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Original poster

Boyfriend discussing me with his parents

98 replies

RANDYGILES90 · 25/02/2025 12:34

I have known my boyfriend and his family for 20 years, his mum was a good friend of mine and guided me through some difficult teenage years, she is someone I love and respect.

We are both mid thirties, I have been married previously and have children, he hasn't had a relationship for 15 years prior to me. He lives with his parents, has a job and is a nice man. He is very close with his parents and sibling who is married with children but spends time most days at boyfriend and his parents house. He does suffer with poor mental health and has confided in me for many years about this. Our relationship is generally good but we have had a few wobbles as we have very different life experiences and responsibilities.

I am not close to my own parents, and neither was my ex husband, so this is where I'm unsure if I'm being unreasonable or not. Anything that I discuss with him, is relayed back to his parents, and frequently also his sibling and sometimes to his friends too including general chit chat but also any issues I'm having with my ex husband, my children, my personal health information. If we have a disagreement he also tells everyone. I have asked him not to discuss my personal information with people as I value my privacy, he said he understood and agreed he would not like it if I were to discuss his personal information with others. He has then told his mum, my friend, that I have asked him not to discuss me with her, and she has accused me of gaslighting him by requesting that.

For further context, I am very newly pregnant, unexpectedly as I have a coil fitted. An abortion isn't an option for me in this stage of my life but I do feel I need to make a decision about my relationship. He has expressed that he'd like to move in with me and my children prior to finding out I was pregnant, but says I live too far from his family, too far from his job (both are 30 mins away) and that he needs to use his mum's car for work as his own is unsuitable.

I am unsure if I'm being unreasonable in asking him to stop discussing me with his family as I do not have such a close relationship to my own family and it can feel unnerving to realise that conversations I considered to be private have been relayed to others.

OP posts:
Original poster
RANDYGILES90 · 02/03/2025 19:37

Thanks for all of the replies.

He is now saying he thinks it's unfair that I have decided to continue the pregnancy as I had always said I didn't want more children, and he doesn't understand why he doesn't have an equal say in the decision.

He also says that he wanted to have children but that he gave up that idea to be with me as I already have children. He says this and then tells me that I should have an abortion. So my head feels all over the place now.

OP posts:
Bumblebeestiltskin · 02/03/2025 19:48

End the relationship, do the pregnancy on your own (unless you want to terminate). I'm sorry you're in this position, but at least you know now what he's like.

DaisyChain505 · 02/03/2025 19:54

He’s a complete wet blanket.

Hes had zero life experience outside of his family. No holidays or travel with friends or partners. Never been in a mature long term relationship or lived alone or with a partner as an adult. Does his mum still wipe his bum?

I would really think twice about what you seriously want to do as staying with this man child and having his baby could be a huge mistake.

How do you know your children will like living with him. How do you know he’ll be able to cope as a step parent or even a parent to his own child?

MsPavlichenko · 02/03/2025 19:55

RANDYGILES90 · 02/03/2025 19:37

Thanks for all of the replies.

He is now saying he thinks it's unfair that I have decided to continue the pregnancy as I had always said I didn't want more children, and he doesn't understand why he doesn't have an equal say in the decision.

He also says that he wanted to have children but that he gave up that idea to be with me as I already have children. He says this and then tells me that I should have an abortion. So my head feels all over the place now.

Why all over the place? It is quite clear. You can’t rely on him , his family are at best unsupportive, at worst toxic.

If you continue with the pregnancy you’ll have them all involved in your life for years. This will negatively impact you, and your DC . You must know this? Please think carefully about whether you want that for you, and them .

scoobysnaxx · 02/03/2025 21:48

OP please rethink this relationship.

You have been married, had children and divorced. You are independent and mature. You deserve to be with a man who is on par. Mature, independent, experienced, wise and a care taker. This man is a man baby. Failure to launch completely. A third child to look after. I fear you long friendship with him and personal relationship with his mother is keeping you in a relationship that doesn't serve you.

How is he with your kids?

As a mother of children you need someone in your corner. We have to be smart. You need someone you can rely on. Someone who could pull the weight and take the burden should life throw curveballs at you. An equal.

Please rethink the relationship and think carefully about the baby.

There really is better out there for you!!

Daleksatemyshed · 03/03/2025 08:30

I remember your previous thread Op, he's a manchild whose enmeshed with his DM. His argument makes no sense, he wanted DC but gave up the idea for you, now you're pregnant he's still not happy. I can't see him being a decent DF but if his DM gets involved she'll be pushing for 50/50 custody or blanking you entirely.
If you have the baby you'll be stuck with their weirdness Op, I'd consider this very carefully

JoyDreamer86 · 03/03/2025 08:42

RANDYGILES90 · 02/03/2025 19:37

Thanks for all of the replies.

He is now saying he thinks it's unfair that I have decided to continue the pregnancy as I had always said I didn't want more children, and he doesn't understand why he doesn't have an equal say in the decision.

He also says that he wanted to have children but that he gave up that idea to be with me as I already have children. He says this and then tells me that I should have an abortion. So my head feels all over the place now.

If you dont want more children why are you proceeding with the pregnancy? And he doesnt want you to either. If you are totally against abortions then fair enough but you did say you were considering what to do.

SuddenFrisson · 03/03/2025 08:55

Tartanboots · 25/02/2025 18:28

I'm not usually this harsh, but what on earth do you see in him?

That’s not harsh at all. It’s a perfectly valid question. OP, it sounds as if you fell into this relationship because his mother was nice to you when you were younger and in a bad place — at least, I can’t think of any other reason why you would want to date an unattractive man baby who has never engaged in the fundamental developmental process of separating himself from undue dependence on his family. I don’t understand why you’re either continuing the relationship or contemplating continuing the pregnancy.

BMW6 · 03/03/2025 09:00

Well he's a dead loss isn't he, both as a partner and potential father.

Terminate pregnancy and this relationship. You will get nothing but endless problems with him in your life.

TinyMouseTheatre · 03/03/2025 09:23

RANDYGILES90 · 02/03/2025 19:37

Thanks for all of the replies.

He is now saying he thinks it's unfair that I have decided to continue the pregnancy as I had always said I didn't want more children, and he doesn't understand why he doesn't have an equal say in the decision.

He also says that he wanted to have children but that he gave up that idea to be with me as I already have children. He says this and then tells me that I should have an abortion. So my head feels all over the place now.

You started off by saying that you were worried about him telling his family your business.

You have so, so many more concerns than his indiscretion.

If he gave up his dream of having a family with someone else (very big of him) why hasn't he stepped up, moved in with you and been parenting your DC?

If he absolutely didn't want DC with you is he aware that contraception is available and he should use it if he doesn't want DC?

There is a very good reason why he's not had a relationship for 15 years. He's immature, not interested in leaving his Mummy and not functioning as a fully formed adult.

If it was me I'd be having a termination and walking away from him and all of his weird childishness straightaway.

SuddenFrisson · 03/03/2025 09:34

RANDYGILES90 · 02/03/2025 19:37

Thanks for all of the replies.

He is now saying he thinks it's unfair that I have decided to continue the pregnancy as I had always said I didn't want more children, and he doesn't understand why he doesn't have an equal say in the decision.

He also says that he wanted to have children but that he gave up that idea to be with me as I already have children. He says this and then tells me that I should have an abortion. So my head feels all over the place now.

Gosh, his life is terribly unfair, isn’t it? His meanie girlfriend prevented him from having children, and telling his mum stuff, and then she inflicted prospective parenthood on him, AND she lives too far away from mummy’s house and his job for him to move in with her or continue to use mummy’s car. It’s just all other people being mean to him, isn’t it? I mean, who is going to do his laundry now, if he moves out of his parents’ house?

TinyMouseTheatre · 03/03/2025 09:41

Gosh, his life is terribly unfair, isn’t it? His meanie girlfriend prevented him from having children, and telling his mum stuff, and then she inflicted prospective parenthood on him, AND she lives too far away from mummy’s house and his job for him to move in with her or continue to use mummy’s car. It’s just all other people being mean to him, isn’t it? I mean, who is going to do his laundry now, if he moves out of his parents’ house

That did make me smile. I think you've nailed it there. He seems to be functioning at around age 12. He wants the benefit of being in a relationship but doesn't actually want to do any adulting.

TwoRobins · 03/03/2025 10:40

Conjugal relations aside, he's already married.

TinyMouseTheatre · 03/03/2025 11:28

TwoRobins · 03/03/2025 10:40

Conjugal relations aside, he's already married.

Yes to his Mum.

JimHalpertsWife · 03/03/2025 11:36

He sounds like an absolute manchild and like he would become another child for you to parent.

End the relationship asap.

I'd also terminate, as id not want to keep him in mine and my kids lives.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 03/03/2025 14:06

His mum was good to you when you were down and needed help. She clearly enjoyed being the person to give advice (and instruction) on how you lived. She's not so keen now that you can stand on your own two feet is she?

I'd end this relationship and terminate the pregnancy. A new baby will have a massive impact of your children, and it's not fair on them how much harder life would become for you all.

You've got plenty of time if you want another baby with someone who is actually going to be a father. This relationship is dead in the water and having a baby will tie you to the family from hell for the rest of your days. Do you really want that?

Janelle84 · 04/03/2025 08:06

Think long and hard how this is going to pan out if you decide to have the baby/stay with him

biscuitsandbooks · 04/03/2025 08:21

Please don't tie yourself to this idiot for the rest of your life.

Holidayshopping · 04/03/2025 09:06

He has expressed that he'd like to move in with me and my children prior to finding out I was pregnant, but says I live too far from his family, too far from his job (both are 30 mins away) and that he needs to use his mum's car for work as his own is unsuitable.

As someone with a DH that often commuted 2 hours to work, WTF?!

There is too much going on here to unpick but am intrigued what is wrong with his own car that he needs to use his mummy's car??

He wanted to move from his mum's house to yours, did he?! Has he ever lived alone or does he just freeload from one woman to another?!

I would have a termination and split up with this man child.

Velmy · 04/03/2025 09:39

He sounds like a bed-wetting man baby.

There's being close to your parents then there's running to mummy...sounds like he's the latter.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 04/03/2025 10:24

Honestly op what DO you see in him?

Travelban · 04/03/2025 10:28

A man asking me to abort their baby would just be automatically the end of the relationship for me. Never mind anything else.

He sounds more immature than my teenage sons or my teenage daughters' boyfriends. I would be appalled if either of them behaved this way! It is also a bad reflection on his mother and the way she is with him... toxic.

Run a mile....

Ihadenough22 · 04/03/2025 15:28

Your so called boyfriend is in his mid 30 s and acts like he is 14 years of age. He has never lived away from home for a decent period of time with people besides his family. He never had an adult relationship that went on for few months. He has not even gone on holidays with anyone besides his family.

Years ago you knew him and his mother. She helped you in the past and you probably saw a nice guy and mother was nice. You have now life experience and he has not. He wanted to move in with you but said 30 mins of a drive was to far from his mother. My feeling is that for years he has done everything mammy and his family wants. Imagine never even going on holiday without them.
He has to see if it suits his mother to lend him her car probably to see you. Surely with living at home probably not paying much rent or bills he could afford to get a better one? Or is it just that mammy has not seen a suitable car for him yet and therefore can't sort it out yet.

Talk about an immature wet blanket. You have seen now what he and his family are like. I would have an abortion and end things with him. Why tie yourself to him because he does not want this baby and nor does he want to grow up and leave mammy's house. Your just making your life and your kids lives harder going forward if you keep this pregnancy.

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