How often do you see adult dcs.

[whatisforteamum]

My ds moved out almost 3 years ago.
I thought we were close and he only moved an hour and a half away.
Obviously I missed him but got used to the quiet and rang each other every other week.
Last yr I visited him 3 times which was an achievement as I struggle with public transport and anxiety.
He came here twice.
It doesn't seem very much to me.
DD has bought a house lives 200 miles away and we see her about the same or less.
How often do you see dcs .yes I know they have their own lives.

Ok I wasn’t having a go OP and it sounds like you have had quite serious social anxiety. I just wondered if their was anything you could possibly do now to help yourself and help you in this situation. I have no idea whether your son and partner have children, have pets, other commitments or how many hours they work etc either.

My DM lives local to us and I got fed up and worn down by always being the one to phone, text or visit. She would bring her anxiety into it if I suggested her doing anything or going anywhere with my family and say she would let me know and just decide on the day yet it never seemed to come into it with my DSIS. I also cut back on visiting and contact for various other reasons.

My two are both away at Uni so we only really see them during the holidays. One we speak to three or four times a week they usually initiate phone calls the other one its once a fortnight and we always have to initiate the contact but they will reply to texts in between these times.

I would really hate to have an expectation put on me that I had to spend a whole weekend with my parents every month, add in divorced parents and in laws and that would take up most weekends. People need time to themselves for hobbies, sports, housework, spending time with romantic partners, studying maybe...

OPs son saw her 5 times last year, that's basically every other month. I think that's a decent amount.

Well it sounds to me more like just something you do for someone you care about. It doesn't take much effort. You might not find it scintillating or stimulating but it would do an older relative in that situation the world of good.

Meeting halfway isn’t an option as one is an 8 to 9 hour drive away and the other over five hours . The latter doesn’t have a car either. They are happy to give us their bed or sofa bed but for one child it means they sleep on a narrow sofa and don’t sleep well and for the other it’s a sofa bed in a busy household with no room to swing a cat. Staying for several days in an air b and b and the travel mounts up. They can’t easily visit us due to work commitments and the expense of travel.

Do you FaceTime, i see my children about 1 a month but FaceTime every 10 ddays so it feels like i see them more

Constantly. I’d be lost without it.

I see my DM around 6 times a year, it's a 6hr round trip and neither of us have room to sleep over so it's just a day time visit.

We FaceTime around every other day

We live an hour from my parents and two from in-laws. We see my parents two or three times a month and see the in-laws once or twice every three months.

We are busy with full time jobs and a young DC. It would be great if we had both sides coming to see us instead of us having to do the travelling. We don’t live in Dracula’s castle so unsure what the issue is exactly, except they won’t change their ways.

I won’t punish either side by not putting in effort. It would be great though if they were more thoughtful.

DS lives overseas, we speak at least once a day, often more, he came home for two days at Christmas and I’ve been over to see him about two months before that. So we see each other about five or six times a year.

DD is 17 and can’t wait to follow him to Europe but I’m under no illusion that I’ll have anywhere near that level of daily contact from her! She doesn’t answer my texts now and we live in the same house.

I see my parents weekly, more in the school holidays when I’m off work. DH’s parents are about two hours away and he sees them a couple of times a year. Different things work for different families.

My parents live next door so I see them every day.

In-Laws live 20 mins away so we see them for Sunday dinner every week at their house plus one evening a week. Think we’re definitely much more than the norm but it suits us!

Wow next door.That sounds very unusual and quite nice tbh.☺️

DD (25) is two and half hours away, at a minimum we see each other half a dozen times per year. DD (and sometimes her partner) generally comes and stays with me at bank holiday weekends. My brother doesnt live far from DD so I also do a long weekend every few months and stay with both of them. We facetime every week though.

My parents boomeranged around the countryside when I was an adult (they 'retired' in four different towns...) and I moved around too, I lived near them at one point but most of my adult life I was hours away. We always spent Easter and Christmas at their house, and there were also other visits throughout the year.

My parents live locally. We see them about every two weeks as work full time so only have weekends. Texts on the family group chat a few times a week, mainly pics of the kids. My brother lives a few hundred miles away and see him about every 3 months but mainly him travelling to see my parents and I tag along. My in laws live about a 45 min drive away, we see them probably once a month in some form and my husband speaks to his mum every other day or so. They FaceTime the kids a lot too which I think is great as even my 1 year old knows exactly who they are and it’s meant they can have a close relationship even if we don’t see them face to face every week.

@Cynic17

Exactly. I grew up seeing grandparents 2 or 3 times a year, so to me that is completely normal for adult children. Any more sounds completely suffocating. Adult children move on, live their lives - which is what anyone would want for their kids, surely?

My DC have moved on, are living their lives, but also maintain a good and close relationship with me. I can assure you they don't feel suffocated, just absolutely loved and supported as always, something which seems to be lacking for many on mumsnet after the age of about 3. People don't like to read of parents having good relationships with their children, adult or otherwise, on here, it still surprises me how utterly detached many parents are.

I find the assumption that adult children will not want to see their parents very sad. Of course they have their own lives and move away-but why shouldn't parents be part of those lives? Why shouldn't families actually like each other?

Yes that’s how I view it. I put my AirPods in and chat whilst sorting the washing or cooking the dinner and we have a chat. It’s not exactly a massive hardship.

My mum lives a 10 minute drive away - I see her once a month or so (maybe every 3 weeks), speak on the phone a couple of times a week, with texts in between. That seems fine for us - when I lived a couple of hours drive away, I saw her once every couple of months, so not dissimilar to you and your DS.

You don't sound happy with it, though: I'd say don't suggest to him you think his partner is 'controlling' when it seems more likely that she makes plans to see them and he's part of them. It's on him to make plans to see you, not her.

What an odd response. A bug they gave you, sounds accusatory. Actually sounds like you don't want to go.

Don't you have any thoughts or opinions you could chat about?
Or Current affairs/ hobbies / gossip / books.

@Poonu no, I’m out doing my hobbies not telling my parents about every single minute of them!! They don’t “get” what I do for fun anyway. Not particularly into current affairs, I’ll read but don’t want to analyse it with someone else.

I see my family once a year. Would be more but they won’t visit me and I can’t visit any more (live overseas)

Youngest at 19 not that much but we WhatsApp a lot. It can be a bit sporadic but it works for us. Eldest is home for uni holidays which I find quite hard. We WhatsApp even more.