Absolutely grossed out by partners sexual history

[LeoLibra18]

Not sure how people will respond to this but I met my partner at work, and we've been on and off (more on than off) for around 3 years.
I slept with someone else at work and I told him this and he was horrified. (You know the one... Workplace fling and all that)
SINCE THEN I have learned that he has had multiple sexual partners met at work, and he thinks I've not added all of this up with timings and that, and there's cross overs which he denies, but it's obvious he's been playing the field... I think I've realised that actually, he's a bit of a dog. Or at least he used to be before he met me.
Part of me thinks... Well I've got no room to talk because I've done it, but only the once. I'm pretty sure he's hitting double figures just from work, god knows about the rest outside and before he worked at that place. I genuinely can't wrap my head round it. I feel like a notch on the bedpost. I feel like just another bird. Has anyone else been with a stud? Because I don't think I can cope with it, it makes me feel sick😩

No, what makes you say this?

So you know from your own questioning that he's both a cheat and a liar.

What gives you the confidence that he isn't cheating on and lying to you currently?

I was your partner until I met my husband. Def into double figures just from world, although multiple workplaces.
It was the 90s, in the City and I was very young and naive.
My husband has no idea-he just knows our past numbers are very different.

I would be very worried about any crossover but not about the actual behaviour so long as there are no issues such as abuse of power etc. Shagger? Ok. Cheater and or predator? Not ok

Edited to say that unlike others I wouldn't worry so much if he's cheated on others, only if the crossover was with you. I have cheated in the past but have never and would never cheat on my husband.

You can either put his history behind you and trust him or you can't. Simple as that, ask yourself which it is.

Has anyone else been with a stud?

Very yucky.

Are you both very young? Or do you just have no self respect?

Please don't do this to me 😩

I actually don't know.

Two pieces of advice:

Don't shit where you eat. And...

Don't mistake drama for passion and passion for love.

That's insightful, because I too, am not shy to a bit of fun... (Not at his caliber though) But I guess this could be the case for him, maybe I'm the one and he's ready to stop at me because I'm brilliant? I'll definitely stop at him no problem, when it's good it's so good. And I'm sure if it goes wrong, there will be someone else for me that will love me....

Upon reflection of this entire thread, I guess it just boils down to my own insecurities and trust issues...

What are the other red flags you mentioned?

I have a manager like this. Funnily enough his DP and mother of his kids was one of his secretaries twenty odd years ago. Since then he’s spent times (almost cyclical) going from receptionist, to a partner, to paralegals and other solicitors and managers at the firm. Some have been ONSs and other have been longer affairs spanning years. Likely overlap between the other women.

It’s sad to think his DP has no idea. And we do have quite stringent sexual harassment rules and those prohibiting staff member relationships without disclosure to HR and having statements signed agreeing to a code of behaviour in the workplace.

But everyone turns a blind eye as he’s a prominent boss. It’s kind of a secret but one that everyone knows about.

Check your official staff handbook as there will probably be something in there. Protect yourself - a lot of the women at my place have moved on (curiously not all of them though, and some still seem to have very ‘close’ relationships with him). I’m just waiting with my bag of popcorn for when one of the women cottons on to his Weasley lies.

I think he does possibly sound hooked on drama. And I understand a one off ‘mistake’ however multiples cross overs with others would suggest to me that he has no issues with lying and cheating on multiple people. That would be a hard no from me as it sounds like he can juggle that easily.

When you ask about previous partners you open Pandora’s box and that lid just won’t fit back on again.

You both sound kinda skanky 🤷🏻‍♀️

My mother told me dont shit where you eat.
This is shitting where you eat highly unprofessional behaviour and is just not a problem 99.9% of people will ever encounter.

If i somehow ended up in your shoes I'd end it with him, update my cv and find a new workplace and not shag any of my new coworkers

Woman support women by sometimes telling them what they need to hear and not just what they want to hear.

I think what you are feeling for him is not love, you are experiencing adrenaline rushes which you are interpreting us love.

You are used to having stable relationships. With this man it's all highs and lows. You think that means that the passion you feel is love but it isn't it's addictive behaviour. That's completely different. You want him like a smoker wants a cigarette and just in the same way you think you are at your happiest with that cigarette. At the same time you do realise deep down that smoking is very bad for you.

I think you should look into addictive behaviour and see if any of it resonates. Personally I wouldn't trust this man as far as I could throw him and I think you feel the same deep down.

@yourmaw ”community penis” is diabolical 🤣🤣🤣

I don't get the bit where you guys are partners?
You sound like you are fuck buddies and he also has a lot of other fuck buddies on the go?

You definitely shouldn't feel ashamed for shagging another bloke, can't you see how toxic it is to hold yourself to a higher standard when he is 'community dick' (love that!)

Please for the love of god tell me you all work in a condom factory, because I have no idea how the whole place hasn't gone down with all the STIs that must be being constantly passed between you all.

Please get another job with a completely different work culture and please block his number and forget him.

Times have certainly changed in the last 20 years it seems. Some of my workplaces (offices, professional people) could have been called ‘Carry On with a colleague (or two)’. No one cared back then.

If you're feeling turned off by his sexual history OP and you're on/off (why, if you ‘love’ him?) it doesn’t sound like a relationship that’s really going places.

If you’re ‘grossed out’ by his sexual history and annoyed at his double standards, then dump him. This isn’t a complex dilemma. At all. He makes you feel sick. Why on Earth would you want to be with someone who grosses you out?

Personally, I don’t really give a shit about the number of notches on a man’s bedpost,
provided he didn’t cheat on anyone and was honest with them. But I would dump any man who cared about the number of notches on mine, even without the double standard.

Your relationship sounds odd - as you don’t actually mention how the relationship is, or what made it on and off for 3 years.

As to his or your ‘sexual history’ - i am not sire why it needs to be obsessed at this point. Why are you investigating and putting a timeline on who he slept with years before he met you…🤷🏻‍♀️

When I met my (now exH) - my ‘number’ was times higher than his. He got married to his 1st GF and was married for a while. I got married in my mid 30s - and had a sexual life prior to that.
(incidentally our divorce after a long marriage had nothing to do with his or mine sexual history prior to marriage)

In the end of the day - you are either happy in your relationship or not. You mention you are insecure - is that because of something he does/does not do in a relationship? or purely because you are comparing yourself to his previous sexual partners?

I think you can do better than him OP please find a guy more worthy

The issue with him having an habit of sleeping around with coworkers is that he’ll always be in the position and opportunity to do it. People generally have to work. He’ll never be away from that environment.

If you can make your peace with it… sure. I met my partner at work and I’ve known plenty of other couples who have. But personally I see this behaviour as a huge red flag in terms of commitment.

You deserve a relationship that makes you feel relaxed and safe. More importantly so does your child. There's not time for this dramatic high emotions and red flags as a parent.

Please tell me you're all teens working in Tesco 🤣

pot calling the kettle black

Unless there is a criminal aspect to it I can’t see as though anyone’s sexual history is anyone else’s business if it occurred in the past before you met? I can’t imagine feeling shameful about telling my partner about seeing someone before I met him, that’s just strange to me. It wouldn’t occur to him to even ask and vice versa.

I genuinely don’t mean to sound condescending but you sound quite young? You mention trauma bonding and fight or flight etc. and this just sounds extremely tiring and a total waste of expended energy. Certainly doesn’t sound worth prioritising if you’ve got a child to think about. Maybe you would benefit from a period of time alone for yourself to focus on yourself and your child without immature, emotionally unstable men.