Boyfriend discussing me with his parents

[RANDYGILES90]

I have known my boyfriend and his family for 20 years, his mum was a good friend of mine and guided me through some difficult teenage years, she is someone I love and respect.

We are both mid thirties, I have been married previously and have children, he hasn't had a relationship for 15 years prior to me. He lives with his parents, has a job and is a nice man. He is very close with his parents and sibling who is married with children but spends time most days at boyfriend and his parents house. He does suffer with poor mental health and has confided in me for many years about this. Our relationship is generally good but we have had a few wobbles as we have very different life experiences and responsibilities.

I am not close to my own parents, and neither was my ex husband, so this is where I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable or not. Anything that I discuss with him, is relayed back to his parents, and frequently also his sibling and sometimes to his friends too including general chit chat but also any issues I'm having with my ex husband, my children, my personal health information. If we have a disagreement he also tells everyone. I have asked him not to discuss my personal information with people as I value my privacy, he said he understood and agreed he would not like it if I were to discuss his personal information with others. He has then told his mum, my friend, that I have asked him not to discuss me with her, and she has accused me of gaslighting him by requesting that.

For further context, I am very newly pregnant, unexpectedly as I have a coil fitted. An abortion isn't an option for me in this stage of my life but I do feel I need to make a decision about my relationship. He has expressed that he'd like to move in with me and my children prior to finding out I was pregnant, but says I live too far from his family, too far from his job (both are 30 mins away) and that he needs to use his mum's car for work as his own is unsuitable.

I am unsure if I'm being unreasonable in asking him to stop discussing me with his family as I do not have such a close relationship to my own family and it can feel unnerving to realise that conversations I considered to be private have been relayed to others.

Run forest, run. Seriously - why are you wasting your life on this person?

I agree with this. You deserve so much more and you will always have to play second fiddle to what his family want. I would be a no from me / cut him loose.

Sorry, OP, I absolutely could not have a relationship with this man.

Agree with everyone else, he sounds pathetic!

I'm sorry Op but this isn't going to work out for you. He's lived with his family far too long and is totally enmeshed with them, he doesn't know what's private between you and tells his whole family everything and worst of all he thinks 30 minutes away is too far from his Mum.
It doesn't matter how nice he is, his family will come first, he'll expect you and the baby to be OK with him putting them first and the day you put your foot down about it they'll be war. He won't be used to doing anything much at home for himself and you'll end up doing everything.
Some people make lovely friends/boy friends but lousy DHs

Needs to check no one needs anything before he makes plans with you?
Sounds like Curtis from Love Island just wanting to make sure everyone has their morning coffee

I think it’s not so simple as he is close with his family that’s why he is sharing. From your description it sounds rather like he is reporting every day what’s going on in his life in details. I used to do this when was at primary and early secondary but at his stage of life it’s not a sign of trust, it’s immaturity and lack of understanding boundaries.
He doesn’t lead proper adult life with adult responsibilities and he doesn’t consider himself as an independent adult from your description. And his family doesn’t consider him as independent adult who’s busy with his own things as well. They won’t change when baby arrives.
Im sorry OP but your relationship sounds quite limited. You do fun things together and have sex and it seems good. But you don’t negotiate even a small thing of planning something as he only does it after consulting his family first. My point is that adding baby to that mix will make things much worse.

I guess how supportive his mum was to you when younger, combined with not being close with your own family has blinded you a bit to this guy OP. He has proximity kindness (from his mother) but actually he, independently on his own merits, is not a kind or considerate partner. He doesn't put you first, sadly he won't put your baby first either. I would think this may be his cack handed attempt at flying the coop, leaving mummy behind by moving onto another established, capable woman that won't expect him to adult in any meaningful way. I would end this relationship and give serious consideration to ending this pregnancy too, as you will be going it alone and must consider the impact on your DC quality of life.

The word ' boy ' in boyfriend is so apt in this case.

He won't be stepping up and becoming a decent father.

You and this fellow seem not to be suited. You say that he is a nice man and that your relationship is generally good, however, you then describe how you detest many things about his behaviour.

He will always want to live near his family and your business will always be family news. Any future child will be part of the same family.

It is a shame that you both were too hasty to be intimate before realising you didn't like many intrinsic things about him; it's a shame for the unborn child, mostly.
You can cope with breaking up. He will cope without you but a child is very vulnerable and you also have two other children who are affected by whatever relationships you have.

He’s not ready for a grown up relationship as he’s still not transitioned from a child- parent relationship - something that should have happened decades ago.

If you try and change this then his mum and him will resist and paint you as the problem.

If you have this child then he will he constantly telling you to do things his mum’s way or criticise you for not taking his mum’s advice. She is the number one woman on his life.

If he’s a man-child who is waited on hand and foot with cleaning and washing magically done then he will expect that from you. He will basically be another child for you to look after while he goes chasing after his mum.

He sounds like an immature twat. How can you send it?

I'm slowly reading through all of the replies now.

To answer a few questions, he briefly lived away from home for 6 months when he was 18, he doesn't holiday with anyone except his parents and sibling plus her husband and children as one big family unit. None of this put me off as I know he has mental health struggles, and as he hasn't had a relationship then it made financial sense for him to live at home.

He really isn't gross or an imbecile, but I can take on board that he is immature in many ways and enmeshed with his family which I do struggle with as I have lived independently since I was 16 and was married at 18 so we have very different life experiences and as such different expectations / boundaries.
I also don't think it needs to be a situation where he needs to choose between his mum or me as his partner, I just wish he could put some boundaries in place. His family are lovely, kind people and I don't think any of it is malicious.

It doesn't seem as though he will be able to do that though, so as advised I think I need to contemplate this pregnancy and how to proceed, without factoring him in.

With respect OP if you have known this family since you were a teenager you have walked into this with your eyes wide open, and not only that you have dragged your DC in with you.

I'd have a long hard think about what you want from any future relationship, which becomes critical when you have children to prioritise. You're not just looking for a boyfriend, you have to consider whether the addition of that person will be a benefit to your children. That's before you even take the additional leap of bringing another baby into the scenario. I can't see from what you've written about him how they would benefit from the set up at all. Yes he has mental health issues and that is unfortunate for him, but it doesn't mean you have to saddle yourself with him, or just use it as a trump card to accept the situation and go along with it like a sheep.

Reconsider, for their sake at least.

He is incapable of putting in boundaries due to he being enmeshed with his family.

In enmeshed families, there are very few, if any, emotional boundaries between family members. Each family member is expected and taught to become dependent on the other at the expense of developing a sense of self and individual identity. Parents rely on their children for their emotional well-being, children require their parents for every decision, and a conclusion that someone makes for their own self is considered in the context of how it impacts the entire family.

I have yet to come across a man living with his mother who can also have a healthy relationship with a girlfriend (BIL I am looking at you here). He is living there because he wants to. He can avoid getting serious in his relationships by having an obstacle in the shape of his mother. If things do not work out then he will convince himself it was because you did not impress his mother or you were not as perfect as you should be.

Of course you do not think his family are malicious but I am sorry to state that they are. His mother was kind to you once upon a time and that is where this should have ended.

How many weeks are you?

One of the most important things you can ever do is to choose the father of your child wisely. This one is still a child himself and he's too enmeshed with his own family to form one with you. Be very very careful.

You’re just both too different op, you’ve lived the life of a married mother, he’s still in the family part, and he might always be. I personally don’t think it’s that bad (unless he’s the father of the baby, then he should be stepping up) he’s just very different to you.

It doesn't seem as though he will be able to do that though, so as advised I think I need to contemplate this pregnancy and how to proceed, without factoring him in

I agree. He wont change. What you see is what you're going to be stuck with

Unsure as of yet due to conceiving with the coil in situ. I have a scan tomorrow

I would not have his baby. His family are family hoarders. Your baby will be hoarded in with them or largely rejected if you don’t comply with the group grope. Either option would be bad.

He is the baby's father.
I've asked him not to tell his parents yet, I'm unsure whether he has or not. But the reason for that is that I'm 99% sure his mum would tell me to have an abortion, she suggested I do so when I was pregnant with my youngest child as my marriage was on the rocks. And from things she has said to me lately I now get the impression she thinks I am not good enough for her son.
He has also voiced that he thinks I should have an abortion as he doesn't think he will be great at parenting. So I don't actually expect him to step up, I know that if I keep the baby I will be doing it alone

Your last post really really has me wondering WHY you find this man appealing in any way.
It sounds like his mother has been kind in your younger years but they are really not looking after your best interests at all now.

What sparkle said

He gets you pregnant but can't leave his mother?

he doesn't holiday with anyone except his parents

^

Jesus wept

I was going to ask why he'd been single for 15 years, but it doesn't even matter when you consider everything else.

I appreciate close filial relationships, but as an adult I know I must filter what I share with my parents when it pertains to other people's private affairs.

When you put it altogether, this man is not ready for any kind of adult relationship, so just let him go. They are all too enmeshed to sustain any healthy independent relationship.