Page 2 | Absolutely grossed out by partners sexual history

LeoLibra18 · 2025-02-25T18:53:18+00:00

Not sure how people will respond to this but I met my partner at work, and we've been on and off (more on than off) for around 3 years. I slept with someone else at work and I told him this and he was horrified. (You know the one... Workplace fling and all that) SINCE THEN I have learned that he has had multiple sexual partners met at work, and he thinks I've not added all of this up with timings and that, and there's cross overs which he denies, but it's obvious he's been playing the field... I think I've realised that actually, he's a bit of a dog. Or at least he used to be before he met me. Part of me thinks... Well I've got no room to talk because I've done it, but only the once. I'm pretty sure he's hitting double figures just from work, god knows about the rest outside and before he worked at that place. I genuinely can't wrap my head round it. I feel like a notch on the bedpost. I feel like just another bird. Has anyone else been with a stud? Because I don't think I can cope with it, it makes me feel sick😩

Maitri108 · 25/02/2025 19:24

I don't want to know about someone's sexual history and I never ask. I don't tell anyone about mine either.

I'm not really getting all the drama. Feeling shame and finding it difficult to talk about someone you slept with. Was he married?

I wouldn't be impressed with someone who had shagged most of the office and would make sure they were tested.

JoyDreamer86 · 25/02/2025 19:25

LeoLibra18 · 25/02/2025 19:02

Giiiiiiiiirl you've got no idea 😂

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Just out of curiosity how many people are employed where you work? Must be quite a big place yeah? And did he tell you all the people he had been with or was it gossip?

TwistedWonder · 25/02/2025 19:27

LeoLibra18 · 25/02/2025 19:24

My work would be so much safer if we had that policy in place, I should query it with my HR department and ask what our practice is. Because there are men a lot worse in my place, and I always think (insecurely) if my partner went elsewhere in work, I always wonder how HR would respond

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It’s worth checking your company policy because many places do have something in place where relationships have to be declared and you don’t want to risk a disciplinary through lack of awareness

category12 · 25/02/2025 19:29

Why do you feel ashamed of having sex with someone from work? As long as it was consenting adults having fun, it's not a big issue and doesn't need to be a source of shame.

I think your partner's hypocrisy is kind of hilarious and would be a dealbreaker for me 'though.

Original poster

LeoLibra18 · 25/02/2025 19:30

WinterBones · 25/02/2025 19:24

Sorry, i don't intend to come across as rude, i'm sometimes just blunt/to the point... i'm a bit tired/crabby atm.

I'll try again, a bit more politely i hope!

Ultimately he is who he is, and is past is what it is, and you can't change that any more than you can change yours. If you love him like you do, but this is giving you an ick, you're going to have to think long and hard about if you can have a future with him.

You're either going to have to 'get over it' and try to come to terms with his past, or you leave him and find better. there really isn't a middle ground in this situation (Talking from experiences here)

At the end of the day, what matters is who he is now, how he treats you now, and if he isn't treating you well, or there are other red flags, then the best choice is to walk away.

If you keep going, and this continues to be an issue for you, its going to make any future you have with him really hard.

Thank you for that, that's helpful,

There are a few other red flags too but it's hard to know what's normal and what's not normal, I've always been with really placid men in relationships and my child's dad was really calm and quite a gentleman really, but now, with this one, it's all just high emotions and constant fight or flight, maybe have a bit of a trauma bond going on...

It's exhausting and really difficult to discuss with friends or family

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category12 · 25/02/2025 19:31

it's all just high emotions and constant fight or flight,

Yeah, that ain't right, OP. Dump him.

Original poster

LeoLibra18 · 25/02/2025 19:32

JoyDreamer86 · 25/02/2025 19:25

Just out of curiosity how many people are employed where you work? Must be quite a big place yeah? And did he tell you all the people he had been with or was it gossip?

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Big big place, and it was a bit of both, rumours then questioned them admitted.... In that order and cycle each time a new name pops up

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yourmaw · 25/02/2025 19:35

@LeoLibra18 -i think what winter bones was highlighting is your contradict yourself.

You were raised tough-aint no bitch cant touch you.. You been round the block/we all have history. Is Your front. behind that is clearly emotional discontent. YOU feeling shame re your previous is relevant to you. and thats all.
you said that its tricky-ultimately you love him. ...but also said potential ick.
also. You query if just another notch or re you the one. Which is absolute the crucial details for you , i think.
So,you know how YOU feel. Not how he does.? rather than compare notes on history STOP knuckledragging and hit the harder converstion re emtional ties assosciated with him now/you now. See if that matches up.maybe

Fishandchipsareyum · 25/02/2025 19:36

No commitment? Dump him.

Sassybooklover · 25/02/2025 19:36

I worked at a place many years ago now, where one of the young blokes, went for every woman (the ones near to his age) in the place. He had a fair few notches on his bed post and it was a running joke, every time a young pretty woman started. Yes, he was a lovely looking bloke, but he was definitely a shag em' and leave em' type! However, this bloke was about 20 years old, so perhaps he can be excused due to his age!! How old is your partner? How long has he been working at this place? Over how many years were these multiple women? Were they relationships or just hook-ups? It really depends on the answers!

Belaymehearties · 25/02/2025 19:39

To mix up animal metaphors: a leopard doesn't change his spots. Once a dog always a dog!

I'd be wary of putting any hope of him keeping it in his pants.

Original poster

LeoLibra18 · 25/02/2025 19:40

yourmaw · 25/02/2025 19:35

@LeoLibra18 -i think what winter bones was highlighting is your contradict yourself.

You were raised tough-aint no bitch cant touch you.. You been round the block/we all have history. Is Your front. behind that is clearly emotional discontent. YOU feeling shame re your previous is relevant to you. and thats all.
you said that its tricky-ultimately you love him. ...but also said potential ick.
also. You query if just another notch or re you the one. Which is absolute the crucial details for you , i think.
So,you know how YOU feel. Not how he does.? rather than compare notes on history STOP knuckledragging and hit the harder converstion re emtional ties assosciated with him now/you now. See if that matches up.maybe

Well that was an eye opening scolding I didn't expect on this fine Tuesday night 😩

Truth hurts I suppose, I definitely struggle to articulate emotional conversations. Though... I never used to be.

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Original poster

LeoLibra18 · 25/02/2025 19:44

Sassybooklover · 25/02/2025 19:36

I worked at a place many years ago now, where one of the young blokes, went for every woman (the ones near to his age) in the place. He had a fair few notches on his bed post and it was a running joke, every time a young pretty woman started. Yes, he was a lovely looking bloke, but he was definitely a shag em' and leave em' type! However, this bloke was about 20 years old, so perhaps he can be excused due to his age!! How old is your partner? How long has he been working at this place? Over how many years were these multiple women? Were they relationships or just hook-ups? It really depends on the answers!

Late 30's worked there for around 9/10 years... A mix of relationship types I think, because I can't get the truth out of him. I know some were casual, some were serious, none of which as serious as ours... (He says)

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ShepherdInGermany · 25/02/2025 19:45

What sort of industry do you work in, op? I’m in hospitality and there is occasional relationships, and even a couple of weddings, but nobody has been “the stud” in my many years of working there! Too much time spent together as a couple during work hours is frowned upon.

How on earth does he find the time - it surely cannot all conducted out of work time? Does he have “a reputation” as we used to say?

Crazybaby123 · 25/02/2025 19:47

Sorry, your workplace sounds grotty. Just reading your post made me feel queezy. You and him are probably the tip of the iceburg? I wouldn't want to touch things in your office, I bet the bins are filled with tissues.
Do you work in an estate agency???
I would dump him and find someone outside work and possibly a new job.

Original poster

LeoLibra18 · 25/02/2025 19:50

ShepherdInGermany · 25/02/2025 19:45

What sort of industry do you work in, op? I’m in hospitality and there is occasional relationships, and even a couple of weddings, but nobody has been “the stud” in my many years of working there! Too much time spent together as a couple during work hours is frowned upon.

How on earth does he find the time - it surely cannot all conducted out of work time? Does he have “a reputation” as we used to say?

Office based, and yes definitely a reputation

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Waterboatlass · 25/02/2025 19:52

OP what's your relationship status now, so so speak, sorry I wasn't clear? Are you officially together? Exclusive?

Original poster

LeoLibra18 · 25/02/2025 19:55

Waterboatlass · 25/02/2025 19:52

OP what's your relationship status now, so so speak, sorry I wasn't clear? Are you officially together? Exclusive?

Yes together and exclusive and have been for 3 years, I believe anyway... there's been no one else from my side

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Cucy · 25/02/2025 19:59

I would be grossed out too. He sounds disgusting.
I’m not surprised that you ended things straight away.

I would be more annoyed that he was horrified about you having sex with a colleague.
Why does he think it’s acceptable that he does it but not you.

Not only is he gross but he obviously has no respect for you either and doesn’t see you as his equal.
I would run for the hills.

Waterboatlass · 25/02/2025 20:07

Ok. I think I'd feel this was irredeemable. If 'crossover' has happened then he's cheated, surely when you thought things were exclusive or going somewhere? Has he done anything to suggest he has changed his ways and interest in shagging around? I'd probably cut my losses tbh. If he'd been that keen he wouldn't have had eyes elsewhere for so long.

Original poster

LeoLibra18 · 25/02/2025 20:10

Waterboatlass · 25/02/2025 20:07

Ok. I think I'd feel this was irredeemable. If 'crossover' has happened then he's cheated, surely when you thought things were exclusive or going somewhere? Has he done anything to suggest he has changed his ways and interest in shagging around? I'd probably cut my losses tbh. If he'd been that keen he wouldn't have had eyes elsewhere for so long.

Sorry, with regard the the crossovers I meant I've worked out that there were cross overs with other women between them, he had a long term girlfriend that he denies cheating on when he first worked there, but I've worked out he did cheat, then there were other relationships and he cheated on them... He still denies that he's never cheated... There's never been any inclination that there's been anyone else since he met me.

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Springadorable · 25/02/2025 20:11

If it's a big company, which also sounds like it has a lot of contact with people in different teams/not seen every day, it makes sense that the hook up rate is high. I don't think it's a big issue unless the overlap is when you are supposed to be exclusive.

yourmaw · 25/02/2025 20:11

@LeoLibra18 your welcome...lol. Aye,it does. ..but worse than dealing with the truth is constantly ducking it, ESPECIALLY cos you spend so much time energy n effort into going down rabbit holes in search of some sorta enlightenment. Realistically sounds like your afraid to commit/admit your feelings and obvious fear is nobody wants to back a loser. is\has on\off three years been exclusively . like neither of you went elsewhere?
"i cant get the truth out of him?" ugh...that be one reason t stomp off for sure. Try accept you know all need to. FOCUS on right here,right now. FOCUS on YOU. and ...(.if you think is worth a shot..him.) You doing both you a diservice if all intrest is on history-all way to you just told me you didnt use to struggle with the emosh shit. Yu arent alone if youve got hang ups issues raw nerves which are historic.Some very hurtful. you need to process them, put lid on the box. IF hes worth having around and as not like you inclined as says.skip all the funfair rides going in circles. it will make a much happier you if can man up/heart on sleeve. Knowing where youre at will be a relief and allow you to enjoy now-look to future. rehashin castaway shags is futile

Waterboatlass · 25/02/2025 20:13

Ah sorry in that case I've totally misread it! Will reread....

Wiselass · 25/02/2025 20:16

LeoLibra18 · 25/02/2025 20:10

Sorry, with regard the the crossovers I meant I've worked out that there were cross overs with other women between them, he had a long term girlfriend that he denies cheating on when he first worked there, but I've worked out he did cheat, then there were other relationships and he cheated on them... He still denies that he's never cheated... There's never been any inclination that there's been anyone else since he met me.

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Are you both in the police?