Boyfriend discussing me with his parents

[RANDYGILES90]

I have known my boyfriend and his family for 20 years, his mum was a good friend of mine and guided me through some difficult teenage years, she is someone I love and respect.

We are both mid thirties, I have been married previously and have children, he hasn't had a relationship for 15 years prior to me. He lives with his parents, has a job and is a nice man. He is very close with his parents and sibling who is married with children but spends time most days at boyfriend and his parents house. He does suffer with poor mental health and has confided in me for many years about this. Our relationship is generally good but we have had a few wobbles as we have very different life experiences and responsibilities.

I am not close to my own parents, and neither was my ex husband, so this is where I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable or not. Anything that I discuss with him, is relayed back to his parents, and frequently also his sibling and sometimes to his friends too including general chit chat but also any issues I'm having with my ex husband, my children, my personal health information. If we have a disagreement he also tells everyone. I have asked him not to discuss my personal information with people as I value my privacy, he said he understood and agreed he would not like it if I were to discuss his personal information with others. He has then told his mum, my friend, that I have asked him not to discuss me with her, and she has accused me of gaslighting him by requesting that.

For further context, I am very newly pregnant, unexpectedly as I have a coil fitted. An abortion isn't an option for me in this stage of my life but I do feel I need to make a decision about my relationship. He has expressed that he'd like to move in with me and my children prior to finding out I was pregnant, but says I live too far from his family, too far from his job (both are 30 mins away) and that he needs to use his mum's car for work as his own is unsuitable.

I am unsure if I'm being unreasonable in asking him to stop discussing me with his family as I do not have such a close relationship to my own family and it can feel unnerving to realise that conversations I considered to be private have been relayed to others.

His mother might have a very different view of it’s her own grandchild - not that she should know OR express a view.

Of course she doesn't think you're good enough for her son Op, no woman would be. She's kept him tied to her and doesn't want him to leave home, it would never occur to her that he wasn't good enough for you no matter who you were. Time to save yourself Op, even if his DM had a change of heart she'd be a huge presence in your relationship

He has actually voiced to me recently that he thinks she preferred it when he was single, as he then had more time to help her care for her grandchildren and in his words 'be a skivvy' so maybe there is something in that. At the same time though, he is a grown man and could have always said no to her.

RANDYGILES90

ah op ok, sorry I didn’t realise he was the father. Look at all the different advice on here so, best of luck with everything sorry am no help, that’s rubbish x

I don't think his family communication is weird, plus you've known them for 20 years, it's not like this is a brand new thing.

The other excuses about having to see if they're busy first and making poor excuses about his car etc sounds like he's not actually very into you though. It's what a 20 year old would say.

The whole thing about needing to borrow his mum's car for work- has he no ambition to stand on his own two feet?

I think they're all too enmeshed. I think he probably hasn't told her about the pregnancy only because he's not sure which way she'll jump over it. I think suggesting you get an abortion before may be a bit different if it's a possible grandchild.

Anyway it doesn't sound like this relationship is a goer.

Can you envisage this for the rest of your life?

I couldn't.

If your pregnancy is very early, think very hard

But no matter what, don't move him in

So he clearly either can't or won't

Failure to launch, who wants a man baby.

. His family are lovely, kind people and I don't think any of it is malicious

Yet his mother accused you of gaslighting her and doesn't think you're good enough for him.

He's in his 30s and his last relationship was 15 years ago.....so not much more than a teen romance.
He's a child in all but age your not his priority

Is his name Timothy?

Up until we got into a relationship his mum has been nothing but amazing to me. The amount of support and guidance I've had from her throughout my life can't be underestimated. I have never seen this side of her before

Perhaps she still sees you as a child too? She might not be so kind when you step out of that role.

He sounds like he is unhealthily enmeshed with his family, and this would be a red flag for me.
He also sounds like he doesn’t have a lot of independence, so it is a reasonable assumption to make that he might struggle with parenting responsibilities as his life experience is questionable.
He could well be a ‘cocklodger’ pending.

I would not want to pursue a romantic relationship with this man if it was me.

How long have you two been a couple?

I'm not usually this harsh, but what on earth do you see in him?

He sounds about 14, OP. I mean that genuinely - the way you describe him is like a child who's exploring his first relationship with a girl, but whose primary sphere is still his family unit; these are the people he makes plans with, and the ones he runs home to when mum tells him it's time for tea. That's completely appropriate when you're 14, but - presuming I've done the maths correctly - he's at least mid-30s, and this is utterly, utterly dysfunctional.

If you really see any future with him then I think it's ultimatum time - he needs to move out, sort his own transport, and prioritise his relationship with you (and his child, if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy). But honestly, in your shoes I think I'd cut and run.

Agree with others .. he's a child. You on the other hand, arr a grown up. Be careful and thoughtful about your next steps.

She was nice to you while you were not a threat to her family unit. Now you are.

I don’t mean to hurt your feelings but maybe his mother doesn’t want him taking on the responsibility of your children. Just a thought.

Mental health issues do not mean makes any particular sense for someone to be this enmeshed and have no independence. It may even be that his lack of independence contributes to his mental health issues.

Sure, it might make financial sense for a single person to live at home with their parents their entire adult life. But the vast majority of people still don’t do it. Because while it might be cheap, for most people it’s still a barrier to leading a normal independent life with all the freedoms that entails. It would have been cheaper for me to live with my parents for a chunk of my single life, but I didn’t do it because I was a grown adult wanting to lead a normal adult life to my own rules, without being ‘summoned’ and without having my parents there when I brought a date home or had friends over or any number of other things that independent adults do.

he needs to use his mum's car for work as his own is unsuitable

Why dosen't he sell his car and buy one that is suitable? He seems to lack very basic problem-solving skills. Is this really someone to raise a child with?

He's immature, a mummy's boy in the extreme, and a blabbermouth, and he doesn't respect you. This relationship is going nowhere unless you want to be permanently under his mother's thumb.

His mother is lovely when everything is on her terms.

Being her friend is very different to being her dil. She clearly expects her son to put her/the family above you and your family and it doesn't sound like that will change.

Your bf does not sound mature enough to cope with an adult relationship/family of his own. He is also incapable of respecting your boundaries/wishes.

If you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy you may have to go it alone or you may have to manage boundaries with his family for the next 20 years.