your deserve better and he'll never change, so get your finances in order and walk out the door.
I hope you find the happiness and freedom you deserve.

I feel like you are describing my life.
I am having the exact same arguements with my husband.
Except I only work 28 hours a week, but he only sees things in terms of money so the fact that I do 95% of the childcare, all the domestic work is completey invisible to him. Howver I am still expected to contribute 50% of the bills and then I am moaned at because he 'has to ' pay more for holidays, or family days out.
I am literally exploding with rage at how worthless he makes me feel.
The sex stuff is the exact same, but I have realised that sex is the only way he expresses intimacy so if i refuse it, it's a much bigger deal for him. Like I am rejecting him.

About twice a year we have catastrophic rows and that result in us 'ending' our marriage but he always changes his mind as he realises how much hassle it'd be to be single and coparent.

@heartbrokenlost I don't know if this has been posted yet, as I've not quite finished the whole thread, but this is worth a read, and possibly getting him to read it... only if you think there's a chance he may finally get it. .

matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

I had one like this too (they seem very common!). He ended up cheating and we split and I thank the lord every day that it happened as I didn't have the courage to leave (they are married now and I genuinely feel sorry for her)
But it's so much easier looking after just yourself and DC and not feeling the need to perform every night. Actually it's bliss!
Feel the fear and do it anyway.....good luck

Unfortunately OP he sounds like a selfish prat who isn’t going to change. There’s a lot of entitlement by the sounds of it.
He will be in for a shock when he’s got to clean his own home and fully parent his own kids while you are off enjoying your free time and no doubt in time meeting a nicer man. Best of luck to you

@heartbrokenlost If you're actually legally married, you'd be entitled to a share of his pension, should you divorce.

Doesn't matter that's he's contributing more financially.

You are contributing equally, just in different ways, but your contribution in the form of looking after kids and house are equally as important in a divorce (if not more so, especially if your own career has suffered to bolster his).

This sounds hideous. He sounds hideous. You will never reason him into behaving like a decent human because it isn't in his interest; he likes that he doesn't have to do anything, and if you're run ragged for that to happen, well, he doesn't really care. I'm sorry you've been so badly treated. I hope you leave him, for your own sake and for the sake of your daughters who will be internalising all this and might end up modeling their own relationships on it.

I understand how you feel and would feel exactly the same way as would most women I imagine.

@heartbrokenlost you aren't alone. Your P is deeply disrespecting you - it sounds like he doesn't even like you 😳

You could read Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That?" but the answer always is SPOILER ALERT "because he can!"

It must feel very difficult now but I promise you, your future is much brighter without this loser dragging you down and treating you like his house elf.

Make your plans. Dump him!

It is worth remembering at this point - you don't have to argue with him.

You have discussed things endlessly. He doesn't agree. He shoots you down. He clearly believes he is very special person who is esteemed and elevated well above you with your lowly "vagina serving servant" status.

You've made all your points - he doesn't agree.

You need to know you don't have to argue with him. You don't have to discuss things with him. In fact there is no point arguing & discussing things with a man like this. You can decide to leave, and grey rock him. Talking with men like this is extremely frustrating and does NOTHING for YOU!!

So remember you can let arging go. It is a huge life changing relief to realise this.

Oh well, he will have to share his lovely big pension pot with you if you divorce the wanker.

Get legal advice and bin him.

I'd love to know what men like this think they're bringing to the table. He wants a woman to pay 50% of the bills, do almost all the housework, childcare and cooking, and have (no doubt bad) sex with him everyday. OK, and what's he offering in return, or does that not even occur to men like this?
OP he's a misogynistic dead weight around your neck, you'll be so much better off without him.

This is DARVO, a classic abusive tactic, now so well-known it’s got an acronym. It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender

He denies he’s doing anything wrong, attacks you for your entirely reasonable complaints, then claims he’s the one being abused/victimised. I’m sure he does this a lot.

It really messes with your head, but once you learn to recognise it for what it is, it gets easier.

I really feel for you, and send you strength.

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like they are married. I bet that was a deliberate choice by the selfish git so he could hang on to "his" money.

Oh no! So sorry, I missed that. 🤬

I think the most important part of your post is that you have two daughters - if you stay with this 'man' you are setting a terrible example for them. Of course he is too, but what you do about the situation is what will stay with them as they grow up.

Unfortunately you've got yourself tied up with the new breed of sexist, misogynistic male chauvinist pig. This new breed of MCP is far worse than the original 50s/60s/70s version - they wanted their women to do all the domestic/child rearing stuff, but the women weren't expected to work outside the home....the new breed wants all of that, but also for the women to earn and pay 50/50, even if they aren't earning an equal wage!

This isn't a true partnership. He still thinks like a single man - his money is his and he doesn't want to share it with you on a equal basis. In his twisted mind, 50/50 is 'fair', that it's not his fault you aren't earning the same as him. The domestic stuff...well that's women's work, isn't it? He'll be of the type that says 'but women do it better', like having a vagina automatically makes you maternal and want to mop the kitchen floor. All of it a load of fucking insulting bollocks, of course.

I'd stop arguing with him, he's never going to see your point of view. Words speak louder than actions, and your actions should be to separate from him as soon as humanly possible.

All of the above.

What gets me is that he thinks all his complaining, rudeness, lack of help with the household or the children, his tightfistedness when it comes to joint spending in general, and general sheer selfishness, makes him so sexually attractive. To treat you like that is just appauling.

He sounds absolutely ghastly.

you deserve better by the sounds of it. If it were me, id stop doing his washing and meals for him - let him do it if it only takes 5 mins. Let him see what you do and how hard it is. I really empathise for you, it must be making you feel so worthless to have to keep trying to show how exhausted you are & that you need help. I'm in a similar situ in marriage breaking down but we arent as fairly placed with finances, i have no money and work very little, my husband helps a lot around the house but as with most mothers, the domestic load & kids is mostly on me. But our marriage/union, we just dont like each other, we dont chat, laugh, rely on one another. We just live together. Its a hard pill to swallow accepting the end is here and when to walk.

@FreeRider I couldn't agree more- the new breed really take the biscuit- want to do fuck all domestically and leave it to the woman but also want them working plenty of hours and then saying costs are 50/50 - oh and expect to be able to watch porn, go to gym as much as they want, go on multiple stag nights great expense etc - with a suck it up woman attitude - 'all' men do this'