Absolutely grossed out by partners sexual history

[LeoLibra18]

Not sure how people will respond to this but I met my partner at work, and we've been on and off (more on than off) for around 3 years.
I slept with someone else at work and I told him this and he was horrified. (You know the one... Workplace fling and all that)
SINCE THEN I have learned that he has had multiple sexual partners met at work, and he thinks I've not added all of this up with timings and that, and there's cross overs which he denies, but it's obvious he's been playing the field... I think I've realised that actually, he's a bit of a dog. Or at least he used to be before he met me.
Part of me thinks... Well I've got no room to talk because I've done it, but only the once. I'm pretty sure he's hitting double figures just from work, god knows about the rest outside and before he worked at that place. I genuinely can't wrap my head round it. I feel like a notch on the bedpost. I feel like just another bird. Has anyone else been with a stud? Because I don't think I can cope with it, it makes me feel sick😩

Your partner has been a serial cheater which he’s lied about to you and unless your office has thousands of employees he’s gotten his end off with a significant proportion of the 20-50yo women who are single or not cheaters themselves. Nothing about this is just your own insecurity , you only have trust issues because he’s dishonest and you’d have to be dumb as dogshit to not have trust questions?

Oh God, please don't tell me you both work in Air Traffic Control

I think it sounds like the main issue is not his past, but whether you can trust him now?
This information about his past has made you reevaluate what that means about him as a person. What are the other red flags you mentioned?

I think you need to ask yourself why you're unable to stay away when you must realise that he's never going to be truly trustworthy.

Would you consider changing jobs? (Though that's a bit drastic).

Agree with @MrsTerryPratchett wrt drama.

Have you ever been attracted to someone who would be yours and yours alone, and you could be sure of him?

I'm not generally fussed about a prolific shagging history. I don't even know what my long term partner got up to between the relationships I know about - never asked.

But being in a relationship with a guy from work, knowing he has shagged lots of other women from the same workplace - THAT is definitely icky for me.

He Is going to give you more than the ick I feel. This workplace is a potential STI shit show

My partner Life before me doesn't concern me in the slightest
My sexual history is none of his business.

I enjoy sex and have had many partners (always safe) and the shame and societal pressures are a nonsense.

I don't lie or obfuscate and never have. Trust is everything and I've been monogamous since meeting my partner.

That is all that matters.

@Wiselassmy apologies ,I can not get my phone to untag you..not sure I actually ever did(tag you)
@Seasonofthesticks . .Indeed. .. ( if cap fits..) lol

So he gave you a hard time whilst knowing his behaviour was far more extreme, so why are you still with this raging hypocrite who holds you in contempt? Ohh, you luuuurve him, does that cancel out his twattery? Waiting around for the other shoe to drop whilst he lies and gaslights you about his sexual history is no way to live.

His sexual history would personally bother me but the deal absolute breaker, would be the hypocrisy.

So the problem is you both know too much and it's happened in a small familiar pool you're still part of. Plus he's passed comment on your one dalliance as though it's equivalent which feels unfair.

Do you like each other enough to move past it and are you both at the same life stage to want to do that together? Does the person and relationship feel worth trying to establish a line?

I wouldn't care about past shagging wouldn't want to know about it. At the same workplace is a bit close to the bone.

Nothing good can ever come from dating the office f**k boy sorry. I’ve seen it happen so many times, women become infatuated with them and then a couple of new starters join the team and their head is always turned.
It’s really not worth the aggravation. People in the office whispering behind your back all the time, just not worth it.

now, with this one, it's all just high emotions and constant fight or flight

That isn't a normal or healthy relationship, OP.

That is to say, if you were serious about each other, these next steps would probably involve looking for other jobs elsewhere (unless it's a rare opportunity you can't refuse). And I mean it would be a natural, mutual next step, not you pushing him into it while he's still happy there grubbing around.

Giiiiiiiirl you and your partner need to stop sleeping around.
You go to work to make money but you lot seem to go to work for sex.
Bad as each other if you ask me.

The double standard would bother me more than the promiscuity to be honest.

Him being horrified that you've slept with one colleague when he seems to have shagged his way round the office would give me the ick.

Yeah I think it's the disregard for the other females which is bothering me the most. And I know how charming he is so I dread to think that these girls have been hurt by his actions in the past, I've always been really amicable with my ex partners and ended on good terms with them all. A lot of girls have left our work place, whether that's his fault or they've just moved on I'll never know.

What do you want to do? If it's to stay with him then you have to accept the questionable history and shady timelines.

It seems strange to me that you only discovered that he's been around the block in your place of work and now it's something you are fixated on.

How do you even know there was "disregard for the other females"??? Both men and women are able to enjoy sexual encounters of different types - some are relationships, some are casual. There is a time and age where consenting adults can engage in either.

Are you somehow building up reasons for breaking up with him? Why is it needed - break up if that is what you want to do.

Personally - I don't know why you need to judge and approve of his past sexual history. I'd not be with someone who decided they can judge mine.
But if that is how you feel - it's your life and your choice.

It does sound to me that more than anything - you question if he can really want to be with you and if he'll stay with you. It's all down to your own self esteem.

Has he given you reason to doubt him? You say nothing of the actual relationship - how does he make you feel? How does he act? Are you a couple that is open and everybody recognises you as such? Does he act loving in front of people? I'd say - if your relationship is solid and you two are not a secret at work - he is not playing the field.

In my life I had periods of relationships and casual encounters. And then I met my partner. Past is in the past.

What happened to women supporting women.

I’ve been on MN for years and honestly, there’s no such thing, either here or in real life.

You might find posters support another user for a while, but then often turn on her/him eventually. I’ve seen it so many times on here. I comment on threads, but would never ask for advice!

Stud??😂
We've all got a past. You included.

I find talking in depth about past conquests really weird and juvenile.

Ive been with dh 20+ years and we've never had that conversation. I know about a few of his longer term exes and he knows about a few of mine when we've told funny stories etc but going into detail about how many notches you have on the bedpost is never going to end well.

He should've kept his mouth shut and you shouldn't ask or offer that information about yourself.

@LeoLibra18 I don’t know if I could trust him but the main issue for me is his double standards about you having one work fling vs his many! 😳

when it's good it's so good

In my opinion this is the most concerning part of all of your posts. This is what abuse victims say about their abusers. The measure of a good relationship (or indeed a good partner) isn't what it's like when it's at its best, it's what it's like when it's at its worst. What is it like when it's bad? What's he like?

For me the misogynistic double standards would be the deal breaker, although if you fight a lot, it doesn't sound like a great relationship anyway. Are you sure this is the type of man you want to invest in?