Boyfriend discussing me with his parents

[RANDYGILES90]

I have known my boyfriend and his family for 20 years, his mum was a good friend of mine and guided me through some difficult teenage years, she is someone I love and respect.

We are both mid thirties, I have been married previously and have children, he hasn't had a relationship for 15 years prior to me. He lives with his parents, has a job and is a nice man. He is very close with his parents and sibling who is married with children but spends time most days at boyfriend and his parents house. He does suffer with poor mental health and has confided in me for many years about this. Our relationship is generally good but we have had a few wobbles as we have very different life experiences and responsibilities.

I am not close to my own parents, and neither was my ex husband, so this is where I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable or not. Anything that I discuss with him, is relayed back to his parents, and frequently also his sibling and sometimes to his friends too including general chit chat but also any issues I'm having with my ex husband, my children, my personal health information. If we have a disagreement he also tells everyone. I have asked him not to discuss my personal information with people as I value my privacy, he said he understood and agreed he would not like it if I were to discuss his personal information with others. He has then told his mum, my friend, that I have asked him not to discuss me with her, and she has accused me of gaslighting him by requesting that.

For further context, I am very newly pregnant, unexpectedly as I have a coil fitted. An abortion isn't an option for me in this stage of my life but I do feel I need to make a decision about my relationship. He has expressed that he'd like to move in with me and my children prior to finding out I was pregnant, but says I live too far from his family, too far from his job (both are 30 mins away) and that he needs to use his mum's car for work as his own is unsuitable.

I am unsure if I'm being unreasonable in asking him to stop discussing me with his family as I do not have such a close relationship to my own family and it can feel unnerving to realise that conversations I considered to be private have been relayed to others.

He sounds too immature and indiscreet for a serious relationship. I'd think very hard about the wisdom of bringing a baby into this situation.

I posted too soon but something else that has bothered me is that if we are out and his mum or sibling text to ask him to go home to see his nephews he will tell me 'we have been summoned' and we have to go. He also tells me he needs to check that nobody needs anything from him before he makes plans with me

Sorry OP agree with previous post.

He's a child, living with his parents, using his mums car. Has he ever lived alone?

Gone on holiday alone?

Done anything alone?

YANBU. Any mature adult should be able to understand the principles of confidentiality.

He wants to be with you but a 30 min commute is too much, and despite being mid-30s he needs his mum's car, toget to work !!

If he can't manage to sort out a short commute at his age, he certainly won't be a reliable partner, father or house mate. I suspect he'll be constantly running home to mummy, or worse, expecting you to take her place.

If his cord won't stretch 30 mins let him loose op.
Decide if you are happy raising 3 dc alone. Remember he can't bow out of paying cms.

Keep your baby, end your relationship. You come after his parents, sibling and friends as evidenced by his comments about having to check with everyone else before making plans with you.

He’s a baby. I don’t know how you can even find him attractive tbh.

How are you not utterly repulsed by this man?

Keep and love your baby, by this I mean ur unborn one, not the boyfriend one.

I disagree, it’s nice to be close to your family. You told him you were uncomfortable with him telling them your business and he told his mum he won’t be discussing it anymore. (I must admit his mum’s reaction is a bit weird).
He’s probably got in a rut living with them for so long. Tell him he’s a big boy now and if you’re going to have any kind of relationship to put you first. Also tell him to buy his own car!!

Nope.

we have very different life experiences and responsibilities

I'd say you do, and your primary responsiblility is to your children, not to the son of someone that was kind to you as a teen ager, has a job and is a nice man.

It's not the discussing you with his family that's the big glaring issue, it's that he sounds completely incabable of being a father to the child you have on the way. I'd plan for that not to change, and deal with your own situation accordingly without factoring him in.

I have second hand ick on your behalf.

He sounds gross.

Has he ever lived alone? Not sure a relationship with a guy who's still attached at the umbilical cord is a healthy one tbh.

What do you do when he's been 'summoned', do you go along too or do you leave him to it?

I'm conflicted.
There are several obvious red flags:

• Living with his parents
• Needing his mothers car
• No healthy boundaries when being 'summoned' by his family
• Agreeing to things and then not doing them

I don't think he's ready (and will he ever be?) to be living with you and your children. And I doubt he's ready to be a partner/father.

However, the topic of your post about being too open with your information, I think that's a matter of personal and family values. I can't imagine anything substantial happening to my spouse and not being allowed to share that with my family. I wouldn't dream of asking this of my husband either. A few obvious exceptions (we don't tell our family when we're trying to conceive for example), and we've also always agreed to speak respectfully about each other even when we talk about conflicts that we've had as a couple. But I guess that's because I've always been very close to my mothers side of the family and my husband is close to his. We both don't like keeping secrets. And I'm very talkative, so anything my husband hasn't told his mom, she'll most likely hear from me anyway.
Maybe it's because I grew up with an abusive father who would explode whenever I talked to anyone about our family, but I decided years ago that I was done keeping secrets.

It's okay for you to be different and more private, but that just means you need to find someone who's more compatible with your own values.

That being said, the other red flags are concerning though.

Run for the hills and don't look back. He's a man child who has either been infantilised by his parents to a grotesque degree or he's incapable of summoning up the motivation to become an independent adult male standing on his own two feet. Either way he is of no benefit to you so cut him loose. He sounds enmeshed with them and that will never change.

Too late to cut the cord now, so I would finish with him and I would put money on his siblings marriage not lasting much longer if he always spends more time with mummy than his own wife and kids.

I would seriously reconsider the stance on termination though, do you really want a family this disfuctional in your childs life? I cant imagine that Mummy as a Granny will be anything other than a total nightmare to deal with with boyfriend backing her up.

I'd think seriously about having a child with a child. (Probably worse than a child because he should know better, in fact he probably does but it works for him on some level to be a man baby.) I know it's difficult to consider the alternative to having this child but you are bringing a human into the world who could be damaged by this imbecile, think very carefully.

You have been his beard here giving him an aura of respectability. He’s not ever shown you that consideration.

Hes not ready for fatherhood and likely never will be. Hes enmeshed with his family and the phrase failure to launch springs to mind. He likes living at home with his mother and no woman is ever going to get him out of there as you will further see. All this clandestine stuff is a relationship that is really not past the school gates.

says I live too far from his family, too far from his job (both are 30 mins away)

Good grief. What an absolute baby of a man.

He is extremely over-involved with his family, by the sound of it. Of course people can have close family ties but he sounds extremely enmeshed with his in a way that isn’t healthy for a grown adult. Honestly, I would be ending things with him.

Mummy's boy

Run far away

I don’t think it’s nice to be closer to your family than your own partner. I don’t think it’s nice to violate the privacy of your partner and her children by sharing details of their personal health issues with your parents, either.

This is a man who thinks 30 minutes - to be with his own partner - is too far to move from his mummy. He has literally chosen his mum over his partner. That isn’t ’nice’. It’s weird and immature.

Good grief. He must be exceptional in bed or a laugh a minute to put up with this.

He's a really poor role model of independence (in thought as well as act) and you won't be able to rely on him. You'll be parenting two instead.

If you were really soft you could tell him to prove his reliability by leaving home and getting his own place to live in independently for a while before you'd even consider letting him move in with you. He might surprise you but I suspect he'll make you feel like you're being unreasonable, supported by his family who he'll no doubt be running this by.

Either way, if you have this baby, be prepared to do all the work yourself.

It’s a real mystery why he’s been single for 15 years, totally baffling.

Seriously though, I think you need to accept and prepare for the fact you’ll be raising this baby alone.

Ugh. Just ugh. This family is toxically enmeshed. He is incapable of managing and adult relationship even though he got you pregnant. He has a man’s body but a child’s understanding of the world. This won’t get better.

Needing to use his Mum’s car is a stupid excuse. He sounds totally enmeshed.